House: Freezer Burn

I can’t lie; I haven’t been watching House, mostly because of those whiney interns of his. I heard delicious rumors he had relieved himself of most of them and was pleased to have stepped in on this recap. As if House didn’t have a hideous bedside manner in person, he’s now practicing medicine via videoconferencing. And he’s hot for Mira Sorvino. But then again, who isn’t?

Rebel Leaders, watch out for Snow Walkers!

This episode of House opens on the ice planet of Hoth. Luke Skywalker is fixing windmills…wait a minute! That’s earth. Booooring. Anyway, this guy sucks at fixing windmills, because one of them shears off and flies straight towards him, although if you paid careful attention it was twisting away from him so when it hit the ground, I think it would have flown in the opposite direction. But I digress with mere details.
One of the pieces of the metal hits the guy in the leg and blood squirts everywhere. Cool! You can totally see the red all over the snow as he cries like a baby and calls for help. At least it didn’t tear his leg completely off, although I guess being in a freezing place makes it easier to put the limb on ice until a surgeon can get to it.

A woman comes running towards him, sort of like Baywatch but in snow, and with less bounce. Blame the parka. He says, “It’s not bleeding,” and she says, “That’s because the blood freezes as it hits the air.” Blood cubes! Perfect for the vampire in your life. He’s cut his femoral artery, so isn’t it good it stopped bleeding? Because, you know? Death?

Back inside they both take off their ski masks so we can see how hot they are, and the woman turns out to be none other than Mighty Aphrodite’s Mira Sorvino. She says she has to fix his artery right now, in the hallway from Hoth to the indoors. Uh, methinks you may need a SURGEON for this, not a ketchup squirt bottle of some liquid. She actually glues his artery shut – hope she used Gorilla Glue, that stuff works like a charm on anything! Then she has him duct tape his leg. Is there anything duct tape can’t fix? I need a tummy tuck – wait, I’ll just duct tape flat abs!

Is there anything duct tape can’t fix?

“I thought I was done,” the guy says.

“Yeah, like I’d let anything happen to you. You are the only one who can fix the generators.” And not that well, apparently. I have a feeling she’s going to spend the next couple of months slicing open Tauntauns to keep warm. She tries to help him stand up then she gasps, falls over, and barfs up some radioactive waste. Rolling around, she says “I need help.” Good catch, Nancy Drew.

“Who am I supposed to get?” Oh crap, is she the only doctor there? Who will squirt the glue next time? And…scene.

House is in a patient’s room flipping channels when Cuddy walks in wondering why she ever gave him an office. Or a job, I’m guessing. Her entire legal team wonders the same thing each week. Handing him a file, she says, “New case. Psych Department asked for you personally.” It’s like my sales team tracking me down.

“The patient’s a crazy person?” You wish.

“You’re a crazy person.” Awesome comeback, thanks writer’s strike.

“The patient’s a psychiatrist.” Wait. A shrink who knows how to glue a femoral artery? I mean, I know they go to medical school, but that’s pretty specific almost-surgery. Or is she the MacGyver of shrinks? Putting psyches back together with paperclips and tube socks? Man, that would have saved me a ton of money on therapy!

House whines that he cannot get cable. That’s why I switched to satellite! Cuddy informs House that the budget committee voted to charge people for cable. Nothing like kicking people when they are down. Hope they can afford a staff full of new nurses, because patients are going to become huge beyotches without cable, my friends. Cuddy blabbers on about the patient and finally catches House’s ear.

“The patient is trapped at the South Pole.” Yes, finally a patient House can get behind – one that’s not actually at the hospital!

Now, I have to admit I tried to watch House at the beginning of the season, but got tired of the whittling down of interns. I am, however, pleased to see he kept Kumar of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, a movie I will never admit I liked let alone watched, but it was hilarious nonetheless, unless my boss is reading this and in that case I swear on my Mensa membership I NEVER SAW IT. Heh.

Kumar, as he shall forever be known, is joined by Thirteen, who is a pretty in a model-turned-doctor way, but less irritating Cameron, and token Jewish guy Taub (Taubman?) who clearly couldn’t get a better internship and whose mother is probably very disappointed in him. This Benetton ad of interns is perfect for culturally sensitive House.

Benetton White Lab Coats: The Must-Have Accessory of the Spring Season!

“Any possibility of evacuating her?” Thirteen asks. Geez Louise, am I the only one who watches the news and knows there is a small window of time to get people in and out of the South Pole? Well, she was probably in medical school while I was sitting on the sofa eating Corn Pops and drinking Yoo-Hoo, so I should probably cut her some slack on current events. And they don’t have a surgeon/doctor at that station because why now?

“That wouldn’t be any fun,” House responds. His new kids start ticking off problems: gallstone, appendicitis, kidney stones (come on lupus!). House pooh-poohs them all because they are too easy and “boring,” and because none of those require his trademark skill, taking a patient to death’s door and bringing them back right before the DVR kicks off.

Kumar says, “Could be a Strumvite kidney stone.” I doubt something that hangs from cave ceilings is the problem, moron. Or is the one that develops upwards from the cave floor a Strumvite? You know, I can never remember which one is which.

Foreman puts on his hissy-pants face and asks why Kumar would have said that instead of just a regular kidney stone. “Because House said they were boring.” Finally, an intern that admittedly sucks up.

“She’s on birth control,” says Taub. “A lot of sex could lead to a urinary tract infection which could lead to Strumvite kidney stones.” Wow, thank goodness celibacy has been thrust upon me. Ahem.

“Excessive Antarctic drilling,” House muses. “Bad for the environment, and the ladies.” Oh House, you sound like you are announcing ladies skate.

House then tosses a box of supplies and medications onto the table, showing them what the South Pole has to offer their patient. The box is about as big as the one I used to keep my fancy boots in. Seems like they should have packed a little better, seeing how they were going to the end of the earth. And they should have packed fancy boots.

Taub says, “Nothing here that could break up a kidney stone.” I bet one of the Rolling Stones could. Oh wait, no, that’s a marriage. Yes, a box full of Hello Kitty band-aids does seem to spell doom for South Pole Shrink.

“What else do they have down there?” Kumar asks, meaning testing equipment, lab tools, long johns, longer johns. “Some geological equipment breaks up rocks and ice the way you’d break up kidney stones….Discovery Channel….I like watching them blow things up.”

“Who doesn’t?” House says in unison with me. No seriously, I said the same thing out loud. I wonder if he’s on eHarmony? “That reminds me, coma guy needs cable.” Ironically, my cable has made me coma gal. They should do a show on me. Except you know that instead of just turning off my TV, they’d diagnose me with lupus.

Walking down a corridor, House says “Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive,” to a now blonde and completely-washed-out-because-of-it Cameron. I guess when she dumped the Aussie in real life, she kept custody of his hair. House found out Cameron is on the Budget Committee at the hospital. Funny, I would have expected her to be a thorn in the side of the Ethics Committee or Pain & Suffering Committee.

“Charging patients for cable is bringing in $13,000 a month,” she tells House. The hell you say! I’m going to start renting out the DVR to the neighbors. Now there’s privatization of health care right there. And bringing together healthcare with the cable people is bound to be good for us!

“Until this injustice is righted, I’m going to waste $13,000 a day,” House whines, childishly throwing tongue depressors everywhere. Cameron is working on a patient who is now wishing he went to county instead. No you don’t dude, they would just pick the depressors up from the floor and use them as if nothing had happened.

Oh, really mature, House

House then begins snapping latex gloves and throwing them around. Seriously, have you ever noticed every company has that one nudge that just seems to ruin it for everyone else? Why does every company have that one person who just can’t seem to get fired no matter how large a jerk they are?

“You’ll have to survive on broadcast networks alone,” Cameron says.

“I’m fine on Tuesdays,” House responds. Good one. You know, because House is on Tuesday nights. Kudos to you House, for plugging House while on House.

Back to the real patient, Dr. Mira, Kumar is explaining how they are going to try to break up the kidney stone. “If sound waves from the Flaw Detector safely break the egg, it should dissolve your kidney stone.” No seriously, my closed captioning said Flaw Detector. I never thought of using one of those, but I would totally keep one with me for Saturday nights at the bars to avoid any confusion/wasted time. You know, right next to my taser (see “celibacy” next to “Dear Crabby and”).

They stare at the screen and about 20 feet from the web cam is Dr. Mira. Come closer, Clarice, it’s hard to see you that far away. Femoral artery guy is also there, on crutches. Wow, that is some glue holding that artery together. It seems like damage like that might require surgery which necessitates a surgeon which would negate the need for House, which I guess answers my question as to why they didn’t pack up a doctor with the band-aids.

“This isn’t going to work,” Dr. Mira says. Wah-wah-wahhh. Thanks Debbie Downer.

“There’s no reason it shouldn’t. Sound waves are sound waves, stones are stones,” Kumar replies. Or did he say “Stoned and stoned,” because for him, that would work too. Or maybe “The Stones are stoned.” They both work!

“Some are bigger than others. Some are inside me.” Sounds like the beginning of a Hustler letter.

House enters and asks, “How’s it going Team MacGyver?” Hey, just because the writer’s are on strike is no reason to steal my jokes.

“Are you Dr. House? I was wondering when you might drop by,” Dr. Mira says coming closer.

“Think Jagger shows up for the sound check?” No, you know why? He’s stoned. Read the recap!

He tells the kids to go bug Cameron until she makes a mistake in the ER and he can use it against her to get cable. Yes, she holds just that much power in the hospital. She should sue him for harassment and retire on the money the hospital would be only too happy to pay out.

Dr. Mira begins the sound wave test on the egg, which breaks. So there’s no doctor down there, but they have fresh eggs from…the penguins? Seem like Egg Beaters would have been the better way to go. Then the glass breaks. Just like Dr. Mira would if they did the test on her. Uh, next time, turn the machine off when the egg breaks, honey, not when your torso does.

It worked!

D’OH!

“I am not doing this,” she says. And there’s the reason I am not a doctor. Because I would say “Okay fine, sign this waiver,” and I’d leave.

Dr. Mira says their kidney stone theory hinges on her having had sex, then through some playful banter reveals to House she likes to be on top. I think you are allowed to keep that kind of stuff from your doctor unless you are having knee problems, right? She says she’s there to do a psychological study of people, so it would not be wise to “swap fluid” with her “subjects.” Klassy with a K, this one. Also, this seems kind of ironic if you’ve seen the show and know what happens with her fluids.

House argues with Dr. Mira for what I’m guessing is probably $79 a minute in video conferencing cost about who is a real doctor and who’s in charge of who’s body, blah, blah, blah sexual tension. Oh, I blah-blah-blahed it, you read correctly.

“Are you able to run a Chem 7?” House asks her. I love Chem 7, so much luckier than Chem 13. “That will be able to tell us if her kidneys are declining.” So perhaps you should have run that test first instead of wasting an egg? Good doctoring, House. Per usual.

While they are waiting for her to complete the tests, he tells her to run an IV of some kind of fake-sounding antibiotic so her kidneys don’t fail. She says “Seacrest out,” and clicks off the conference. Okay, she doesn’t really say that, but that would have been another nice Fox show plug, huh?

“Great psychiatrist…one session and I have shrinkage.” That’s right House, blame your small shoe size on Dr. Mira. Clearly, you wuv her!

The kids go to Cameron and squeal like stuck pigs about House’s plan, mostly because they want to give her a head’s up and because they are lazy and don’t want to stalk her. Wait until you get to know her, then you’ll definitely want to find a way to take her down. They tell her they can either piss off House or her, and she’s the lesser of two evils. And of two doctors.

Are you saying you don’t like my ex-boyfriend’s hair on my head?

“Accommodating House’s every whim is not my job anymore.” Before it was just your lurid fantasy, Cameron, and you are still 0-1.

“House will get what he wants,” Kumar glowers. Nicely done.

“Maybe we should just pay for it ourselves,” he says. Way to hold your ground Braveheart. “Tell him she folded.” Cameron will have none of that because she doesn’t know when to fold ‘em. “NO,” she says. She’ll have to spend tonight coming up with a better plan.

Back to our patient, House tells Dr. Mira, “Your kidney function is declining…sounds like a kidney stone to me.”

“The decreased function could be caused by dehydration caused by vomiting caused by the dog that ate the cat that ate the mouse that ate the fly…” Dr. Mira, get off Web MD already. She says the results of the tests are up for interpretation. Maybe she should have a doctor interpret the results – oh, wait. That’s what’s happening. Although I appreciate her taking charge of her medical condition, she seems unusually argumentative. Again, this is why I’d be playing golf instead of tending to her.

Foreman asks if she noticed any change since starting her IV. She say the pain is about the same, and House notices she does not have an IV in her arm. Easy to do, since she’s ON CAMERA. Screw the generators; she can keep warm with her pants on fire, liar, liar!

“We have a limited supply of medication and I am not about to waste it.” Okay, I don’t think using meds when you are sick is wasting it, although this theory might make more sense if “meds” were “beer” and you stuck on a deserted island. That beer will only stay cold for a few hours, people.

“Last I checked, you had a limited supply of doctors.” Checkmate, House. Dr. Mira does the song and dance about one of the crew members getting his – say it with me now – femoral artery cut, and he needs it more than she does. Although clearly in the last transmission, he wasn’t hooked up to an IV either, so who the hell really needs the meds?

While she’s arguing her point, she begins breathing hard because she’s “pissed off.” But on further inspection, her wind pipe is cantering to the left, which…gross! Her right lung is collapsing and the windpipe is making a run for the border to the left lung. She needs to open it with a syringe. Fun times.

House yells, “I need you to stab yourself on the right side between the second and third rib, in the mid-clavicual line.” Say-what-now-huh? Two things here: One, I would be found dead with a bunch of holes in my chest where I tried to do that and Two, how does everyone in the movies know how to Pulp-Fiction themselves back to life? Honestly, you’d see me puncture myself over and over – poink “Nope,” poink “Nope,” poink “Oh, dammit….”

Steady….steady…

First try, she slams it into her chest and lung without puncturing any saline, although that would have been hilarious to see Old Faithful erupting from her chest. “See all the good stuff that happens when you listen to me?” House says.

“Means it wasn’t a kidney stone,” she smarts back. God, she’d be insufferable to be married to.

Intermission….I love this musical montage of House slamming Vicodin down like sweet tarts every chance he gets. Reminds me of how I scarf down Aleve after giving the dogs a bath, just less rehab needed at the end.

“Right side pain, vomiting, now a lung that gets traumatized without any real trauma. Sounds odd,” House recaps. Foreman and House begin their typical foreplay discussion before Dr. Mira pulls down her oxygen mask and argues that both she and House were wrong. Way to use your last breath, saying “I told you so.”

Then they rule out TB. How arbitrary was that? Did she step on a nail we don’t know about? Talk about odd.

Foreman puts her on mute and says all of her symptoms could be cancer. Laugh, now, or she’ll think something is wrong! “And you’re worried the tumor might overhear, realize we’re on to it?” House asks about the mute button. Maybe. Those things are bastards! Foreman says that a cancer diagnosis is hard to hear – they should bring Wilson in. I hope they mean the volleyball from Cast Away. Much more charisma than Wilson the doctor.

House un-mutes and Dr. Mira says, “Obviously you two think I’m in bad shape.”

“Only if you count the tumor!” Isn’t that punchline to and Irish Pope joke?

“House!” Foreman yells. Oh, you didn’t really think he’d keep that quiet, did you? Have you learned nothing?

Unfortunately, they don’t have any imaging equipment at the South Pole, and they also don’t have a surgeon to do the biopsy, and oncologist to read the slide, or thanks to femoral artery guy, anymore glue!

“I have cancer?” Dr. Mira asks. She must have picked that up from “tumor,” “biopsy,” and “oncologist.” Man, can she read between the lines.

They decide to take an X-ray because that is the only medical equipment they have outside of the residual Hello Kitty band-aids and duct tape. She has to get an X-ray of her entire body and upload the images for House and Foreman to look at. Make sure to X-ray everything, Dr. Mira.

Wilson is reviewing Dr. Mira’s X-rays while House complains about how irritating she is for saving the antibiotics for someone who might really need them. “She cares for other people,” Wilson scoffs. “What a poser.” Yes, just like you were a couple of seasons ago when you prayed on one of your cancer patients and moved in with her at her most vulnerable, you tool. Glass/Houses/Rocks, dude.

“Enlarged mediastinal node,” Wilson notes while looking at her X-rays. “Unfortunately she’ll need a surgical team to biopsy it.” Or does she? House recommends finding a node close to the skin she can biopsy. “That makes sense,” Wilson says. Thanks, ONCOLOGIST. Forget Dr. Kevorkian. If you ever want to die, go to this hospital and enlist it’s clueless group of doctors.

Then the whole story starts to derail as House notices Wilson’s lavender shirt and his happy mood. He’s wearing the shirt for someone, and per usual, House is pissed it’s not for him. These two. Does anyone else get tired of House stalking Wilson?

House then gets distracted at the thought of Dr. Mira feeling herself up looking for a protruding node while he watches from thousands of miles away. Wilson and Foreman have to look for some kind of liquid to use as a stain for the biopsied cells.

Later that evening, House makes himself comfortable on his couch while telling Dr. Mira he can thing of 3 reasons why he should watch her perform her own physical/feel-up, and “one of them is medical.” Charmer. You just know Chris Hanson from Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” is waiting in the kitchen.

She asks to see his place first. Because that will make up for the humiliation of having to get naked on camera in front of House. He holds the computer all over the place and she notices the scotch bottle and assumes he has insomnia. Out of everyone at that hospital, I’m guessing House is the one having absolutely no trouble sleeping. He says she’s wrong, it’s Bourbon. Score one for lonely House.

She notices no pictures in his house and assumes he feels that friends and family “aren’t important.” This is why people hate shrinks. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar! He notes there are 20 people at the station but she’s had only one visitor. She says she doesn’t want to panic anyone. Listen, if I’m stuck in the South Pole and the only shrink there has locked herself mysteriously in the medical center, I’m panicked.

“How about if I just get naked and you shut up?” Clooney? Is that you? Oh no – it’s House. Crap.

“If I thought I could get you naked, I would have led with that,” Dr. Mira responds. Enjoy the cold shower, House, you’re gonna need one! “You’d rather show me your soul than your leg.” Ouch, Dr. Mira. House says she’s got him all figured out, and now she’s going to try to “fix him.”

“I never said you needed fixing,” she says in that way all women do right before we try to fix you.

So back to Foreman who still has his undies in a big bunch about House letting Dr. Mira take part in her own differentials. Foreman, good advice I once received: If you don’t like your job, quit, otherwise, shut up. Wilson says House lets her discuss things because he likes her. Oh, and P.S., spaghetti sauce doesn’t work as lymph tissue stain. Well duh, Dick Tracy. Shouldn’t you look for a liquid that is somewhat transparent? Not spaghetti sauce, which would be too thick, much like the oncologists at this hospital. Like I know what the hell I’m talking about. It’s not lupus, dammit!

Foreman tells Wilson that House is “annoyed by her, doesn’t respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her,” and Wilson replies it’s because “that’s House’s version of courtship.” Well, that and talking about lavender shirts. Foreman says if that’s the case, House has been wooing him for years. Careful, don’t make Wilson jealous!

“How long does it take you to get naked?” Okay, raise your hands if you’ve ever heard that before. Dr. Mira wears a lot of layers, because you know, it’s bloody cold in the South Pole She keeps her socks on, though, because no lymph nodes there. I just think she needs a pedicure. She holds the camera on her while she feels her nodes. This has to be on camera? Won’t her arm get tired? Aren’t your hands tired from raising them since the first sentence of this paragraph?

Just another typical night for Gregory House

House is completely true to form and offensive, and asks her to check her breasts, then her ass, then turns on “Let’s Get It On” to get her in the mood. Then he notices a section on her stomach where a lymph node is swollen. Man, those cameras really are clear! And guess who’s doing a biopsy!

Dr. Mira is on a table icing her stomach to turn House on and to numb the area she’s about to put a huge needle into. Are you telling me everyone there is too busy to help with this? She must work with a bunch of sissies. Wilson tells her to guide the needle into the node. “Come on Cate, let’s get this done,” House coaxes. Wilson goes completely apoplectic hearing him call her by her first name. Jealous much?

She takes the biopsy and ouch. Do they not even have Novocain? No topical numbing agent? House says “You okay?” and Wilson strokes out he’s so full of jealousy. Later, in the patented hospital elevator scene, he accosts House with “You slept with her!” followed by “Somehow, you’ve been intimate with her.” Could it be the watching her touch her nodes via web cam?

And here we go with a continuation of House stalking Wilson as House follows him through the lobby. Wilson caves and says, “Okay, the reason I haven’t told you is because – ” and he turns and runs away. Chase after him House – oh wait, you can’t. Good one, Wilson, but I still prefer the volleyball to you.

Way to exploit House’s handicap, you tool!

And back to the cable standoff…”Call off your dogs, House,” Cameron says. Does she still work there? “You think if they make me miserable I’m going to give you cable?” And instead of telling House to go screw himself on getting cable at work, she jeopardizes her career and ability to show any backbone by resigning from the Budget Committee. Why mess up your own career over that? Way to show him, Cameron.

House retaliates by posting a “Free Rottweiler Puppies” sign with Cameron’s phone number and instruction to call after 11pm or before 5am. This is an excellent idea that I will be using against the 4 mortal enemies I have right now. Haha.

“I’d love a new puppy,” House says. “The last one was delicious. So tender.” All of my dogs have suddenly run from the room.

Wilson and Dr. Mira are in the midst of an extra-marital conference session. “So, how long do I let the lymph node marinate in the red wine?” So not enough antibiotics, but plenty of Merlot at the South Pole. They’d better not be using any of my tax dollars for that study grant!

Dr. Mira tells Wilson she’s been checking up on him, and that she’s heard he’s respectable, nice, human, but he’s also House’s BFF. Wilson asks if that makes House nicer than he seems. “Or you’re secretly a lot less nice than you seem.” Much closer to true, Dr. Mira. “Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.” Amen, sister. And boring.

“No wonder he likes you,” Wilson spills the beans. Way to pass her the note during study hall (“Do you like House? Check here for yes, there for no and pass back….hee hee hee.”)

“Based on this slide, you do not have cancer,” Wilson assures her. Maybe it’s worms! South Pole worms! That would be crazy awesome. As she leans back in relief, she grabs her left side and wails. It’s the same pain she had on the right side. Rut-roh. “Ow,” she whines. “I’m screwed.” Well, whatever you do, don’t take any medicine!

“Bad news is, you’re 0 for 2 in the kidney department.” House gives this news to her from his apartment, and pant-free I might add. Lucky Mira. He narrows down the disease to autoimmune based on the kidney issues and inflammation in her cells. She bitches back that autoimmune disease is just his latest theory. I have to admit, I’m with her on this one. We have gone from kidney stones to cancer to autoimmune. This is when my insurance deductible level is reached and I’m screwed until the next calendar year.

She once again one take the Prednisone because one of the crew has asthma and if it’s gone when he has an attack, he’ll die. The crew certainly seems to be a bunch of weenies. How did they pass the physical? She wants proof it’s autoimmune before she does anything else.

In House’s office, Foreman suggest sending her outside in the cold to reduce the inflammation. If she does feel better, then it was an autoimmune problem.

Wilson notices his wallet is missing and finds it on House’s desk. “You didn’t touch the cash, but took the receipts.” Yes, for the credit card numbers, bonehead. Come on now!

Dude, did you take my condom too? I’ve had that since high school!

“$190 restaurant bill,” House notes. Holy crap, really? I have to find myself a doctor and quick! “Includes booze…you probably lingered. That means it must be a third date.” I remember those days. House doesn’t want to send Dr. Mira into the cold, so Wilson holds up a paperclip. Because he’s going to poke House’s eyes out for stealing his wallet?

Dr. Mira is shaking her blood in a test tube with a paperclip to check for autoimmune – they can see how the cells break against the paperclip. Now everyone’s in on the MacGyver! Lucky the South Pole has a Staples store close by. Dr. Mira and House banter back and forth until she says “You’ve spent more time with me than any other patient.” Of course he has, if you irritate him, he can just turn off the video conference. There’s a lot of freedom with that option.

House and Foreman are lunching together when Cuddy arrives to tell them she had to fire Cameron. I’d woo-hoo, but I’m pretty sure we’re being played. Cuddy lays it on a little too thick, boring House and myself. We can only hope she’s gone.

Dr. Mira says it’s not autoimmune (go figure) because the paperclip test says so. House says she should still take the Prednisone. but instead she keeps sucking down oxygen. Leave some for the others! Look, it won’t hurt you to take the antibiotics, screw asthma boy!

Oxygen or Helium? You be the judge

Foreman says, “There is one more test” as House crumples his potato chip bag into the phone and says Foreman must be breaking up. I do the same thing on my phone, but only because the other person CANNOT SEE ME, HOUSE.

“If you have an autoimmune disease, exposure to the cold should decrease your kidney pain.” Foreman advises. She has to stay outside for 5 minutes. As she’s getting dressed, she’s holding up the web can so we can get an excellent shot of her passing out and collapsing onto the floor.

Yes, folks, she’s fallen, and she can’t get up!

Oh good – femoral artery guy is in the camera. It took them 20 minutes to contact the station to let them know she collapsed, and still femoral guy is the only one there. They’ve determined it’s not autoimmune. House is happy she’s in a coma, “or we’d have to listen to her gloat.” And I’m with House on this one.

Wilson’s in the elevator with Foreman and House so they don’t have to pay extras to mill about in the hospital lobby, and so he can bore us with more questions about Wilson’s girlfriend. House figures it has to be someone they both know, otherwise Wilson could have told her his name.

“That narrows it down to Cuddy, your ex-wives…”

“Your MOMMA!” Wilson shoots back and walks off the elevator. Oh no he didn’t. Yes. Yes he did.

Wilson suggests running a kidney function test, except she’s in a coma and can’t run one. If only there was someone else staying with her. Think people, think! And then the horrible happens:

“Drink her urine?” Femoral asks. I stop drinking my beer for a moment.

“If it has a strong concentrated taste, it mean the problem’s in her kidneys. Watery taste means it’s her brain.” Wouldn’t just looking at the color or smelling it be the same? Does it have to involve tasting?

“How do I get the urine out?” Femoral asks. Dude! He’s totally going to do it!

“That’s your only question?” House asks. Amen, House, I would have had way more than that! “Wait a minute…you’re in love with her.” Oh no, love triangle. And one angle is far, far away from the South Pole.

House gets back to berating the kids, telling them they got Cameron fired. Oh, I wish. They know she wasn’t, now they know he knows, and so on until infinity. Basically this was all an exercise to get them to not take his crap. Long way to go for a “teachable moment,” House. Oy.

Chug it! Chug it!

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Femoral is totally drinking the urine! Seriously, he’s downing it like it’s fresh lemonade or something. Sip and spit! What grosses me out more is that he just seems to spit it out all over the place, then doesn’t even rinse out. I would have done it over a sink and immediately had a toothbrush, paste, and mouthwash all going at once. Ick! And I sure as hell wouldn’t do it on camera. You know that’s going to end up on YouTube no matter how much House swears he didn’t record it.

Femoral says it tastes watery, which means it’s a problem with her brain. Foreman guesses it’s increased intracranial pressure or her hypothalamus. What to do, what to do….House knows! Drill a hole in her head to decrease the pressure. Nice. And? It won’t fix the problem, it will just decrease the pressure on her brain to buy them more time. Urine drinking and skull drilling. Who says they don’t know how to have fun in the South?

Femoral freaks out, much less that I would have bet at this point. House promises to not let him “hurt her.” Femoral agrees and gets the drill set up, a little too quickly too if truth be told. He brings the bit down on her temple and I get squeamish and have to hold my hand up to the TV like I do with most medical shows. He can’t seem to get through the skull and Foreman says, “Lean into it.” BLECH! Hello lobotomy, goodbye years of study. Her cracks through (seriously, that was totally gross). She wakes up! It’s a Christmas miracle! Maybe the Hello Kitty band-aids will take her mind off the fact that she has a huge hole in her head. Wonder if he used a regular bit, or a cement bit?

My worst nightmare!

House is back with the kids outside the “patient room” going back and forth about her condition. Kumar thinks it could be non-clot clots, some kind of Fat Emboli. Doesn’t Fat Emboli sound like the newest hip-hop singer on the block? “Have you heard the new one from Fat Emboli? I’m totally downloading that when I get home!” You kids and your music these days.

House dismisses this because it requires an un-repaired bone breakage. “Between the X-ray and exam, I’ve seen her entire – ” Wait a minute, she wasn’t completely naked was she? He should ask for his money back right now!

“Take off her socks!” House says to Femoral, who removes her right sock. Her big toe is broken and the marrow is leaking from her toe into her system causing the blockages all over. She didn’t know her toe was broken because it was so cold, she couldn’t feel it. Which I’m not buying. Have you ever broken a big toe? It’s a big part of your balancing system. She would have known, I think, the first time she went head-first into a wall. And how long had it been since she showered? Or changed socks? Dirty, dirty girl.

Worst pedicure ever!

House tells Femoral to fix her toe, and Dr. Mira asks if he can really do it. House says, “He drilled a hole in your head after drinking your urine.” They don’t make Hallmark cards for that, friends. Femoral pulls her toe, she screams, and now everything is all better. Enjoy the rest of your stay on planet Hoth. Hope the hole in your head doesn’t affect you too much. Maybe you can get it fixed when you get back to the states and to the hospital where you are an adjunct professor, and hook up with House? Nice setup, producers.

I long for House, but hot guy is closer. I’ll just hit it and quit it!

Dr. Mira thanks House and House says, “Don’t thank me, he’s the one who saved your life.” Oh, once he brushes his teeth, she’ll be hitting that hard. House turns off the webcam. “He likes her.” Yes, he does House, yes he does.

Well, we can’t end an episode of House without him stalking Wilson just one more time. Wilson orders a Bordeaux and sparkling water at some restaurant, because women love it when you make decisions for them. House shows up and sits down. Are they together finally? Or does House just have this kind of time on his hands?

Two dates at the same time? Plan better next time, Wilson!

Who shows up but “Cut-throat bitch!” House recognizes her.

“I call her Amber,” Wilson says.

I call her a beard for Wilson and House’s affair!