I Love Money: …and Chi Chi’s!

Is it just me or are these people actually using their minds and behaving?  These people have become serious about winning the $250k…i didn’t say they became smarter, but they have definitely become more serious.

The episode begins with Chi Chi being bright eyed and bushy tailed.  He goes around and wakes everyone up ever so kindly.  It’s in this moment we learn that Chi Chi will do anything to win this money…”help out the kids.”  My first thought is, “who the f*ck had kids with him?” Sleeping with Chi Chi to me is the the definition of creepy…but I learned fairly quickly that he intends to split the money 3 ways with the Make a Wish Foundation.  Yeah, the math IS definitely off there- some for me, some for the kids, some for meeeeee……

Punisher ain’t buying Chi Chi’s whole “I’m a nice guy” facade and Garth just wants him to start taking his meds again.

CHI CHI’S BREAKFAST OF CHOICE!!

Punisher proclaims that he is in fact a jerk but it’s okay because he is smarter than everyone else in the house…he’s 3 steps ahead of everybody else.  I would usually think this was foreshadowing who was going to get kicked off by the end of the episode, anyone whose cockiness is highlighted is usually gone by the end of the night, but in this house I kind of think Punisher is right.  He is the smartest person in this VH-1 house, but in the real world that ain’t sayin’ much my friend.  But with this we know that Punisher has the target on his back.  Who wants a smart person in the house?  They probably all just want a house full of tequila, sex toys, and antibacterial gel.

“HI, I’M PUNISHER…I’M SMART, I’M SHIRTLESS, AND DOGGONNIT PEOPLE LIKE ME!”

The house gets called out by the host for the routine picking of the captain and we get:  PUNISHER for the Gold Team!!!  and 6 GAUGE for the Green Team!!!  Okay producers, this is what we call OBVIOUS interference.  The 2 big guys who are in a bit of an alliance with each other are now in opposition!  As if I believe that didn’t happen on purpose.  Sigh, what will happen when 2 friends become 2 foes??  The challenge hint is for everyone to get in touch with their wild side, because it is time to unleash the beast.   Sassy says, she will  ”unleash her beast” and I’m left wondering if  it will be a Gordita or a Chalupa. Oh please universe, let this challenge involve nudity, a bear skin rug, and Taco Bell.

JUST PLAIN FRIGHTENING.

The Green team rallies and let’s 6 Gauge know that everyone wants Punisher out…they want to convince 6 Gauge that getting “Pun” out is the best thing to do.  So 6 Gauge approaches Blonde Baller on the Gold Team to see if she can convince her teammates to throw the challenge.  This way the Green Team will win and be able to vote Punisher out.  But here is where the foreshadowing really happens…out of nowhere Blonde Baller mentions a “Golden Lock.”  What the hell is that?  I have never heard of such a thing before!  Apparently, each challenge could possibly offer up a “Golden Lock” which goes to the person on the losing team of a challenge who performed the best.  HMMMMM- it has become quite apparent that this challenge is rigged… at least I think so.  But I’m no Punisher, so who knows.

THIS IS HOW I HOPE THE GOLDEN LOCK IS USED!

The teams roll up to the challenge and as Blonde Baller describes it, it is a, “big building with fire…”  okay, everyone let’s be clear…the “building” is a wooden cut out of maybe a house frame and some ladders, with fake looking bricks at the bottom.  And the fire..  the fire is red fabric cut out in the shape of flames with some smoke behind it!!!  I’ve seen better backdrops at my high school prom.

The challenge is called “Save the Animals” and is loosely based on the vocal stylings of the girls from one of the Real Chance of Love shows…they all sang a song called “Animals are Awesome.”  You know what’s awesome?  This show.

Each member of both teams has to run up the ladders to the top of the “big building that’s on fire” and grab a couple of stuffed animals out of a box along the way, thereby “saving” them.  Each person is timed and the team with the fastest average time wins the challenge.

EVEN PEE WEE WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO HANDLE REAL ANIMALS!!!

And here we have the catch- there is a Golden Lock on this challenge.  So the person on the losing team who has the fastest time, will be safe from elimination. Producers, pat yourselves on the back, no one saw this coming.

The team’s select the order of who is going to go first, and of course smarty pants Punisher puts himself last on his team so he can see who gets the fastest time, which will be the time he has to beat.  That’s so like him, to think 3 steps ahead of everyone.

First up is Mindy vs. Brittanya.  No need to wonder who won there.  Mindy’s tight little body flew up the building really fast.  While Brittanya realized she is afraid of heights and had never been up that high.  I have to admit, at first I thought she said she’s never been high…but she’s from Oxnard so I know that is not true.

Next is Cisco vs. Sassy.  Sassy did some serious tuck and roll because her leopard print shorts are so tiny that anything could fall out at any time.  Thank God for doublestick tape.  Cisco, of course hauls ass and beats Sassy, who has to pretend her teammates are people she cares about to make her way to the top.

Then it’s 6 Gauge vs. Blonde Baller.  If you can’t figure out who won that round then you need to talk with Punisher who can educate you.

Up next is Feisty vs. Hot Wings…and here we have one of those special TV  moments..when embarrassing things happen to good people  Feisty falls!!!!  And she hits her head TWICE!!!  hahaha rather than worry about having a concussion or any brain damage (i mean, any MORE brain damage) she says, “i’m definitely worried that my face just got f*cked up…like, that’s not cool.”  You wanna know what’s not cool?  That you were wearing a helmet and the wood beam you hit was padded… ouch…  that was mean.  What I’m amazed by, and it gets no attention at all after Feisty-Fail, is that Hot Wings beat Mindy’s time by 1 second!  HOT WINGS DRINK OF CHOICE GAVE HER WINGS SO SHE COULD FLYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Cornfed vs. Garth is next, and I just want to say that anyone should be able to beat Garth.  Anyone!!!

HE HAS A MULLET PEOPLE!

But Garth schools us all and let’s us know that, “Even though I’m a little heavier set than everybody else, and a lot older- I don’t think they can do the same sh*t that I can do. I don’t think they can drop in a 15′ vertical pool and grind frontside over some concrete and then swing back outta the pool and  go shag a friend’s girlfriend for 4 1/2 hours straight; then get up and hit a club and then uhhh, and that’s all without drugs.”  I will take a moment’s pause here, to really absorb that, you should do the same.

Then it’s Chi Chi vs. Brooklyn (who are you??)…and the little spider monkey that could flies up the ladders…but forgets to save the animals.  wah wah.  So Chi Chi has to rush back down to grab them, but is fast to enough to literally tie Brooklyn- ya know the guy with the overly waxed eyebrows..you know him right?

So last up is Punisher, who can apparently “cockulate” stuff in his head because he’s a “numbers” guy…okaaaayyy…and he remembers everyone’s time so he knows that his team is all good for the win.  And with that the Gold Team does in fact win!  Punisher is now the Pay Master and he wants Chi Chi and Francisco up for elimination.  And 6 Guage had the fastest time on the Green Team so he wins the Golden Lock, protecting him, but means the Green Team is going to have to figure out who the 3rd person up for elimination will be…

As they arrive back to the house, Punisher and his keen sense of observation, notice that Chi Chi is a little out of sorts and is mentally cracking.  Punisher proceeds to push Chi Chi’s buttons and gets him all riled up.  Now, I’ve heard the story of David and Goliath..and I know they say David won…but Chi Chi, don’t get all up in Punisher’s face!!!  Chi’s (My new nickname for him), you are about 1/3 his size!!!  But it’s all too much for the Chi’s and he actually takes a swing at Punisher!  And all Punisher can do is laugh and say, “Don’t swing at the big black guy, it’s not good for your health.”  HA HA nor is it good strategy!  If Chi’s wants to stick around, trying to hit the guy who can send you home is not smart.  But in a house full of dumb people (minus Punisher of course) I guess it makes sense.

THIS IS CHI CHI!!!!

Chi’s realizes he keeps “f*ckin’ up” and apologizes to Punisher, who is now interested solely in getting Mindy to get the vote locked,  meaning the Green Team can’t decide who goes in the box for elimination, thus allowing the Gold Team, namely Punisher, the opportunity to pick the 3 people from Green Team who will be up for elimination.  But Chi’s and Cisco don’t know about this strategy, and they approach Cornfed about having all 3 girls, herself, Feisty, and Mindy voted into the box and then Punisher would obviously kick off Mindy because she’s the strongest of them.  So once in the vault, the girls surprise the guys by voting all of them in…but the guys are voting the girls in… stalemate.  The time is ticking, and as the 15 minutes end the Green Team is not able to come to a decision and everything works out the way Punisher wanted.  Punisher picks Chi’s, Cisco, and Feisty.

The power outing begins with a Mexican rodeo and lunch….and Cisco and Chi’s try to persuade Punisher to let the other one go.  I would like to point out here that Feisty definitely must have learned her lesson the last time she was on a power outing- she is not even drinking.

Chi’s gets the extra 15 minutes to try and convince Punisher to keep him.  Chi’s completely prepared with a whole scenario of how he and Cornfed will offer up an alliance if Chi’s stays…lies I tell you, lies!!!  And of course, Pun being so smart, approaches Cornfed about what Chi’s said and let’s just say she is less than convincing because she has no clue what is going on!

THIS IS HOW I ENVISION CORNFED’S MIND

So we finally get to it- who will Punisher eliminate?  We know it won’t be Feisty- yay save the little fox!  We know Punisher has always had it out for Cisco and this is the perfect time to let him go.  But we know the entire episode has been about Chi Chi and Punisher so my money is on Chi’s going.  Even though he says one of the funniest lines of the entire episode, ” Yeah, hopefully the tour don’t end here.”  haha  poor Mindy is immediately taken back to Rock of Love and losing Brett Michaels.

But after much consideration, Punisher let’s Chi Chi go.  Booooooooo.  I’m going to miss that little Spider Monkey and his silly little ways.  This leaves us with 12 people.  Who will be let go next time???