I Love Money: And So Does Garth’s Momma

Hello Money Lovers!!  I am so ready to see what crazy antics these kids are up to this week in Mexico!!!  I am hoping it is more entertaining than the past couple of weeks.  I feel like all of the people who did crazy stupid stuff are gone, and we are now down to biz-nass.  I just want a little bit of dramz…a hookup would suffice…. a drunken tantrum… any kind of tomfoolery is welcome.

I am going to go out on a limb and predict that the Green Team will win this time around and that they will send Punisher home.  I don’t feel overly confident, but if I am right, then it is VEGAS HERE I COME!!!!

The show begins and I have high hopes for there to be a lot of silly things going on.  Brittanya rolls out of bed with Punisher and says, “I’m sore.”  Uhhhhh okay!  That one is too easy.  We move on to Garth rambling on…does anyone ever understand what the hell he is saying or talking about?  He says, “We have gaven some people in the house a fake sense of security…” Wow!  I would say the only thing you have “gaven” anyone is an STD but the reality is, the only thing you have ever “gaven” anyone is a headache.  He goes on to talk about “Mud Ducks” and I am at a loss.  What the f*ck is a mud duck?  According to the Urban Dictionary and I am given the following 3 options:

1.  A female with less than admirable attributes

2.  An atrocious looking female.  This girl has to be so horrible that she doesn’t even qualify as a duck

3.  A white chick that dates the black guys

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW AND MORE

So please feel free to insert whichever definition fits most appropriately into these Garth-onian statements: ”We need to get rid of a couple of Mud Ducks.”; “The most important mud duck that I want to get rid of is Blonde Baller.”  I know that neither of these would use definition #3 as that is now reserved for Brittanya…I don’t think that Garth has a leg to stand on in calling anyone else a mud duck for being atrocious looking… that’s the pot calling the kettle black.  So it must be definition numero uno!!  Thank you Urban Dictionary for helping me understand WTF Garth is saying.

PLEASE INSERT FACES OF BLONDE BALLER, HOT WINGS, AND SASSY- THE ANTI-PUNISHER MUD DUCK ALLIANCE

Brittanya agrees with Garth that Blonde Baller is the worst.  She says that BB has started to piss her off and that BB has some issues…those issues are the following:  she’s always like trying to argue with people, and she’s trying to get her last word.  Okay Brittanya, let’s not start rattling off your issues okay doll face.

And on that note we are outside to pick team captains…or maybe not!!!  The host, (who by the way, I also have no clue who he is or where he came from) informs us that there will be NO MORE TEAM CAPTAINS!!!!  This means that each challenge will be individual.  So if you win the challenge, you become Pay Master and they can choose whomever they want to be up for elimination… with the exception of one person who will automatically be up for elimination-  the person who comes in last place in the challenge.  This will completely disrupt Punisher’s plans because if one of his alliance ends up in last place he could lose them, and if one of his enemies wins and becomes Pay Master, then they could vote him in.  Guess you can only think 3 steps ahead for so long Pun.

I THINK THE CREATING FANTASIES PART IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!

The now individual challengers head into the house to prepare for the day’s challenge and we find Mindy and Francisco chatting about how to stay out of the drama and hopefully out of the box for elimination.  We know these two have had a bit of a crush on each other for a while now, but Mindy takes it another step further by saying, “I know we’re in a game, I love money, but there’s no reason why I can’t maybe find love here too.”  Oh sweetheart, there is a bigger pond with better fish out there…I promise.  Don’t hold your cookies for someone in this crowd…UNLESS they win the money, then you have my approval

Just as everyone is ready to go the weather stops cooperating…Garth goes outside and feels a drip of water; so he takes it upon himself to chant to the rain gods- “Calling all the rain gods.  STOP.  I want to win challenge.  Send home person with blonde hair. Calling all my ancestors to come together, make it right… do not rain tonight.”  Now, he chants this while using a specific dialect… a Native American dialect… there is no way Garth has that ancestry.  If he did then what the hell kind of name is Garth?  It must mean Garth- idiot who says dumb things, wears bad clothes, has a mommy complex, has crazy eyes and yells at the rain.

THIS IS ABOUT AS NATIVE AMERICAN AS GARTH WILL EVER BE

It must have worked because the challenge goes on!!!  And this challenge is hysterical because it is based on all the hands that fly up when getting into an argument, and it is called “Talk to the Hand.”

“OH NO YOU DIN’T!!!”

So in this challenge everyone has to put their hand in a giant hand that is attached to a rope, that is attached to a vat full of some nasty trash.  So if you can leave your hand up the longest you win!!  Garth says this challenge should be easy because, “I’m a plumber, it’s easy for me to keep my arm above my head.”  Okay, look, again, what the hell is he talking about?  I think VH-1 should make a book full of Garth quotes and sell it.  I think it would make an excellent gift to any of my friends.

The challenge begins and immediately Brooklyn “Who the F*ck Are you?” starts comparing holding one’s arm above your head to different types of torture including that of Chinese water boarding.  Brooklyn- be for real would you!  Hold your frickin’ arm above your head and get over it!  It’s not illegal!  It cannot hurt more than getting your eyebrows waxed, and you seem to have done that A LOT!

I THINK THIS IS BROOKLYN’S EYEBROW WAXING INSPIRATION

Punisher and Garth immediately try to call BB out for cheating because she is resting her head on her arm (Really guys, you can’t come up with something better than this?)  Pun refers to this as “psychological warfare.”  How the hell do you people exist in the real world??  WAIT- I just had a huge revelation!  None of these people can function in the real world, hence why they go on these shows.  Sigh.  I feel a lot better now that I understand.

And then, something so amazingly wonderful and perfect happens….Punisher is so overly distracted by trying to get into BB’s head with all of his crafty psychological warfare, that he loses his concentration and is the first one out!!! OH SNAP!!!!!  This is a very serious game changer if one of his enemies is Pay Master!  It will be bye bye Punisher for all of us, and helloooooo Las Vegas for me.

We then lose Brooklyn, 6 Gauge, Francisco… which leaves Garth and Brittanya as the only people who can really save Punisher by winning and becoming Pay Master.  Next we lose Hot Wings.. and as we hit the 25 minute mark we are left with Garth, BB, Sassy, Mindy, Cornfed and Brittanya.  BB makes some kind of comment about Garth’s mama, which apparently is a big mistake, huge!  Now he’s gonna keep his arm up forever.

THIS IS WHAT GARTH WANTED TO WEAR DURING THE CHALLENGE…

One hour has passed and we lose Cornfed…then Sassy…then Mindy… and it concludes with something so amazingly disappointing.  BB drops the hand wah wah wah.  We end with Garth and Brittanya battling it out for Pay Master, and Brittanya wins.  I must give her some mad props because she held her arm over her head for an hour and 47 minutes.  HOLY SH*T!  I think she must have been that girl in class who always raised her hand to answer a question and that’s how she built up her strength… always raising the hand but never getting called on.

Garth starts yelling about how much he loves his mama…his shirt says I Love Mom (that’s a different game show that VH-1 should start doing- a Mama’s Boy dating game).. Garth has a serious Oedipus Complex, that’s all I’m saying.

NO WORDS NECESSARY

BB tries to see where Brittanya is at, and I have to give Brittanya a little respect because she is honest.. she tells BB that she doesn’t really like her and I have to appreciate the fact that she is up front with BB.  The teasing begins and Pun is all about messing with BB.  She’s pretty convinced that she is going home, which doesn’t really matter to her because she’s got church to go to when she gets back to Compton.  Yep.

Let the drunken tomfoolery begin!!!  Garth and Punisher are trashed!!!  Garth can barely proposition Sassy to become his lover (gag reflex) and Punisher is all up on Brittanya’s fake ass.  IF I was Brittanya, I would do a complete switcheroo and get rid of Punisher or Garth..make that alliance less strong and become the Queen bee.  The smart thing to do would be to get rid of Pun… but the thing I would most want to do is get rid of Garth!  Is anyone else as disgusted by him as me?  I can’t be alone here.

PULL A BAIT AND SWITCH BRITTANYA!!  DO IT NOW!!!

Brittanya wises up a bit, and gets annoyed that Pun is celebrating with Garth and not her.  Now the show FINALLY becomes what I think it’s creators intended- a drunken hook up extravaganza.  Brittanya confesses she has a crush on Francisco!!  Now, we all know that Cisco and Mindy are betrothed, I mean, Mindy thinks she could maybe find love with him…. but Brittanya is a hot mess, she’s got a body, she’s confident,and now she has the power as Pay Master.  Sassy sees a way that she could maybe get this hook up to happen and then maybe with that, Brittanya will be forced to get rid of Punisher since she has been sleeping in his bed.  If she hooks up with Cisco, Pun will most certainly be bothered and be gunning for Brittanya right???

They start playing “I’ve never…” and literally Brittanya has done it all!!!  Mindy and Cornfed watch on as the flirting gets even heavier.  Poor Mindy…love will not be found here.  So Sassy leaves and it’s on!  Cisco thinks that Mindy is sleeping and that Pun is sleeping… so he and Brittanya go off alone…to talk… and this is wear the hooking up begins!!  Brittanya has to pee and invites Cisco to join her.. they try to dodge the cameras but we all know what’s going down…no Pun intended…no pun intended again!

So after an amazing time in the bathroom,  Cisco returns to his room and tries have Mindy cuddle up with him.  She of course let’s him know that she saw everything and that he should go cuddle up with Brittanya instead.  You would think Cisco would be at least slightly upset that he got found out, but instead he laughs it off because apparently hooking up with Brittanya was the most fun he’s had since he’s been here.  Poor Mindy…first it was Brett and now it’s Cisco.  Word of advice for you Mindy- you cannot find love on a VH-1 show!!!!  Especially one that revolves around money and puts you in a house full of people who sleep around.  Okay?

The next morning Cisco tells Pun what happened, and Cisco says, “I definitely have a guilty conscience anytime I cheat on a girl… I’ve done it before, obviously I’ll do it again.  But I’m gonna sweet talk my way out of it.”  Hey Cisco, word to the wise, don’t let that be your opening line when you talk with Mindy.  As he tries to talk to her and worm his way out of it, with a line that guys use all to often when they cheat: “I didn’t lie to you.”  OH so telling me because I caught you in the act isn’t lying, and in fact your truthfulness should get you off the hook.  Right.  Mindy walks away, and I love her for it.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the house, Pun is waiting for Brittanya, who feels quite confident that there is no way Pun could know she hooked up with his enemy Cisco because he was asleep all night. Uh huh.  So Punisher lays it out and tells her to stay the F@*&! out of his bed.  Brittanya concedes and in her one on one interview says, “You know what Pun before you tell the Pay Master to stay the f@*&! out of your bed, maybe you should stay the f@*&! out of the box.”  SEND HIM HOME BRITTANYA!!!!!

The first individual vault happens, BB and Sassy are voted in…there’s more trash talking about people’s mama’s…which that joke is sooo over done can we get over it please.  Especially people who take it so personally.

Time for the power outing.  It’s the first authentically cultural outing and everyone’s pissed because there is no alcohol and hanging out with the local tax man/shaman is so lame.  The shaman does an aura cleansing on everyone and nobody really cares.  So let’s get straight to the persuasion.  Sassy and BB don’t have much to offer, and Pun refuses to discuss the situation with Francisco in front of the other two gals.  I would almost worry that she would give Pun the extra 15 mins to gravel, but she gives it to BB.  BB tries to convince our less than intelligent Brittanya that letting Pun go now is the smartest thing to do at this point.  BB dumbs down her lingo to make her point, which considering Brittanya can’t even pronounce the word “manipulate,” I can’t blame her.

With the sights set on Punisher or Blonde Baller, everyone is nervous about who will ultimately be sent home.  So who will Brittanya let go…but first, Brittanya lets it out that she and Cisco hooked up in front of everyone…and some people are actually shocked?  How the hell did they not already know! Brooklyn is just wondering when it will be his turn, and Mindy can’t believe Brittanya would sink so low as to embarrass her like that in front of everyone.

So who gets to stay and who gets to leave?  Brittanya calls BB out and immediately voids her check!  Sigh.  Sassy gets to stay and so does Pun.  They live to see another day!  Can’t wait to see what happens next week!!!