Floppy Can Save Lives

Raise your hand if your show-mom doesn’t give you enough attention

Last week’s episode of House was really good because there was no psychoanalysis of House, no threats of him going to jail, and there was really very little action and almost all medical mystery. I was really hoping that the same would be true for this week, since we’re nearing the end of the season and FOX should be trying to pull out all the stops. Not quite.

I should also point out that I didn’t start watching House until this year. I was dead-set against it, mainly because I didn’t respect the opinions of a few people who watched it (I thought they were idiots). Oh how wrong I was though. Also, I can easily get past idiots liking the show, because I just convince myself they like it for all the simple reasons. I guess I’m an elitist. Or just conceited. Anyways, join me as I journey into the realm of recapping scripted television…

This week the episode starts off in some sort of daycare center, and a father rushes in to tend to his son, who got into a fight and has a nose that’s bleeding pretty profusely. Apparently someone told this kid he smells like a monkey, which caused the fight. Surprisingly, the dad doesn’t totally disagree. Then a little girl walks up and calls the father “Daddy,” so I think we can all agree she has some sort of relation to this man. He tells her to go play. Meanwhile, this kid’s nose has been bleeding for ten minutes. Dad tells the daycare director to call the ambulance. Then the little girl walks over again with a toy medical instrument and says she can help, but the dad basically says to go play again. Finally, the nose stops bleeding, and the dad tells the daycare director she can call the ambulance back. However, the bloody nose kid (or formerly bloody nose kid) is staring in another direction, and the little girl (Lucy) is hyperventilating or something on the floor. As the picture zooms out, we see a toy syringe next to her on the ground. Great, yet another toy heroin OD. Always a tragedy.

“HEY, KID IN THE BEAN BAG. .. STOP OVER ACTING!”

We see Cuddy walk into House’s office as he’s about to leave, and she tells him about a 6 year old with restrictive periocarditis. That bores house, regardless of how old she is, so he dumps the case on his LittleHouses. The group is arguing about what it could be, and then we see Chase and Cameron get into a tussle that you always see exes get into. It’s supposed to be about the medicine you two. Good to see that whole thing didn’t end ugly. Anyways, Cameron and Foreman stay to run the tests that House told them to do, but Chase argues that the tests are futile and House will call them idiots anyways, so he’s going home. The next day, as expected, House calls Foreman and Cameron idiots, and Chase walks in, refreshed, and he says the girl has a fungal infection, which impresses House. He tells Cameron to do some medical procedures (biopsy this, find out that) and to take Chase with her. She says she’d rather take Foreman, and House says he knows. Perhaps she should have thought of that before she started trying to have meaningless sex with Chase.

The two go in to administer more tests on the little girl (Lucy), but she says she doesn’t want any more shots. Her brother mocks her “I don’t want any shots,” like a total dick. He’s totally going to get what’s coming to him. Also, his name is Jasper, so I assume that’s another reason he gets in fights a lot. Cameron and Chase find out that the mother of these two died of brain cancer. Their dad seems to be entirely overwhelmed with trying to give these two enough attention; that will probably come into play later also. Anyways, Jasper looks at Cameron’s cleavage, I mean the necklace she had on, and she tries to make friends with him. As soon as Chase finishes with the shot, Lucy asks for her bunny, but she can’t grab it. She’s got double vision! Theres no disguise, she’s got double vision. Probably a side effect of the toy heroin. So tragic.

As a little girl, Im not sure which of these would frighten me more.

The double vision is reported back to House, so he tells the Housers to check the girl’s knees. He thinks it could be juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, but the girl wouldn’t be able to pinpoint what inflamed joints feels like. Not because she’s young, but because she’s stupid. Ok, probably because she’s young. With that, House makes his way down to the clinic, all the while trying to dump play tickets off on Wilson. House doesn’t want them because there’s no woman he wants to see naked, so he gave them to Wilson, because there must be a woman he wants to see naked. Then House tends to his patient, who is the scrawny guy from Dodgeball. He complains of various aches and pains, and House says he’s going to need a urine sample.

Well, that’s gonna be a problem for our old Dodgeball friend. He’s not so good at peeing in public. And by public I mean areas that are not his own toilet. So House entrusts him with the sample bottle to take it home (apparently he lives close), fill it and bring it back.

We go back upstairs to Lucy, and Foreman is explaining rheumatoid arthritis to her father. As soon as he finishes talking about how good it is that they caught it early, Lucy sits up, and the left side of her face is sagging. She’s having a stroke!

The people at HOUSE sure do love their new “stroke” effect.

2nd time theyve used it in April.

Apparently this “stroke” was caused by a “clot” in the “brain” “artery.” So much medical jargon, how do I sift through it all? As House and the Gang are trying to sort out this girl’s problem, Cameron says this girl’s blood is thicker than pancake batter. Oh Cameron. Always thinking about food during medical emergencies. Anyways, Chase and Cameron get into another ex-coupley argument about where this girl could be getting excess carbon dioxide from, and House sends them to check out the house. On their way out, Jasper runs up to Cameron and brings her flowers. Cameron reads the card though, and it’s to someone who had a “bundle of joy.” Seriously, the medical jargon is confusing the hell out of me. Cameron sends the boy back upstairs with a guard, but then she takes a flower and gives Jasper a kiss on the cheek. Then she looks him in the eye and they start making out. Come on Cameron, this kid’s 8! Actually, following the kiss on the cheek, Jasper calls Chase a punk bitch.

The old “make your man jealous by molesting an 8 year old trick”

So Chase and Cameron are searching through the house, and Chase is jealous that Cameron kissed Jasper. Sailing to new heights Chase, being jealous of an 8 year old. They make their way up to the little girl’s bedroom and they climb under the bed, all the while engaging in relationship talk. Hey Chase, she said she didn’t want a relationship. Maybe she didn’t want you to be a bitch about it either. This relationship discussion bores me, and I can’t figure out what’s worse, the House goes to jail plotline or this. Anyways, while under the bed, they find a bloody shirt in the vent below it.

Everyone reconvenes and now there are questions of sexual abuse. House wants them to do a full exam of the girl, but the father will have to consent to it. The father could easily lie about abusing the girl, so Foreman comes right out and confronts him. The father says he’s never abused the girl, so he consents to the exam. Then we see Cameron giving the girl her exam. As she moves south, I get more and more uncomfortable. Then Cameron says, “I’m going to look in your vagina now, understand? I’m a doctor, so it’s ok.” That line has NEVER worked for me. Cameron finishes the exam and says “Oh my God.” I’m not doctor, but I would assume that etiquette excludes you from saying that while examining a 6 year old’s vagina. But, again, I’m no doctor.

The old “Make the molested 8 year old jealous by molesting his 6 year old sister trick”

So with the exam complete, what did Cameron find? Cuts all over the patient’s genital area, like slices, some new, some old. They say that she’s too young to be a cutter, and her bajingo (can we stop with the references to this young girls hooha?) is fine. The LittleHouses go to report to House, but he’s gone.

House is back in the clinic with our Dodgeball friend. House says that the urine sample he received was obviously not this guy’s urine, and people only fake urine samples for three reasons: they’re on steroids, they’re on drugs (guy: “I’m not.” House: “I am.”), or they’re repeating someone else’s symptoms who’s too scared/poor to come in and get checked out themselves. How did House know it was the third case? Dude’s pregnant.

Cuddy interrupts House while he’s with his clinic patient and tells him he needs to bring in social services whenever abuse is suspect. House responds by giving her the third degree about why she’s wearing extra foundation under her eyes. Cuddy says she was out late at a play, so obviously House assumes Wilson took her, and that must mean that Wilson wants to see her naked. House then finds Wilson and accuses him of his theory, and Wilson doesn’t give House a straight answer. Did Wilson sleep with Cuddy? Yes. Are you serious? No. So did you? Yes. Really? No. It may have gone on longer than that, but that’s pretty much the gist.

Let’s get back to Lucy. They analyzed the blood on the shirt, and it’s definitely Lucy’s blood. The twist is, the blood is full of endometrial cells. Apparently this 6-year old girl is menstruating. Just like all 6 year old girls. (I know nothing of the female body.) And just like that we’re back on this girl’s vajayjay. The dad is confused as to how this could happen, because Lucy was just in diapers two years ago (weren’t we all?), and yet again, he’s looking like the overwhelmed single father.

So now I’m torn about whether or not to discuss what this girl did, but I guess if I had to go through it, so will you. Cameron explains that Lucy got her period, and didn’t know what to do. A friend said to put a shirt in her underwear, and then she stole her dad’s razor to try to shave her pubic hair. Hey, welcome to House recaps. Talk about this girls (insert wacky name for vagina here)!

While Chase and Foreman are doing an MRI on Lucy, they’re discussing the whole Chase-Cameron thing. Well, it was more like Chase was dying for some girl talk so he started spilling the beans and Foreman couldn’t care less. Finally, when he’d had enough, Foreman said that either Cameron is lying, or she’s actually emotionally detached, and that’s just not her style. YAAAWWWWNNNN. In more interesting news, they actually do find a tumor on one of the girl’s ovaries. Just sitting there, waiting to be punched.

Who are you?

Dude, I’m Omar. I’ve been on the show sine the beginning?? The black guy?

Really? Nothing?

Man I knew I should have auditioned for BONES.

House ran into Wilson upstairs, and Wilson was freaked out. Cuddy sent him flowers, and a card that suggested more than just a friendship. As soon as he sees Cuddy, Wilson starts ducking her like he’s got gambling debts and his thumbs are due for collection. House walks in to talk to Cuddy, and she asked what’s up with Wilson. “I sent him flowers,” responds House. Well played indeed.

Upstairs Jasper runs into Cameron, and he starts to drill her about her relationship with Chase. Then we’re treated to a gratuitous ass-shot of Cameron, and I have to say, great work. We could use more of those. Jasper then calls Chase a tool, and Cameron says that’s rude. I think the rude part to her was the implication that she would ever sleep with a tool though. Anyways, the kid completes the trifecta by grabbing Cameron’s ass. I have to say this kid has quickly become my favorite character next to house and Cameron’s ass on the show.

Cameron is just assome.

At his age, I was selling magazine subscriptions for work. . .

. . . I now resent my parents.

Down in surgery, as they’re preparing to do the biopsy of the tumor, the girl begins to crash. There’s your crash scene for the week. They get her stabilized, and then Foreman discovers that the tumor is actually a benign cyst, meaning the cause must be environmental. Standing there, looking at all of the household items removed from the house, Foreman says it’s going to be a long night, then ditches Cameron and Chase for the night.

Well, you know what leaving these two alone means. More sappy relationship crap. Chase begins to confront Cameron about having feelings for him and lying about the meaningless sex, and as he’s getting to the heartfelt crap, Jasper shows up, a huge ball of 8 year old rage. He pushes Chase down, which causes Chase to say “Get this kid off me” like he’s said it 1,000 times before. Before being pulled off, Jasper manages to get a solid bite on the arm of Chase. Chase was kind of mad, but even he had to admire the kid’s excellent teeth.

For some reason, Cameron and Chase decide that the bite is a good reason to call House. It’s not, obviously, and House hangs up disinterested. However, as he’s watching wrestling, you can see the wheels turning. House calls them back and says Jasper is aggressive because he’s out of his mind with hormones, so if they don’t figure out what’s wrong with Lucy, it’s going to happen to Jasper soon enough.

Coolest Juggernaut costume ever. .. I miss X-Men

Jasper has 100 times more testosterone than an average 8 year old. So do I ladies. So do I. There’s nothing in the house that could cause the increase in testosterone though, because Cameron-Chase tested everything overnight. At this point, House discovers that Foreman went home for the night, and now he’s proud of Foreman for delegating work to C-C when he’s their peer. The group wonders if it’s a brain tumor or possible genetic tumors. Cameron says they don’t show the symptoms, but Chase disagrees, saying they do if pubic hair and menstruation are the symptoms. Ok, now I really feel bad for Jasper if he’s going to start menstruating. Cameron says that’s ridiculous, and if menstruating is a symptom, she should be in treatment. House tells her that that’s ridiculous though; she’s way too skinny to be menstruating.

The little girl starts screaming of tummy pain. Man, what is it with her. This hurts, the side of of my brain is dying, wa wa waa. She now has cysts on her pancreas, kidneys and lungs, and if they don’t hurry, she’ll die. They theorize about possibility of pituitary adenoma, but House doesn’t agree. And, we all know that you can’t remove the pituitary without consent. Come on Cameron. House thinks the cause has to be the daycare. Well, they present their case to the father, and he’s not sure what to think. He says it can’t be the daycare, because no other kids are sick. Cameron brings out the “My husband died of this” wildcard, and she gets the father to consent. Afterward, House leans over and whispers to Cameron, “I can’t believe you played the dead husband card.”

House then questions how the dad knew none of the other kids at daycare were sick if he’s been at the hospital for four days. So guess who shows up at daycare. House sees a little girl there and asks her if she has hair on her special place. Just a note, that’s a great ice-breaker for ANY conversation. House knows that the daycare director and the father are dating, because how else would the father have known no one else was sick? Then he notices that the director had a red upper lip. She said she ran out over lunch to get it waxed. It’s all so clear now. The daycare director is a man!

House has all he needs to know, so he heads back to the hospital. “There’s something wrong in your pants,” he says to the father, and I can’t think of any time that’s a good thing to hear. “That’s not flesh-eating bacteria, there’s something wrong in your pants!” “We don’t have to cut open your brain, there’s something wrong in your pants!” “We better take these pants off. There’s something wrong in your pants!” That last one could be good or bad I guess.

Anyways, the dad has been using a dong cream for “enhancement,” and the testosterone is seeping out of his pores, transferring into his kids through contact, not to mention the daycare chick. House tells him if he stops with the cream, he’ll be floppy, but his kids will be fine. Mystery solved. Why does it always come back to the penis creams?

And the terrible father of the year award goes to. . .

Later, Wilson walks into House’s office. He’s looking weary and distressed, and he says he can’t stop thinking about Cuddy. He’s just going to walk into her office and kiss her, and House can barely hide his excitement. Wilson walks out, but House doesn’t follow to watch. About two seconds later, Wilson storms back in in disbelief. How could House let him do that when House sent him the flowers?

Chase and Cameron are in the locker room, and Chase got Cameron flowers. Man, Chase is a bitch. Cameron says she doesn’t want a relationship, and Chase says he knows and he’s trying to act all cool, but you just know deep down he wants to have a sleepover and give each other makeovers.

The episode ends with the father walking out of the hospital with his two kids and the daycare director (hairy lip and all), and House and Cuddy are discussing relationships. I’m not really sure what was said, but it ended with House asking Cuddy if she wanted to go see a play.

So that was this week’s episode. I liked last week better, when there were two medical mysteries, and not much filler, but I guess you can’t have that all the time.

Feel free to let me know what you thought of the recap, since this is my first foray into non-reality TV. What do you call that? Oh yeah, TV.

Also, what did you think of the episode? Are you cool with the relationship stuff, or does it bore you? Do you think I hate Chase, or do I just wish he’d be a man? Will House ever get to see Cuddy naked?