House: Not the Funniest Role She’s Had

So it’s time for the unofficial season finale of House. I of course don’t know this for sure, and I actually read recently that if the strike is resolved soon that many shows would be able to save the tail ends of their seasons. But the point is, House is reaching, and the sooner this season ends, I think the better it is for all of us. Except the writers who won’t get paid. But they’re kind of slacking anyways.

I rest my case.

We start off seeing some foreign wedding ceremony, and by saying “foreign,” I’m trying to sound as least racist as possible. But let’s just be honest, they’re obviously Amish. And there’s no way they’ll ever find out I said that!

Ok, this is weird. There are strange cuts between what looks like home video footage and actual House footage, but then a glass is broken, Mazal tov and everybody is happy. And who is the bride? Sarah Silverman’s sister. What the hell.

So Jesus isn’t magic?

Anyways, more cuts between home video footage and House footage, which is retarded, and the bride is getting congratulated by many Jewish mothers. Then she gets pulled out to dance, and gets lifted up in the chair by the women. I don’t really understand Jewish ceremonies, so I’m not going to pretend to try. But as she’s elevated, we see blood somewhere on her dress, and she gets that “I’m going to pass out” look on her face. But to everyone’s surprise, a bird flies in and tries to eat her. Then she passes out. And she falls off the chair, and everyone is very concerned. Except for me mostly.

At the hospital, House is harassing Wilson about his relationship with Cut throat bitch Amber. I know working with House means he’s going to be all up in your business, but I would get sick of it after a while. That is, I would get sick of it, if I didn’t admire House so much for being so awesome.

House says he gives it two months, and Wilson wants to take that bet and place $100 on it. Turns out they’ve been dating four months. She doesn’t fit Wilson’s type, and House doesn’t get it, so he says he’ll just go talk to Amber himself. Wilson tells him to go ahead. I don’t really see how she couldn’t get annoying after, like, 20 minutes of being together with her. So she’s got to be a demon in the sack. And probably more needy than she lets on.

Go Wilson. Only in TVland would this guy be banging the hottest chick in the place.

House walks into his office, confused, and Jen is there with the next patient: a 38-year old woman with loss of bladder control, blood in her urine and a broken leg from collapsing at her wedding. Rawr. House asks if people knew about Wilson and Amber, and Kal says yes, the rest (save for Jen) say no. Do we know her name yet? I haven’t technically “watched” the episode after the Super Bowl because I was technically “in” a “drunken stupor.”

Anyways, Jen is still all business, while Kal says he was scared of Amber but she has legs that go to Canada. Can’t fault him for that one. He also says that she “grew on” him, and I bet he returned the favor. Oh snap! In the background they’ve been discussing symptoms and possible diseases, and House thinks the bride may have tried to kill herself. Jen believes in the goodness of people, so she disagrees.

Taub and Foreman go to check out Laura Silverman’s apartment, and the two have a discussion about Hassidic Jews and how they marry. Taub disagrees with it, Foreman can see it. He also uses the term “emotional foreplay” which sounds like the worst kind there is. Except for maybe metaphorical foreplay, which I don’t think I’ve heard before, but it’s not something I want to have. Or do I? They find some sort of piece of lingerie and a gold record (or group of them) that have Laura’s name listed as producer on all of them, so they assume that there should be drugs to go along with the sex and rock and roll.

Slut.

Turns out she became Hassidic 6 months ago, and before she used heroin. But she’s been clean for months, and her new husband doesn’t care about the past. Kal seems most concerned that she can never watch Star Wars again, but she’s probably most concerned that she can’t do the drugs again. I know I’m most concerned about her doing drugs again. And the sex thing.

Back at Amber’s place, she comes back and House has broken into her place. He gives multiple scenarios why he thinks Amber is dating Wilson, and each time she goes along with it. She asks House if he thinks she’s in it for Wilson or House, and I really could have done without that scene.

I hope you’re picturing a naked cutthroat right now. You’re welcome.

The tests on Laura were negative, so House says they may missed a symptom that presented itself 6 months ago: religion. He says she may be exhibiting porphyria. It’s semi-reasonable, since she was not religious, then immediately goes ultra-conservative. Kal tells her what they’ll be testing for, and her new husband is suspicious about why they’re testing her. And Kal is trying to avoid saying they’re seeing if her newfound religion is a result of porphyria. He says Dr. House has a theory.

So the husband goes to Cuddy and requests a different doctor.

Cuddy says she’s looked at the chart and thinks it’s the same thing Jen thinks it may be. House then uses the husband’s religion and a deductive argument to prove that House should be trusted within the walls of the hospital even if he’s not understood. Solid reasoning, but the husband still wants a new doctor. Cuddy and House banter a little bit after the husband leaves about why one would change their life, and House gets a page. Remember what Cuddy thought it could be? Laura is struggling to breathe, so it can’t be that, and House says the husband should ask God what’s wrong with her.

The next morning, Kal tells House about the overnight treatment, and he saw Amber drop Wilson off that morning. Jen says porhpyria is ruled out, they talk more about Wilson and Amber, and Jen says they’re trying not to look at the part of the white board that has “altered mental state” on it. House has them run her through a stress test to see if Laura has lupus, and Taub doesn’t want to give her one in case she crashes. He thinks it’s Wegner’s, but they’ll keep the crash cart just in case. They should do it in a hyperbaric chamber so Kal can get into more shenanigans. Since he got this job he’s been boring.

We need a little more White Castle and a little less The Namesake from you, dude.

House walks up to Wilson and Amber in some sort of bar or restaurant. She calls him Greg because they’re social equals, and he calls her Cut throat bitch. He also says something in Latin because he’s an ass. She’s very confident. I find it incredibly annoying. Good to see she’s got annoying me down to a science. She complains to the maitre d’, and Wilson is slightly annoyed with this quality of hers.

It works, and she gets them a table. She waves Wilson over to their table, and he smiles a little. House notices, and is bewildered that Wilson likes this quality about her. More than that, he likes that she will manipulate people when it serves a purpose. As he says that, House realizes that Wilson is sleeping with the woman version of him, and he walks out. And I think we’re all a little turned on. UNSETTLED! I mean we’re all a little unsettled. Phew. Nice save.

During the stress test, Taub is trying to get Laura to exert herself more and she says damnit. The husband hears this and wonders a little, and he asks Taub what if House is right, will she quit being Hassidic and not want to be married to him? Luckily she loves huge beards, so he’s safe. Taub says “You’d find someone else.” Very convincing. Then they talk about marriage and love and zzzzzzzz.

No heart attack, but her leg starts twitching or something. Disproves lupus and also disproves Wegner’s. They look for blood clots, and Foreman and Jen talk about this woman. Jen doesn’t think the mental thing is applicable, and Foreman somehow uses that to call Jen a bisexual, which she doesn’t deny. Giggity. Has this show always been about examining why people do things? Wasn’t it more House/sickness-centric in the past? All this psychoanalysis bores me. They’re doctors, not psychologists damnit.

Otherwise they could have just hired this douche.

House says to put pressure on her IV and if she enjoys it, they’ll see it. If she’s become a masochist, they’ll see it. And boy did she enjoy it. But it turns out she was praying, and that could explain the brain activity. That’s boring and not as sexy. They stand up Laura and she starts crashing. But when they sit her down, she’s fine.

Kal is confused because when you stand up, blood pressure and heart rate are supposed to go up, not down. House wants to know why, and Kal says it could be arrhythmia, which I guess explains all symptoms. House orders tests as he walks out to meet Wilson. Wilson has moved out of his old place, and in with Amber?

Wilson says that House was right, he is dating House, and why shouldn’t he? Aside from how weird that is, I’m skeptical and think that Wilson is just playing with House. House says he was wrong, and Amber is a needier version of him. The proof is that they started dating right after she was fired, and Wilson lied when he’d said they’d been dating four months. Again, Wilson agrees with House, but this time House doesn’t look for a new angle and he wants Wilson to himself. Don’t we all House.

Kal and Taub are testing for arrhythmias and they see nothing out of the ordinary. The two are also having a relatively boring conversation about making a radical change in your life. The only interesting parts are when Laura speaks up, but it’s not very often. She did hear Foreman call Jen a bisexual though, and I think she thought that was interesting. Much like me.

Aw! See, someone wants to hug you!

House goes into Cuddy’s office and tells her to sleep with Wilson. She says she has to go sleep with accounting first since she’s a hospital administrator. Then she says that House is worried the relationship will succeed and won’t be around for House to play with (nonsexually). Cuddy tells him though that he’ll have nothing to worry about. Except keeping the nonsexual play nonsexual. Unless, I guess, she didn’t mean nonsexual play in the first place.

They conduct a sweat test on Laura, and if she doesn’t sweat, she has a problem with her central nervous system. The husband is there, and he’s antsy about seeing his wife so revealed. She’s wearing a tank top. Jen says that she probably appreciates having him there over modesty, and the husband is disrespected because Jen thinks his caring is sweet but their relationship is archaic. His rant is interrupted by Laura’s body temperature that stops climbing. She’s having a seizure and freezing in a heated chamber. Slightly out of the ordinary.

They pull her out of the chamber, and now she’s freezing. They assumed that there was something added to her body, but now they consider if something is missing. Foreman comes up with something, and Jen goes to run the test. Meanwhile, Cuddy asks Wilson if Amber doesn’t just want to deposit her eggs in him and leave him for dead. Cuddy tells him straight up Amber will kill him, and I’m thinking that she was not being entirely metaphorical.

Laura now has received Cortisol and she feels awesome. It reminds me of how she was on drugs. Or, at least what I would have perceived to be her on drugs. Jen gives her the once over, and Laura’s stomach is a little swollen. She sits up and gets dizzy, and then she goes into shock. She then starts saying a prayer thinking she’s dying, and she’s bleeding internally.

Try being a little more professional. You’re a doctor now!

Chase looks at some test results and tells Laura that they don’t know where the blood is coming from, but they can find it if they open her up and look. It won’t cure her, but it will keep her alive so House can cure her. She says she doesn’t want the surgery though. Not until after sunset.

House is mad that Chase couldn’t get her to do the surgery. Chase eventually walks out when he’s sick of the ridicule, but he eventually walks back in and says that God can speed up time, God meaning House. As they wheel her back to her room, she says it’s too early, but they tell her the medication has thrown off her sense of time. She buys it, and she’s probably pretty doped up anyways, so what is she going to do, fight it?

Her husband has bought into it, even though he was just talking about sacred beliefs and whatnot. Taub tells her to scarf down some bread so they can operate on her already.

Just keep her alive. Not that I would have trouble finding another wife. I’m totally hot.

House is in his office, and in walks Cut throat. He tells her that if she solves the case, then she’s got a job. She tells House that with Wilson she’s found love and respect, and she doesn’t care about the fellowship. Then she looks at the board and has a possible explanation. She’s wrong, and I think House feels vindicated that she at least tried.

We see the ceremony with Laura and her husband, and in the background Taub, Foreman, Kal and House are trying to figure out a cure before they cut her open. Then they discuss the religious choice behind not having the surgery, and House says something that gives him a light bulb. And he gets to utter the phrase “Stop that Jew.”

They stand Laura up, and she starts to crash, and by pushing up on her stomach/chest, she gets better. Then he has Jen do it, then they lie her back down. She’s got a floating kidney, and that’s causing all her symptoms. They can reattach it and she’ll be good as new.

House then asks Jen “You do it both ways, right?” She asks what defensively, and then he clarifies that he was talking about the ultrasound, standing up and sitting down. More incriminating evidence Jen. Hot. House then goes to Wilson’s office and gives his version of a blessing I guess for dating Amber. House then refuses to admit that he’s admitting people can change, even though he just said Amber had earlier in the episode. The episode ends with House saying he never sacrifices himself.

Maybe we could, uh, have some coffee sometime?

So that’s where the episode ended. Forgive me, I did not like this one. I thought it was boring and what was the point of bringing back Amber. A pretty weak last effort, and I’m very disappointed that this may be how House is going out. Feel free to correct me in the comments though.