I Love Money 2: I Pity the Fool

This week on I Love Money 2, the contestants bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “wailing on the mic.” Or maybe it’s just the literal meaning, but I swear I’ve heard it in the blowjob context a million times on this show!

We open to the Former Green Alliance, and they are not exactly thrilled with 20 Pack! Also, they can barely be called an alliance anymore since most of their players have been sent home. 20 Pack apologizes for what he did to Buckwild, but in confessional he says he’s playing the game like he already won it. That makes it doubly funny if he gets sent home in this episode. He tells Saaphyri he kept her so she can rock their next mental challenge, and she just kind of rolls her eyes. If the drama at hand is because he kept Saaphyri over Buckwild and she’s mad at that…then her priorities are in order indeed.

20 Pack explains that as long as one person from their alliance is Paymaster, they’ll be guaranteed to send home someone from the opposing group. Never mind that this is glaringly obvious; it’s comforting! Saaphyri finally consents that she’s glad he kept her, but she interviews that all she wants is to send him home. Yay, keeping your eye on the prize!

In their bedroom, the TMA celebrates Buckwild’s departure. Tailor Made can’t believe she left without yelling at them, but I feel like he often celebrates occasions where people don’t shout in his face, so this is old hat.

In between praises, Tailor Made points out that their deal really isn’t advantageous to 20 Pack. They agreed to save him for one week, but no more. Myammee counters that they’re fucked if 20 Pack becomes Paymaster. Apparently when the TMA struck that deal with him, she was busy doing her hair and missed the entire meeting, so she’s not cool with the plan. I guess she was less cool with a nappy weave though, so she made the right call.

Luckily for 20 Pack, the TMA isn’t really concerned with him whatsoever. They want Saaphyri to go home, and that comes as news to It. Also news to It: daily rituals like bathing, I assume. We cut to a disgusting montage of him kissing both her feet and her vagina, and then footage of her throwing his suitcase on the lawn. True love! He tells us he’ll miss her and that he has strong feelings for her, so apparently Saaphyri is the epitome of a good woman.

The next morning, Saaphyri starts to worry about her alliance. It’s a good time to do so, since she doesn’t really have one at this point. She says she’s Head of the Dumb Alliance though, so she sets off to talk with Myammee, possibly to create an even dumber one. Myammee is unironically swinging a banana around as they speak, and she totally isn’t trying to be phallic. A lack of dick jokes on a VH1 program? Blasphemy!

Saaphyri mentions that they’re both women and she admires Myammee’s womanly drive. Then she writes the dyke jokes for me by being like, “You’re a cute girl, you know what I’m sayin’?” Yes, Saaphyri’s saying she will literally fuck anything to get ahead. Myammee replies, “You just said I was ugly the other day,” and well, there’s really no getting out of that one. Saaphyri babbles about how people will say anything, and it just kind of proves she’s complimenting her in order to suck up really hard. Awkward. When Myammee isn’t swayed, Saaphyri shouts, “Why you always gotta be nekked at eliminations?” Myammee’s answer is like a chorus of angels: “I can’t help that. God made me like this, so don’t be mad at me, be mad at God.” Oh! Right!

A fight breaks out over whether Myammee is cute or beautiful, and whether or not she looks good in lingerie. This is seriously the most important subject matter on this show, amazing! Saaphyri says she came in trying to be real, but Myammee was trying to be jaded. I don’t think she was really being an a-hole to Saaphyri, but in confessional she says, “Maybe she’s mad because I float around in lingerie and she’s mad that she can’t wear lingerie. She has to wear sleepwear.” Whether that’s being an a-hole or not, it’s totally comic gold! Myammee insists Saaphyri leave the room, so Saaphyri lingers and hollers and shows her armpits more than necessary.

Time for the challenge deets! Craig’s picture summons the group downstairs, where he tells everyone to get into their bathing suits. He also says, “Do you hear me loud and clear?” and everyone assumes that’s a challenge hint. That’s probably true, but considering how often these people talk over each other, Craig could’ve just been clarifying.

Everyone loads into the van and heads to the challenge. They’re met with some kind of elevated disco thing, and somehow that leads Craig to talk about these shows attracting the loudest people. Then we’re treated to clips of people being assholes, natch. Craig says loud-mouthing can cause trouble, but today it might get everyone closer to the money! Therefore today’s challenge is called Loud Mouth. I would hate these competition names less if he didn’t explicitly say them in the challenge description, just FYI. Is there not one intern on this show who can suggest a better name? No? Okay then.

Today’s challenge will be a scream-off, so Myammee immediately fears Saaphyri will be Paymaster, which is probably apt. She’s a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets; she can scream her face off. Craig tells the contestants that two people will position themselves beneath a microphone and scream as loud and long as they can. Each person must scream at a level of 100 decibels. If someone falls below that level, they’ll immediately be dropped from their platform and into the ocean. The Dead Last Loser will be the person who falls below 100 decibels in the fastest time. Their check will automatically be placed in the box. Considering it’s week eleven and we still have eight contestants left, I was really hoping the Dead Last Loser would be eliminated on the spot, but so it goes!

Craig draws names, and 20 Pack will scream against Myammee. Angelique will go against It, while Ice competes with Tailor Made. That means the last pair is Saaphyri and Prancer, so…it was nice knowing ya, Prance.

20 Pack and Myammee start things off. Craig introduces them as “the super-cutie versus Myammee,” which is delightfully homoerotic. Thanks, Craig! The challenge is mostly uneventful; they stand and they shout, and…that’s about it. In confessional, 20 Pack tells us this is the one week he doesn’t want to be Paymaster, so he throws the challenge with a time of 11.4 seconds. He drops into the water and Myammee moves to the next round. Myammee celebrates!

In Ice and Tailor Made’s match-up, Tailor Made thinks he might die, as though he’s never shouted incessantly before. He falls into the water at 17.5 seconds. Then it’s time for Angelique and It. This round could pretty much go either way. They’re both useless, you know? I would’ve picked Angelique for the win, since moaning loudly is pretty much her job description, but she loses! Angelique’s time is 13.3 seconds, so 20 Pack is still in contention for being the Dead Last Loser.

For the final match-up in round one, Saaphyri and Prancer face off. Leading into it, Saaphyri brags about how she totally has this in the bag, which is usually a sure sign of foreshadowing. Alas, this is not the case! Except…wait. Prancer seems to stop screaming, but just as she does, Saaphyri tumbles into the water! Apparently Saaphyri cut off just before Prancer did!

She has a time of 14.3 seconds, and that means 20 Pack is officially the Dead Last Loser. He’s not concerned due to the deal he struck, but still, maybe he should’ve put forth a bit more effort. Too late for that now though! Now all the remaining contestants are part of the TMA, so the challenge is a little anticlimactic.

The next round begins with Prancer vs. Myammee. Prancer tells us she really wants to see Myammee get her weave wet, so for that reason alone, she totally wants to kick her ass. Love it! They both start shouting and harmonizing, but Prancer’s out first. In jubilation, Myammee does an unfortunate dance that involves a lot of ass-jiggling. It could not be screencapped because I value your vision.

Up next are It and Ice. It feels completely confident going into the challenge, but literally as soon as the round starts, his ass is in the water.

I wish there were a clock on screen so everyone could understand how pitiful he is. The cast heckles him as he flails and struggles like he just fell off the Titanic. That’s amusing for a good twenty seconds, but then it’s time for the final round! Myammee and Ice assume the position and scream for a very long time, but Ice can’t hold her own. Myammee wins! There is more dancing! In turn, there’s also some vomiting.

Back at the house, the TMA discusses their plans for the future. It looks forward to sending home the Former Green Alliance members, especially 20 Pack. This is mostly so he can continue to boink Saaphyri, but I guess we can pretend it’s somewhat strategic as well. Tailor Made immediately says they made a deal and can’t break their word, which is really endearing! He’s kind of genuine sometimes! Myammee and It’s nonstop giggling make it clear they are less genuine, however. Myammee says that since she wasn’t even in the room for the deal, all bets are off.

Tailor Made is really concerned about their pact, although it quickly comes out that it’s not out of the goodness of his heart. It’s just because the jury decided the final two last season, and he’s afraid 20 Pack will hold the elimination against him. Admittedly anyone who’s on the jury will have a ton of shit to hold against Tailor Made, so this point is kind of moot.

To cope with his nerves, Tailor Made gets wasted. He drunkenly confronts Prancer and says he thinks this deal might bite them in the ass, and she’s like, “Your breath is really bad right now.” This doesn’t go as he’d hoped. He then seeks out 20 Pack to give him a warning that their deal might’ve been a total sham. He is so freaking wasted he’s almost incomprehensible, although I guess that’s not much of a stretch. I’m just sayin’, he sounds like The Entertainer.

As he loudly drones about how he always keeps his word and they should take more shots, the camera pans over to Saaphyri, who’s hiding across the room. She is displeased to find out that 20 Pack has a side deal with Tailor Made. I’m displeased to find out she’s such a creeper. Tailor Made sort of skirts around the issue that Myammee is likely sending 20 Pack home, and instead he says 20 Pack needs to step it up on the Power Outing. 20 Pack questions whether or not his safety is a done deal, and Tailor Made is like, “Totally! Done deal! But…stepping up would be cool.” Indubitably.

After Tailor Made passes out and ends the discussion, Saaphyri stalks after 20 Pack to shout in his face. If only she’d done more of that in the challenge, who knows where we’d be! She is a bit intoxicated, to put it nicely, and she hollers about how he isn’t loyal. He stares blankly while she screams like a person on COPS, all wild and pantsless and wastyfaced. Her diatribe includes her saying, “That’s the only vendetta I got up in this bitch!” I really like when people use big words in a ridiculous sentence.

After a commercial break, we come back to Saaphyri still screaming. I’m not sure why this surprises me, but here we are! Saaphyri decides she has to convince Angelique to ditch 20 Pack, and Angelique is surprisingly rational. She’s just like, “I know, we were both misled and we’ll be screwed if we’re in the box.” Admittedly it’s captioned in Pidgin English, but she’s weirdly intelligent about all of it. Saaphyri theorizes that the women need to band together and put all the dudes in the box. Good to see she’s looking out for It!

In their bedroom, the TMA ladies talk about something very similar. They’re thinking the girls need to stick together, although they’re not feeling Angelique and Saaphyri. Most of the men in America are on their side with that one. They decide their girly alliance will be called the PGA, the Pretty Girl Alliance. I don’t love it, but at least they already abbreviated it for me!

The next morning, it’s time for the vault ceremony!

The voting process should be pretty negligible, but before they begin, Saaphyri asks to speak. She points out that there are four girls in the vault, and eventually the men will overpower them. That’s why the ladies need to band together and send them home! This is true enough, but it might’ve been better to bring this up in private. Now it’s just awkward.

Ice asks if they can vote, so they start with Saaphyri. Prancer, Tailor Made, Ice and It vote for her, which comes as a shock only to her. Ice gets zero votes, but Prancer receives three from 20 Pack, Saaphyri and Angelique. Saaphyri and 20 Pack want Tailor Made in the box, and Saaphyri and Angelique want It in the box. 20 Pack is absent from that decision, which leads Angelique to freak out inexplicably. Literally 15 seconds ago she abstained from voting for Tailor Made, so what is her problem? 20 Pack raises his hand for It just to shut her up, but really, who cares?

The four TMA members vote to put Angelique in the box, so with that, we have our nominees! They’re not exactly a shock, so in an attempt to shake things up, Saaphyri steps forward and quits before they can put her check in the box. Awesome! Thanks for playing, Saaphyri!

Craig explains that she’s fairly close to the $250,000, so why quit now? She says it’s to show the people at home that this whole voting process is bullshit. See, I’d say it only feels like bullshit when you’re hated by everyone, but I feel the same way about Luke on The Amazing Race. I would have some choice hand gestures for that dude, if you know what I mean. Saaphyri screeches for Craig to void her check, so he asks one more time if she wants to quit. Can’t you just leave things well enough alone, Craig?! That’s her cue to ask It what she should do.

We’re treated to another clip of It licking her feet, and this time it comes with slurping noises! I would pay them both $250,000 to never hear that again, but whatever, It thinks she should stay and compete. He babbles about how girls look up to Saaphyri, and they desire weaves and lip gloss, so she needs to stay and make that happen. Then he starts talking about getting pregnant by a drug dealer, which is certainly relevant, and that leads her to want to stay. Of course she puts her check in the box and decides against quitting, which just makes me hate her. Go home! There are still so many people left! Do us all a favor!

Now that we have the nominees, Craig calls Myammee in to hear the results. She straight-up grins when she hears Saaphyri’s name as a nominee. You can be sure there’s some dancing.

The TMA leaves the vault and hurries to tell Myammee about the Saaphyri/It interaction. From an alliance standpoint, of course it was stupid to stand up for Saaphyri, so they immediately attack him. Prancer cries, “You are so next to go!” and It is like, “What are we talking about?” He claims he had no clue it was a bad idea to encourage his competition to stay, which prompts Myammee to say, “A penis and vagina are coming between our alliance.” They’re coming indeed. Myammee concludes Saaphyri has to go home, which makes Tailor Made a happy panda.

Time for the Power Outing! Myammee’s hair is wrapped in a towel, which seems unnecessary when you’re out and about. Why cover up so much?

The outing is at a spa, so everyone will get a massage. Angelique squeals that she can’t wait to get naked, but uh, she’s already halfway there. Everyone begins their pampering, and Myammee decides to talk strategy during the massages. She asks 20 Pack how he’s doing, but he’s sound asleep, that’s how he’s doing. She screeches until he wakes up, and then tells him, “Don’t worry about it.” Seems like she might be changing her mind about elimination! She tells us in confessional that it offends her that he’s not paying attention on her Power Outing. She knows he thinks he’s safe, but he needs to kiss her ass a little more.

Myamee moves to Angelique and asks why she should stay in the house. Angelique says she’s weaker than Myammee, and she can only win a challenge if it involves putting her mouth against someone’s asshole, so she should totally stick around. As you can imagine, this is not the best way to make a case for herself. Angelique goes on to say they should send the stronger people home so they have a chance to win, so 20 Pack needs to go. Luckily he’s still passed out cold, so this comment doesn’t offend him.

The group moves on to have lunch, and Myammee tells us she’s not going to send Angelique home. It’s down to the other two schmucks, so she has to get inside Saaphyri’s head and find out what’s really going on with It. Saaphyri gets defensive immediately, saying It has nothing to do with anything. She also references Myammee’s “big marshmallow head,” so yeah, she’s really putting up a good fight.

Myammee says It is getting sidetracked by Saaphyri. If he was really on the TMA’s side, he would’ve told Saaphyri to go home in the vault, but he let them down. Saaphyri insists Tailor Made is far closer with It than she is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s not true. I don’t think It has sucked Tailor Made’s feet or dick. Saaphyri says if Myammee wants to send her home, then there’s nothing she can do, so…that settles it. What a successful outing!

Apparently the solo time is optional this week, because everyone finishes lunch and heads home. 20 Pack tells Ice he’s nervous about the elimination ceremony, even though they’ve got that agreement. Ice replies that he’d totally be safe if she were Paymaster, but since it’s Myammee, it’s a toss-up. Suddenly it dawns on 20 Pack to ask if Myammee was in the room during the agreement, and lo, she was not! That throws everything into a cocked hat.

Time for elimination! 20 Pack feels slightly more confident than he did a few minutes ago, but Saaphyri feels doomed.

Craig asks Myammee how it feels to be Paymaster, and she says it’s great. It’s equally great to see the members of the Former Green Alliance as the nominees, so she says maybe she’ll send all three home tonight. Craig reminds her that she’s cute, but not cute enough to make that happen. Burn! He totally looks to 20 Pack for feedback after that. Someone’s got a mancrush!

When asked for the first check recipient, Myammee calls Angelique forward. Angelique happily forces a lingeried hug on Myammee, who replies in confessional, “Okay, whatever, get out the way. Let me just send one of these two home.” Myammee keeps it simple, y’all!

She shoves Angelique’s carcass away and starts to analyze the bottom two. Craig points out that 20 Pack is largely a physical competitor, whereas Saaphyri is…large? Saaphyri interviews that no one could tell her she’s not going home (double negatives, aieee!), unless Jesus himself came and told her. That statement takes us to a commercial break, after which I am seriously hoping for a Christ cameo.

Alas, we come back to the same old business. Myammee says 20 Pack’s the strongest player here, but he made an alliance with her alliance. That makes it hard for her to decide what to do. She thinks she could easily beat Saaphyri, but her alliance wants Saaphyri out, so she’s torn there as well. With that, she calls 20 Pack forward.

Myammee reiterates the plan: he sent home Buckwild, so they’re supposed to have his back. She’s always going to go with her alliance and they want 20 Pack out, so his check is bounced! This completely contradicts everything she said before, but hey! Tailor Made and 20 Pack share similar emotions over this, such as interminable woe.

Myammee happily tells Saaphyri that she should’ve quit today, but it’s okay because Myammee can totally beat her down. Somehow Saaphyri refrains from ripping her entire head off, even when Myammee says she’d like to murder Saaphyri. My, how people change.

Next time on I Love Money 2…

What say you? Were you sad to see Myammee do 20 Pack dirty? Are you hopeful that It and Saaphyri will never do the dirty ever again? Leave your thoughts!