I Love Money 2: Dumb and Dummier

First of all, I apologize for the delay in last week’s I Love Money 2 recap! In the vein of both VH1 and being a North Carolinian, I’ve spent the last two weeks in an NCAA-induced haze. I’m fairly sure that’s why the I Love Money cast is always so disoriented; basketball, never booze!

In this episode of I Love Money, everyone rejoices as limbs are crushed beneath a speeding bus. All in a day’s work!

We open to everyone sleeping and/or generally being boring, which makes me nervous about this episode indeed. Tailor Made adds to that by explaining that things shall be different now that the underdogs have taken over the house. I’m glad for them, don’t get me wrong, but I’m still a little nervous for the fate of this series! 20 Pack feels the same way, so he decides his alliance must eliminate Tailor Made today, no doubt about it.

The cast gathers around Craig’s picture to hear the challenge deets. Now that there are no teams, apparently this show is free to move quickly! I’m not sure how to handle this news. Anyway, Craig congratulates the houseguests on making it this far, but It is skeptical.

Craig reveals that without teams, there’s no need for captains or uniforms! Everyone just has to be ready for the challenge, and Craig warns them not to miss the bus. Clearly this is some sort of omen for the competition, but Saaphyri concludes Craig was out drinking the night before, which is probably equally accurate.

The group heads off to the challenge, where they’re met with a sea of mannequins. 20 Pack is instantly thrilled, because boyfriend loves him some shopping! Alas, that’s not what’s going down. Craig introduces the competition by explaining that from now on, each challenge will have one winner, and that person will be Paymaster. Each challenge will also have one Dead Last Loser, and that’s the person who comes in last place. The Dead Last Loser automatically gets voted into the strongbox, which means we’ll see a lot of Angelique in there from now on.

Craig says that everyone’s either thrown someone under the bus or been under it at some point. Again we’re treated to clips of Ice talking to WKRP in Cincinnati, which I will not even discuss at this juncture! To VH1′s credit, they don’t name the station this time, maybe in an effort to keep my face from exploding. They also screen clips from Real Chance of Love, but no one watched that show so it’s irrelevant. Regardless, the cast will have a chance to crush their competition in a challenge called Under the Bus. I love the names of these activities, FYI. From now on, they should all be called Self-Explanatory.

Behind Craig are six rows of dummies. When he gives the signal, each person will run to the dummies and grab one that represents a competitor. There are two for each person, which represent their status in the challenge. There are also several trick dolls with pictures of Craig, just for laughs, so they’ll have to hunt for their chosen enemy. Then they’ll launch that mannequin into a target zone before a papaya bus drives through. If done in time, the body will be crushed! If not, other wacky shit ensues. The Dead Last Loser will be the person who has both of their dummies eliminated first. This challenge seems disturbing, so naturally everyone is glued to Craig’s instructions. Having killed a man before, Buckwild is already intimately familiar with the rules.

20 Pack is up first! He races to the bodies and spends way too long looking for a Tailor Made mannequin. By the time he grabs it, the papaya bus is nearly at the target zone. He’s unable to launch it over in time, and that means one of 20 Pack’s dummies is eliminated as punishment! Cue sad trombone.

Up next is It, who’s just as successful as you’d imagine. This will come as a shock but I’ve never been an It fan, and I’m even less of one if he really is putting on an act like commenter Snootchy Bootches reports. Either way, he decides to throw Cali’s mannequin under the bus but misses his shot. He also grabs alliance partner Myammee’s dummy instead, so…there’s that.

Then it’s Tailor Made’s turn. He takes off running for 20 Pack’s body, but he grabs Cali’s instead. He and It are really masters at this activity, but surprisingly Tailor Made makes the throw! That means Cali’s down one dummy, and Tailor Made’s ego is up by about 5,000. Buckwild is next in line, and she wants to grab Tailor Made, It, or Ice. Unfortunately she grabs one of the Craig dolls, and she doesn’t make the throw anyway. Good work all around, Buckwild! Not sad at all.

Myammee decides to target 20 Pack, but her boobs get in the way of running to his body. She manages to grab 20 Pack’s dummy anyway, although she has to splay her tits across her chest in the process. She launches the dummy in time though, and…commercial break! It’s sad that I’m feeling actual anticipation about what might go down when the show comes back. His body is still airborne when we return, but it falls just outside of the target zone, so Myammee loses one of her dummies.

For Cali’s turn, she’s in a precarious situation. If she misses a shot, she’s the Dead Last Loser. If she successfully goes for Myammee, however, Myammee is the Dead Last Loser. Anything could happen! Or there’s like two significant outcomes, but whatevs. She grabs Myammee’s dummy and takes off running, but her toss doesn’t quite make it. Cali’s the Dead Last Loser! She’s automatically placed in the strongbox, so woe is she.

Finally it’s Saaphyri’s turn, and if there’s anyone in the world who can heft a body in the air, you know it’s gotta be her. She goes for It because she’s completely friggin’ retarded, but it’s an unsuccessful launch. Then it’s Prancer’s turn! She decides she won’t check to see which dummy is which; she’ll just grab any ol’ one. I don’t even need to explain why this is ridiculous, right? Is it not obvious she’ll pick someone in her alliance?

It mumbles, “That’s me!” as his body gets crushed. With that, It is out of the competition. He’s very upset he doesn’t get to throw anything else, which is really the heart of this challenge. During Ice’s turn, she runs straight for 20 Pack, remembering where his body was from Myammee’s attempt. She pulls it off and 20 Pack is eliminated! His dummy shatters into a million little pieces, and he’s banished like James Frey.

Angelique steps up for her turn, grabbing Myammee’s dummy. Shockingly, she is ridiculously successful. She runs quickly and throws the body right into the center of the target, which genuinely makes no sense to me. How is Angelique tied for first place right now? Blasphemy! With that in mind, it’s time for Tailor Made to run again, so he trots to Angelique’s dummy. She is le pissed, especially when he destroys her. C’est la vie!

Buckwild chooses Prancer’s and throws it at the bus. Literally, she pelts the side of the bus with the mannequin body. Prancer’s plastic limbs fall apart, but since it’s not done in the designated manner, it counts against Buckwild. That’s two strikes, so she’s done! Saaphyri fails in the exact same way, eliminating herself as well. That means the Former Green Alliance needs Angelique to pull off the win, so…they’ve essentially lost this round.

Ice is up next, anticlimactically choosing Angelique’s and eliminating her. Goodbye, Former Green Alliance! This means the Paymaster will either be Prancer, Tailor Made, or Ice. For Prancer’s next turn, she grabs Tailor Made’s body, but doesn’t quite throw it far enough. She loses one of her dummies, and then Tailor Made chooses Ice, eliminating one of hers too. The girls each have one, but Tailor Made has two dolls left, so this next round is crucial now!

Ice guns for Tailor Made, but her launch is awful. Ice is out! That leaves Tailor Made and Prancer as the final two.

Prancer knocks out one of Tailor Made’s dummies during her turn, which is actually kind of surprising. I wouldn’t have been shocked if she threw her own body under the bus for the sake of time. Regardless, that means Tailor Made’s throw will determine the fate of the challenge. If he makes his shot, he’s Paymaster! If he misses, Prancer wins! It’s genuinely not that exciting, even though this challenge is fairly awesome!

Tailor Made races to her body, which includes hopping over a barricade in the queerest manner possible. Then he tosses the mannequin and makes the shot! Tailor Made is Paymaster! The opposing alliance wails and rends their garments as a result.

When everyone gets back to the house, Tailor Made immediately sets off to talk with Saaphyri. He says she’s indebted to him, but somehow I really doubt she feels the same way. He proposes that she vote 20 Pack into the box, and she shrugs and says, “I don’t care,” but I’m pretty sure that’s just editing. The producers want us to think Saaphyri’s a fake bitch, and while she is, she isn’t in these circumstances. Still, she’s a total whore when she bones It and then tries to destroy his dummy. I’m just sayin’! Anyway, in confessional she says she’ll tell Tailor Made anything he wants to hear. Then we cut back to her saying, “If I vote for 20, what are you going to give me?” This leads into some weird, unpleasant flirting. She wants to know what kind of breasts he enjoys — ones like hers, or little ones? It’s awkward when he replies, “Male ones.”

Elsewhere in the house, the rest of the Former Green Alliance brainstorms ways to keep 20 Pack out of the box. Unfortunately their ideas are like, “Don’t vote for him and maybe others will do the same.” Helpful! 20 Pack sets off to chat with Saaphyri, and he asks if she sees this as a chance to get rid of him. She denies it, of course, because she’s dumb but not stupid. She asks who he’d like to see in the box, so he suggests Ice and Prancer. Clearly that’s a cop-out. Those folks will probably not make it in there, let alone ever be evicted by Tailor Made, but nice try!

Saaphyri tells him he’s ridiculous and asks for a better answer. Then they go back and forth for a while, like, “Who do you think? Well, who do you think?” I guess it would be easiest if they’d both say each other, but they pussyfoot around it until they just give up on the conversation. In confessional, 20 Pack tells us he has to play for himself now, as if there were any question about it before.

Meanwhile, Tailor Made corners Cali to discuss 20 Pack’s potential nomination. He understands that Cali and 20 Pack are close, so he’d never ask her to vote that way…but if she wants to, that’d be swell. He decides she should abstain from voting, in hopes of creating a stalemate. I don’t know why this would be a better plan for her – isn’t he basically saying that whether she votes or not, 20 Pack is going in the box? Tailor Made tries to explain why this would be a good idea, and it’s something about how she’s not voting for anyone, so she’s not committing suicide. Finally he assures her she’ll be safe as long as she doesn’t vote for any members of his alliance, and she says she understands. Then she frowns and asks if he can repeat that one more time.

Later on, the TMA gathers to talk about more of the same. Myammee reminds Tailor Made to put 20 Pack in the box in the case of a stalemate, which is completely delightful. Of all people to forget that plan, would Tailor Made really be one of them? He cheerfully states that 20 Pack will go in the box no matter what, since Cali’s on their side and nothing could ever possibly go wrong. Methinks some foreshadowing taketh place here.

We cut to the next morning, when 20 Pack continues to sense he’s in trouble. He’s worried Tailor Made is out to get him, but more than anything, he’s worried about It. He says It is stronger than all of the TMA except Ice, which…what? Admittedly the TMA has a lot of ladies up in there, but still, that’s a lofty claim. 20 Pack thinks he should convince Tailor Made to send It home. Then 20 Pack can become Paymaster and save Tailor Made, and he’ll work for them to save Cali. If this sounds complicated, it’s because it is. Cali is convinced regardless, so at least there’s that!

Time for the vault ceremony! All the losers pile inside, and the ceremony begins by dropping Cali’s check in the box. Then the houseguests have 15 minutes to decide on the other two nominees. Saaphyri begins the voting with 20 Pack, who receives votes from Ice, Myammee, Prancer and It. It and Myammee both get five votes from Saaphyri, Cali, 20 Pack, Buckwild and Angelique. That’s majority! Of course, by putting these two folks in the box, Cali has essentially ensured she’s going home. Way to go, lady!

A screaming match ensues, so Craig interrupts to bring some order. He’ll re-do the voting ceremony, and if there’s still a stalemate, then Tailor Made will be the deciding vote. Essentially this gives Cali a chance to undo what she just did, but whatevskies, we’ll see if she’s smart enough to notice.

During the re-vote, Saaphyri, Buckwild, 20 Pack and Angelique get four votes from the TMA. Prancer gets zero votes from anyone, because Prancer is the light of everyone’s life.

It and Myammee each get five votes from the Former Green Alliance, which means they’re the nominees and Cali made no effort to correct her mistake. Awesome! Craig brings Tailor Made into the vault, and Tailor Made is confused. How could his beloved Cali betray him? He’s so pissed awf! He quickly determines that Cali has to go home now, but he nods politely when Craig tells him there will still be a Power Outing.

After the vault, 20 Pack and Cali talk game. 20 Pack says he’s saved Tailor Made on numerous occasions, which apparently include a couple on I Love New York, although I have no idea what those would be. Didn’t New York do most of the heavy lifting on that show? Strange. Anyway, 20 Pack thinks Tailor Made owes him something now, so he’s positively delighted by the outcome of the vault. Now he’ll convince Tailor Made to eliminate It! Alternately, Cali can go home and no one will really care that much.

For Cali’s sake, 20 Pack at least pretends to care. He offers suggestions on how they can team up with the TMA. For example, Cali will tell Tailor Made that he’s losing one person but gaining two. Surely that will sway him! With that, she joins Tailor Made & Co. for the Power Outing.

Their Outing is at a tennis court, where they’re expected to actually play tennis. What an offensive idea – physical activity, can you imagine?! Their host asks them if they like tennis, and Myammee enthusiastically replies, “No!” On the other hand, It loves tennis. He’s a tennis pro! He was the best in his school! It seems that maybe his school called golf “tennis” though, because otherwise there’s no excuse for how he actually performs.

His vigorous ball-swatting causes his glasses to fall off and shatter all over the tennis court. That’s the most exciting part of this seven-minute tennis montage, although he also tries to doink Cali.

The whole scene is like when there’s a homeless person sitting next to you on the bus, and you have to pretend you’re both deaf and blind so as not to encourage interaction. Everyone does their best to ignore him until it’s time for lunch, but then Tailor Made has to force conversation with everyone.

He asks Cali to state her case, and she replies, “Basically…the votes, um…if you do keep me, I feel like I could, basically…you know how.” For sure. I wish Prancer could pop in to start rapping about how “You know what I know!” Instead, Cali just babbles for all eternity. In confessional, Tailor Made punctuates all of Cali’s statements with “Cali’s an idiot,” and that seems fairly appropriate. She yammers about nothing until it’s time for the solo session, during which Tailor Made obviously has to choose Cali. Gah.

She asks to move closer to him, in a thinly veiled attempt to flirt. I find Tailor Made to be the most asexual person ever, so it’s weird that these ladies are trying to do the do. She goes on to explain that she could probably win Paymaster once or twice, assuming everyone else loses all their limbs, and promises 20 Pack will work for him. Tailor Made admits it’s a good point as the show cuts to a commercial break, before which they show:

I know they’re not saying who goes home or anything, but dag, VH1 is ridiculous. At least we know we’ll get to see Myammee and her lingerie for one more week!

After the break, the Former Green Alliance pulls Tailor Made in for a conversation. 20 Pack explains that Cali put herself on the line for him, which is a true example of loyalty to her alliance. In return, Tailor Made should screw over his alliance and change sides. Seems fair! 20 Pack says that if it weren’t for him, Tailor Made would’ve never gotten to stay in this competition, so it’s really just fair. Tailor Made sees their point, and he interviews that working with 20 Pack could be a coup. Shamefully that makes me recite lyrics from Legally Blonde the Musical in my head, but I feel like Tailor Made is doing the very same thing.

Time for the elimination ceremony! Myammee is dressed for success.

I think I said I wouldn’t take screenshots of Myammee’s lingerie anymore, but I’m sorry, when you’re wearing lingerie and touching your vagina, it’s hard to ignore. Her vagina feels relatively confident going into eliminations, but Tailor Made is less sure. If he saves Cali, he feels like he’s guaranteed a spot in the final three due to 20 Pack. It is a good friend though, so there’s a tough choice ahead of him.

In a move that VH1 didn’t spoil at all before, Myammee receives the first check! Tailor Made thanks her for acting as his personal stylist, to which half the cast cackles in the background. Gee, I wonder why? It takes a bit before they can compose themselves, so Tailor Made has time to ponder his decision.

He calls It and Cali forward at the same time. He addresses that It’s been a loyal friend to him since the start, whereas Cali is kind of a stranger who’d like to have sex with him. That’s rather tempting, as is her offer to team up with 20 Pack, so clearly he’s not going to void her check! The Former Green Alliance goes wild with delight!

But wait – Tailor Made isn’t going to void her check, but that doesn’t mean she’s staying. Instead, Prancer will void Cali’s check! Cali’s going home! The Former Green Alliance consecutively shits their pants.

Angelique looks like she was just in a terrible car wreck, but I guess that describes this show well enough! Tailor Made calls Prancer forward. Prancer says she saved Cali once before, and she told her how to stay safe today. Since Cali didn’t listen, Prancer has no choice but to void her check. With that, Cali’s out! It sings a song for Cali’s departure whilst wearing a cape. So, there’s that.

On the next I Love Money, 20 Pack tries to appeal to the TMA, and the contestants play a challenge called Bed Hopping!

What say you? Were you surprised by Tailor Made’s elimination shake-up? Do you care at all that Cali is gone? Leave your thoughts!