House: There’s a Position On My Penis For You

It would appear that I was wrong about this week’s episode only involving House, and possibly taking a break from the whole “Job Interview” plotline that has been prevalent all season long so far. While the plotlines continue to be somewhat strange and much different from the past, I thought this week’s episode was at least entertaining, which at points was lacking last season. Plus, this week had a surprise at the end that I definitely wasn’t expecting, so read on to find out what happened.

Funny car racing? A woman driver? Now I’ve seen everything. The pit guy feels like puking his guts out, and he asks the woman if she’s sure she doesn’t want to go to law school. The woman wins the race, and her mind is playing tricks on her. Everything appears in slow motion, and then she collapses. It beats last week’s coughing fit, but not by much. Also it loses points for involving racing.

At least have the decency to fall asleep behind the wheel like a man would, woman driver!

The doctors are suggesting cases, but House poopoos all of them. Foreman says House has his mind made up already, so House asks about Speed Racer. Foreman says there’s no mystery, she basically just had heat stroke when a suit shows up looking for House. House says the lazy guy is gone, but the suit-man has a picture of him. House leaves Foreman in charge, which means that either Foreman will kill this woman by the end of the episode, or he’ll save her but get fired. Then there’s some more questioning about cute woman’s background, and she’s not giving it up. Literally. And figuratively.

The suit works for the CIA. He says a co-worker is the victim of a possible assassination attempt, so they need to leave ASAP to save him. House is suspicious, so he makes some gay jokes, but he agrees to go. He gets some suggestions from the Houselings (I’m trying that out this week) about Lady Speed Racer, then makes a few more gay jokes and tells them he’ll be back in 45 minutes. House remains skeptical of Mr. CIA, until of course he gets on the roof and sees the helicopter.

Did you hear the one about the gay CIA guy who got into the helicopter?

Foreman and boring doctor get Lady Speed Racer’s history as they give her the once-over. Foreman says they’ll do an MRI, but he’s guessing it’s heat stroke. Then Lady Speed Racer, or should I say Speed Racer Bitch, goes off on how she needs more than a “guess.” What does she want? A cure for her mystery sickness within the first five minutes? He said they’ll do an MRI. As much as I love jumping on Foreman, bitch needs to chill out. Foreman rephrases her statement, but you know he was calling her a bitch with his eyes.

So, remember when House saw the CIA helicopter? Well, he’s magically on a plane now. And “What a Man” starts playing, meaning House’s cell phone is ringing. Foreman wants to know where House is, then gives him the rundown of the tests they’ve done, and he says he’s releasing the patient. I should have pointed out that boring doctor found abnormal deep tendon reflexes, which Foreman thinks is nothing. House says it could be Miller Fisher, but Foreman disagrees. Then he gets another call from cute woman, suggesting Miller Fisher because Speed Racer Bitch had another seizure. Looks like this week is setting up to be “Foreman was right all along” week. Or maybe “Foreman is a terrible doctor, and the newbies are better. At least some of them.”

Don’t worry, you’re on one of MyFaves, we can talk all day for free!

Suddenly Foreman is telling SRB and her dad they think she has Miller Fisher. And guess who’s being a bitch to Foreman: Speed Racer Bitch. She wants Dr. House, and she doesn’t think Foreman knows what he’s doing. I know I’m pretty strongly in the Foreman is a bitch camp, but he’s seriously not a terrible doctor, and he’s probably a pretty solid replacement for House. And, again, because this bitch is a drag racer she has no patience to be in a hospital for more than 2 hours or so? I would think one might want a thorough search to find what’s wrong immediately. We’re ten minutes in and I already loathe her.

Now House is at CIA headquarters, wherever that may be. He makes a joke about it looking better on 24 (cross-promotion!) until he sees the sexy lady doctor, who makes him take it back. Suddenly he’s charming, helpful House. Donnie Darko’s dad makes an appearance as a specialist from the Mayo Clinic. House insults him as “What a Man” starts playing again. The caller ID says it’s cut throat bitch, so House ignores it.

Cut throat thinks this is a test, and Foreman is reporting back to House how everyone performs. Foreman proves she’s stupid because SRB is extremely uncooperative, and then boring doctor blames Foreman for making them all look like idiots. Why is he still around? He’s useless. The doctors decide they could use House’s tactics and trick the woman into accepting treatment, and Kal says since she’s never met House, it could work. Foreman storms off, saying they won’t act like House, and the Houselings just sit there.

Foreman walks into SRB’s room and admits he made a mistake. What a turd. Her father looks up, and holy shit I just noticed he’s Biff! He then proves my point by giving Foreman a noogie and calling him McFly. SRB mumbles off some gibberish and starts to pass out. Biff wants Foreman to start treatment, but Miller Fisher doesn’t explain delirium, so they’re back to having no idea what’s wrong.

Maybe a wedgie will help you figure it out.

House, his sexy lady doctor friend, and Donnie Darko’s dad are walking to see the patient, and there is not much information they can be given, as most of it is confidential. House makes a joke, and sexy lady doctor smiles a little. She wants it. As they walk up to the patient, DD’s dad (Sydney from here on out) says “Good Lord.” House sarcastically calls him professional, then when sexy lady doctor says the man was perfectly healthy five days ago, House can only mutter “Cool.”

Foreman and the Houselings try to discuss what could possibly be wrong now, and cut throat is still calling House. Foreman tells her she won’t get the job just because she’s constantly calling him. Fire her. Everyone throws out suggestions, and cut throat agrees with creepy doctor, at which point he tells her to stop flirting with him. Foreman thinks it’s MS, and boring doctor gets on his case about it, which would be cooler if I actually liked him. They ask if they can run their own tests, since not many people are trusting Foreman’s abilities right now, so Foreman gives them 3 hours.

House hassles Sydney on his theory about being poisoned by horse chestnuts, and the writers are doing a pretty good job of making the Mayo Clinic doctor look terribly inept. Then House starts on a rant that if they don’t know anything about the locale this man was in, they’re basically useless in finding out what’s wrong. Sexy lady doctor says all she was told was that he spent the last 11 months in Bolivia. House has concluded that the guy is an alky, and he’s just got pancreatitis, along with sunburn and some infections. Sexy lady doctor says he’s not a drinker. Sydney suggests some elaborate radiation poisoning, and sexy lady doctor decides to test for that instead.

She apparently doesn’t know the key to House’s pants lies in making him feel like he’s right all the time, just like he makes himself feel. Hmm, I wonder if there’s some sort of double meaning in that last sentence. Regardless, Sydney administers the test, and then House goes on some sort of rant about drinking and being poisoned, and I don’t really see how it pertains to anything unless it was planting a seed of doubt/causing guilt in the sick guy, so I’ll ignore it.

Bam chicka bam bam

The Houselings’ three hours are up, so it’s time to see what the results of the various tests are. Kal is going to read the results, and he does a great job. Black doctor and cute woman were wrong, and she did test positive for MS. But the results could also mean she has lupus. Foreman is stubborn on treating for both, and he says he’s not going to do it just because the doctors who suggested lupus think they’ll win a prize if they’re right. If you’re a doctor who’s been wrong in the past, it’s good to not let that cloud your mind if you’re sure you’re right. However, maybe you just suck if you’re wrong a lot. So I can’t decide if Foreman is doing a good thing here or not.

Cut throat and creepy both think it could still be lupus, so they go to tattle to Cameron. Ahh, Cameron. She’s not going to sell Foreman out, and cut throat sucks up to her. It works, and Cameron gives them a clue. So now SRB’s fever is dropping, but they’re not sure which treatment worked. Cut throat and creepy snuck in and gave the woman lupus treatment in addition to the MS treatment she was given. Foreman is pissed, and as he’s ranting, Biff calls the doctors into SRB’s room. Suddenly her legs are numb, and she doesn’t think she can even move them. Dun dun dun, ominous stares around the room…

House is in the room with sick CIA guy, and he’s eating. The vitals are stabilizing, meaning Sydney was right. House makes a semi-lewd comment to sexy lady doctor, and she pretends to be offended, but you totally know she wasn’t. They mention that House is cheery for being proven wrong, but he says he’s being proven right. Patient hasn’t puked in 6 hours, but House is eating his lunch, so there’s nothing in there to puke. Aside from that, treating pancreatitis only involves withholding nutrients and antibiotics. Also, House stopped the radiation-poison test. So it looks like House was right, and he can now shove it in Sydney’s face. Except, oops, sick guy isn’t responding.

Foreman is still pissed at creepy and cut throat, and he’s staring down creepy. Kal is trying to get everybody back to the matter at hand, but first Foreman needs to rant. Cut throat sells out Cameron, and cute woman tries, again, to get Foreman back on task. Then he says House is a bad person. It’s amazing how easily it is for me to begin hating Foreman. I’m reluctant to like him, but I feel bad for him, and I slowly begin to come around, then boom, he hates on House.

Anyways, they decide to check SRB’s house for confirmation of something, and they’re going to begin treatment assuming whatever they thinks is wrong is correct. Boring doctor says he thinks it’s polio. Everyone treats him like he’s crazy, but he says he’s seen it. Foreman doesn’t go for it, and he tells boring to take a personal day. Then he tells him to go home. Boring doctor says Foreman can’t fire him, but Foreman says he can kick boring doctor off his case. See, now I’m terribly torn, so I can’t root for either of these guys. And Speed Racer Bitch is obviously a bitch, so I don’t even care if they cure her or not.

Sydney is ranting about how unethical House is, but House pulls sick CIA guy’s hair, and it doesn’t come out in clumps, like it would if he’d been radiation-poisoned. House then says it’s blood cancer. Sydney’s sticking to his radiation-poisoned guns, but sexy lady doctor says she’ll begin treatment for blood cancer because she agrees with House, despite his tactics.

Cameron goes to treat a patient, but it’s actually Foreman sitting on the patient’s bed. He sent her patient home because she just had a headache. Cameron disagrees with his diagnosis, and they argue a little. Then Foreman says that she taught him a lesson, because messing with other people’s patients makes him look like an officious bitch.

Diagnosis: Passive Aggression

So Cameron goes to bitch to Chase about it. The less I see of Chase, the more I like him. Chase says he thinks what Foreman did is funny, then they argue about Cameron doing something that House would have done. Then Chase says she’s way too involved in House’s team to not be involved with his team, so she should let it, and him (House), go.

The CIA patient is stabilizing, so it looks like House was right with blood cancer. Sexy lady doctor makes a torture joke, and you know she totally wants her a piece of House. She says they need to consult an oncologist, so House gives Wilson a call. Wilson doesn’t believe House is at CIA HQ, so House tells him to call the HQ and give them the room extension. While they wait, House offers sexy lady doctor a position on his penis. He meant staff of course, but it’s not as funny. And gizza-gazza just doesn’t make as much sense. She declines, and she mentions that she knows everyone recently left his staff en masse. Then Wilson calls back, gives the dose, and he gets nervous that the CIA has done a background check on him. He must have something to hide, but it’s not the heroin he brought back from Afghanistan like House says it is.

Foreman is talking to Biff, and SRB is getting worse. Boring doctor knocks on the glass door, and Biff goes on to say that Foreman can’t be wrong again. Otherwise it’s death-noogies and atomic wedgies for life. Boring doctor knocks again, and this time Foreman goes out to talk to him. SRB tested positive for polio. Foreman was wrong. That’s the third time this episode. He’s making a great impression on all of these doctors who don’t know him.

House goes to check on sick CIA guy, and he says he’s still feeling like crap. He also mentions that his hair has started coming out, and he wonders if it’s the chemo. Uh-oh, House says it shouldn’t be coming out this soon. So House concludes two things: it’s not cancer, and sick guy actually was the target of an assassination attempt.

Sydney is now yelling at House for being wrong, and at sexy lady doctor for being inexperienced. He thinks there’s no way the man’s life can be saved now. Then House remembers a treatment that’s derived from a toxin that exists in caterpillars or something. It’s been proven to work…in monkeys.

Foreman apologizes for being wrong, then creepy berates him a little because he’s self-centered, and Kal says not to forget he’s self-pitying. Thank you Kal. Since there’s no cure for polio, they can really only treat it, but then boring suggests using vitamin C to cure it. Not the singer if that’s what you were thinking. And why would you be thinking that? Foreman then argues about the use in giving her vitamin C, and boring says if there’s one thing Foreman should have learned today, it should be that he can be wrong. Boom, fucker.

Fine. Ignore the cure.

So House is using an experimental treatment, and the Houselings are using an experiment treatment. See the parallels? I know it’s difficult to see, but they’re there, trust me. House gives sick guy some tea, then sick guy wants to talk and tell him about the trip. House only want to hear about it if it’s interesting, and after about 15 seconds, he says it isn’t. More story, that doesn’t really mean anything to me, but House says the celebration the guy was talking about only lasts 8 days in Bolivia, and the guy said it lasted 40 days.

He then barges into sexy lady doctor’s office and calls her an idiot. He then corrects himself, and says whoever said the guy was stationed in Bolivia is an idiot, because he was in Brazil. And he ate a shitload of Brazil nuts, which have Selenium, so he got Selenium poisoning. The CIA guy, the one who originally tracked down House, only want to know if it can be treated. House says yes, so he asks what the problem is. “You’re an idiot,” says sexy lady doctor.

Dude. Moisturizer isn’t just for girls anymore.

SRB is getting her vitamin C fix, and Biff is watching in anticipation. She starts shivering, and boring doctor explains it’s just part of it. Foreman pricks her toe, and she feels it. It’s apparently working, and Foreman, again, gets this “I can’t believe I was wrong” face, like it’s not the 4th time he’s been wrong this episode. Bastard.

House leaves CIA HQ after some heavy flirting with sexy lady doctor, and Cameron apologizes to Foreman and says she’s having trouble leaving the job, but she liked doing whatever it takes to cure someone. House walks in the next day to the classroom, and the Houselings say they cured SRB for polio. Foreman comes in and says, no, they didn’t, it was something else. Turns out boring doctor poisoned SRB and faked a lab test. He reasons that he did what he had to do, and House says he’s not going to fire him. But he’s going to make him quit. House then says he’s going to let boring doctor get away before Foreman calls the cops on him. He then asks the doctors who he left in charge, and he says there’s a reason for that, and they should listen to him.

House an Cuddy have a small exchange about clinic hours that wasn’t pertinent to the plot, so I left it out, and as House walks out, he sees sexy lady doctor waiting for him. She’s going to take him up on his offer. The spot on his wiener. Oh, the other offer, she’s going to take him up on the job offer.

I’d love to work under you.

So this throws a curveball to the whole job interview thing. And we lose one doctor, but we gain one. I would much rather see sexy lady doctor than boring doctor though. I seriously do think she will be incredibly more interesting. So does this mean she gets the job, or she’s just interviewing? Who do you think is the next doctor out the door? Can they please end this ‘interview’ plotline quickly? It’s seriously almost as annoying as the cop one last year (ok, it’s still a ways from that annoying, but it needs to end).