Ticked Off

One of the things House has going for it is a fantastic array of guest stars. We’ve had people like Dr. Johnny Fever and the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. Heck they’ve even had LL Cool J. It’s like the Love Boat in a hospital and Captain Stubing is a giant prick with a limp. I half expect to see Charo show up next week with hip dysplasia.

This week was no exception of course. The special guest star? The one and only Michelle Trachtenberg, who we all remember as Buffy’s younger sister Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (You are missed). Ahh, who can forget the years we watched her flower from awkward prepubescent teen to flowering jail bait. But Buffy, Zander, Willow and the rest of the Scooby Gang can’t help her this time. It’s up to House to heal her, and act like a jerk while doing it. Another added bonus is this episode sets a new record for me for the amount of sexual euphemisms in one recap. Yeah me!The show opens as they always do with our weekly victim succumbing to their mystery ailment. We start with the boyfriend stopping by sto see his girlfriend Melinda. But the mother won’t let her go into her room until he scrubs down. It seems our girl is in a sterile room for what looks to be a heart transplant. No sooner as the little sterile lovebirds kiss then Melinda then goes into a violent allergic reaction turning her into the dead girl from the movie The Ring.

Over at House’s abode, he is busy being the usual jackass to Wilson. Since last night was Houses night to do dishes he simply hid them in teh sink and took them out in the morning when it was Wilsons day. After wilson bitches about House acting like a tool, he lets him know about the case. An allergic reaction from a girl in a clean room. This is too intriguing a puzzle for House to refuse.

At the hospital, the crew is going over the case. They’ve tested everything and can’t figure out how she got the reaction. House immediately goes to the boyfriend, but has them re-interview everyone to make sure. When Foreman is chewed out by the mother for floating the idea that she could possibly leave the bubble room, it starts making me think we might have a case of Munchausen’s syndrome. But we did that in season one so I doubt it.

At the girls house Chase spots a tree branch right outside her room so they then go grill the boyfriend. He admits that he snuck in and had some unprotected horizontal refreshment. This makes the holier than though Cameron ream him out. This then makes me remind our readers once again that Cameron is also the one who got whacked out on crystal meth and had sex with Chase during an HIV scare. This makes them suspect a semen allergy. Can you imagine a worse fate than being allergic to a mans duck butter?

After the test for an allergic reaction to the boyfriend’s man yogurt proves negative they are back to the drawing board. House then takes matters into his own hands and grabs the boyfriend to interrogate him himself. Has he been taking any medication? He admits to taking penicillin. House then tells her that Melinda is allergic to penicillin, so his love liquor was in fact killing her. Just when we think all is solved (silly people, don’t they realize it’s only 15 minutes in?) Melinda has another reaction. But its not allergies, it’s her heart.

Now they have 2 puzzle pieces. Anaphylactic shock and congestive heart failure. What ties both those conditions together? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Well they decide to do a full CT scan to check out her heart. And it’s clean. No signs of coronary disease. But they still don’t know what’s causing it. When Michelle then asks how long she will keep her heart, Foreman dodges the question, but Melinda knows that she only has 10 years left with that heart. She checked it online. Yeah, big msitake. Never diagnose over the internet. I once had a swollen gland and for a week was convinced I had elephantitis.

Back at House’s residence Wilson is coming home after a long day of doctorin’ but sees that House has put his stethoscope on the doorknob meaning he is having sex. So Wilson then waits outside for hours until House lets him back in. And of course this being House, he didn’t have a girl with him he was just nerking his throbber. When Wilson asks why it took him hours to paddle his pickle, House just says he needs “lots of foreplay”. House is a bad roommate. And Wilson is a spineless roommate so its makes for a perfect pair.

Back in the hospital they still don’t know what caused the heart failure or the allergic reaction. But that’s the least of their worries. The patient is gone. Foremen then thinks she might be going outside for some air so he checks the stairwell. When he finds her there she is sitting their in a depressed funk. She can’t stand her mother’s over protectiveness. She was like this before and her illnesses have just given her an excuse to do what she always wanted to do. When Foremen finally convince her to come downstairs with him he notices she is limping. Now they have another symptom. She has ascending paralysis.

Cameron’s says it may be tick paralysis, but they haven’t found a tick after 2 full workups. They decide to focus in the cause of the paralysis. They do more tests, including a lumbar puncture which is probably as painful as it sounds. The paralysis is also getting worse. They think its some weird disease that I can’t spell that makes her blood attack her. The treatment for it takes a couple of days so its time to play the waiting game.

Back at house’s domicile Wilson is mad because he found out that House deleted all the messages from the apartment he was going to get. House’s excuse is that he is just having some fun. He likes to be a college prankster. He also tells Wilson that he’s not going to leave because he can’t admit its over with his wife. He hasn’t gotten a lawyer because until he does he can still pretend it’s a fight and not a divorce.

At the hospital the treatment isn’t working. Melinda is getting more depressed and refuses to see even her boyfriend. The mother tells Foreman that her daughter has given up. Then she has yet another crash episode. She cant breathe. She’s psionatic so they have to intibate her. Foreman says the paralysis has reached her lungs.

House now thinks that it might be botchulism. Since the boyfriend admitted to the sex he may also have brought her in some food. So House says they need to inject a rat with her blood and wait to see if it gets botchulism. I did the same thing with my 12th grade chemistry set. Except it wasn’t so much a rat as a hobo. Oh man did he scream.

House then goes to confront Melinda while she is about to get another CT scan. He pulls the tube out of her throat and grills her about any foods she might have been eating. This is all done right in front of the family which of course causes them to freak out. When House mentions that her boyfriend Danny was taking penicillin and that’s what caused her anapyhylcaswhatchamahoozit, Melinda says that it wasn’t penicillin. She saw the bottle and it was a non penicillin antibiotic. This means that the anapyhylcasthingamabob still hasn’t been accounted for. Time for some speed diagnosis. Ticks! House asks if Danny ran through any tall grass. She says he jumped a fence. House is now convince that it is now a tick. As he searches she goes into heart failure again. They need to treat her heart, but House insists they find the tick first. When they are about to move her into surgery, Wilson then covers for him an says that she has to get to the ICU, thus giving House his opening. When they get to the elevator he cuts them off and after the door closes he stops the elevator. The tick is there somewhere and he is going to find it. Foreman injects her with another dose of anafropine which gives them only 3 minutes to find it. House searches all over but he cant see anything. Then he has a eureka moment! It’s not on her its in her! As in, inside her cooter! House then frantically searches her honey pot for the tick as the elevator doors open and her parents are their to witness the whole sordid affair. When the dad sees house fumbling around his underage daughter’s tuna taco he lunges at him thinking he is a lecherous scumbag. Well, he is, but not this time and House jumps up and shows everyone that he has the tick! It was hiding in her cabbage patch after all!

That’s gross on so many levels

Now that they have the tick it means that she will be fine in a day. As the victorious House leaves the hospital with Wilson he takes a huge pratfall as his cane breaks in half. It seems that Wilson is now getting into the frat house spirit like House wanted.

The next day the girl is fine. She is going to be released and her mom even says it’s OK for her to go to school again. Back at Houses dwelling Wilson tells him that he finally called a divorce lawyer. He is finally ready to move on. But hopefully he’ll still be at Houses quarters for while for some more wacky antics.