How To Eat Pooped Worms

After last week’s Debbie Downer of an episode, I was seriously looking forward to revisiting the lighter side of House. Sure, he’s still been flirting fighting with Cuddy, belittling the Housemates and aggravating Wilson, but he just hasn’t seemed to be having any fun doing it. I’m sure regaining – and subsequently relosing – the use of his leg might have something to do with it. And that kid who bled out of his ass was certainly no barrel of monkeys. But come on, this is Dr. Gregory House we’re talking about. He of the rapier wit and panty-removing baby blues. So thank goodness tonight’s episode had two of my favorite plot devices: autistic children and jail bait cooter.

Betcha thought I was going to say retards, didn’t you? Suckers. Tonight’s episode starts off innocently enough, with a suburban father trying to teach his son to pick a bicycle from a group of flashcards. And even though Dad seems like a nice guy, I already know he’s going to be a dick because an agency where I used to work used the actor, Geoffrey Blake, on a bank campaign several years ago. I’m not saying Mr. Blake is a dick; he just plays one on TV. And oy, that voice! I wasn’t even looking at the television and it still cut through my peyote-induced haze.

But enough about me. Adam, his son, doesn’t want to show his Dad a bicycle. In fact, he seems much more content simply rocking back and forth in his chair. Odds that Adam’s a ‘tard? Currently 5-2. Of course, the fact that the producers are using the patented ‘tard-cam to show us Adam’s point-of-view kind of gives it away. Next, Dad asks Adam to show him what he wants for lunch. Instead of picking a card, though, Adam draws a squiggly line on his chalkboard. Great. The ‘tard wants eel.

During lunch, Adam decides he wants more juice. Only instead of pointing to the juice card, Adam just bangs his glass on the table. Unfortunately, Dad won’t give him any unless he says the magic words: Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho. Good luck with that. Before Dad can belittle him any further, however, Adam starts to choke. His Dad says it’s impossible, though, because Adam’s eating mac and cheese. What, mac and cheese has magical non-choking properties? If I’d known that, I’d've had my old college girlfriend eat some every Friday night.

After the opening credits, we learn that Adam isn’t retarded; he’s just autistic. I love the way Foreman says it, too: “Autistic. Severely autistic.” Like he’s a very special James Bond. While Foreman is going over the boy’s symptoms, House is all distracted by something. He says the parents are convinced that there’s something wrong with their son, and then leaves the office and heads to the elevator. Cameron wants to know why they’re listening to parents. Because she hasn’t listened to hers for almost three weeks now, when her Mom told her to grow some bangs. And just look at how that turned out.

House tells the Outhouses that both Mom and Dad quit their jobs when Adam was diagnosed with autism. They’ve heard him scream a million times, and this time it was different. In fact, in ten years of caring for him, this is the first time they’ve ever brought him to a hospital. Not counting, of course, the franks and beans incident of ’01. Because technically they just went to an UrgentCare that time.

House wants to run a bunch of tests on the kid, starting with his stool. “Just because he screamed?” asks an incredulous Cameron. Hell, she screamed that time she did the nasty with Chase, and nobody checked her stool. Well, except for Chase.

Foreman is smellin’ what Cameron’s cooking, though, and tells House he had a date last night that screamed too. “Should we spend $100,000 testing her?” he asks. “Of course not,” House says. “This isn’t a veterinary hospital. Zing!” Yay, funny House is back!

“I yam what I yam.”

After leaving the Outhouses to run some tests, House heads over to Cuddy’s office and demands his old carpet back. So that’s why he was acting so hinky in his office. Cuddy got rid of it because it was stained with blood. House’s blood. Which is why he wants it back. The carpet is part of him now. Jeez, I hope that doesn’t mean he has a collection of crunchy condoms in his apartment. Cuddy explains to House that it’s the exact same carpet, except without the biological hazardous waste, i.e.: his blood. House, however, says he won’t return to his office until every “patented durable microfiber has been restored to its rightful place.” And stuff.

No dice, though. Cuddy tells him if he doesn’t want to work in his office, then he can work in the clinic. If he doesn’t want to work in the clinic, he can go home. Without pay. “Attica! Attica! Attica!” House starts yelling, pounding his cane on the floor. All to no avail. Primarily because Cuddy doesn’t get the reference.

Next, we get to see Adam playing with his PSP. Hey, I don’t have a PSP. Maybe I should get me the autism. Don’t you love how old people always add a “The” before the name of any disease? “He’s got the cancer.” Or, “She’s got the AIDS.” Or my favorite, “copygodd’s got a bad case of the DT’s.” I miss my grandma.

Adam’s parents won’t let Foreman run any tests until Adam’s finished the game level he’s on. Foreman doesn’t want to wait, though, and tries to take the PSP from Adam. Bad move, Foreman. Because Adam gets madder than EdHill when he learned that Cooter’s Place wasn’t really a porn site.

Meanwhile, House is in the clinic listening to patients he cares nothing about. The first says she used Metamucil like her doctor told her, and while she was finally able to make a big splash, she saw something in the toilet she couldn’t identify. So, she wrapped it in a tissue and brought it in for House to see. If House says he sees the Virgin Mary in her doodie, I’m giving the writers a Lifetime Golden ‘Gasm award right now.

Back upstairs, Foreman is strapping Adam in for his test. The way they have him tied up, he kind of looks like that old Quiet Riot album cover. The way he’s screaming and carrying on you’d think they were actually making him to listen to that album.

House’s next patient has had chronic back pain for years. But this morning he woke up and there was no pain. So he figured he better get down to the clinic right away to tell someone. And he has a tissue full of doodie for House to check out. (“Tissue Full of Doodie” would make a good name for Supernova.)

Chase and Cameron, meanwhile, are checking out the family’s house. Chase finds a schedule on the fridge that has ever minute of Adam’s time scheduled out. The camera skimmed down the schedule pretty fast, so I didn’t get to see how much time they’d given Adam for spanking it. That might explain some of his frustration.

Chase finds it odd that if you’re a normal kid, your parents work. But if you’re a special kid like Adam, both your parents quit work and turn your backyard into a therapy unit. “Yes, if you only you were handicapped,” Cameron tells him. “Just think of the good times you could have had with Dad.” So, I’m guessing Chase has some Daddy issues? Anyone care to enlighten me? Outside, Cameron sifts through the sand box. Unless autism is caught from cat poop, I think she’s wasting her time. Or maybe she’s just looking to make a new Thanksgiving centerpiece.

“My, what a big stethoscope you have.”

Back at the hospital, House goes to see his next patient. Hey, it’s Lolita! She thinks she caught what her dad had: “That rhino thing.” That would be a rhinovirus, or cold, for those of you who missed last week’s recap. She tells House it’s in her chest, and then unzips her top, exposing her firm, yet perky breastesses. Or she would if it weren’t for those pesky booby censors at the FCC. Damn you and your tittie, Janet Jackson!

House wants to know exactly when New Jersey ran out of horny 17-year-old boys. “About five weeks ago,” Lolita tells him. Right when they ran out of Tag Body shots. Actually, five weeks ago was when she first met House. And just then Foreman Interruptus walks in. Hey, that’s usually Cameron’s job. Foreman wants House to come check on Adam, but House says he can’t leave right now, because Cuddy won’t let him leave the clinic.

Just because.

It’s time for the white board segment. Nurse Ratchet is not happy about House holding court in the clinic waiting room, but what’s she going to do? Electroshock therapy? That’d never work. Mainly because there’s no giant Indian around to smother House when she’s done.

House is trying his darndest to make the patients uncomfortable, randomly yelling things like “fecal smear!” and “bloody risotto!” Chase wants to go someplace else, but House tells him that Cuddy said he has to work there. Just then, Cuddy walks in. “Is this your master plan?” she asks him. “Disrupt the hospital until I replace your carpet?” House says he saw it in a James Bond movie, then yells “fecal smear!” again really loud. Speaking of which, “Fecal Smear” would be another great name for Supernova.