Recap: House: Deal or No Deal

After a brief one-week hiatus, House is back, ready to battle his arch-nemesis: Cuddy’s chastity belt. Actually, he’s once again locked horns with DMo Popo, he of the jowly grimace and droopy eyes. If they ever make a live-action version of Deputy Dawg, David Morse could totally play the lead. Providing they surgically remove his shins, of course. The episode opens with House limping into the hospital. WTF? Where’s the gory and/or disturbing opening scene? No blood, no vomit, no obese flatulence? This can’t be good. You know what else can’t be good? Armed and Famous. Actually, Wilson and DMo Pop are waiting in House’s office. Like I said, not good. Wait, DMo Popo just wished House a Merry Christmas. Maybe he wants to bury the hatchet? You know, in the spirit of the season. Or at the very least in House’s forehead. So what’s Wilson and Trigger doing here? Besides spreading good cheer? Waiting to tell House about this great deal they have for him: if he agrees to plead guilty, he gets an entire set of Tupperware.

Actually, DMo Popo is offering House two months in a rehab facility if he pleads guilty. Since Wilson admitted that he didn’t write the prescriptions, House will go to jail and lose his license if he doesn’t take the deal. House’s response? Get out of my office. But leave the Bundt cake carrier. That looks useful. Especially with the holidays so close.

Wilson and House bicker like little bitches for another minute or two until DMo Popo’s had enough. He tells House he needs to deal with his current situation: if he wants to stand on principle, he ends up in a cell. And he’ll never practice medicine again. So House has two choices: his principles or his life. Just then, the phone rings. It’s the banker, and he offers House an even better deal: Free Hercules Hooks for life! DMo Popo tells House the D.A. put a clock on the deal: he has three days to decide.

After DMo Popo makes his exit, Wilson chases House down the hallway and tells him he’ll still get pain meds in rehab. Just not his delicious Vicodin. House points to the baby Jesus in the hospital’s nativity scene, then tells Wilson to go tell the Romans. Get it? Because Wilson is House’s Judas. Great, more Biblical humor. I hope the writers have House tackle a plague of locusts sometime this season.

House limps off to fill Cuddy in on Wilson’s latest Chenanigans. And wouldn’t you know it, she’s actually treating a patient. What’s up with that? Or should I say what’s down with that, as the patient is a dwarf. So’s her mom. Let’s see how many dwarf insults can House get in… He needs Cuddy for a tiny moment. For a small favor. Why did Dwarf-Girl’s lung collapse? Did someone mistake her for a piñata? Dwarf-Mom is clearly irritated, but at least she’s not getting the usual elf jokes. House says she has a bit of a short fuse. He also says Cuddy has no idea what’s wrong with Dwarf-Girl. But he’ll figure it out in exchange for his precious pills. And whatever’s behind door number three.

In his office, he starts going over the case with the Outhouses. Chase is sporting a lovely bruise on the side of his jaw from where House punched him last episode. At least it matches his tie. Before House can get started, Cameron asks what he’s going to do. He thinks he’ll get their theories, mock them, and then embrace his own. No, about DMo Popo’s deal. Nothing. Back to the case. Chase says there are over 200 varieties of dwarves, each with different medical complications. How are they supposed to know all of them? Wait, there are 200 varieties of dwarves? Does Randy Newman know about this?

House and Cameron are explaining the test they want to run to Dwarf-Girl (Abigail) and her mom. House continues to make fun of them, even going so far as to ask why Dad, who was normal sized, ended up with a dwarf. Did he have a fetish, or did he fall in love with her long-legged soul? No, he just grew up in a circus. She reminded him of home. A home full of freaks. House asks about the logistics of their relationship. Did she stand on a table? Nope, he’d lay flat and spin her. House and Dwarf-Mom actually seem to have a bit of chemistry. Maybe House will get a little action later. (Get it? Little? I could totally write for this show.)

Cameron offers to lift Abigail up on the table, an act of kindness which gets her reprimanded by Dwarf-Mom. Just get the girl a stool, dumbass. She says she’s dealt with bigger idiots than Cameron, though, looking at House. Sure, she sounds tough now, but can she carry a side of beef ala Charla? He’s so impressed with her moxie he asks if she’d like to go for a spin. At least he’d have someplace to set his beer.

Cuddy is yelling at Wilson about the deal he cut with DMo Popo. He ratted out their best doctor without checking with her first. That’s not cool. No, he didn’t rat House out. He got Housey a deal. A deal they both know he’ll never take. Why? Because he’s a very stubborn child. So how do would they solve this if they were dealing with an actual child? They’d beat his ass. But since he’s bigger than both of them, they decide to cut him off. No more Vicodin until he takes the deal. Yeah, this is gonna work out great.

House and the notHouses are still trying to figure out what’s wrong with Abigail. He thinks it’s something with her liver. That’s great, except her liver has nothing to do with a collapsed lung. So whatchoo got, Foreman? He thinks it’s cancer, but when House doesn’t agree with him, he says it’s because House doesn’t want to send a cancer patient to Wilson. Is House that petty? Does EdHill love cooter? Of course he’s that petty.

Cuddy walks in and wants to talk with House. He ignores her and keeps telling the Outhouses what he wants done. Cuddy’s not happy about it and starts ordering them around too. It’s like a game of Simon Says, only more boringer and nobody takes their clothes off. Cuddy gets right to the point. House is off the case, and his privileges are suspended until he accepts DMo Popo’s deal. Anything else? Oh yeah, no more Vicodin. Theoretically, that could work, but House tells Cuddy she’s going to come begging him to save this girl long before he comes begging her for pills. And since she’s now in charge of his team, he bets she’ll come begging him to punch Chase in the face again too.

While they’re running an MRI on Abigail, the team is discussing whether or not the whole House/DMo Popo deal is fair. Foreman thinks it is, but that’s only because Foreman is used to making deals with the cops. Cameron doesn’t think it’s fair at all. Chase thinks unicorns are real. During the test, Abigail starts to throw up. Somehow she manages to climb out of the MRI tube. Huh, I thought they strapped you into that thing. She must be super teeny. Guess the TV really does add ten inches.

So what does the vomit mean? House was right: Abigail’s liver is failing. But since House has been banished, it’s up to everyone else to figure out why her liver is failing. They all throw out ideas, but the only one that sticks is Chase’s comment that if anyone needs to dull their pain with drugs and alcohol, it’s a teenage dwarf. Based on that, Foreman volunteers to do a liver biopsy while Chase says he’ll check the patient’s house for drugs and alcohol. Wilson just wants to know why Cameron is being so mean to him.

Uhm, besides the fact that you turned all Judasy on House? No reason. And by no reason, of course, she means that Wilson is acting all holier-than-thou about the whole thing. Sure, he got House a good deal. But he also got his practice back, his accounts unfrozen and his car returned. If only he’d managed to get Cameron a new style at the same time. But why should that be Wilson’s responsibility? Cameron’s a doctor. Surely she can afford one visit to stylist Nick Arojjo.

House is in Cuddy’s office trying to pick her locks. He’s also trying to break into her desk. Why? Because that’s where she keeps the Vicodin. Foreman comes in and tells House that he was right about Abigail’s liver. But since he’s off the case, House won’t help Foreman. Unless, of course, Foreman is willing to trade. He picks the lock, he can pick House’s brain. That’s a pretty fair trade. Although I might have also asked for a lollipop too.

As Foreman is working on the lock, House tells him the problem with Abigail is more than her liver. He should start by looking at her pancreas. Foreman finally gets the drawer open, but there’s no Vicodin to be had. I was really hoping he’d find a “Ha Ha” note from Cuddy. Or at least a pair of panties.

Upstairs, Chase returns with some olive oil he found in the dwarf’s medicine chest. Evidently, she was using it for earaches. He also found some laxatives, glucosamine and some black market HGH. Before they can figure out what it all means, Cuddy comes in and asks who ordered some very important-sounding test. Foreman did. And it’s totally obvious that he did so on House’s recommendation, as he just parrots back House’s explanation. Wilson doesn’t trust House’s opinion, though, as he thinks House would tell Foreman anything to get some pills. (Ir)regardless, the test came back negative, so Cuddy orders some more tests of her own.

While all this is going on, House is at the Urgent Care, making up some story about “falling” on a can of spray paint. The ER doctor offers House some Tylenol-3, but he says the codeine makes his tummy hurt, and asks for something else. Unfortunately for House, the clinic isn’t allowed to prescribe Vicodin. When he gets insistent, the doc figures out what’s going on and calls security. House shuffles out on his own, though, before the brown-shirts can arrive to administer their own brand of Urgent Care justice.

As Foreman and Wilson are getting ready for Abigail’s next test, they bicker about House some more. Evidently, Abigail’s as bored with their bickering as I am, because she goes to sleep. Only problem is, they haven’t given her a sedative yet. Oops. Foreman checks her airway and says her breath smells fruity. Which can only mean one thing: she’s dating Lance Bass. Actually, it means her pancreas is failing. Score another one for the drug addict.

Cuddy goes to House’s apartment and tells him what’s happened. Too bad he won’t help. He says she’d rather kill this patient than give him his pills. No, she’d rather lose one patient now than the dozens they’ll lose if House goes to prison. Wasn’t this an episode of Three’s Company?

It’s time for another round of doctors-talking-too-fast-for-me-to-follow. In the end, it comes down to Wilson saying it’s cancer (natch) and Cameron saying it’s Abigail’s hair. Seriously. Shortstuff could use some conditioner. Actually, she says it’s an auto-immune disorder of some sort. Cuddy says that one of them is right, and there’s only one way to determine who: Thunderdome! Not really. She just tells them to run some more tests.

Wilson tries to explain to Dwarf-Mom what’s going on. She doesn’t want to hear any of his jive, though, and asks to speak to House, as he’s the only one who seems to want to take her for a spin. Plus he knows what’s wrong with her daughter. Wilson tells her House went home sick, and she’s just going to have to deal with him. Or she’s going to get a good spanking.

Meanwhile, Cameron has snuck over to see House for some more info. And it’s a good thing, too, as House seems to have accidentally cut his arm several times. Why? Because evidently cutting oneself releases endorphins, which help with the pain. So in order to treat the pain, he causes more pain… Interesting. While she’s treating his wound, he asks if Abigail’s been sick lately. If she has, then she might have Still’s disease. If she hasn’t, then they should consider giving her Still’s disease. Or, at the very least, smurf her.

When Cameron gets back to the hospital, Cuddy wants to know what House said. So she sent Cameron to visit House. It’s too bad House said it’s Still’s disease, though, because it’s virtually unconfirmable. Still, it was House’s opinion, which means it’s obviously better than anything she has, so she orders the treatment.

The next day, House comes back to the hospital. He tells Wilson his plan isn’t working. It’s been two days, and Housey’s still standing tall. That is, when he’s not on his knees puking from the detox. He asks Wilson to write him a prescription for an anti-puking drug. It’s the same thing they’d give him in rehab. “Then perhaps you should go to rehab,” says Wilson. Oh, snap!

While Wilson is delivering some bad news to another patient’s wife (namely, her husband is dead), House barges in and makes a big stink about how even when totally strung-out he can still out-diagnose Wilson. It really upsets Mrs. Dead Guy, and she asks House to leave. But Wilson figures out that House was actually in there to steal the dead guy’s oxycontin. That’s pretty pathetic, even for House.

Later, Cuddy tells Wilson that Abigail is responding to the treatment House ordered. They’re both upset that they missed the diagnosis. In fact, Wilson is so upset he goes and tells DMo Popo he’s changed his mind; he can’t, nay won’t, testify against House. Sure he’s a drug addict, but he helps people. Kind of like the proverbial hooker with the heart of gold. Or Dexter. House heals people that nobody else can. Except for that Jesus guy. Which makes Wilson even more of a Judas.

DMo Popo says that whatever House can do on the pills, he can do off them. He’s just not willing to try. Big talk from a guy addicted to nicotine gum. I’d love to see him tell that to a Viagra addict. You know, I bet before this is all over, DMo Popo has something go wrong with him that only House can solve. What are the odds House saves him in exchange for dropping the charges? Personally, I hope he lets him die. But I’m just bitter that way.

Anyway, DMo Popo tells Wilson that if he doesn’t cooperate, he’ll be sent to jail. And his refusal to testify isn’t going to help House. He’ll go to jail too. But at least they can share a bar of soap. Just don’t drop it!

Meanwhile, there’s something wrong with Abigail. She’s bleeding from her mouth and ears. And she hasn’t even seen the Clay Aiken Christmas special yet.

While that’s going on, House pays a visit to the hospital pharmacy. He tells the pharmacist that he’s there to pick up a prescription for Wilson’s patient. You know, the dead guy. The pharmacist doesn’t know the guy’s dead, though, so he agrees to give House the prescription. But only if he’ll sign the book. Ooh, not the book! House takes the drugs, retreats to the stairwell, and takes the drugs. Crap.

After the break, we learn that Abigail is on the verge of a multi-system failure. And of course, the notHouses, along with Cuddy and Wilson, have no idea why. Wilson still won’t let go of his cancer theory, because that’s how cancer docs are. And Cameron won’t let go of her disgust for Wilson, because that’s how doctors with bad bangs are. Realizing they can’t solve it on their own, Cuddy goes off looking for House. She finds him in the cafeteria eating three hot dogs and some french fries, which he’s sharing with a patient. Actually, he’s arguing with the patient too, but that’s not really unusual. What is unusual is that he’s in a good mood and turns down Cuddy’s offer of Vicodin. She figures out he must have found some pills somewhere, but she keeps on asking him for help. And in the middle of an argument with the girl about whether her stuffed animal is a bear or a dog, House has his weekly epiphany: it’s actually Manbearpig! Nah, he just says they need to x-ray Abigail’s leg. Stat!

The x-ray is totally normal. Which would be good, except she’s a dwarf and therefore shouldn’t have a normal looking leg. While he’s explaining what that means, he starts popping pills in front of Wilson, who’s noticeably upset. How many pills has House had? Not nearly enough. He’s forgotten how delicious they are. Yeah, magically delicious.

Anyway, Wilson and Cuddy still don’t understand what’s wrong with Abigail, so House has to spell it out for them. She has a growth problem caused by her pituitary gland. He throws in a few more big words, but it all adds up to Wilson and Cameron both being right. Abigail has cancer and an autoimmune disease. It’s like a diseased Reese’s Cup! Oh, and Abigail’s not really a dwarf.

House gets to give Abigail the good news. Not only can they cure her, they can make her grow. While her mom’s a real dwarf, she’s just a tiny little poser. Abigail’s not all that excited about being normal-sized though; she’s afraid if she’s not a dwarf, no one will pay attention to her. That’s just crazy talk. Especially considering how freaky her eyes are. During this whole segment, House is popping oxycontin after oxycontin. I don’t see how he’s even standing at this point. I took one oxycontin once when I hurt my knee skiing and I lost an entire day. I’ve got to get some more of those. Anyway, House says she’s being stupid. Growth hormone is her ticket out of the freak show. Unless she really likes smelling ass every time she stands in line. Then he pops another pill and leaves.

In the hallway, Dwarf-Mom asks House if he’s high. “Higher than you.” Ha! Even stoned House is still quick with a midget joke. Anyway, House convinces her that Abigail will be better off taking the growth hormone. At the very least, she’ll never have to attend the Little People Convention that seems to be on every third episode of Little People, Big World.

Did I mention House has been taking oxycontin by the handful? He has. And now, back in his apartment, he’s swigging them down with a glass of whiskey. After leaving a teary Christmas Eve message on his mom’s answering machine, he drinks some more. The next morning, Wilson comes by to wish House a Merry Merry. Unfortunately, House is lying on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit. What a messy mess. Wilson is about to help him when he sees the bottle of pills that House stole from his dead patient. So he leaves House lying all Hendrix on the floor. I hope House didn’t eat a ham sandwich too.

Somehow or other, House gets himself together enough later in the day to stop by the police station and tell DMo Popo he’ll take the deal. Too bad for him the deal is now off the table. Seems DMo Popo knows House stole more pills, so now he doesn’t need Wilson’s testimony. Your move, House.

So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Was it enough to tide you over until January? Because that’s how long we have to wait for a new episode. Personally, I think House should’ve taken the deal earlier, but you knew he wouldn’t. And what’s up with Cameron suddenly growing a pair? I’m actually starting to like her character some.