Goldfingers

I love how House always tackles controversial issues. It’s like the very special episode of Diff’rent Strokes with Nancy Reagan only EVERY week! And who wouldn’t want that? Well this week it doesn’t so much tackle a controversial issue as graze by it briefly. The issue I am talking about is of course rape. Not real rape of course, but the fake play rape that couples engage in to “spice things up”. And what spices up things more than brutal sexual assault? I means seriously, dressing up as a Vulcan for the mating ritual known as the Pon Farr just not spicy enough for you? Trust me it’s much sexier than it sounds. An in case you’re wondering, The whole “Leia slave girl outfit” is so over.The show opens up on our couples rape fantasy. And not since the maggots from a few weeks ago have I been this uncomfortable watching House. They better reward me with an especially revealing Cuddy boob shot later on. Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for us, the session is cut short when the husband in mid fake rape collapses and stops breathing. From there we cut right to the House opening credits, which I’ve always maintained are the coolest on TV. Especially with that slamming Massive Attack song “Teardrop” playing. Yeah, Its true, I’m a bit of a House nerd. Another interesting fact is the “hospital” they keep showing the exterior shots of is actually the Frist Campus Center at Princeton University. Named after the Republican Majority Leader (well, his family at least). Here, I even Google mapped it for you. Wow, I need help.

When “Jaun the pool boy” just isn’t working anymore

Next we see House waking up to the sounds of Wilson getting ready for work. Ever since Wilson’s wife left him he has been staying with House. It’s Odd Couple only Oscar isn’t lovable and is addicted to Vicadin. House tells him that this arrangement isn’t going to work. He wants him to move out, even though he’s been there only a day. THis forces Wilson to do the walk of shame to work we all know so well from College.

At the hospital we see the House crew trying to diagnose the patient. Not only are the couple into rape fantasies, but apparently the wife lets him have the occasional 3 way. Then Cameron pipes in and says that the occasional 3 way can be good for a marriage. But this is also the Cameron that got wasted on crystal meth and banged the sleazy Chase. She is even convinced that they are actually happily married. House bets her twenty bucks that they aren’t and she takes the bet. Another interesting thing to note is that House has managed from the time he woke up to the time he got into work to have his stubble shortened. OK, im sure its just a continuity error, but please, he obviously must shave, isn’t it just kind of annoying that he ALWAYS has stubble when we see him? But I am getting ahead of myself again. House tells them to test his lungs instead o his throat, which is where everyone else was looking. If he’s having breathing trouble it could come from there.

At the walk in clinic House is treating a man with, you guessed it, herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. You never forget your first outbreak do you? I guess we’ve got ourselves a theme this week. Why it can’t be “supermodels who need breast implants” I don’t know. So far the only supermodel patient they’ve had on the show turned out to be a dude, so I wouldn’t hold my breath. The man protests saying its impossible since he’s been married for years. House then gives him a prescription for Valtrex for him, his wife and his kids karate instructor (one of them had to spread it). As to why I know that Valtrex is the medication used for herpes, its because my sister in law is in pharmaceutical sales. I’m as clean as a whistle. I swear.

At the high tech lung thingamajig testing station Cameron decides to start asking the wife probing questions about their freaky sex life. Instead of an inteersting talk about things like different kinds of lube and what setting is best for their sybian, we instead get a lot of talk about why marriages fail. Add on top of that this touchy feely talk is coming from the meth head and the girl who likes to pretend to get raped. I start to tune out.

House is of course right as the tests show lung scarring, but they don’t know what is causing it. It’s almost as if someone raped..his lungs. When House says they wait and see what happens next to help them figure out what it is their beepers all go of in unison, telling us that that time is now. The patient is breaking out in huge itchy blotches all over his chest. So now we have another symptom to go on. What causes lung scarring and blotchy itchy rashes? The conversation continues onto the men’s room as House takes a leak. In the middle of the conversation he looks down at the rust on the urinal pies and has his “Eureka!” moment. Acute heavy metal toxicity! It explains all the symptoms. They can’t however think of how he could have come into contact with high doses of heavy metals. So House sends them to search the house.

When House gets home that night Wilson is still there watching TV. After some bitching by House, Wilson says he doesn’t have to worry, he found an apartment and will be out of his hair soon enough. Then he has him try his dinner, a stuffed pepper. So Wilson can cook. Maybe he’s not so useless after all. Other than the whole “House’s conscience” role he plays. As House grabs the remote from him Wlilson asks why he has his TiVo recording an entire season of New Yankee Workshop. “A complete moron working with power tools. How much more suspenseful can you get” House says. The other things on Houses Season pass? The O.C. and Spongebob. Imagine if he taped Veronica Mars too, which is on opposite House? Does that mean that He never sees his own show? Or since that show probably doesn’t exist in House’s world, what exactly airs on FOX on Tuesdays nights at 9 in Houseworld? These questions keep me up at night.

At the patients apartment they aren’t having much luck until Foreman notices some ants. Could ants in the pants be the answer to our problem? No, House says when they tell him about it. They are the wrong kind. House is still convinced that it’s heavy metals. He says to start treating him for lead poisoning, the most common heavy metal. And them test him for Metallica and Judas Priest poisoning as well. Get it? Heavy metal? Man, I am one funny dude.

When Chase is administering the treatment the patient then shows yet another symptom. Severe pain the lower extremities. And from there things get even worse. He has another breathing episode and they are forced to give him a tracheotomy, which means they cut a hole in his throat and stick a tube in it so he can breathe. On the bright side now that the husband has a hole in his throat it opens up a whole new arena for sex games. Foreman is convinced its lupus, but House is still on his metals kick. But since he has no proof Foreman starts treatment for Lupus.

When House is relaxing in his office Wilson arrives to ye at him for eating all the food hes making for himself. They are then interrupted by Cuddy, wearing a nice pink sweater that alas shows absolutely no cleavage. The herpes patient is complaining that House accused the wife of sleeping around and they are coming in at 5. House then thinks out loud about what one would do if they got herpes. and was married? Would you wait until you’re wife got infected so you could blame her? “or maybe it as the wife…” and then we get another Eureka house moment. He tells Cameron to search the wife. h thinks that she is poisoning him. every other possibility has been eliminated, so its the only answer. Or to quote Sherlock Holmes ‘when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” When Cameron refuses House himself confronts her and accuses her of poisoning her husband. She lets him and he doesn’t find anything but that wont stop him. There is still one place he hasn’t been able to search. Her cooter! When he asks Cuddy for permission to search her cooter she says no. Cuddy is anti cooter searching unless it’s her own.

Things aren’t getting better for Bob as he has cardiac arrest. This convinces Foreman that its still lupus. House tells them to treat him for a viral infection. Since treating him for Lupus lowered him immune system and gave him a post viral reaction.

The interferon isn’t working as his symptoms continue to get worse. But that can wait cuz its time for the herpes family consult. The wife freaks out that she now has herpes, and she demands that they tell them if there is way to figure out who got it first. House then devises a ploy by telling them that you can get it off a toilet seat. When the husband buys this ridiculous reason (you can’t get it from a toilet seat) then he says that that means it must be him. The wife throws her wedding ring on the table and storms out. When House looks down at the wedding ring he has his third and final eureka moment of the episode. He calls Cameron and confirms that she has a family history of arthritis, then he tells her to test him for gold, and make sure she doesn’t go to the bathroom. The man is now obsessed with the actions of her cooter?

House races home (another nice touch, House’s address? 221) and looks for something in his old wooden box and races back to the hospital. He gets there just in time as House stops her as she’s leaving the bathroom stall. He grabs her hands and tells her that when he was a kid his dad was stationed on marine base in Egypt and he learned that stanis chloride turns gold purple. She looks down at her hands and they are…. purple. Gotcha! Oh I love this part. She had been sprinkling his food with gold sodium diamalate, an arthritis medicine used in Mexico where they were recently vacationing. So she was trying to kill her own husband.

So the episode ends as the woman is carted away in handcuffs. When Cameron shows up to give him his twenty bucks, there is one of those slight pauses as there hands touch. So could Cameron finally get her wish of setting up house with House? We’ll see.

And finally as House gets home and eats yet another lunch that Wilson made, he listens to an answering machine message from the man whose renting his apartment. He got a better offer so he needs Wilson to call him soon. House just deletes the message. It seems he likes having him as his roommate. Or at least likes eating his food. I guess that’s just his sensitive” moment of the week from House.

What did everyone else think? What do you dress up for during sex? Any readers out there want to share VD stories?