When we last saw House, he’d just selected a new team and manipulated Cuddy to get his way. Now he’s back, and it must have seemed like a great idea to jam 3 episodes into 8 days for some reason. Why? Because God hates me. So join me as I feel the wrath, and we learn how this new team will work.
Stop your sniveling, stinker.
It’s Christmas time! A girl is rock-climbing with her mom spotting her, and the girl doesn’t really want to go higher, but her mom is making her. The girl’s calf starts twitching and she falls off. As the mom is easing her down, her hands go numb, she drops the rope, and the girl falls. She’s ok though, and she asks her mom what happened. Rather than tell the girl she failed, and the consequence of that is being dropped, the mom says she can’t move her hands. Almost two months off, and we’re back with a Christmas-time episode and no life-threatening symptoms? Weak House. Weak.
My nails really look like shit.
So the new House crew (I’m going to count Foreman as part of the new crew) is gathered around discussing this woman, and Kal wonders if House is going to keep firing people. House basically says shut up, and then he begins taking down the Christmas decorations that Kal must have put up. Cute woman (maybe she’ll get a real name now, maybe one word less than 9 letters) says that their jobs are safe, Kal makes an annoying comment, and House makes a snide rebuttal. I don’t see that getting old at all.
Then they begin talking about the patient, Mom. Odd paralysis, no drug use history, single mom. She had a (or possibly both) breasts removed, and never got them replaced, but Taub thinks breast cancer is possible due to the inability of the best plastic surgeons to remove all breast tissue. And this episode just got sexy.
House talks to the daughter, and apparently her mom smokes pot occasionally. No drug use, huh? House is giving the girl the third degree, and the girl is pretty up front with him. He also defines white lies and rationalizations to the girl. This is after House asked her what her mom’s favorite sex position is. Remember when I mentioned this episode getting sexy? Nothing’s sexier than an 11 year-old talking about sex without having any idea what it means. I hope I did not just say that out loud. And the answer, by the way, is on her stomach so she doesn’t see them looking at her scars. Less sexy.
Strange men tickle mommy on her bottom.
Wilson is looking at a test in the cafeteria and House is informing him of the reasons why honesty is overrated. Wilson seems disinterested, and I’m getting the feeling that this episodes theme is, perhaps, honesty? Regardless, Wilson says it’s not breast cancer.
House is walking and talking with Kal and cute woman (for the time being, I’ll name her Jen, even though I seem to remember her name being mentioned at some point, and it’s not easily shortened if I believe. My recap though, so my rules. Jen it is), and he says they need a new theory. He also calls the mom a slut, and since STD’s aren’t the only thing that could cause the symptoms (and she’s clean), House wants her recent partners checked in on. And, might I just say, a slutty mom is exactly what Christmas is all about. Or maybe that’s not at all what it’s about. I mean, I guess I don’t really know why this episode was supposedly going to be shown at Christmas. Anyways, House wants Taub and Foreman to do the investigating because they’re better liars.
The first dude says there was no need to drug her because he’d known her for less than an hour when she offered to take him home. A lady who knows what she wants. I like it. The doctors get up to leave, then notice the dude chugging water. They make up some bullshit symptoms trying to get something out of him. And it works, because he says that she was really drunk, so he gave her some E. I’m not up to par with these hip new drugs, but I’m guessing E is short for extra care. How sweet. Luckily, he’s got some left, so they take it to get it analyzed. If we see more of Taub and Foreman manipulating other people, and less of them bitching about how House is ‘not a good person’ then I would quickly begin to like them.
Wah wah wah wahhhhh.
House is in the clinic checking out a girl who was on Nip/Tuck a couple episodes last season. How do I know? I made the mistake of watching, which I quickly learned would require more alcohol than I can afford. She’s got strep throat, and she’s worried about it being contagious for the next 24 hours. House discerns that she’s a prostitute, and she says she’s not. Then she admits, I think, and appears to try to flirt with House, but he just gets up and rolls his eyes. You know she’d charge him anyways.
Cuddy walks in, saying House owes her $50. House says he wants a new team, because they work better when they’re afraid. The Taub comes up, explains about the Ex and what they’re doing to her. He also refers to Jen as “13″ still, which I’m not allowing.
Kal is in Mom’s room, and she can’t move her hands still. Also, the daughter is in her room. The mom says the lights just went out, but they certainly did not. She’s lost her sight, and the girl yells “Do something. ” Then Kal says, “You know what? I wasn’t going to, because I didn’t know what to do, but since you suggestd I do something, I’m going to try it.”
The crew comes back and the Ex is clean. House allows the crew, including himself, to follow Kal’s suggestion earlier to do Secret Santa. House then tells them to check out Mom’s house. Foreman, and Taub both have diseases that fit the symptoms, and no one wants to check out the house. So House orders tests to be run, he and Jen have a quick exchange about the Mom’s honesty (hmmm) and he picks the final name for Secret Santa and gets excited. So, the question is, did he pick his own name, or is it misdirection?
Santa can suck it. I’m not buying crap.
Taub and Foreman are preparing Mom to have her eyes checked. The daughter asks if she’s scared, then Mom asks if the doctors look scared. They’re just confident. As they put her in place, the daughter says their boss is weird. More discussion about honesty and lying. Bah. The test results? The problem isn’t vascular, which would have been something they can fix. The daughter makes sure to point out that the doctors are worried now.
House, meanwhile, is playing foosball, or possibly practicing, in the lounge. Wilson asks about the deal with the Secret Santa, and House asks what Wilson got his wife for their last Christmas. He gave her money to get her something. Then he says that people hate being shoved in the wrong pigeon-hole, which is so true. I used to get shot glasses all the time, as I was growing up, because I semi-collected them. That stopped when I turned 21. So I hate that I’ve been pigeon-holed into “sober.”
Kal and Jen are discussing Secret Santa (Kal wants to spend more than $25) and getting the key to Mom’s house. If it was two separate conversations, it would be easier to follow. So I’ll translate. Kal: “I want to spend more money on your gift.” Jen: “Who cares, I’m telling House we didn’t break into their house.” Kal: “No.” Also, as they’re walking in, Jen is carrying computers they stole from Mom’s house.
As House is trying to guess Mom’s password, Jen comes up and tries just leaving the password blank, and that logs them in. They haven’t found anything abnormal in any tests, besides lack of vision and flaccid paralysis, which, if you ask me, is one of the worst kinds. Foreman suggests that maybe her brain is lying, which is intriguing. House is into it, so he says they need something better than tricking her brain. Something like monster trucks.
Sorry mom. You’re screwed.
House and Jen then are walking towards wherever the daughter is, which turns out to be Mom’s room, and they’re discussing Jen’s possible case of Huntington’s (third time it’s been brought up this episode). She refuses to help him lie, and he says to just keep her mouth shut but he still needs her.
House wants the daughter (Jane) to lie to Mom. It’s a placebo treatment, and Jane is reluctant to lie, but in case they’re wrong, they need her to lie. She says her mom isn’t depressed, and her mom hasn’t ever lied to her. House just says she doesn’t know when she’s being lied to. So Jane says she knows how to lie, she just won’t lie to her mother.
Taub gives Mom the placebo treatment, and as he’s waiting for it to take effect, more talk about secrets. Holy shit we’re only halfway through this episode and I’m sick of it. Meanwhile, Jane and the rest of House’s crew (minus Taub) are playing foosball, and they’re discussing paying more for Secret Santa. Each one says they know Kal didn’t get House. Cut to Wilson incredulously asking House “You put your name on every one??” Brilliant. Wilson asks what they’ll do when they find out, and House says they’ll argue about what to do. He’s more interested in the dissension than in the actual presents.
The three Housecrew members don’t want to get House a present, but actually Kal says he still will. Jen says he won’t, he says fine, and I’m convinced that he still will. Or he’ll get House possibly three presents.
Mom’s not doing so hot though. Taub is in her room with her, and her breathing is getting heavier, and she says she thinks she’s getting worse. Then her lymph nodes block her airway. She was not lying about that one! Hooray honesty!
The West Wing’s done, lady. Get over it.
The team tells House about her lymph nodes, and he’s disappointed with what he’s found in her email. Or, actually, what he didn’t find, specifically mangina. The lymph nodes mean it wasn’t a psychological problem, so they’re still screwed. House has a present sitting on his desk from Santa, and Kal asks who it’s from. House then asks what an alpine butterfly is. Unfortunately, it’s a rock-climbing knot. Also possibly a bondage knot? Jen gets upset that House is still obsessing with Mom’s email, and he responds that if he hadn’t been obsessing, he wouldn’t know she’s got sarcoidosis. The team doesn’t agree with his diagnosis because she doesn’t show other symptoms for it, so he orders tests. Also, that present on his desk? A iPhone! Somebody went over the limit…
Kal is obsessed with the gift, and they’re arguing over who gave it to him, then House gives it back to Wilson. It’s another pretty good idea for dissension. When the test is over, they need Mom to cough to help pull out the scope. She coughs again once it’s out though, and Taub notices blood near one of her eyes. He has her open them as the blood drips out of her eye. Less sexy, but still awesome.
House was wrong about the sarcoidosis, and the three new members are listing possibly illnesses related to the symptoms. House isn’t impressed and orders them to do another test. Kal sticks around after, and tells House that he had House for Secret Santa. Kal gives him the present even though House already got one, and he’s shocked to see that Taub and Jen are both watching as he does it. Ahh, dissension.
The prostitute is back in the clinic, and she’s got a rash on her neck. From the sores House thinks it’s the Clap. She says that was the first place she went though, and there’s no rash on her labia. She asks if he wants to check, and he reluctantly declines. Then he takes a closer look and asks her if she’s been to any donkey shows. She says either a donkey or a mule, and smiles. “That’s a creepy smile,” responds House. Contact can produce the symptoms she’s got, and House asks if there’s been contact. Oh yes there has been. This episode has just surpassed all previous levels of sexiness. I seriously hope I didn’t say that one out loud. Before she leaves, she gives him a flier for the show. Donkeysex at Christmas time. It’s beautiful.
Someone’s making a comeback!
Foreman is in surgery with Chase, and Foreman asks if he bought House a present. Because it would mean he as screwing with Foreman, Chase says yes, and he pulls out the power drill and starts drilling into mom. Foreman tells him to stop when he sees smoke though, and her bones are harder than the drill. Better get out the chainsaw.
They can’t find any hot spots in the bone scan, but Foreman says it’s possible all she has is hot spots. Unfortunately, only one cause of osteopetrosis is treatable, so they’re hoping that that’s the one she has. Or, at least, that’s what Kal is hoping.
Now House complains to Wilson about the dissension among the troops. Wilson is surprised that House has a problem with it, but his reasoning is something along the lines of they’ll accuse him every time he runs a test of getting it wrong, what happens when he inevitably does? Wilson then walks away and House follows, asking where they’re going. Wilson says he was just walking because he knows it hurts House. Touche Wilson. Touche.
Taub tells Mom what they’re testing her for, and if she has it, then a bone marrow transplant will cure her. Mom is nervous about the odds, and he tells her it’s relatively low-risk. Then he says they’ll test Jane for a match, and Mom doesn’t want it at first, but Taub and Jance try to convince her to allow it. Mom says to find someone else, let them take the risk. What a hypocrite. Forcing her to do it earlier, then not letting her take a risk later. All because her “life depends on it.” Boo hoo.
Can I have a bigger allowance?
They found a 5 out of 6 match, some guy in Cleveland, and House asks Taub why that’s closer than Mom’s daughter. When told Mom wouldn’t let them test Jane, House says she was searching for what the person wants to hear. At that, Taub pulls out a gift for House, and just as Jen walks in. Mom doesn’t have the deficiency they were hoping she had, so the marrow match is pointless. Then Jen pulls out her present and gives it to House also. Then House says he’ll tell the patient she’s dying, and no one is leaving until they find out what’s killing her.
The House crew is in the lab, and they’re discussing the Secret Santa situation and whether or not people are mad at Kal for getting House something, because that meant the rest of them had to. I disagree, but whatever. Then Jane walks in and says she wants her marrow tested, but, uh, it’s no use. Awwwkwwaaarrrrddddd.
Mom can’t believe she’s dying, and House tells her that she needs to tell her daughter the truth. Mom plays it dumb, so House explains it to her, and mostly to us. The only reason to deny a family member a donor test is because they are sure it won’t match, and the only reason that would happen was if they weren’t actually mother and daughter. She says nothing. Then she tells the story, she took in this addict’s child, and the addict didn’t want the child to know who the mother was. As she finishes the story, in walks Jane, and she knows what’s happening. But Mom believes she can beat it. Jane says, no, she can’t, and it’s not going to be ok. Then a bear on a unicycle rides in and lightens the mood. Phew.
As they walk out, Jen says “That was cold,” to House. Jane really didn’t pull any punches there. That night House leaves during the Christmas party, and he and Wilson have a discussion about House seeing the pure truth. He doesn’t care when he says it, but Jane did care. They talk a little more, and Wilson says “Things don’t care.” And House gets a light bulb.
He goes back inside singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” as he walks into the lab where the team is working. He tells them to give her an anti-psychotic. In Mom’s room, he tells them that they discounted breast cancer earlier, but the treatment makes the tissue swell so they can find it. Sure enough, on the back of her knee is a lump, and House pulls it out with a syringe. Then he sprays it into Jane’s mouth. Terrific. But guess what! It’s milk. Chemotherapy should cure the rest of the symptoms, and she’s not going to die after all.
House leaves the hospital, as his teams, past and present, are talking at the Christmas party. Then he walks into a church. And it turns out, after all, our prostitute is some kind of freak who goes to church and is also a prostitute doing a donkey show. Or, she’s just a religious person who is in the Christmas play at church.
Why Mary, you’re a rascal!
So that’s where the episode ends. I didn’t think it was a very good one, because I felt like they could have been just a little bit subtler with the whole honesty thing. But it seemed like the new team’s interactions went pretty well. What did you think of the episode? And Merry Christmas!