I Love Money: Chance Ain’t No Homo. Tell a Friend

Hello dolls and welcome back to another crud filled episode of I Love Money! But let’s do housekeeping before we begin. First of all, I think I was way off on the cast list for Rock of Love Charm School. I have failed you with my faulty Googling. So if anyone has the correct list, please do share!

Grandma Rodeo 3.0

And then I have tell you about the funniest thing I saw on TV this week. It’s completely un-related to I Love Money, but it’s reality related, so I had to share. It was the Tori Spelling show. I wish I could say I was only watching because there was nothing else on, but that would be a lie. Anyway, Tori’s at some cake shop ordering a hideous, life-sized monkey cake for her kid (who seems like he has a cute personality, but has been slapped with the same ugly stick as his mother – and no, it doesn’t work on a guy either. Randy Spelling is just as unfortunate looking as Tori) for the poor child’s first birthday party. That’s how they kept me hanging on, by the way – Oxygen teased me with “star-studded!” during every commercial break – their idea of “star-studded!” was Loni Anderson and Denise Richards. So star-studded. I can’t believe it didn’t make the cover of People.

Anyway, as Tori leaves the cake shop, she spies one, lone guy with a camera and immediately gets all upset. “Ugh, the paparazzi are here,” she moans. One guy. And he wasn’t even particularly aggressive. He didn’t yell her name or anything. Come to think of it, he probably wasn’t even sure who she was, but that didn’t stop the very, very, very famous Tori for going off on a rant about that damn paparazzi and how intrusive they are to her star studded life. Maybe she should write a book about it.

So you don’t have to get rid of any more of your crap.

Okay, back to the show you came here for! This week opens with a truly horrifying sight – Destiney and Heat wearing matching zebra-print. I’m still recovering. And they’re talking strategy with Mr. Boston. Well, actually first Mr. Boston is informing Destiney that when he gets drunk, he flashes people. Note to everyone on earth: Don’t ever, ever get Mr. Boston drunk.

And with that nugget out of the way, now it’s time to talk strategy. Mr. Boston is scared of the Stallionaires. And he is convinced they need to break that alliance. “Do you get it?” Boston asks his teammates. “I get it but I’m drunk right now,” slurs Destiney. Heat, Destiney’s “boyfriend” just sits by next to her. Then he goes to bed with her, and just lies next to her, with one hand planted on her knee. Heat is so very gay. He’s so gay he doesn’t even know how to pretend to not be gay.

Your eyebrows are uneven. I’ll totes take care of it in the morning, hon.

But you know who does know how to romance a ho? Twelve Pack. He hits up Flasher Heather with a bottle of supermarket wine, and that’s pretty much all it takes. Honestly, she’s all, “It’s so romantic, it’s awesome!” Oh, Flash. Even Bret had to work harder than this, and he had a whole show named after him. Twelve Pack tells us he’s really starting to like this girl, primarily for the reasons that she likes to party and she likes to strip. The foundation of all true and lasting relationships. Then they make out. Flash tells us that kissing Twelve Pack was extremely hot and “can we get some more where that came from?” Ew, must we? Can’t we just find wherever it came from and cut it off at the source? So, Flash is all hot and bothered, but she doesn’t want to let it affect her game. Cue Twelve Pack affecting her game.

Buy her a carton of Kool menthols and she’ll marry your ass.

The next morning, there’s a phone call from the coolest host ever, Craig J. New challenge, new captains and then they need to divide their teams into pairs. Entertainer is elected captain of the Gold Team, simply because he’s the loudest. All strategy, all the time. Over on the Green Team, Mr. Boston is nominated. He tells us his main goal is to organize the team to get the Stallionaires’ checks into “the box”.

Their only clue is that the day’s challenge will be a “mouthful”.

Seasoned reality professionals that they are, everyone immediately deduces that the challenge will involve eating some gross stuff. So they all pretty much base their pair-ups on that. Pumkin and Toastee are teamed up, and are not surprisingly quick to draw attention to the fact that they’ll eat anything. The rest of the pairs on the Gold Team are Flasher and Twelve Pack and Hoopz and Granny Rodeo. Oh, wouldn’t it be fabulous if this was a Rise and Shine Rodeo Oatmeal pancake challenge? With barbeque sauce for dipping? Entertainer is the odd man out.

On the Green Team, it’s Annoying Brandi C. and Real, Heat and Destiney, Butterface Megan and White Boy…which leaves Mr. Boston with Chance. Chance and his delicate palate might have trouble eating some things, so Boston (who I have no doubt subscribes to the Pumkin/Toastee philosophy of putting anything in their mouth) pairs up with Chance to pick up the slack.

They get to the challenge location, which is a bunch of tables set up on a patio. Craig J. asks the new captains to step up, and Boston does so with “Captain B” magic markered on his dirty white t-shirt. Very official looking. Craig J., intrepid game show host that he is, wants to know the methodology behind how they paired up. “They work good together. They claim. I believe them,” Entertainer says stupidly. Boston snickers under his breath about what an idiot this guy is. And then explains that his team had a “much more smarter strategy”. They are the most smartest team ever in the whole wide world.

We’ll just worry about the grammar challenge when it comes.

Anyway, Boston goes on to explain his team’s scientific strategy by telling Craig J. that they paired up people who don’t like eating weird crap with people who don’t mind eating weird crap. Craig J. compliments them on how smart, smarter, smartest they are indeed for thinking this way. It’s the perfect plan, really. Except for the minor detail that this is not going to be a eating weird crap kind of challenge.

Craig J. goes on to explain that all the challenges were based on the most memorable parts of Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Rock of Love. Which I didn’t know until he said it. I guess that (and our tres fab commenters, kisses) explains the flower stick thingies from last week. And this week’s challenge is based on another classic Flav and Miss New York moment – a very long, very sloppy kiss that clocked in at over an hour. Okay, everyone take a moment to wipe the vomit off you screens.

If I were Lysol I’d so be angling for some product placement on this show.

“It’s your chance to prove your devotion to your team, and to winning the money,” Craig J. sagely tells them. And then breaks the news that it’s a good, old-fashioned “kiss off”. The team that kisses the longest, wins. Oh my. I don’t think there’s been a cleaning product invented that will sanitize the stench of this one. But, it looks like it might not even come to that, as Chance and his do-rag, partnered with Mr. Boston, immediately expresses his repulsion with the event. The rest of the players laugh hysterically, and point. Granny’s cackle in particular is so loud and enthusiastic it nearly shatters my Lysol drenched screen.

Boston doesn’t seem to mind having to kiss Chance, though. He tells us that he paired up with him because Chance was queasy, but of course, it all went horribly wrong. This is why I kind of like Boston. I get the feeling like he’s in on the joke of this whole game, and that’s what makes him such a willing participant. Well, that, and all the skanky cooch that’s so readily available in the I Love Money house. Boston tries to appease Chance, confirming with Craig J. that the kiss can be closed lips. “What the hell else do you think? And we ain’t kissing!” Chance yells back. Then he reminds us of Boston’s sweaty, lizard-like lips. Between the “lizard-like lips” and the “soggy sucker” comment from last week, well, you can’t deny that the fellow sure can turn a phrase.

Sensing that Chance is this close to backing out, Annoying Brandi C. confirms with Craig J. that if one pair doesn’t kiss, the whole team is disqualified. Or, in reality challenge lingo, “DQ’ed”. And this is indeed the case. Destiney, showing a little of the spunk that I love her for, tells us that she will be furious if Chance doesn’t kiss Boston. Boston, for his part, tries to reason with Chance, telling him they only lock lips for a second, and then they can sit back and eat and drink what they want. Boston tells us he’s willing to throw his pride out the window for the sake of the win, and then he ruins everything (I am 99% sure intentionally) by blowing is nose. Chance takes one look at the boogers not captured by the blow, and tells us that the thought of kissing Boston makes him want to die.

Annoying Brandi C. pipes in to tell us that she wouldn’t want to kiss Boston either, but for the sake of winning she would. Let’s note here that Boston has had Annoying Brandi C.’s annoying sea captain’s hat perched on his head for much of the episode. I am certain this is a souvenir of his night of ho-ing it up with ABC, which makes Annoying Brandi C. not only annoying, but completely full of shit.

Flasher wins back some points by taunting Chance, telling him that the kiss would be all over the internet. And Best Week Ever. “TMZ,” shouts Granny Rodeo, catching on quick. “I’ll put it on my Myspace page!” yells one of the Gold Team dudes, not sure which one. Chance shouts a request for some rubbing alcohol, and it looks like he might go through with it! But as Craig J. counts down to the kiss, the editors flash back in slow mo to all the teasing and the taunting and the pointing and the laughing…and Chance backs out. What a prima donna. Can’t take off his do-rag, can’t touch Boston’s lips for a mere second. I think I see a love match with Chance and Goody Sarah from the Real World (reunion recap forthcoming, I promise, I shan’t fail you!).

Only on the DL, yo.

Boston tells us that he didn’t want to lean in for the kiss, cause he thought he’d end up with a bloody nose. And big man Heat throws a napkin at Chance for blowing it. Which pisses Chance off immensely. He’s ready to throw Heat off a cliff. For throwing a napkin? Anger management, sweetie. Oh, did I just come up with the next VH1 “celeb”-reality concept?

Heat yells at Chance that he doesn’t follow through, and he’s the one causing his team to lose. Shouting ensues, and then Destiney gets in on the action. Having just nearly been arrested by the morons at airport security for “mouthing off” when they mistook my eyeglass case for a gun (yes, I’m serious), I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only crazy bitch out there. “Who are you threatening?” Destiney yells, “You signed up for this! And twice you haven’t tried!” The ho has a point. A really good one, actually. He doesn’t deserve to be in the competition anymore, Destiney tells us.

And what’s Chance’s response to Hurricane Destiney? Well, first he calls her a weirdo (weirdo…oh, that one hurts), and then asks for clarification on what the first time was. Do-rag, duh. Then he tells her she has a flat ass. I would have just laughed at that one, but Destiney, being the class act she is, flips her micro-mini up in the back and retorts, “Flat booty? I don’t think so, asshole!” Entertainer wonders why Heat isn’t protecting Destiney, but is perfectly happy to take his opportunity to move in on his territory.

So Entertainer comforts Destiney, who is now shaking with anger (I can’t judge, this was so me today in the airport) and she tells him, “Dude, you don’t even know, I’m gonna start my period in seconds.” Okay sweetie, thanks for sharing. “I’m premenstrual and I have feelings!” she continues. I know, we all do, but you can’t cop to it cause that’s just giving every ignorant dumbass out there an excuse as to why all women are crazy. “I know,” says Entertainer sympathetically. Well, he would. He’s been living with his Mom his whole life, I’m sure at some point she had a cycle.

And a flat ass.

The Gold Team is loving the whole incident. They huddle up, and do a big group kiss. Real, Chance’s brother, tells us that he understands why his brother wouldn’t lock lips with Boston…the rest of them are strippers and porn stars and they’re used to having orgies and sex with goats, he explains. Sex with goats? Oh, this episode is rich with VH1 “celeb”-reality pitches. As they leave the challenge, Toastee comments that she wishes she could have kissed Pumkin for longer. Boston isn’t too broken up over the loss, because this could be his chance to get the Stallionaires “in the box”.

Back at the house, Destiney is on Heat attack. She confronts him, and wants to know why he didn’t stand up for her. “About what?” he says, faux-confused. As I have mentioned plenty of times before, you’ve got to be pretty smart to play dumb, and this guy’s not even smart enough to play straight while he’s lying in a girl’s bed. Destiney points out that the whole reason she got into it with Chance in the first place is because she was standing up for Heat! “I didn’t know you were standing up for me. I was in the heat of the moment,” Heat explains moronically.

And Destiney’s ovuuuuuh it. “I thought Heat seemed genuine, but now I think he’s a pussy,” Destiney tells us. “I’d stand up for you,” Entertainer chimes in. Destiney thanks him demurely, and all the points I just gave her for the fight with Chance go right out the window cause I so know where this is going. Ew, ew and ewwwwwww. “Heat’s not doing his job, and it’s time for me to do mine,” Entertainer quips. He gives Destiney a hug, while Heat looks on blankly.

The action moves to the pool, where Destiney lounges on a raft and Entertainer worships her. She tells him she loves to dance, and that she’s got rhythm. And guess what? Entertainer has rhythm too! Then he tells her they should try and beat the longest kiss on television. Okay, that’s cool with me, but just don’t make me look at it. “I really like Entertainer a lot. He’s a good guy,” Destiney says softly. I am so embarrassed for her. And Flasher. Even the guys from Warrant would be a step up from this.

Meanwhile, Boston the strategist is chatting with Butterface and Twelve Pack about how to support each other. Boston and Twelve Pack seem to strike a deal, and Boston walks away. “What about me?” Butterface pouts to Twelve Pack. He tells her she’s the last person he wants to leave, and then he tells us that she’s hot, tall, with nice legs and nice fake boobs. A 9.5 out of 10, he decrees. See Chance, flat asses work for some people. They hug, and Butterface tries to kiss him, but he calls it the “kiss of death” and accuses her of trying to get him in trouble. And out of nowhere, Entertainer is watching this, and says that he doesn’t trust Butterface. Is Entertainer going to be the one to call this fake, lying ho out?

No, I don’t have any spare change. Thanks for the lies though, skeez.

And Entertainer’s all over this episode, cause now he’s sharing a smoke with Heat and wanting to know what’s up with Heat and Destiney. Is Heat cool with Entertainer moving in on his territory, he wonders? Of course he is, now he’s totally off the hook. It was hard work pretending to pretend to like women. True to form, Heat just looks confused and stupid. This is where he’s not acting, by the way. Entertainer doesn’t want to step on any toes or disrespect anyone, or so he says. “I’m fine,” Heat sputters through his smoke rings. “Me and Destiney hit it off and she knows I love her all the way, so all I could say was nothing,” Heat explains to the viewers.

And while Heat is surely relieved to not have to pretend to pretend to want to have sex with Destiney anymore, he does recognize that the budding relationship between Destiney and Entertainer threatens his standing in the game. He voices his concerns to White Boy, who eats his lunch and mumbles, “It’s all up to Entertainer,” through a mouthful of food.

And now it’s time for Butterface and Annoying to strategize. They sit with their master, Mr. Boston, and when Twelve Pack strolls up, Butterface fake whispers in Annoying’s ear. There’s some talk between Butterface and Twelve Pack about Flasher, and Butterface tells him she doesn’t want Flasher to hear whatever it is they’re saying. “She trusts me, and there’s no reason why she shouldn’t,” Twelve Pack explains. Of course not. You’ve got two whole days and a bottle of supermarket special wine under your belts. What could tear that apart?

Butterface tells us that she can see Flasher’s jealous, and then she cackles with that cringe-inducing, grating laugh of hers. So she goes straight to Flasher, and tattles that Twelve Pack’s been hitting on her. She conveniently leaves out the part where every time Twelve Pack comes around, she pulls her signature move of the ass crack rub. And Flash takes the bait. She tells us she had trust issues, because Bret broke her heart on TV. Then we get a flashback of Bret dumping her, which of course leads to the flashback of the death glare she gave him under all her fabulous smokey eye makeup.

I will never trust an aged bald weave wearin 80′s rock star again. Unless someone from Whitesnake becomes available.

Then Flash takes her case to the people. She badmouths Twelve Pack to her girls Hoopz and Pumkin, who act appropriately appalled, and then takes it to the new class couple, Destiney and Entertainer. “He made me look like an asshole,” she tells them. The newlyweds question why she’s taking Butterface’s word for it, and then Twelve Pack himself appears on the balcony to find out what’s going on. Flash yells at him, he tells her not to trust him then, to which she replies with an all-attitude, “I don’t.” It will take at least two more bottles of Winn Dixie wine to cross that bridge.

And Entertainer is, for some reason, highly offended by Butterface and her antics. He tells us he sees through her, and that all she does is go around causing drama and spreading lies. Then he warns that Butterface’s “time has come”, which is foreshadowing that can only mean one thing – and that’s that there’s no way in hell she’s going home tonight.

The next morning, Destiney is happy to awaken next to Entertainer. Damn, this girl works fast! Has anyone noticed that Entertainer looks about seventy? Moisturizer isn’t only for the ladies, you know. And then it’s time to go to the Vault to get the eliminees (still not a word, still should be) into the box. Craig J. is decked out in a cute, light blue collared shirt. He reminds the Green Team that if they don’t have three checks in the box in fifteen minutes, then the Gold Team decides who goes to elimination. Boston is not looking forward to the Vault meeting. He’s worried that someone’s coming out in a body bag.

Chance does right by offering himself up right away, as it was his fault they’re in that predicament in the first place. He is both a princess and a gentleman, and it kind of works. Captain Boston wants to take a vote for the next two to go in the box, and when he calls White Boy’s name, everyone raises their hands. Including Real, who one second later realizes his mistake, and slams his arm back down, but it really cracked me up.

You look just like my great uncle Sal. Raaar.

I couldn’t keep up with the Vault meeting, but at one point, Chance backed off his gallantness, and offered up Butterface, Heat and one of the other girls. “I don’t think I should go,” he backtracks. “I don’t blame you!” snaps Destiney. Is she kidding? He’s totally the one to blame here. Then White Boy offers to go in, posturing that he’s comfortable taking his chances. Then Boston offers to go in, proffering that he’s comfortable taking a chance against White Boy and Heat. Bottom line, they somehow come to the conclusion that the best way to go is to just let Entertainer decide which three go in the box. I cannot believe I am hearing this right, but then they take another informal vote, and it’s decided. Am I hallucinating or is this the stupidest choice on reality television? Ever?

When the Gold Team is let back into the vault and informed of their power, they all try to convince Entertainer to “pick strong”. But they’re all kind of talking over each other, and finally Entertainer reminds us of his all empowering status as Paymaster, and that they all need to shut up. He can send whoever he wants home. And his first choice is…Butterface. This couldn’t be more stupid, but because she’s so despicable, I can’t help but be down with it. Then he chooses Heat. Because he’s “dating” Destiney now, and Heat was “dating” her for a few days, and it’s awkward. If one day in the pool and one night in an I Love Money bunk bed is considered “dating”, Entertainer’s even more stunted then I thought.

Entertainer’s final pick is Mr. Boston. “What the fuck?” wonders Pumkin, “Two weak asses and an idiot?” I’m having a hard time determining who’s the idiot in this equation. Heat, Butterface and Boston…close call. But Entertainer thinks that Boston isn’t as dumb as he seems and he’s got to “get in his head”. Twelve Pack is another Gold Team member disappointed in Entertainer’s decision, when they could have eliminated at least one of the Stallionaires. “Completely stupid,” he announces. But Entertainer’s feeling good about things. He’s in charge, and in his precious little eight-year old brain, that’s all that matters.

So Entertainer and the eliminees head out on the Power Outing, and the good mood continues. It’s the best food he’s eaten so far in Mexico! Look, a big pool! The ocean! The table’s set up! There’s wine! Well, at least he gets points for enthusiasm. And Boston’s busy plotting. He’s going to do whatever it takes not to get sent home tonight. “Maybe I’ll even pull a Toastee and break a leg,” he suggests slyly. The Power Outing is a wine tasting, and as they get to sipping, Entertainer wants to know why everyone’s so quiet. “I’m the easiest guy to get along with in the world!” he guffaws. Okay, first of all, whenever anyone tells me how easy they are, the warning bells go off in my head, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that they will be as big a pain in the ass as possible. Second, easy to get along with as long as you’re not “dating” the girl he likes or actually being a girl he doesn’t like.

Ensure. Try it, it will help with the lines.

Boston chooses this moment to put his plan into action. He starts acting sick, and Entertainer and Heat are immediately concerned. “I just started not feeling well after the Vault thing…,” he says. Oooh, don’t overdo it, I think. But Boston has played it correctly. “How much more wine is there?” he wonders weakly. Oh, only seven bottles. And at this news, Captain B starts puking. Is it real puke or is he fake puking? And if it’s real, how the hell did he manage that? Did he stick his finger down his throat under the table? I really don’t understand. I’m sure he must be fake puking, but Heat witnesses the action and points out how cool it is – there’s blood in Boston’s puke! Fabulous!

“Sir, could you please get this man a bucket?” Lord Entertainer queries the waiter. “Let it out, brother,” yells Heat joyously. I guess we know what kind of kinky shit he’s into. Butterface is disgusted. And then Boston appears in interview to remind us that he was totally faking it – he just started puking his guts out. I still want to know how. I mean, crying you can turn it on and off, but puking? How is he doing this? I’m fascinated. Boston is only worried that the puking is going to ruin his chances with Butterface.

Well, after Vomit-gate ’08, Entertainer turns his attention to Heat. He reminds Heat that he told him he was okay with the whole Entertainer / Destiney love affair. “You came up to me, you were honest…I have to shake your hand for that,” Heat simpers. Destiney’s right, this guy is the biggest wimp ever. He steals your girl and you want to shake his hand? You know when Heat was a little kid he was totally bringing free candy for the bullies who were beating him up. What a head case.

Cute slightly offensive skirt, though.

“Whatever I say to you, I say to you,” Entertainer assures Heat. Then he tells the viewers that Heat is freaking out because Destiney has feelings for him. “I’m cool, and I congratulate you both on your happiness,” Heat says politely. Now I’m not sure if he’s angling to stay in the game, or for a wedding invite. If he’s the only one not invited, little man’s gonna be very sad.

Next, Entertainer turns his attention to Butterface. “You’re so quiet it’s scaring me,” he booms. Entertainer is enjoying this Paymaster thing way too much. He’s such a child. “Why do you think you’re here?” he demands. “Because…people don’t like me?” she replies. Who doesn’t like you, he insists. “Ummm, you?” she tells him. Then she gives her horrible, wretched laugh. “I personally would love to see you go home tonight,” he tells her, pointing right at her face.

And you know I can’t stand this ho worse than anyone, but I’m kind of, I don’t know, a little empathetic here. She knows he hates her, she’s not particularly concerned that he does, cause really, who gives a shit about this guy? Or the $250k for that matter, cause really, this is all just for another line on the reality resume and whoever wins the cash is just gonna blow it on a huge bar tab in the first week anyway. “Let’s just see how it goes,” she shrugs casually in her interview. I like this que sera, que sera thing. And she’s definitely bitchy enough to hang with me. If only Butterface could drop that retard routine, we might have a shot.

Entertainer tells her that she’s a troublemaker. See, another thing we have in common. She shrugs again and tells him she doesn’t think she starts it. Okay, now the similarities are starting to scare me. “Well, I don’t think I’m loud and obnoxious, but I am,” he tells her. She tells him she’s misunderstood. Okay, whew. I could give a crap if I’m misunderstood. If I have to explain, then you wouldn’t get it anyway.

“Don’t insult my intelligence,” Entertainer growls at Butterface and I almost fall off the sofa laughing. Cute catchphrase, but you have to have an IQ for someone to insult it. And then Butterface starts crying, which doesn’t work at all on Entertainer, and that kind of rules. “How many acting lessons did she take?” he scoffs. But you know what? I don’t think it’s fake. First of all, I don’t think she’s that kind of actress, and I don’t think she could pull off the fake cry. Second, crying because some loser’s being mean to her is not part of the Paris Hilton moron routine. It’s all about being too vapid to care, and Butterface never breaks character. I think she is genuinely realizing that people hate her, and it’s not a nice thought.

Your intelligence looks old.

After the Power Outing, Entertainer goes to White Boy for some more information. White Boy is wearing another one of those oddly cut, ladylike tank tops. He seems to have one in every color. Look, I appreciate personal style whether I like it or not – I live for Flasher’s spangly stripper gowns, but I’d never be caught dead in one. Well, in public anyway. It would probably be fun to tart up and vacuum the house like that. And speaking of Flash, another thing that I’m not liking is the wardrobe. It’s so toned down. It’s like her and Bret caucused and decided to ruin all the fun for me. I am only praying that Bret brings the pleather on the tour of hos with him. I bet you pleather travels well. It certainly doesn’t wrinkle.

Anyway, White Boy’s wearing this silly looking tank top, and I’m sure he thinks it’s cool and fashionable, but I’m just not getting it at all. But ugly shirt aside, White Boy’s working Entertainer. He tells Entertainer that Heat’s a threat, that he still has feelings for Destiney and she’s still got “emotional attachment” to him. Yes, those two-day relationships are so hard to get over. So much history. So hard to let go.

And then it’s time for elimination. Boston tells us that if Entertainer was smart, he’d send him home. Well, I wouldn’t be too worried about that. I’d say Boston is going to be safe. Heat makes fun of Butterface’s wretched cackle, and repeats Entertainer’s mantra about what a troublemaker she is. Heat is attired in a pair of American flag shorts. Patriotic Guido chic.

Craig J. appears, and kicks things off by asking Boston who he thinks should go home. Boston thinks Heat should go, because he wants to keep Butterface around. Heat thinks Butterface should go. And Butterface wants Boston to stay, ’cause he’s growing on her. “It’s not surprising,” muses Boston, “They always fall victim to the Boston charm eventually.” Then he makes a dumb joke about how he’s growing outward as he’s talking to her.

And then it’s time for the main event. The first check goes to Mr. Boston. He looked like a wreck on the Power Outing, so he’s gonna give Boston a chance, the benevolent Lord Entertainer decrees. “No surprise to me, I fooled the idiot with my sickness and he thinks I’m the weakest guy on the team,” says Boston flippantly. So ironic that Entertainer’s whole reason for choosing Mr. Boston as an eliminee was because he was suspicious that Boston was smarter than he seemed, and he totally tricked Entertainer into keeping him in the game by actually being smarter than he seemed. Well executed, Captain B.

Who in the world would believe this guy’s dumb act?

Butterface tells us casually that she’s pretty sure she’s going home because Entertainer’s got something personal against her. “Not the smartest decision, but not the smartest guy,” she shrugs. She’s so sure it’s over, she doesn’t even wear a teeny bikini to eliminations. She’s in a cut out one piece, and you know what? Not flattering. Heat is in a full blown, drunken panic. He needs the money. For his family, he adds desperately. His Mom’s got a bad case of the disformation, remember?

“Heat with Destiney and Megan with her lies,” Entertainer muses. He doesn’t know what to do. Craig J. uses his super serious voice to lay it down for him. “Who. Is going. To receive. The next check,” Craig J. wonders sagely. And the next check goes to Heat! Butterface shot down? By a man? Even though all men love her cause she’s sooooo hot? Loves it! To the millionth! The Night at the Roxbury music starts pumping as Heat stumbles up to take his check…but when he gets to Entertainer, he’s denied. “Heat, my decision is for you to leave tonight.” And the music dies out with a whine. Oh, Entertainer. Tricky, tricky.

It was just too awkward, Entertainer explains. But he’s such a great guy, he does manage to muster up some sympathy for Heat. “You gotta feel bad, he lost out on the money, got dumped by his girlfriend and then the guy dating his girlfriend is the one who lets him go,” he says grandly. Dude, get a grip. You’re only team captain for another five minutes. Then you’re back to the village with the rest of ‘em.

Heat does go out with a good one liner, though. “I hope you and Destiney have fun in your parents’ bedroom,” he slurs. Hee hee. But Entertainer’s not done with Butterface. “I have a couple of things to say to you,” he says, relishing his last few moments of being the big man on campus, “I hope you won’t be causing any more problems.” Butterface tells us on camera that her team has the wrong impression of her, and that she’s really a nice, sweet, innocent girl. Please. Why bother?

She walks back to the group, and really, that swimsuit is really not doing her any favors. Here’s something interesting, not one person congratulates her on staying, not even her bestie Annoying Brandi C. See, no one likes shallow and bitchy. Maybe one or the other, but Butterface is an island on I Love Money, and I bet you she doesn’t have any friends in real life either.

Destiney’s pretty much relieved that Heat’s gone. She’s a little bummed about losing someone from her alliance, but overall…”I really don’t like Heat,” she determines. And Entertainer, well, this is pretty much the greatest day of his whole life. He’s still broke. He’s still living in his parents’ basement. But Destiney’s “with” him, so it’s all okay. White Boy’s becoming concerned that he’s the biggest target. “It’s starting to get real real right now. Real real,” he says dramatically. Well hello, that’s why they call it reality television. It’s a little real. Sometimes. White Boy also takes credit for masterminding Heat’s departure, and he’s happy about that.

Fine. That bitch can live with uneven eyebrows, then.

Well, another one down. I think this episode had lots of filler in it, cause the producers were stumped by the lack of a challenge. I love how Chance messed everything up and still didn’t even get nominated for elimination. It’s Chance’s cesspool, they’re all just floating around in it. What happens next week? Did I even catch the preview? If I did, I forgot. Well, we’ll find out soon enough. Kisses, kisses, kisses!