The One Where Joe Simpson Sues this Show

Here’s an episode of House that talks about sex, but sadly Cuddy isn’t really involved. It’s about a 15-year-old model who’s getting sick, and we all know it’s especially sad when someone hot dies, so everyone tries their darndest to save her. If the big secret is that she’s a hermaphrodite or something, I’m gonna kick someone.
We open on a fashion show. Sex! Glamour! Energy! It’s all very exciting. Backstage, a blonde girl is complaining that she feels ill, but perks up a bit when the designer tells her that if she does well tonight, she’ll be “bride” in the next show. Now, I am extremely knowledgeable about such things, so I can tell you that most couture shows end with the designer’s bridal gown, so it’s a pretty big deal for a model to be the one to wear it. It looks like the girl’s manager/father is more excited than she is, though. What a sleaze. I can tell he’s a sleaze because he’s drinking Champagne. Man drinking non-celebratory Champagne on TV = big scuzzball.

Dad gives his daughter Alex some Valium to calm her down, which she washes down with booze. She heads out onto the runway but gets dizzy on her way back, and when another model has the temerity to ask if she’s okay, Alex smacks the hell out of her. Awesome! Before it can escalate into an all-out catfight, Alex passes out.

Next, it’s morning at House’s place (9:19! He gets to sleep in!). His leg is clearly bothering him a lot more than usual. I suppose we’re meant to feel sorry for him now so that we can like him again after the last episode. Fine, I’ll bite. When he shows up at the hospital without a helmet, the love of his life Wilson instantly figures out that House’s leg is in a bad way. Wilson wants House to go into physical therapy, and we learn that House has never completed even one session. Oh, that lovable old curmudgeon! Cuddy cuts short all this House talk when she walks by and announces all House needs to hear: “Teenage supermodel!” House walks into Alex’s room and instantly starts in with the inappropriate flirting. He’s acting like he’s never seen a woman before. Is she really that hot? Fellas? Care to comment?

Father and daughter are both pretty forthcoming about the situation, with the dad owning up to giving her a Valium and Alex seeming to be pretty reasonable about outlining her symptoms. As House leaves the room, he comes across Cameron, who’s lurking about in the hallway already worked up about House finding another girl attractive. She accuses House of being a dirty old man, but seriously? All he’s done is asked Alex about her symptoms. I see they’re moving Cameron back into her role as (cue Strong Bad voice) “The Annoying One!”

House makes a pretty good point about how Alex is “held up as the sexual ideal,” being on the cover of magazines and such, but no one’s allowed to touch her for three more years, and isn’t that hypocritical? It is, not that grown men should be allowed to sleep with nubile young teens, because then how would I ever get laid?

Alex’s tox screen shows the Valium, and it also shows heroin. Shock! Cameron, Chase, and House are all acting like total assholes. Cameron’s convinced that Alex can’t be an addict, because she’s “only 15.” I still don’t believe that an actual doctor could possibly be as naïve as Cameron. House is still going off about Alex’s perfect body, while Chase bets him that her boobies are fake…because they’re bigger than they used to be. She’s 15, of course they’re bigger than they used to be. Dumbass. As House mocks Cameron for being such a Pollyanna, he just about bites it when his leg starts to hurt again. This makes him just a little cranky, and he decides that Alex has to go into a speedy detox program that’s very dangerous, but will cure Alex’s addiction overnight.

Foreman tells Alex’s father that they need to do this because the heroin withdrawal might be hiding other symptoms. Alex is in the throes of withdrawal, and she’s in a very bad way, sweating and saying that everything hurts. Chase and Foreman promise her that she’ll feel better when she wakes up. And then a few hours later she has a heart attack. Bummer. And her dad’s a trifle annoyed.

I kind of forgot all about the clinic, and now House is back to abusing urgent-care patients. This one is having a sympathy pregnancy. I guess his hormones must be out of whack. Hmmm, HIS HORMONES. WEIRD. OK, back to Alex. As she comes out of her coma, she does a little flirting with Chase and then groveling to her dad. And then she does a little flirting with Chase and then groveling to her dad. What? Oh, short term memory loss.

Foreman thinks the memory loss came from the heart attack, but House doesn’t think anything physical is wrong with Alex at all. He has decided that she has PTSD from sexual abuse at the hands of her father. He also says he can’t really blame him, but I sort of feel like House said that purely for effect. Back to the clinic, where Cuddy is force into clinic duty because House hasn’t shown up. The sympathy pregnancy guy is back, and has grown quite the rack. Nice jumblies, dude!

Upstairs, Foreman chastises House for letting his pain get in the way of making good decisions. House appears contrite, but then he shouts across the crowded room at Alex’s dad: “are you doing your daughter?” Oh, House. In another part of the hospital, Alex has started getting twitchy, so they can’t do an MRI. Her dad’s a little twitchy too, but getting called out for screwing your own daughter will do that to a guy. House promises him doctor-patient confidentiality, and says he gets it. “That heart-shaped ass, those perfect, perky breasts…” The dad gets all angry here, until House reminds him that actually, he was the first one to describe Alex thusly. This is where, for some reason, I start thinking about the Jessica Simpson. And Papa Joe. Oh, Papa Joe, with your verbal diarrhea about Jessica’s titties.

House insists that the dad can prove he loves Alex by admitting he slept with her, because then House can diagnose a mental problem and treat Alex accordingly. So, Papa Joe caves and admits to “one time.” Ugh, that’s awful. House reports back to the Outhouses, but they’ve already diagnosed her with something else. So I guess getting humped by dad is just the icing?

Cameron is already on the moral high ground rampage, insisting that they call Child Protective Services. Everyone else is still trying to figure out how to cure Alex, and House is getting ever grumpier. He screams at Cameron and orders a brain biopsy on Alex. The guys don’t really seem to care about the child molesting, probably because Cameron is worked up enough for everybody. And while I can see where she’s coming from, I feel like her impulse to call CPS is not so much to do right by the child, but to tattle on the dad. Anyone else feel that way?

Alex’s dad doesn’t think Alex needs to know the details about the brain biopsy, but he’s sort of played his hand already with these doctors. “I think she should have a say in what happens to her body,” says Foreman. Oh, Papa Joe got told. Alex is mostly concerned about having to shave her head, but it’s in an overwhelmed sort of way, rather than vanity. So off they go to drill in her brain. Ew! That’s like a catchphrase for watching this show.

House is indisposed at the moment, since he’s undergoing an MRI administered by Wilson. Wilson comes over the intercom pretending to be god, and he and House do a great bit about rescheduling for Thursday. Aw, they’re actually having fun together! House is laughing without sarcasm for the first time ever, at least that I remember. House says god will have to check his schedule with Cameron, to which Wilson replies, “Oh, dammit, she always wants to know why bad things happen.” I LOVE Funny Wilson.

Cuddy comes in and ruins all their fun (just like a woman, am I right?). Wilson says nothing came back from the MRI, so House smacks him in the leg with his cane. What a baby. Back in the control room, we see that House is squeezing his medicine ball in pain, though he’s hiding it from the Outhouses. Cameron is just worried that she’s in trouble, anyway. Such a sniveling little twerp.

Something science-y happens while I’m hating on Cameron, and House goes into Alex’s room and pinches off her IV. She stops twitching, and while this makes Alex and Papa Joe happy, House delivers the sad news that this probably means she has cancer. This episode is all about House, though, so we quickly go to Cuddy’s office, where House asks her to give him a shot of morphine in the spine. He doesn’t want to ask the Outhouses because he doesn’t want them to know he’s in pain, and Wilson won’t do it because he thinks it’s all in House’s head. Cuddy agrees with Wilson, until House pulls down his pants and shows her his scars. It’s also the first time we’ve scene it, and y’all, it’s pretty gnarly. And hate to say it, but this must mean that they’re not actually sleeping together, otherwise Cuddy wouldn’t be shocked by how bad it is. She agrees to get him the morphine.

We get a montage of tests being performed on Alex, and Wilson’s convinced she doesn’t have cancer, but House doesn’t want to give it up. House runs through all the organs, including the ovaries. “No mass; if anything, they’re undersized,” says Wilson. HUH, HOW ABOUT THAT.

Since it must be in her head, according to the doctors, House orders that they replace Alex’s IV with saline. While they wait for that to kick in, a social worker shows up to talk to Alex and Papa Joe. Cameron waits outside and gets all excited when the social worker comes back. This social worker is totally fed up with Cameron, and I have to agree. What exactly did Cameron think was going to happen? That they’d both admit to it? Gah, Cameron is so stupid. The social worker gives her a condescending “I’m sure you meant well,” then leaves.

Cameron thinks she can get the girl to talk, I guess, because she goes into Alex’s room as Chase and Foreman look on. Alex does admit it, but claims she got Papa Joe drunk and seduced him, in a very calculated move to get him to let her do whatever she wants. She also slept with a photographer, her tutor, and her financial manager. It’s her thing. She does it to get her way. Cameron keeps claiming it’s wrong, but Alex asks if Cameron has never hit on her boss. Ha! She’s got Cameron’s number. “I am not that smart,” says Alex. “I am that beautiful.”

With that, Alex starts twitching again. House is off seeing to the sympathy pregnancy guy and his wife, who’s now in labor. House says the guys just has a ton of estrogen….yeah, now the wheels are spinning. He goes and asks Cameron about Alex’s vaginal exam, and schedules an MRI. House and Cameron spot what they’re looking for, and it’s not exactly a tumor. It’s testicles, and Alex has male pseudo-hermaphroditism.

Yeah. Estrogen. Supermodels. Boy parts. This was too easy. Also, it sucks for them that Grey’s Anatomy just did this plotline a few weeks ago. And, this very phenomenon is explained in Middlesex, which is an awesome book that many people have read that talks about how lots of models have this, because it gives you a perfect female figure.

As House explains her condition, we see a CGI fetus developing. Cool! Papa Joe is pretty upset, but I think it might be because he slept with a boy. Alex flips out and takes off her gown to prove that she’s a girl, but hey! That’s science!

That’s all over with, and House goes back to Cuddy asking for another shot. She agrees to give him another shot, but clarifies that it was saline. I love Cuddy so much, y’all don’t even know. She has usurped the master. The show ends with House playing the piano and taking Valium. And I think he’s finally figuring out that something has to change. What do you all think?