So after last week’s high-octane action, what’s in store for our dysfunctional doc this week? Are we finally gonna get some Huddy? Will Foreman find a miracle cure for 13? Why do I keep asking all these questions? Let’s just watch and see.
A fitness trainer is shooting a commercial on stadium steps while her students run behind her. A rather portly gentleman collapses on the bleachers in the middle of the shot. Cut! She asks the director to take five so she can run with her class. She wants to be sweaty and panting in the commercial so she doesn’t look like a phony. The guy who fell gets up and keeps going, but the trainer collapses on the bleachers herself. Gotcha! It’s the old POW Fakeout: the skinny girl, not the fat guy!
I gotcher phony right here. No self-respecting hipster wears THIS much black.
Cuddy runs to catch the elevator up with House. She gives him the case and follows him to his office, except it’s their office now. She’s moving in with him while hers is de-crime-scened following last week’s hostage crisis. Wow, Cuddy is perky tonight. And I don’t just mean her personality. Her wardrobe has shrunk back to its pre-baby size. The woman sure knows how to bounce back from a crisis. She boots House into the conference room and takes his desk.
Name That Disease, Minus Foreteen, Equals Funny
Foreman and 13 are doing the Huntington’s trial thing, so the Houseguests are short-staffed today. At least they would be if Cuddy didn’t keep butting in. Or “back-seat differentialating”, as House calls it. The POW collapsed because of trouble breathing, but the mystery is that her lungs were clean on a CAT scan. Louie says she’s probably on steroids, since you have to cheat to get in such good shape. Cuddy thinks it’s asthma brought on by exercise. House scoffs at her, then takes the boys out in the hall and admits it’s a good theory.
Down in the Experimental Medicine wing, 13 sits out in the hall waiting for her appointment with her better half. She sees another Huntington’s patient who’s much farther along and having trouble controlling her muscles. We get a flashback to when 13 was actually 13 (or thereabouts), watching her mother go through the same symptoms.
The POW is doing a stress test, trying to reproduce the symptom that put her in the hospital. Louie asks her if she ever indulges herself even a little bit. He doesn’t like her much. She says she feels fine, and falls off the bike into his arms.
13 is doing the test with Foreman watching. It appears to involve tapping your fingers on buttons. I would totally kill that test. Half the time I’m just mashing random keys on my keyboard just to keep my fingers moving. She thinks she’s taking advantage by being there–she doesn’t have any symptoms yet and someone else should get her spot. Hey, yeah, isn’t there some rule that says employees of the hospital are ineligible for the test? Are you telling me that a Coke employee can’t play a stupid bottlecap game, but just anyone can sign up to prove life-saving drugs work? I ain’t buying it. Foreman tells her not to feel guilty, she didn’t do so great on the test and her symptoms are starting. Dun dun dun.
Cuddy sits at House’s desk, playing with his ball. More on that later. He’s tired of exile in the conference room and says the desk is big enough for them to share. I don’t know about you, but I get more of a brother-sister vibe from them in this scene. Maybe I’m just flashing back to when I had to split the back seat with my brother on long car trips.
MOM!!! He just breathed in my space!
The Houseguests interrupt this slightly incestuous scene to tell House that the POW’s heart stopped. But, like her lungs, her heart appears fine. Maybe it’s a tumor? Loumar, go check her out again. Kumar asks Louie for his opinion about another patient. He’s running a web site where people can ask him for unofficial second opinions. He’s moonlighting. Better yet, he’s moonlighting pretending to be House. What an awesome idea. Louie says he’ll keep his mouth shut for 30 percent of the take. Even awesomer idea. But back to the first POW. Her stomach is tiny, which means she had a gastric bypass. “Our patient’s a big fat cheater,” Louie gloats.
Name That Disease: In Which House Loses His Balls
Sure enough, House has dug up a fat pic of the POW. She had the surgery removed from her medical records so they wouldn’t hurt her DVD sales. So now they throw out fat-person diseases like diabetes and sleep apnea. House turns to Cuddy, who is on the phone, and asks her if she’s seen his balls. He’s trying to embarrass her so she’ll leave the office. Not to be outdone, she tells the phone that she has House’s balls and isn’t giving them back. Irritated at being one-upped so easily, by a girl even, House rules out the typical obesity-related diseases. But really House, was that the best you could do? It was an easy setup.
The boys go down to the trial and interrupt Foreteen’s private party. Forced to consider other alternatives, Kumar throws out a bowel infection. They need a stool sample to check for that. Louie goes to ask for it and can barely conceal his disdain for her hypocrisy (he tells her to “put some of what you’re full of in here”). She asks if he’d have surgery to make himself taller. “Sure, but I wouldn’t call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they could be taller if they work real hard at it.” -1 for obscure analogy, Taub, your comebacks need work. She claims she tried all the other options first, but nothing worked, and then the surgery made her healthy, which made her happy. Louie begs to differ. Being pretty made her happy. IF she’s happy. Oy, even Louie gets some zingers this week. Who’s writing the dialogue this week and are they fulltime? And is he really that short?
Cuddy shows Wilson around her office as it’s being renovated. He accuses her of commandeering House’s office so she can be close to him. Gee, thanks, Doctor Obvious. I have the sniffles and a scratchy throat today. Ya think it might be a cold? Please advise.
Kumar and Louie are talking about Kumar’s moonlight case while waiting on the results of the stool sample. Moonlight POW is having joint pain, possibly caused by leaky breast implants. House overhears them talking and they go back to discussing the trainer’s case. House wants to know why they’re waiting for a test to tell them if her poo has high fat content–if it does, it will float in water. Even I knew about that test–and you don’t want to know how. Let’s just say living with someone who works in the medical industry is a recipe for TMI. Anyway, House grabs a bucket of water and drops in a handful. It doesn’t float. He shouldn’t have ruled out sleep apnea. Now Loumar can stay up all night observing the POW. She sneaks out of the observation room while they’re busy discussing Kumar’s other case again and goes to run on a treadmill. She says she feels fine. Her leg is bleeding but she doesn’t feel it. I think I’m beginning to see your problem. Quit saying you feel fine, and you’ll be fine. That’ll be twelve thousand dollars, please.
Name That Disease: the Who Farted Round
House’s office stinks of sulfur, because Cuddy is in there mixing up some chemicals. She knows he’s working late, and leaves him with the smell. Who knew the woman had game? 13 wants to be late to her drug-trial session so she can Name That Disease. Foreman stalks out while the rest of them discuss the POW’s numb leg. Is it the power station or the wires? asks House. The Houseguests, rusty from going 3 episodes with no Silly Analogy, don’t get it. He explains: brain problem or nerve problem?
Louie is being snippy with the POW again. She admits that she’s a hypocrite for having her stomach stapled and making money telling people they can lose weight naturally–but hey, who hasn’t? She asks Louie if he hasn’t ever done anything hypocritical. Oh, that’s why he hates her. He’s taking out his guilt on her. But wait, so it’s OK to be a hypocrite if everyone else is too? Isn’t that a little, well, hypocritical? But enough about my personal life. While we’re talking philosophy, Foreman is waiting on 13, who is late to her test session.
A skanky chick is in the elevator with Loumar. She says she’s going to see House and complains of joint pain caused by breast implants. Oh, and now her hair is falling out. Sure enough, it’s Kumar’s moonlight POW. This storyline keeps getting awesomer. They turn her around and herd her down to the clinic for antibiotics to get rid of her.
House is snoozing in the hall, since his office stinks. I guess Princeton Plainsboro doesn’t need an on-call room with cots since they only have one surgeon. But then where do you go to answer midnight booty calls? If there’s one thing Grey’s Anatomy taught me, it’s that a hospital has to have a decent hookup room.
House decides to go vandalize Cuddy’s office to retaliate for the smell in his office. “She sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of hers to the morgue,” he says in a terrific Sean Connery impression. I had to look that up, but it’s a quote from The Untouchables. It must be time to add some old mob movies to my Netflix queue. BTW, if you’re keeping score, that’s an Englishman impersonating an American impersonating a Scotsman. Hugh Laurie should get to use his real accent on the show sometime. It’ll freak you out if you’ve never heard it before. Down in Cuddy’s office, they think the POW might have some kind of toxin–surely you don’t get that good-looking after being fat without a little Botox help. House takes a sledgehammer to Cuddy’s toilet.
That’s where I work out all my frustration too.
13 comes home to find Foreman snooping around her place, looking for evidence that she’s fallen off the wagon. After telling him to get out (did he have a key or has gotten too good at breaking and entering?), she admits she hates seeing those other Huntington’s patients in the waiting room and being reminded of what’s in store for her. She gets no love from the Foremeister. She’d better be on time if she wants to keep participating in the test. Not to mention if she wants a ride on the midnight train. Snap.
Name That Disease is out on the stairs because Cuddy moved all the furniture out of House’s office after he trashed her office. House asks 13 why she’s leaning away from Foreman. “Trouble in the land of false hope?” Kumar gets a page, and House wants to know who’s calling. Then Louie gets a page. He asks Louie if it bothers him that his wife paged Kumar first. Bwahaha. Anyway, maybe the POW has Guillain-Barre syndrome? (Thank the Good Lord for closed captions–without them I’d have no chance at spelling any of these medical terms right.)
Down in the clinic, the moonlight POW is singing the lime in the coconut song, and her ears are bleeding. My ears bleed when I hear that song too, but right now I’m laughing because that is just goofy. Where have they been keeping the one writer on the staff with a real sense of humor? Cameron is worried that Coconut Girl is having a seizure, and they should call House in. Isn’t Cameron a real doctor? Treat her yourself, woman.
The original POW is feeling sorry for herself now that it seems getting healthy made her sick. Louie tells her to lose the self-pity and makes her walk down to another test. Kumar does Name That Disease with Camerase. They tell him to run to House. Is that all the advice they ever give? Put it on tape and save the payroll. Kumar has a good theory, which Chase offers to test for another percentage of Kumar’s take. This subplot just keeps getting better.
Wilson and House are down in Cuddy’s office. House has been screwing with the renovation plans (for instance, getting a bidet put in instead of a toilet). I hate to spoil the fun, but I have to ask: when did he have time to do this? Doctor Obvious notes that Houses’s shenanigans are prolonging Cuddy’s residence in his office.
Louie brings the POW’s students into her room for a visit. He told them about her bypass. They pile on her like a rugby team of plus-size zombies. She wakes up, of course. Rats. That would have been totally awesome if it had actually happened.
Name That Disease: Mad Cow Round
Now they’re back to using House’s office, even though it’s empty. The POW had a hallucination. What, can’t anyone just have nightmares? The new theory is prions, which you may know better as Mad Cow Disease. But guess what, they have to biopsy her brain to find out. How long has it been since we drilled into a head? Two weeks? Feels like an eternity. Cuddy barges in again. She tells them no brain biopsy unless it’s a last resort, and gives them a list of other things they have to test first. House follows her out, enticed by her spunk and her rapidly shrinking outfit. They have the old Han-vs-Leia argument (“You LIKE me! No, YOU like ME!”). Cuddy breaks first and wants a kiss. House skips first base and goes straight for second instead–and nope, sorry, but I’m still feeling the brother-sister thing. Cuddy is offended and walks out.
(Character-obsessed-writer’s sidenote: I love how House is totally in control of his antisocial behavior. He did that on purpose, because either 1) she’ll take him at his worst, or 2) she’ll be pissed and he’ll get to avoid uncomfortable intimacy. House being House, he’d be miserable either way.)
Not. At. All. Hot.
13 makes herself watch the older Huntington’s patient in the waiting room. Hey, that’s Tank Girl Lori Petty! 13 asks Foreman if she can change her appointment time. Foreman says nope. He’s trying the same thing on her that House tried on him a couple of weeks ago. More flashbacks of her sick mom being helped into the car to go to the hospital as 13-year-old 13 watches out of the window. Finally 13 goes over to Tank Girl and helps her get her coat on. Another demon goes down. She’s on a roll.
Louie is now pushing the POW in a wheelchair, evidently warming up to her now that she’s been broken. She wants to know the truth about her situation, and she wants some cake. He comes clean to her about the mad cow and takes her to get some.
House is sulking in his office, which has all its furniture back. Nice win, House. Louie comes in to update him on the POW and House asks him how his affair felt. Louie says deep down it was miserable. House says he’s just rationalizing, since he had to give up the affair to make his marriage work. What’s that have to do with anything? Is House feeling guilty about more than stealing second? They go see the POW, who is up and stretching. She’s getting better?
Name That Disease: The Back Where We Belong Round
House says sick people who are sick enough to need him don’t spontaneously get better. He asks Louie what he did to the POW. House lightbulbs when Louie mentions the cake. He takes one to the POW. She has hereditary something-or-other. Her body doesn’t make enough of some enzyme, and the cure is a high-carb diet. So getting healthy made her sick. We love you, irony. Louie, barely able to contain his glee, says they need to reverse her bypass and she has to start eating more. She refuses, and wants to manage the symptoms with drugs instead. She’d rather be pretty than healthy. Louie jumps off her bandwagon so fast he leaves a vapor trail. He complains to Kumar that she’s shallow after all. “You’re surprised she’s superficial?” asks Kumar. “You’re a plastic surgeon.” Oh yeah I forgot about that little detail. That explains an awful lot about Taub. They go down to the clinic to check on the moonlight POW. A nurse tells them she died awhile ago. Someone’s got some esplainin’ to do!
Cuddy is showing Wilson her new office. She must have had the work done by Doozers, wasn’t House down there like last night? I have the hardest time keeping track of House Standard Time. Wilson likes the new desk. That’s not a new desk, says Cuddy, that’s her old desk from med school. She lights up like it’s Christmas as she realizes House must have had it put in there. So his vandalizing had a purpose. Clever.
13 admits to Foreman that seeing Tank Girl made her face her mommy issues. Her mom yelled at her a lot because the disease made her brain shrink. She never said goodbye. Oh, is that all it is? I was hoping for something a little more self-centered than guilt. Foreman gives her a big ole bear hug. Countdown to consummation: half an episode.
The boys go down to see Coconut Girl in the morgue. “House is gonna kill us,” says Louie. “Slowly and painfully,” says House coming in behind them. Yeah, he’s a little pissed. He hops up on the table (not bad for a guy with a gimpy leg) and gives her CPR. she wakes up and the boys jump back screaming. OMG, Loumar got punk’d! House paid the girl to pose as Kumar’s patient. I so did not see that coming. Especially since I just saw it on Heroes like yesterday. House tells Kumar to keep the web site up because it’s a cash cow, and takes another 50% of the profit. Coconuts says House still has 3 hours left on his time and gives him the old wink-wink. So that’s what House is feeling guilty about.
Save the hooker, save the show.
The coconut song plays in the background as Cuddy heads up to House’s office looking pleased as punch. House’s about to get lucky… except he already did. Cuddy sees Coconut Girl in there with him, and walks away stunned. Perfect ending.
This was the perfect followup to last week’s over-the-top episode. We got plot advancement. We got Huddy. We got Foreteen. Best of all, we got humor. Loves it. Best episode of the season so far. What did you think?