Greetings, gasmii! VH1 has once again decided to grace us with their grandest show of all, I Love Money! Join me as we take a look at the cast of season two, the jerkiest of all reality jerks. That could be a competition in and of itself.
The Contestant: 20 Pack.
You Know Him From: I Love New York 2, where he…did nothing of consequence, I’d assume. I still can’t get past there being so many Packs in the I Love… universe. 12 Pack was bad enough in literally every capacity, but we need a 20 Pack too? God.
Prediction: Second one eliminated! I can’t even muster up anything else to say about this gentleman. I’m too distracted by that one muscle, is it popping? Eep.
The Contestant: Angelique.
You Know Her From: Porn.
The Contestant: Bonez.
You Know Him From: I Love New York 1. Bonez looks like Chester Cheetah. I find it offensive.
Prediction: He’s sent home after smearing Cheeto dust on someone’s leather coat.
The Contestant: Buckwild.
You Know Her From: Gap teeth. Also, so much for her big transformation after Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School, hey? She was never going to go by Buckwild again!!! She was Becky!!! Mostly she was just gross.
Prediction: Buckwild will finish in third place. Bitch is crazy and has a fairly decent throwing arm, which are pretty much the key elements to succeeding in this arena.
The Contestant: Buddha.
You Know Him From: I Love New York 2.
Prediction: Buddha’s in the running to take this thing, y’all! I hate to quote that Bring It On cheer (no, I don’t), but he’s strong and he’s loud, he’s gonna make ya proud!
The Contestant: Cali.
You Know Her From: Real Chance of Love. Cali is on that border between Hot and Blow-Up Doll. I don’t really know much about her other than she wasn’t good enough for Chance, which…yikes. Low blow.
Prediction: Looks sassy. By sassy, I mean annoying.
The Contestant: The Entertainer.
You Know Him From: Loooooving money! Loooooving everything except living in his parents’ basement, where I assume he’s still located!
Prediction: VH1 will finally hire him as a production assistant, making a cool $8 an hour.
The Contestant: Heat.
You Know Him From: I Love New York 1, I Love Money 1.
Prediction: Oh, Heat. You’re not very good at any show you’re on, but you’re never disheartened! I will give you some credit for that, but you’ll be eliminated immediately on this show. I think the unknowns are at a disadvantage, but people who are known for being a-holes are just as troubled.
The Contestant: Ice.
You Know Her From: Flavor of Love 3.
Prediction: I have hope for this girl! She flat-out stated she was on Flavor of Love for the dolla dolla billz, so this show is perfect for her. I’d like for Ice to be the Heather of I Love Money 2, but not as utterly worn down by life.
The Contestant: It.
You Know Him From: Making you suicidal every week on I Love New York 2. Gahhh.
Prediction: It will get confused at the airport and never quite make it to Mexico.
The Contestant: Leilene.
You Know Her From: Flavor of Love 1, Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. I legit enjoyed Leilene on Charm School, although I had her pegged to be the first person eliminated there. Little did I know, people who cry a lot and are generally unstable make it super far!
Prediction: Despite all of the above, Leilene cannot win this show. Unlike Charm School, it takes a little bit of physical agility and Leilene can barely pick up her mail without falling into a weep heap. She’ll make it midway, though – a good showing.
The Contestant: Milf.
You Know Her From: Wait. This name is sarcastic, right? Right? I didn’t watch Real Chance of Love, praise Jesus, but I would’ve had to turn it off after seeing this. What is it? Why is it here? Why is it showing the tag on its swimsuit?
Prediction: It’ll be the third person eliminated – a long enough stay to warrant the trip to Mexico, but not long enough to call it a vacay. BRB while I brush up on my tranny jokes. Apparently “her” real name is Ahmo, so she’s writing them for me already!
The Contestant: Myammee.
You Know Her From: Having good boobs, apparently. Additionally, Flavor of Love 3.
Prediction: This girl looks like a backstabber. Expect her to go long, but when she goes down, she’ll go down hard. She’s got experience.
The Contestant: Onix.
You Know Him From: I Love New York 1. Onix looks like a raptor and I find it offensive.
Prediction: Onix will leave the show early, if only because people can’t remember his name. Also because he looks like a raptor.
The Contestant: Prancer.
You Know Her From: Flavor of Love 3. Oh my God, you guys, why is Prancer so friggin cute? Admittedly I watched very little of her season of Flavor of Love, because a friend of mine was in that cast and Flav was an enormous a-hole to her in the first episode (true story!). From what I saw though, Prancer is kind of the greatest person alive. I can still recite the entire rap she composed for Flav – you know, the one where she was all like, “Keep shit on the low, you know what I know!” and she totally meant, “You know what my vagene looks like?” Love it!
Prediction: I don’t think Prancer’s got what it takes to win, but maybe she can use her Heelys to land a challenge or two.
The Contestant: Saaphyri.
You Know Her From: Lip Chap.
Prediction: I sincerely like Saaphyri! I enjoyed her on Charm School and was glad when she won, although I am less glad about the current state of her face. She’ll come in second in this series, probably eliminating some of her contestants with this here firearm.
The Contestant: Tailor Made.
You Know Him From: Being engaged to New York! Dude has to have a few screws loose if he felt that was a viable option.
Prediction: He’ll be the Mr. Boston of I Love Money 2, aka a nosepicker.
The Contestant: Tamara.
You Know Her From: You don’t. She’s the most inconsequential person ever to appear on Rock of Love, which is really saying something! She’s pretty, at least?
Prediction: Her tenure on this show will be as long as the last.
The Contestant: T-Weed.
You Know Him From: I have no friggin idea! I recapped I Love New York and I legit cannot tell you anything about this gentleman. Admittedly I forgot there were two seasons of this show, but still. Who is he? He kind of looks like T-Pain to me, and maybe that was the joke behind it? Mostly it just sounds like I’m being racist.
Prediction: In 14 weeks when this series comes to a close, we still won’t know anything about him.
The show doesn’t premiere until February 2nd, but it’s never too early to make your predictions! Who are you rooting for? Who creeps you out? Who finds Milf attractve? Leave your thoughts!