House: You’ve Got a Little Something On Your Face

House was a great episode this week, if you consider great to mean disappointing. This job interview thing is just getting more and more drawn out. And it’s not even like most of the characters are likable. But you can’t even figure that out since rather than taking one character (or two or three) and developing them, they’re trying to minimally develop like 6 characters. If this thing doesn’t wrap up soon, I’ll write a letter to the writers. Do they deliver mail to picket lines? So join me to find out what happened this week. My recap should only make you marginally more disappointed than the actual episode.

Even he has to shake himself awake.

We start out in black and white, and some guy is on the phone. A little girl in the background screams, and we see what she’s screaming at. Some guy has elephantitis? A Tumor? Some mole on his face. Except, instead of a mole, it’s more like his face is a mole on this giant growth. He tells the camera in 36 hours he’s scheduled for surgery, and he’ll fit in after. Cut to Chase telling the camera he’s doing a facial bipartition. As he’s being prepped, the heart starts racing. Chase yells to get the camera out of there as they defibrillate. Chase yells again…and credits.

Would I sound greedy if I asked for a nose job, too?

Cuddy explains the situation to House, who just stares at the camera, not listening to what she’s saying. Chase says that the reconstructive surgery is on hold until they can find out what’s wrong with this kid. Cuddy and House then have a discussion about House hating the cameras and causing brain farts for his staff, while they cause Cuddy to wear open-tipped bras. Cuddy gives House the ultimatum that he either allows the cameras or he can’t diagnose the kid. I’m not really sure, is that punishment?

In the classroom, sexy lady doctor is getting questioned by the other doctors, and cut throat, as usual, bitches. Foreman’s gone, so House wants to take them to his office. House loses the camera in a testing room. Cut throat wants to know why sexy lady doctor got hired. Annoying already. Someone asks if the kid is light-headed, and House says he’s certainly not. What caused the bighead? Heart defect comes from sexy lady doctor. Cut throat asks again. Fuck you. Seriously. Shut up. I know it’s harder to hate scripted characters, because they’re written to be that way, but it’s not going to stop me. Sexy lady doctor wants a firm offer, not this interview bullshit. I’ll give her a firm offer. No, House will.

Is she an idiot? House rethinks hiring her, to Wilson. He can’t fire her, because he just hired her, And she left the CIA for his job. Guilt from House? Is that even possible? Oh, well, she’s attractive, so that’s probably why.

Has bighead done drugs? Kal is doing a lot of backtracking after saying stupid things in front of the camera. He looks like an idiot. Remember conjoined fetus nurse from South Park? Bighead kind of looks like that, except the fetus isn’t a fetus, and it’s on his forehead instead of on the side of his face.

Cuddy gets interviewed about House. I’m confused about what kind of documentary this is. About House, the kid? Why follow House so much? Talking to Cuddy? Seems pointless. House wants to stop the kid’s heart to seeif the problem is drug-related.

Creepy is going to do the procedure, and then he has a heart to heart with bighead. He’s not going to get this job ultimately. Are the writers just seeing which doctors test best with the crowd? Why are some of these people still around? Bighead says he did a lot of coke, and then LSD or acid. He’s lying obviously. And he starts coughing blood, but it looks chunky. Awesome.

We find out that the documentary is for theatrical release, which I didn’t mention earlier. Kal’s dressed up, poser. Cut throat’s wearing lipstick. It’s being shown in black and white sweetie, tough shit with the lipstick. Sexy lady doctor suggests something, House says good, and Foreman says it’s way wrong. Creepy has been wrong a lot in the past, why is he still here? Creepy is talking to black doctor as they’re pissing, complaining about House. But creepy won’t stick up for himself on camera only to lose. Probably a good thing that the cameras didn’t follow them into the bathroom.

Is it true what they say about Jewish guys?

Creepy tells the dad what’s going on, and then says he’s in good hands. It’s great to look incompetent on camera. It’s a tough situation for creepy, but still, he looks incompetent. Wilson makes shit up to the crew about House, saying he’s a witch. House comes in, and he thinks sexy lady doctor is making him dumb. What about cute girl? She killed a guy. Bitch? She’s a bitch. Wilson says to ask sexy lady doctor out when House gets a text that bighead is puking blood again. Fuck, we missed it!

Crew doesn’t want to look wrong so they won’t suggest sicknesses. Sexy lady doctor is ok with it. But she’s dumb. Cute woman goes next. The camera crew interviews Cameron and asks her why she’s no longer on House’s team. Great, now it’s time for them to make this about House. This is dumb. Watch, Cameron will look like she loves him. Oh, wow, she actually said she loves him. Freudian slip much? Then she said something about erotic, and then she’s backtracking. Smooth. Very smooth.

The handjob was just too much for me. I mean job blow. I sucked. I mean…I didn’t know how to swallow. The ABUSE! Get out of here!

Dad hates creepy doctor. Hello sexy legs and short skirt on cut throat. Anyways, creepy thinks he’s right. He argues with House, and House asks if he wants to lose the argument on camera. Again, creepy looks at the camera. This time he tells the dad what he thinks. And he says he thinks he can get House thrown off the case. God I can’t wait for this to backfire and get him off the show.

Cuddy, creepy and House are in Cuddy’s office, and House is wondering why the father refused steroid treatment. House is suspicious he’s been sold out, so he begins questioning why creepy took this job when he’s a plastic surgeon. Then he tells creepy he’s fired. Hmm, following the same line as last week. Why do I think creepy won’t actually be fired now? Cuddy tells him to get out, but he’s not fired…yet. Damnit, such a tease.

Foreman and creepy doctor are performing a CT scan on bighead, and then they get into some emotional crap about what you see when you’re a plastic surgeon. Meanwhile, House goes to see creepy’s old employer under the guise of wanting plastic surgery, but he’s really trying to find out why creepy doesn’t work there anymore. He could have just called, since he has creepy’s resume, but whatever.

How much would it cost to make me pretty on the inside?

They get the results of the CT scan and House, creepy and the camera crew go as they show Cuddy. House and creepy disagree, obviously. I get that House is working his way through the Houselings, one each week, riding them until he can decide who he wants on his staff. But if the point is to cure people, doesn’t that seem kind of counterproductive? I mean, I get that he’s House, but why is everyone so hostile (especially creepy this week)? Anyways, turns out creepy lied to his wife about why he left his old job. He was caught messing around with a nurse, and apparently he’s addicted to infidelity. And suddenly, this episode just got a lot sexier. Except not really at all.

After all that, Cuddy agrees with House, and House is allowed to treat the bighead with steroids. House goes in, says bighead is ugly. Then there’s a discussion about how the family doesn’t trust House, but they trust creepy, and House says the surgery isn’t important in saving his life. The kid goes into a diatribe, about waah waah, my face is deformed. Come on, my face is deformed too. I’m abnormally attractive, but do you think I complain about it all time?

Don’t judge me til you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.

Wilson and House break into where the camera footage is stored. They look at the video of sexy lady doctor being wrong. House is worried that sexy lady doctor is around only because she’s hot. Now House has become ‘that guy’. I fail to see the problem in this, but House says he’s going to fire all ladies. Elsewhere, Cameron is talking to herself in the mirror, trying to qualify when she said ‘I love House.’ and she’s doing it in front of Chase. He’s just ok with her obsession with House?

Creepy still thinks he’s right. House agrees that he’s right. Methinks he gave in too easily. And I’m right. You’re wrong creepy, and House rubs it in a little in front of bighead and his dad. Then the kid says House will look like butt after he gets the reconstructive surgery and cured. There’s a lot of House hating going on this week. But House notices finger twitching, and, fuck you creepy, you’re wrong. I’m really hoping sexy lady doctor has had something right all along, but because it was so bizarre they kept writing it off. Come on sexy lady doctor.

So there’s a new symptom, and all of the doctors are offering possible diseases. Creepy then asks why House can’t accept that he’s cured the kid, and thinks House wants to prevent bighead from getting the surgery. And here we go with the fucking psychoanalysis, except this time it’s creepy doing it, rather than someone who actually has known him for a while. This is all on camera too. Somehow the decision comes about that if they allow bighead’s heart to work on its own, he’s cured. Just as a precaution, House brings Kal, a “professional defibrillist” with for the procedure.

Anyone else scared for elephant man?

End result: bighead is cured, so now he can get his surgery. House still isn’t convinced according to the music montage. The documentary team asks about the surgery, and cute woman is still in surgery also. She’s also not convinced bighead is cured, and she sees something the could explain the twitching, which actually was a new symptom. Lyme disease was suggested earlier by her, but there was no rash to prove it. Apparently the rash was hiding under, no not the growth, but bighead’s hair, so now he can be treated and cured. Hooray for happy endings!

I’m kind of disturbed that this is the telling symptom of Lyme disease.

At the end of the day, it’s time to fire someone. Creepy had originally applied for a plastic surgery position, but he had to sign a non-compete in return for everyone at his old job keeping their mouth shut about his cheating on his wife. House won’t fire him because he’s “interesting.” Fuuuuuuck. Sexy lady doctor is asked to stand, and she looks awesome. House has to rectify the situation of her being a bad doctor but looking hot. So he fires her. Then he asks her out. She gathers her things and walks out without saying anything.

Cuddy and House are watching an early screening of the documentary. House is portrayed as charming, which he hates, especially because it seemed like was trying to make everyone around him look incompetent; specifically Cuddy and creepy. Cuddy loves it though. And it is seriously one of the lamest endings ever.

And just like that, we’ve got the newest cover of GQ.

I didn’t think this was a very good episode. Too much creepy, sexy lady doctor hired then fired, lame ending. Next week looks a little more promising, as we appear to delve into the live of cute woman doctor. Also, the sick guy is a magician, so I will forewarn everyone I may be making a lot of GOB Bluth jokes. What did you think of this episode though? Did sexy lady doctor get a fair shake? Can you believe they’re still drawing out this job interview bullshit? Is Chase on the verge of getting sick of Cameron’s obsession with House, even though they’re secondary characters now?