I didn’t watch last week’s episode, as I was back home visiting the fam. But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that DMo Popo did something underhanded (while overchewing his nicotine gum, natch) and House was an ass. Then, at about the 51:00 minute mark he had an epiphany from an unrelated clinic case that helped him discover Cartman’s mother was also his father. Yay hermaphrodites!
Unfortunately, this week’s episode didn’t feature any hot hermaphrodite action, but it did feature some hot laser pointing, a couple who hate each other almost as much as I hate tea, and finally the emergence of a Judas to House’s Brian of Nazareth. This week starts off at a local carnival. The dad is glad that his little girl is finally tall enough to take her first twirlie ride. She doesn’t want to do it, though; she says she doesn’t like twirlie rides, but the truth is she just hates carnies. Dad’s okay with it, since he hates carnies too, and says she doesn’t have to do the twirlie ride if she doesn’t want to. They can just go home and have some fun instead. Threatened with the prospect of home funning, the girl decides the ride doesn’t look so bad after all. Man, what kind of horror awaits her at home? A My Super Sweet 16 marathon? I don’t know if any of you have ever watched that show or not, but after catching just a couple episodes last year, I think I understand why the terrorists hate us.
As soon as the ride starts, things go downhill fast. But since it’s a ride that goes up and down, things immediately start looking up again. And then they start going back down. And then the little girl starts to scream. And keeps screaming, even after the ride has stopped and her dad’s punched her in the throat a couple of times. But this isn’t your normal “I’m gonna hurl” scream, or even “Daddy’s get his hands down my pants again” scream. This is more like “holy crap, the Democrats really did win the election” kind of scream. Hold me, I’m scared.
At the hospital, the Dad (Rob) is arguing with his ex-wife (Edie) about taking the little girl (Alice) on the ride. Cameron is just trying to get a medical history, but the parents can’t stop bickering long enough to help. “You’re alone with her for eight hours and she ends up in the hospital,” Edie yells at him. I get the feeling that it wouldn’t take Rob eight hours of alone time with Edie to put her in the hospital.
“Out, out, damn spot!”
Downstairs, Cuddy is meeting with two potential donors, and things seem to be going pretty well. In fact, she’s just offered to let them name something after the foundation. Then a red laser dot appears on her forehead, which would seem to indicate she’s just been targeted by SWAT. When she starts to swat at it (Get it? Swat?) the dot moves down to her breastesses. Either that dot has a mind of its own, or Cuddy’s undergoing some bizarre new fertility procedure. Nah, it’s just House playing tag with her funbags.
In the hall, Cuddy confronts House about the laser trick, saying she’d hoped it was just a sniper, because at least then it would’ve have meant she wasn’t dealing with a psycho employee. Since when is it considered psycho to aim laser at your boss? House says the laser pointer won him second place in the “weirdest thing pulled out of a patient’s orifice” contest. And she does not want to know what came in first. He will tell her it rhymes with “fuchini.” Huh. I was going to guess “fucumber” but that’s only because of this girl I once dated in college.
Cuddy’s pissed because she’s really close to getting the money for a new oncology lab. House is pissed because he has to go to Cuddy every time he needs his Vicodin. Cuddy says that because he “allegedly” forges prescriptions, his pain has now become her pain. No more free-flowing pills. He’ll get reasonable doses at reasonable times. If that’s not good enough, he should tap into his secret stash. Can’t. Trigger took it. Then what about House’s secret-secret stash? He ran out. Cuddy tells him he should consider dipping into his secret-secret-secret stash. Easier said than done, as that stash is so secret even House doesn’t know where it is.
Book ‘me, Danno.
Oh wait, yes he does. It’s in a book in his office, the exact same place I once hid my third testicle. Good thing it’s in his office, because that’s where the Outhouses have gathered to try and diagnose Alice’s problem. Without House. So far, they’re leaning toward pancreatitis. As soon as he has his pills, he asks who has gallstones and why do they care. Foreman points out that Alice is just six, and six-year-olds don’t get gallstones. Yeah, and normally they don’t get raped and strangled in their basements either, but JonBenet would beg to differ.
Just one problem: there are no gallstones on the film. Which means House is basing his theory on the existence of invisible gallstones. That doesn’t stop Chase from agreeing with House, though. Hey, if Australians will believe that a dingo eats babies, I guess they’ll believe anything.
Wait, House’s theory is actually vanishing gallstones. Which are totally different from invisible gallstones. She had one and passed it on the ride. But since gallstones usually travel in packs, he wants to do an ultrasound to find the others. If he’s right, they’ll remove her gallbladder so they can analyze the stones. Somehow, that should take care of the pancreatitis too. While they’re doing the ultrasound, Foreman and Cameron gang up on Chase for kissing House’s ass. Cameron says it’s Chase’s father’s fault that he’s such a sycophant: his dad was an ass, but as long as Chase did what he wanted, he got what he wanted. A cushy job and a cushy life. Chase points out the fatal flaw in Cameron’s theory: he was cut out of his dad’s cushy will. Foreman’s theory, on the other hand, is that it’s just Chase’s nature. He’s hardwired to kiss ass. Turns out this time the ass-kissing was called for, though, as House’s theory was right. Alice does have gallstones. Where’s your theory now, Foreman? (Said in my best Edward G. Robinson voice.)
Chase gets to break the news to Alice’s parents: Not only does she have gallstones; they want to remove her gallbladder. Dad’s totally fine with it, because he’s also a kiss-ass. Mom, on the other hand, is not a fan of tossing anyone’s salad and refuses to approve the operation. Dad thinks she said no because he said yes, but Mom assures him that she’s capable of her own thoughts. And right now, she thinks he’s a kiss-ass. But she still won’t approve the surgery. In fact, she wants to get a second opinion before they start removing their child’s organs. Nice, but she really ought to get a second opinion on her hair cut first.
“Who’s number one?”
Cuddy finds DMo Popo in an office going through old files. She thinks that’s an effective use of taxpayer dollars. He says he’s off this week. He must have a lot of vacation time if he can waste an entire week at the hospital. Stupid government workers. Cuddy accuses Trigger of personalizing House’s case, but he denies it. Then why did Wilson have to shut down his practice? And why is her staff afraid to do anything for fear of DMo Popo’s wrath? He thinks she’s angry at the wrong person. Besides, “this is how he gets what he wants,” he tells her. He puts pressure on people. Geez, whatever happened to dinner and a movie? He says if it doesn’t work on Wilson, it’ll work on Cuddy. And if doesn’t work on Cuddy, it’ll definitely work on the evil monkey in Chris’s closet.
Cuddy says that DMo Popo punishes the innocent. He disagrees, saying that none of them are innocent; not one of them has told him the truth about House. And that truth is he really has a British accent. Cuddy says the pills allow House to cope with the pain. DMo thinks they just allow him to distort reality. House is an addict. And he needs to find a different way to cope before he kills somebody. Or, at the very least, leaves another rectal thermometer in someone’s ass for two hours.
Finally, DMo Popo tells her that the whole point of the criminal justice system is to make things right when everything else has failed. And in his eyes, Cuddy has failed. Not only has she let House run roughshod over the entire hospital, she’s also let Cameron keep those ridiculous bangs.
Speaking of running roughshod, House is upstairs berating Alice’s parents about their refusal to let him operate. He’s a complete stranger and even he cares more about their kid than they do. Mom says that once the pancreatitis has been treated, she’s taking Alice home. “And do what, burn sage?” Dad tells House to perform the surgery. Mom says her father had gallstones and they were totally harmless. Her daughter had one bad one and it passed. Mom’s a liar. I had gallstones, and they’re not totally harmless. In fact, they make babies. Which is why I had mine removed. Wait, that was my vasectomy.
Mom isn’t budging, though, and says her daughter shouldn’t have unnecessary surgery. “Or a moron for a mom,” says House. And it’s at this very moment that Dad knows he’s falling in love with one Gregory House, M.D.
Here comes da judge…
House decides to bring in some outside help in the form of a judge: if he can’t bully the mom into okaying the surgery, maybe the long arm of the law can. Judge can’t make up her mind, though, and asks Cuddy what she thinks. When House says Cuddy’s medical opinion is worthless, the judge asks her to share her opinion of House. She thinks he’s a big poopy face, but he knows what he’s talking about. So the judge okays the surgery.
Too bad, because while the surgery goes well, the biopsy was negative, which means Mom was right and it was an unnecessary procedure after all. While she’s kvetching about life in general, Alice says her stomach hurts. Foreman checks it and is shocked into shame to discover that he’s the 18th pale descendant of some old Queen or other. Actually, Alice has a rash on her tummy.
The next day, House is grilling the notHouses about the rash. Unfortunately, Cameron and Foreman are more concerned with finding out why their bank accounts have been frozen. Two words: DMo Popo. Chase says his accounts are still available, though, so he’s going to withdraw as much money as he can as fast as he can. I’m sure he’ll share it with Foreman and Cameron. House keeps trying to talk about the case, but still nobody is paying attention and they demand he do something about their money. House says his plan is to do nothing. His reasoning? Bullies bully. If you don’t react, they lose interest. “Doing nothing is not a plan,” counters Foreman, “it’s a lack of a plan.” Yeah, unless your plan is to do nothing, dumbass. Ha!
Anyway, it turns out Cameron was listening after all, and tells House she thinks it’s allergies, so House orders a round of allergy tests. When those come back negative – as he suspects they will – he tells them to start her on broad-spectrum antibiotics. Way to build your team’s confidence, House.
House and Wilson are bickering in the employee lounge. Hey, what’s Wilson doing here? Even though he closed his practice, he still has clinic hours. Plus, he doesn’t have enough money to buy lunch. So he’s mooching on someone’s peanut butter and jelly. While making his sandwich of deceit, he starts telling House about how Lenny Bruce went to shit because of his obsession with challenging authority. Plus he had a nasty drug habit. Wilson’s point? Don’t start doing comedy.
Chase comes in and tells House that Alice’s scratch test came back positive for everything. House still isn’t buying Cameron’s allergy theory, though, and insists it’s an infection. Somehow or other, bacteria must have gotten into the test scratches. Kind of like how bacteria always gets into the public swimming pool, except this time it didn’t involve someone dropping a deuce on Alice’s back. Or did it?
House goes to see Alice, and makes her take a bite of his magic peanut butter sandwich. That’s an odd name for your thingie, but whatevs. When she doesn’t go into shock, he says that proves the allergy tests were wrong, because someone couldn’t be allergic to everything but peanuts. So he just risked sending Alice into shock to prove his allergy theory? Or was he using her as a food tester to make sure Wilson hadn’t poisoned his sandwich?
Chase tells House if she is allergic, the antibiotics could make her even worse. House says no way. Chase tries to take the antibiotics, but House stops him and tells him to grow a backbone tomorrow. But after seeing this, now Dad won’t let House give the antibiotics. So it’s back to the judge once more.
The judge can’t believe House is back again. Just yesterday he was arguing that the Mom shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions about her kid; today he’s arguing that the dad is unfit. About that, House says he was hoping he’d get a different judge. Fortunately, the judge agrees with House that the parents are unfit to make a decision. Unfortunately, she doesn’t feel that House is fit to make a decision either. So she awards guardianship to Cuddy. Whawhawha? The first decision Cuddy makes is to ignore House’s advice and use just one specific antibiotic. Not a wise choice.
If you help me, I’ll make sure you get free mani/pedis for life.
Meanwhile, DMo Popo is badgering Foreman. He tells the cop that he hopes no one dies while he’s sitting there not talking to him. Trigger brings up Foreman’s brother, who’s in jail for drugs. “If I run out for coffee,” Foreman asks, “will I get back before you make your point?” Okay, if Foreman testifies against House, DMo Popo will see to it that his brother is released in two months. Foreman doesn’t care, though; they grew up in the same home, but his brother is a loser. DMo Popo says Foreman is just as cold as House. Other things Foreman is as cold as: ice.
Cuddy tells the parents that the antibiotic is working, so she thinks Alice is going to be okay. To celebrate, the parents start arguing again about how much they hate each other. Geez you two, just get a room. Even though she’s asleep, Alice’s heart starts racing and Cuddy kicks them out before they give her an anxiety attack.
The next morning, Chase tells Foreman that DMo Popo finally froze his accounts too. Foreman thinks that means Chase is going to talk now, because he’s a little Australian bitch. In the middle of their argument, Mom comes in and wants to know where Alice is. Her room is empty, and her backpack is gone. Oh crap, that means Dad must have kidnapped her. Chase runs to get security, and then runs into Dad, who’s bringing Alice back. As soon as they got outside, she got a stiffy. Weird.
While that’s going on, House is berating Cuddy’s decision to skip the broad-spectrum antibiotics that he recommended. On top of that, she won’t give any more pills. So while the team is looking to him for answers, he’s looking to Cuddy for pills. Me, I’m looking to Cuddy for my spank sock.
Cuddy tells House he can have all the aspirin he wants, but no more Vicodin. Bitch. Suddenly, House gets that weird look in his eye, and limps out of the room. In the hallway, he asks the parents which one gave Alice an aspirin. Because now he thinks that she has Reye’s Syndrome. I don’t know what that is, and I’m too apathetic to look it up, but House says that one aspirin could tank her brain and liver, so I’m inclined to believe it’s serious. Both parents deny giving her an aspirin, but Edie says that maybe the babysitter could’ve done it. Sure, blame the babysitter. I bet that’s why all the vodka in your liquor cabinet has been replaced with water, too. No wait, that was me.
House tells Cuddy to put Alice on charcoal briquettes. If nothing else, she’ll smell like mesquite in the morning. Since he (thinks) he figured out the problem, he tells Cuddy to give him some more pills. She pulls the bottle of her coat pocket and gives him two more. So, how long will it be before House tries to bang Cuddy, just so that coat will be on his floor? That’s what I’d do.
Later, Cuddy explains the procedure to Alice. But all she wants to talk about is how she’s afraid of her parents splitting up. God, children are so selfish.
Next, it’s Cameron’s turn to talk with DMo Popo. She asks if he’s going to break out the rubber hoses and bright lights, and once again I’m reminded of my honeymoon. She tells him she won’t testify just because she has to borrow lunch money. Trigger knows she won’t testify, because chicks don’t give up guys they’re in love with. Of course, she denies it, but we all know she is. How else do you explain the disdain in her voice, the coldness in her eyes, the warmth in her cooter every time she talks to House? DMo Popo says she has to be in love with him, because he’s unhinged, unethical and unmobile, yet she stands by him. “It can’t just be loyalty and respect?” she asks. Nope, gotta be the Puppy Chow. He tells her that she used to be someone who did the right thing, but House has changed her. Made her darker. Eviler. More bangable.
Cuddy goes back in to check on Alice. No sooner does Foreman say she’s fine than she starts yelling that her arm hurts. Foreman thinks she has a blood clot in her arm, so he sends her into surgery. But not before Alice tells Cuddy that she promised it wouldn’t hurt. Passive-aggressive much, ALICE?
In the cafeteria, it’s Chase’s turn to meet with DMo Popo. He tells Chase that he knows he told the others his accounts had been frozen too, but they both know they never were. Chase only told them that so they wouldn’t know that Trigger had singled him out, because he thought they’d think he was going to testify against House. After all, he has a reputation as an opportunist, so DMo Popo wants to use that against him. Trigger tells Chase that in 24 hours, he’s going to unfreeze everyone’s accounts. And because he’s made sure that they’ve been seen together in the cafeteria, everyone is going to think that Chase turned on House. Pretty sneaky, sis. Chase is hellascrewed now.
During the surgery, Alice’s temperature starts to spike. Cuddy asks for some cooling blankets so she can keep Alice’s brain from melting. Turns out the icy cold stuff is all down in the ER, where they’re dealing with a four-car collision. Caused, no doubt, by House’s addiction. Since there’s no way to cool Alice down in the OR, Cuddy rips out all of her wires, picks her up and runs off. Man, if only the Wonder Twins were here. (And for once, I’m not talking about Cuddy’s breastesses.)
In the observation room, Cameron, Chase and House are still arguing about Alice’s case, so none of them notice that Cuddy has run off with their patient. Cameron says that House screwed up, but Chase takes House’s side. House tells him he doesn’t need his ass covered, he needs his Vicodin. All he gets is two pills every six hours. Cuddy’s given DMo Popo leverage over medical decisions, and Housie don’t like it. “Why don’t we get a plumber in here and ask his opinion?” He yells down at Cuddy and asks if she knows any rodeo clowns. One problem: Cuddy’s not down there. She’s taking a cold shower with Alice. This is getting very John Mark Karr now.
That’s one hot cold shower.
When House finds them, Cuddy shows him Alice’s arm. It’s totally red and rash-covered. He says he told her it was an infection, so this is all her fault. And it’s a damn good thing she failed at becoming a mother, because she sucks at it. Ah, don’t look so sad, Cuddy, that’s just the pills talking. Or the lack of, I guess.
Finally, it’s time for this week’s round of Guess the Disease. Actually, it’s not much of a round at all, since nobody but House is throwing out any guesses. He figures something must be up. Cameron tells him that DMo Popo released their bank accounts. “Horrible news,” he says. “Glad we didn’t let that fester.” Then he throws out another possibility which everyone ignores. Foreman says that since Trigger released their money, that means that someone must have turned on House. Cameron throws out Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, then throws Chase under the bus. Everyone knows he and DMo Popo were seen together laughing in the lunchroom; it must have been him. After Cameron and Foreman leave to treat Alice, Chase asks House if they can talk. House isn’t interested in anything Chase has to say: “Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn’t and you want applause.” Other things Chase wants: a basket of puppies.
“You gonna eat that?
Wilson stops by Cuddy’s office to talk about House. She’s seen him be rude a thousand times to achieve something, but she’s never seen him be mean just because he can. Wilson says he’s seen House be rude to her a thousand times, but he’s never seen it get to her. “People think House has no inner sensor,” Cuddy says. But he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. Then she tells Wilson about how she’s been trying to get pregnant, but has failed so far. And how House knew that’s what would hurt her most. Wilson says he’s sorry, but she didn’t fail; those were just physical events. She’s upset because Alice was terrified and in pain, and she froze. She didn’t hug her, didn’t hold her hand, didn’t even stick her tongue down her throat. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be good with kids. Wilson stops her and says he sees what she means about House poking the right spot. It’s a damn good thing he never told House he was trying to get pregnant too.
It’s the next morning, and the treatment still hasn’t worked: Alice is getting sicker and the rash is getting rashier. House thinks the infection has morphed and moved into her muscle sheath. Foreman says it can’t be flesh-eating bacteria, because the only treatment for that is amputation. Cameron says there’s no way they can cut a six-year-old girl in half without a better diagnosis. Or a bigger saw. But House says they can’t wait any longer. If the rash keeps spreading, Alice will die.
Chase says they’re not even certain Alice has an infection. House, who’s in obvious physical pain, screams at the Outhouses that just because Alice is cute they think she can’t have flesh-eating bacteria. So he suggests they cure her with sunshine and puppies. Wait, that’s an option? “Cute kids die and innocent doctors go to jail because cowards like you won’t stand up for what’s right,” he tells them. Then he pops a pill and heads off to break the news to her parents: without any more magic unicorn powder, Alice will die.
While Alice is being prepped for surgery, the Outhouses are sitting around complaining about House. Chase starts shining House’s laser at Foreman. Foreman tells him to stop it before he burns his retinas. And suddenly Chase has an epiphany: That’s right, House was wrong about the puppies!
“Cross my chow zone again, you’re gonna pull back a bloody stump.”
He runs off to find House and tell him to stop the surgery. Alice doesn’t have flesh-eating disease; she’s just allergic to light. Think about it. She got worse every time they put her under surgical lights, and whenever she went outside. But Dr. McDetox doesn’t want to hear it and tells Chase to get out of his way. When Chase won’t move, House punches him in the face. Even House seems shocked by what he just did. Chase doesn’t fight back though; he just keeps explaining to House why he’s right and House is wrong. Chase went down with just one punch from a skinny cripple. That’s sad. Steve Erwin would be so disappointed, if he hadn’t have gone down with one punch himself.
Fortunately, the operation is stopped just in time. Cuddy tells the parents what happened. Alice has always had this condition; it just manifested now. It can be managed, but it’s going to be hard. And because she knows the parents will fight about who’s to blame, she tells them that both of them were carriers of the gene, so they’re both to blame. Yes, but which one of them is more to blame?
Later that night, Chase and Wilson are making more peanut butter sandwiches. He tells Wilson that House screwed up Alice’s case. Yeah, but he’s done that before, Wilson says, ever the enabler. But this time House didn’t care. And that’s never happened before. When Chase leaves, Wilson approaches Trigger and tells him he’s going to need 30 pieces of silver.
So, what did you think? Can you believe that little bitch Wilson turned on his best friend like that? I thought for sure it would be Chase who folded. From the previews, it looks like the DMo Popo arc is winding up in the next couple weeks. And thank goodness. Not only am I tired of it, it’s also really hard to type DMo Popo.