House: House Of Pain

Hey House peeps! We’re back from winter break with a new episode of House! My fingers (not to mention my ears) are still sore from recapping last week’s American Idol. Maybe House has a cure for me. Anyway, this recap should have come out at least a day sooner, but I totally missed that House moved to Mondays. We’ve waited long enough–let’s get to it, and I promise I’ll try really hard not to get House and Simon mixed up.

A guy is writing a letter. He signs it “I’m sorry”, takes off his wedding ring and drops it on the letter. He grabs his car keys and an armful of clothes out of the closet. So he’s running out on his wife and kid, right? WRONG. Wife and kid come home unexpectedly to retrieve the kid’s forgotten hockey stick. Dad’s sitting in his classic Camaro, pumping his lungs full of fumes. In a span of about three seconds, Supermom dials 911 and gives Dad CPR. He wakes up and says sorry, but he couldn’t take the pain anymore.

Death Cab For Daddy

House is sitting in his bathtub massaging his gimpy leg and chilling after a good performance on Leno last week. (Did you guys catch Band From TV? If not, you can watch here unless it gets some lawyer’s nose all out of joint. It’ll freak you out to watch Hugh Laurie having fun.) So, next morning, he’s off to work where he gives Cuddy a hard time about coming in late because she has a baby now. The baby’s name is Rachel. Does that have some symbolic meaning or am I just all hung up on Lost this week?

[Recappin' it Old Testament style: Rachel was the girl that Jacob worked seven years to marry, but her dad (who was also Jacob's uncle, ewww) stuck him with her older sister Leah instead. Jacob had to work seven more years before Pops caved and gave him Rachel too. Now I don't watch Big Love or anything, but I'm guessing being married to sisters is even worse than being married to two women who aren't related. Anyway, if you can make a connection to House somehow, please enlighten us all and then get over to the Lost forums. They'll need your giant brain.]

Cuddy says she has a DYFS (social services, I guess) visit coming up, so she’s spending extra time at home eating stress ice cream getting ready for the inspection. House counters that he has an WHORE visit coming up, and you don’t see him skipping work. Last I remember, he just brought the WHORE to his office, so that doesn’t really count, does it? Cuddy would also be waiting for a budget report from House, but Cameron did it for him in exchange for a favor. No, not that kind of favor, she did that already back in season 1 or 2. She has a patient she wants House to look at. It’s none other than Fumidad, of course. He has chronic pain, so I’m pretty sure House would have taken the case anyway. During Name That Disease, Cameron says something snippy to 13 and Foreman sticks up for her. 13 smirks. Take that, skank!

My man can beat up your man!

House gives out the week’s assignments. Louie interviews the POW and family to find out if the pain is real, or all in his head. Foreteen is going to do the unlawful entry this week. No, not some kinky dress-up game–just the usual breaking into the POW’s house. As Louie asks a bunch of “are you really in pain or just nuts” questions of the POW and his wife, Foreman and 13 mess around in the POW’s garage. He notes that she’s been avoiding him since the Christmas Smooch. Sorry Eric, but all TV relationships work this way. Just be glad she’s not using you to hook up with the hot wino chick next door, who just broke up with the troubled inner-city kid who wears wifebeaters and lives in your pool house and oh, wrong show. I get my bisexual romantic subplots featuring Olivia Wilde mixed up so easily. Man, I miss The OC. Foreman thought she was over the whole whats-the-point-cuz-I’m-DYIN phase. Not sure where that falls on the whole denial-anger-acceptance scale, but anyway. “I’m not giving up on life, I’m giving up on you,” she says, which is way harsher than what she means, which is that she’s moved on to the don’t-get-close-to-me-cuz-I’m-DYIN phase. They find a whole flock of frozen quail in the freezer, which could be causing his pain–somehow or other. I’m just going to skip it because we all know it’s not the problem.

More debate over whether the POW is depressed because he hurts or he thinks he hurts because he’s depressed. House says he isn’t crazy. Louie is Doctor Obvious this week, and points out that House is Seeing Self In Patient. They do a biopsy to check for, I dunno, something that might be hurting him, and he crashes. Isn’t it a bit early in the episode to bring out the paddles? They page House at home. He figures out that the patient had a pulmonary embolism, because Foreman and 13 are singing in the rain, or because it’s precisely 2am and a butterfly just flapped its wings in China. Or maybe Jacob told him up at the shack. Who cares. The man is just a STINKIN’ GENIUS. House looks up and sees a wet spot on his ceiling. Ooh, the last time I saw this on screen, it was on CSI and there was a bloated dead body in the tub in the upstairs apartment. They should totally get House to take over from Grissom. That would be so much cooler than Lawrence Fishburne . Anyway, the ceiling caves in and House is soaked with what looks to be ordinary, non-decay-ridden water from a busted pipe.

What a wonderful feeeeeeling, I’m… gimmmmpy again!

Loumar gives the POW an MRI to find out what caused the pulmonary embolism, cuz it could always be, hmmm, I don’t know…. CANCER? They’re arguing over whether he was justified in trying to kill himself to end his pain. Kutner and Taub are like the two dudes off the street in Shakespeare who discuss the moral of the story to make it REALLY FREAKIN G OBVIOUS to the dummies in the audience. There’s a technical writery term for that, right? I am so never getting a day job as a writer. Sigh. They spot something, but… “That’s not cancer.” Have I mentioned that “not cancer” is worth 4 drinks in the House drinking game?

House is having a plumber check out his leaky pipe. Problem is, House’s insurance is not going to cover the repair because the pipe was pulled apart. It’s going to be $2200 to fix. What, is his name Joe or something? Back at the office, Foreman gives 13 her Sexy Medical Tai Chi Treatment, and makes a passive-aggressive jab about how he’s only touching her because it’s Medically Necessary. 13 points out that the POW has a serious medical condition and is driving his family nuts. The rest of the Bloodhound Gang comes in and they talk about how the POW has air in his veins. 13 ditches Foreman to go help the other boys do some more tests. When House hears the news, he gets a lightbulb. He checks out the POW’s IV and there are teeth marks on it. Dad blew into it to try and kill himself again. That has to be the weirdest way to go that I’ve ever heard. Couldn’t he, like, strangle himself with a cord or something sane? “Just let me die,” he begs. “No,” says House.

Now they’re doing Name That Disease in Cuddy’s nursery. That seems just a little contrived. Who drove? Did they stop for pizza? Cuddy says she just wanted to inconvenience House, since he’s been inconveniencing her by, you know, asking her to show up for work. The nerve of some people. So a Huddy tiff commences until Foreman has an idea and House… calls him Foreteen. No way! You GUYS! You read my recaps? *BLUSH* That plus a royalty check would be made of awesome! But back to the tiff. Cuddy asks House to take out the trash and House says “If you want a man to take your crap, you have to marry him first.”

**GIANT RECORD SCRATCH**

Am I hearing things, people, or did that sound like a proposal in House-speak?

Cuddy: “Or employ him.”

Which is pretty much the same thing with different currency, if you think about it.

Soooo… you’re telling me there’s a chance!

Back at the House of Pain, 13 is waiting for her trial appointment and in comes Tank Girl, who is walking, talking and looking like a million bucks. She thanks 13 for convincing her to stay in the program. Her appointment time was just switched to right before 13′s. Koinkydink? 13 doubts it. She asks Foreman if that’s his way of trying to get into her pants. He plays dumb and claims to know nothing about what’s going on with Tank Girl, but 13 doesn’t buy it and neither do I.

The POW squeezes a tennis ball as part of another test. He asks his family to leave the room so they don’t have to see him suffer. Louie gives him grief about his suicide attempts. Kumar says Louie has baggage. Yes, I know, they have this conversation about once a week. Yes, we already know that Louie has issues about everything. But he’s still boring. Also, just in case you haven’t caught the similarities between this guy and House, his leg starts to hurt. Loumar goes to tell House, who is looking for a good lawyer–or, at least, the name of a good lawyer. House asks Louie if he knows any, since he’s, you know, Jewish and stuff. Louie says no, “but I’ll bring it up at the next World Domination Subcommittee meeting.” Not bad, Taub, your comebacks are getting better, but still a little too highbrow. Try to aim lower next time. Kumar says knows a lawyer named Chris something, but as House points out, Chris “doesn’t sound like a very good lawyer.” What’s he doing, anyway? Probably bluffing his insurance company.

But back to the patient. House is stumped because the pain seems to have jumped from one part of his brain to another. Now it’s going to be harder to figure out if the pain is in his mind or his body. “It’s not like we can chop off his head to see if the pain goes away,” muses Kumar. “Why not?” says House. I’m betting this is not going to be as awesome as it sounds. He calls Cuddy in from home to ask for permission–aw yeah, he just wants to shoot the POW’s brain stem full of anesthetic, which I guess will numb up the whole body and then if he still feels pain, it’s in his head. Or something. What do I know? Cuddy tells him not to make her juggle work and the baby, you know, like everyone else who has a family.

Cuddy goes back home to a mess of a house that has New Baby written all over it. The doorbell rings and there’s her friendly neighborhood social worker, showing up an hour early for the inspection. How conveniently spontaneous! Do they really do that? If not, they should. Cuddy is a nervous wreck, which is all the inspector really wants to see, because it proves she cares about the kid.

Have we set the bar low for parenting in this country or what?

Meanwhile, in the OR, House is prepping the POW for the so-called head-cutting. The POW sees House’s limping and general sunny disposition, and they bond over the chronic pain thing. The POW says House has it easier because he doesn’t have a family to think of–he can be as miserable as he wants, alone, all by himself. Yeah, sounds like a blast. “I left my family back on Krypton,” quips House, which is funny even though I don’t totally get it. Cameron looks on from the bridge in a vaguely meaningful way.

After the Not-So-Drastic Procedure, which sorta worked but not really, House and the kids are chillaxin’ in the conference room when a large angry man charges in, leaves House a bill and charges back out. It’s the lawyer whose name House used in the threatening email.

And the Lucas Award–for Shortest, Most Random Subplot In A TV Series–goes to… Chris The Lawyer!

After that little interlude, everyone gets paged and rushes out to find the POW’s kid writhing on the floor and screeching like an American Idol contestant. House, unruffled, goes in to see the POW. Dad had the kid set up a diversion while he chugged a bottle of rubbing alcohol. This guy has zero game when it comes to offing himself. The kid says to just let Dad die and put him out of his misery.

Next, a halfhearted Name That Disease. Everyone is out of ideas. The best House can come up with is that maybe all the pain meds have confused his brain, and are actually causing the pain instead of relieving it. Take him off all the painkillers, says House. 13 bets House that he’d never do it himself. “Good thing I’m not the patient.” Plus they’re like Popeye’s spinach to him. No pain, no brain.

Heeeeeeeere’s Wilson! Where’s he been all night? He’s playing GBF to Cuddy, who is still miserable despite having her mothering skills confirmed. In perhaps the least politically correct, most awesome speech you’ll ever hear Wilson utter, he basically goes off on women for always holding themselves to crazy high standards. Be more like a man, relax and delegate, he says. And like that, New Zen Master Wilson swoops out of the episode forever, as quickly as he came.

The POW panics at the thought of going off his meds. Louie tells Kumar why he has issues with the suicide attempts: a guy he was a resident with attempted suicide and it was a really selfish thing to do. Hey, I have a theory about Louie. Do you remember in Gremlins where Phoebe Cates says she hates Christmas because her dad got stuck in the chimney and died? OK, do you remember Gremlins 2 where she has some ridiculously morbid reason for hating every other holiday too? I didn’t think so. But it happened. Anyway, Louie is the Phoebe Cates of this show. He has issues with everything. And yet he remains boring. How does he do it?

House accuses Foreman of using the clinical trial to get close to 13, by giving her false hope, and goes home to set a fire in his kitchen. Or maybe he already set the fire, because the plumber has already fixed the pipes. House Time is so confusing. The days, they pass so quickly when people are dying of unknown causes. Oh yeah, the pipes. House’s vandalism burned the neighbor’s pipes but didn’t touch his own. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. (One free Snicker to whoever knows what movie that’s from! Heheheh. Free snicker, get it?)

Back at the hospital the next day/week/whenever, the POW is still shrieking. House caves and gives him his meds back. His wife says to just send him home and let him die already. House caves again and says OK.

Back at 221B, House has finally gotten his pipe fixed. He bribed the plumber to tell the insurance company the damage was covered. The bribe cost more than the repair itself. “You happy?” asks the plumber. “No, but I’m right.” Which is just about the Housiest thing I’ve ever heard House say. House notices the plumber scratching his junk, and gets a lightbulb.

20cc of Gold Bond will fix you right up.

“Testicles,” House says as he’s walking out of the elevator. Really, who doesn’t love to be greeted that way? Ten bucks if you walk up to someone and say “Testicles” instead of “Hello” sometime this week. Ten bucks, Ed. House says the POW’s pain is caused by epilepsy. Aha! But epilepsy shows up on an EEG. Aha, but not if it happens in the part of the brain that controls the groin muscles. Who don’t know dat? House asks the POW if “it felt like getting kicked in the nads” when the pain first started. He says yes. Aha! (And ewww. I feel really bad for this dude now.) Yippee, the POW is going to be good as new in moments. Kumar thinks Louie’s “friend” who attempted suicide was really Louie himself. Louie denies, poorly.

13 is getting her dose of trial drugs and feels better. Better enough to bat those sleepy eyes at Foreman and ask him out. He all but trips over his feet as he tightens up a drippy IV. Outside the room, a nurse comments that the trial medicine smells bad. Foreman didn’t notice any smell, which means… drumroll… 13 is on a placebo instead of the actual trial drug. Foreman deflates. You know, House has said “false hope” to Foreteen at least once in each of the last 3 or 4 episodes. Sneaky sneaky writers. I forgive you for the Cuddy Christmas Story. Not for Lucas, though. Never for Lucas.

Cuddy tells Cameron that she knows Cameron gave the case to House because she thought it would be good for him. Much like Foreman sticking Tank Girl in front of 13′s nose. And that pretty much wraps it up in a nice pink bow. Cuddy decides to start delegating, and asks Cameron if she’ll watch the House while Mommy is home washing bottles.

Back at home, House is about to step into his repaired shower. He holds onto a pipe to steady himself and the pipe gives way and all the plumbing fixtures rattle. Sure enough, House did break the pipes himself. There’s some metaphor there, but I’m about to fall asleep, so I’d love to discuss this laterZZZZZZZZ…..

Back next week after I catch up on my sleep!