House: Ghosts, Vampires and a Bitch or Two

I’ve been having trouble coming up with a costume idea for Halloween this year. I’m a big fan of making very little effort, spending very little money and having clever costumes that don’t require too much explaining. I’ve run through a number of TV characters that I could be, and they were all just too obscure. One of the characters I thought of was House. Pretty simple, right? Blazer, scruffy beard, some sort of vintage t-shirt underneath, sneakers, jeans and a cane with flames at the bottom. But I thought even that would be too obscure. I would just look like a guy who didn’t dress up and had a weird cane. So what was the final decision? Headless horseman with head. (Not really)

Anyways, this was the Halloween episode, I guess(?), of House, and there were a few surprises in it. Also, I would consider it much better than 30 Days of Night. God what an awful movie that was. So read on to find out what happened this week.

A woman is cutting somebody’s hair and talking about a date she had, or how she’s never met a good man or something. As we zoom out a little we see she’s a dead person beautician. A mortician. She walks over to get coffee and some guy comes up behind her. She’s nervous, and she tries to get away, and she bumps into the dead guy she was dress grooming behind her. Then she notices the head wound of the other guy who attacked her in a mirror. So they’re both dead. And now they want to kill her! The first dead guy grabs her, pulls out a knife, cuts open her shirt, then strangles her as she calls out for some guy to help her. Is it ironic to be killed by a dead guy? Regardless, the guy she called for eventually comes down. Both dead guys are on their respective tables, and the woman is passed out on the ground like 20 feet from them. It’s pretty obvious what happened here though. The dead guys came to life, strangled her, then scrambled back to their tables and covered themselves up. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times.

Trust fall!

House calls in to the team of doctors this week, and he’s just lazy because he’s sitting in his office. The doctors haven’t gotten the case file yet, and Cameron walks into House’s office. I liked it more when she wasn’t wearing scrubs all the time. Apparently she recommended this case to House, and she threatened that she’d give it to Foreman instead, but oops, House tells her he was fired. The old dude brings the files in to the class, because remember, he’s House’s bitch. Cut throat says something, and House commends 13 (cute woman) for getting back in the game quickly. You know who wouldn’t do that? A certain black doctor who just got fired from New York Mercy. And his name rhymes with Foreman. It’s Foreman! Did you see what I did there?

Cute woman tells House that cut throat said that, and he tells her that it was the worst 13 impression he’s ever heard. He likes cute woman and he hates cut throat. I’m glad because I also do not like cut throat, but I could see House keeping both of them. I might also add that cut throat’s legs are looking amazing this week. Don’t act like you didn’t notice.

It comes out that old dude isn’t the real doctor of the group. House just throws it out like it isn’t a big deal, and he obviously doesn’t care, so no one else should. Easier said than done for creepy doctor though. Regardless, the minority doctors all go to check out the funeral home while the young white doctors all run tests.

Cameron is still trying to appeal to House’s human side for calling black doctor something similar to “black doctor,” so House bets her a c-note that black doctor won’t kick his ass. Meanwhile, cut throat and creepy run a test and complain the entire time about House liking cute woman and creepy wanting to quit. Either shit or get off the pot declares cut throat. And guess who decides to get off the pot. (And hopefully stops talking about shitting. Seriously.)

Now Foreman, fresh off getting fired, is on job interviews! This should go well. In his first interview, they talk about House a lot. They then talk about Foreman getting fired from his last job. The dude interviewing Foreman hassles him about going against the orders of his superior, despite the fact that his decision saved a life. “Apparently you didn’t leave House soon enough,” he says. Fuck you too, dick.

Do you have a hair net?

Black doctor is giving his theory of what is wrong to House, and House calls him an idiot. In fact, he wants old dude, his Bosley, to call black doctor an idiot. He does it a lot, trying to get a raise out of black doctor. Doesn’t really work though, so what’s House’s conclusion? Dig up a dead body the lady just worked on. I didn’t pay attention to the reason that they’re doing it, but they’re doing it, so I assume they do have one. Black doctor says he can’t do it though. Why? He’s got oatmeal on his pants, and we all know that you can’t mix oatmeal and grave dirt without stirring up some evil spirits. Oh, also, I guess the oatmeal comes from his kid, whom he has to get home to take care of because he’s a single father.

Cut throat goes to talk to Cuddy, and Cuddy expects her to do some sort of cut throaty move. But instead, she just wants to blatantly kiss Cuddy’s ass. Metaphorically though, unfortunately. She’s volunteering for clinic duty. But why doesn’t she want to dig up a dead body? She should be all over that. Now I’m thinking that she doesn’t really want to do any dirty work. Cuddy tells her to get lost, and she shows up late to the grave everyone is digging up. She harasses cute woman a little bit, because she’s a bitch, but she doesn’t get any real answers I don’t think.

No, I didn’t lose weight! It’s Spanx!

The next morning, Cuddy confronts House about a muddy doctor’s lounge. Sounds like a personal problem! (Rimshot.) House explains the mud was just a replacement for jello when needed to settle a disagreement between the two female doctors. Ok, but what were the pick axes for? House explains what they did, and Cuddy is cool with it, but she wants to know the results. Seriously? His boss is ok with him sending out people to dig up a body, and she dresses hotly? I need to work there. Or I need a boss like that. As Cuddy walks away, House says he doesn’t really think there’s a bad choice in this group. I hope some bad choices arise quickly though. And just to recap: black doctor has a kid, cut throat wanted to ditch out on digging up the body, boring guy hasn’t done anything (Kal hasn’t done much either) and creepy refused to do any digging.

Well, let’s take care of that. House delegates creepy to clean up the shower area. It turns out the test was negative, so did they bury up the dead body for nothing? The answer is of course not! Digging up bodies are never for nothing!

They tell the patient she doesn’t have what they thought she might. She wants to be let out, and she says her mother could drive her home. Funny story: none of the doctors can see her mother in the room. And suddenly this girl started looking a lot more like Haley Joel Osment to me.

Labs were clear, so Bosley (switching from old dude to Bosley; easier to type) suggests delusions, not hallucinations. He’s making the other doctors (except for woman doctor) look like giant piles of dog shit. If that dog shit was still a highly qualified doctor. House orders them to do all of the hereditary tests that fit the symptoms.

Cut throat tries to pry where House couldn’t into cute woman’s life. Meanwhile the crazy lady continues to talk to her dead mom. The two doctors mention the dead guy from the last episode, and apparently he’s been talking to this girl too.

Foreman is having lunch with Cuddy, but he refuses to admit he needs a job. And that he’s unemployable. Cuddy offers him a job and says she’ll pay him well, and it’s her decision, not House’s. But guess who is still being uppity about being better than House. God Foreman is such a bitch. As long as House is there, Foreman says he doesn’t want the job.

The team all reports to House that crazy chick is seeing the wheelchair guy. House tells them to keep running tests and stop wasting his time, and then he begins to tear into black doctor. Ok, I’m not a huge fan of black doctor or anything, but House is just laying into him. It’s ruthless. I’m hoping black doctor will fight back, and not just quit like a certain other black doctor who was a bitch. And that doctor’s name starts with F and rhymes with “His name is Foreman. Foreman is a bitch.”

Bosley is bringing the heat this week. He makes a suggestion that they should ask the dead mom how she died. House loves it. Creepy doctor then bitches about Bosley and House’s relationship or whatever, and Bosley insults creepy. Then on his way out, Bosley ‘scratches his nose’ with his middle finger. I’m really growing to like Bosley now, and especially if he keeps acting more like House.

Lunch time!

House walks in to crazy chick’s room, and she sees an old man behind him who apparently looks kind of like House. House brushes it off with a joke, but then old man says his name is Walter. House walks out, into Wilson’s office, and doesn’t say a word. He must be really creeped out. Except he doesn’t have a grandpa Walter, so he’s just pretending to be spooked so he can talk to crazy chick’s ghost mother. After talking through his plan with Wilson, House returns to crazy chick’s room.

Would you happen to know where I left my keys?

House then begins his interrogation of ghost mother. She wasn’t in pain before she died, but she fell down a lot. And she was hunched over and her hands shivered but she wasn’t cold. House then walks out and into the classroom where he tells them it’s Parkinson’s.

Cameron comes up to black doctor, and she’s doing her part to win the bet. She tells him he needs to win House’s respect, to which he replies he doesn’t need House’s respect. Then she says if he wants the job, he’s going to need House’s respect.

Kal is trying to give a shot to crazy chick, but she’s struggling and she doesn’t want it. Cute woman is in there too, and she can’t hold crazy chick down, so she tells Kal she’ll give the shot. Suddenly the needle is about 5 times bigger and cute woman looks evil, and she jams the needle into crazy chick’s arm. As the blood starts to flow out, crazy chick wakes up in a cold sweat. Cute woman is there, and she tells her it was just a nightmare, but crazy chick says her arm is bleeding. Cute woman says no, but as she looks down she sees what appear to be marks from where Kal failed to give her the shot in her dream/delusion. Imagine that. Stigmata entirely localized on her forearm.

Too bad there’s not a lot of work for forearm models.

Now the doctors are in House’s office and Parkinson’s doesn’t explain the lesions (stigmata). Creepy doctor and Bosley get into an argument and Bosley is just dropping knowledge all over creepy’s ass. House agrees with Bosley, but orders a test to get creepy to stop bitching as well. Then he asks if he’s humiliatied black doctor (he calls him Big Love) in the last half hour, and tells him to check his email.

In the cafeteria Cameron comes up and hassles House about black doctor. House asks what her motivation behind this is, since she doesn’t care about the hundo in the bet. House says she can’t stop controlling him, which seems like an odd statement since no one controls House. Cameron notices as much, but House tells her that she can’t have her old job back (even though she says she doesn’t want it).

Another job interview for Foreman. Let me guess: he won’t get it. The interviewer is impressed with House’s knowledge, and then he gets to Foreman’s most recent job. This guy agrees with Foreman’s tactic (and dislikes the supervisor) so he’s really interested. However, he doesn’t have the balls to hire Foreman after that fiasco, so, surprise! Foreman doesn’t get the job.

Cute woman and cut throat are administering a retinal test to crazy chick, and she’s bitching that they don’t know what they’re doing because they killed that guy’s dog. Cute woman walks away for a second, and cut throat is trying to get her riled up about it. Suddenly cute woman sees a dog collar in the lab, which seemingly came from nowhere. As cut throat is being a bitch, crazy chick says she’s getting sicker and pukes up blood. Afterwards she looks incredibly similar to a vampire. Happy Halloween from the crew at House!

For crying out loud, take some Vitamin B. You look like hell.

Chase is performing some sort of surgery, and black doctor is helping. He’s also asking Chase about dealing with House. Chase doesn’t tell him anything, and somehow they discover that crazy chick is dying “from the inside out.”

Back in House’s office, Bosley and creepy are arguing over who is right and not caring about the patient. House loves it, so cut throat volunteers that she hates cute woman. She’s just sucking up though. Black doctor and boring guy give crazy chick whatever test House wanted, and Black doctor then begins saying a prayer into her ear. And I think we all know that this is the international symbol for grab my dick. So she starts reaching for it, saying she needs “to touch it.” Is it just me or was that scene incredibly erotic? Um, I mean, uh, disturbing. Yeah, disturbing.

The doctor group all comes into House’s office and says they couldn’t finish the test because she was groping black doctor. This starts a discussion about the bases. Is grabbing dick second or third base? Sidenote, I had a similar conversation on Tuesday night about the base system, regarding the Save Second Base slogan. We know what first base is, and we know what home is, but second and third seem pretty objective. Are we alone here?

Um, anyways, following that discussion, House decides that now is the perfect time to harass black doctor some more. He can’t take it though, and he punches House. Now is it just me, or did House seem like he was intentionally pushing black doctor farther than he needed just so he would lose the bet and/or gain respect for black doctor? Regardless, the conversation convinces cut throat that she knows what’s wrong. Crazy chick eats organic food, and the organic bread was moldy. And it contains a chemical used in making LSD. It also explains why she’s been asking for milk, because milk counteracts the effects. It’s also common for cravings to develop when required. Maybe I’m wrong about House, because he asks black doctor if he’s ok with a diagnosis involving evolution, and he seems pretty damn pissed.

Cut throat and cute woman tell crazy chick what’s wrong, that she’s basically just been tripping on LSD. Then there’s some sort of heart-felt goodbye scene with her dead mother if you’re into feelings and whatnot.

So at the end of the day, one doctor needs to go home. House has a rose ceremony, except they’re peonies. Black doctor gets the first one. Then House looks around for a while and his eyes settle on cut throat. She’s pissed to go home, but oops, she gets a flower. Boring doctor who did nothing gets one (yawn), as does Kal. Creepy doctor thinks he’s going home, but no, it’s Bosley’s time. It’s too bad too, because I loathe creepy doctor and boring doctor.

I’d kiss ya goodbye, but kissing got me into this mess. Get out, you old bastard!

House gives Cameron her $100, and asks who she’ll protect next. She refuses to divulge that information because it wouldn’t work if she did. Then we see Foreman mosey on in to Cuddy’s office. Guess who still needs a job. Excuse me, he’s “rethought some things.” Mainly he’s thought about how he’s unemployable. But he’s willing to come back on a number of conditions. He wants the raise Cuddy promised plus 5%, his own office, and his own personal assistant. Cuddy says those things aren’t unreasonable, but he’s getting shit. Cuddy then says he can come back at his original salary, and she calls him out on getting black-balled. The good news is, she’s not going to act like she’s doing Foreman a favor, which she absolutely is.

The episode ends with Foreman saying he can start Monday. And finally! He says it with humility. I really don’t want to hate Foreman, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t continually think he’s better than House. Even the last guy he interviewed with was afraid to touch him, but look at the doctor that he’s become thanks to House. And, it looks like we’ll get to see a lot more of that for the rest of this season.

So what did you think of the episode? Glad to see Foreman back? Did you like Bosley as much as I did? Are Cameron and Chase going to continue to play similar roles to House for the rest of the season? And when will House finally narrow it down to his own team?