I Love Money 2: Ice Capades

This week on I Love Money 2, Saaphyri shakes things up! Surprisingly this is not a literal remark about her thunderous ass.

We open to Myammee confronting It about Saaphyri. She wants to make sure his priorities are in line, so she lectures him about how he messed up once but it’s all good now. Saaphyri listens to this from three feet away, and needless to say it doesn’t please her. Another thing that displeases her: life.

Across the room, Tailor Made paces nervously. Since the TMA voted against him and ousted 20 Pack, he’s afraid the alliance will turn on him now. It doesn’t help that the PGA is conspiring against him in the bedroom while he woefully lingers outside. Awkward!

FYI, Prancer is looking super adorable, albeit slightly turtleicious. Prancer tells the ladies that Tailor Made is worried, and Ice is all like, “Whatever, giving our word doesn’t mean shit! Fuck that, I’ll tell you what you want to hear and then stab you, motherfucker!” Ice speaks as though she’s in a really intense Wayans Brothers movie all the time. She tells us the PGA’s first goal is to get rid of Saaphyri and Angelique, and then they’ll whittle away the men of the TMA.

The next morning, Craig’s picture summons the cast downstairs. He tells them to put on their bathing suits, and to hang on because they’re almost there. Prancer instantly realizes that “hang on” is a hint that they’ll be doing the stripper pole challenge from last year. Excellent! She’s worried Angelique will do well in the challenge, although I can’t imagine why.

Prancer and Myammee want to practice their pole-dangling before the challenge, so Tailor Made is awkwardly like, “Why don’t you use my leg?” Similarly, why not use his dick? That won’t be weird!

Myammee practices on the bedroom curtains, and then It rehearses by hanging on her torso. This is acceptable while he buries his face in her cleavage, but when he comments that her butt’s soft like a pillow, she gets a little skeeved out. Those sweet words must be the keys to Saaphyri’s heart, because we cut to her talking about her alliance, which apparently includes It now. Whatevs! She and Angelique brainstorm challenge ideas, which goes as well as you’d imagine. Neither of them think they’ll be hanging from stripper poles, because it would be so out of character for this show to repeat history.

Saaphyri says It will do whatever she wants, so Angelique says it’s Saaphyri’s job to make that happen. Angelique really has no other option but to go along with Saaphyri at this point, so she’ll say anything. Then Saaphyri tells her that Prancer, Myammee and Ice are in a secret alliance, which…wow, Saaphyri seriously creeps on everyone in the house. I can genuinely picture her camped out under the beds in the TMA bedroom. They decide one of them must become Paymaster to defeat the other alliances.

With that, everyone loads into the vans and heads off. They’re met by a set of swinging life preservers, not stripper poles, so that throws everything into a cocked hat. Angelique doesn’t know what to do with herself! Craig greets the contestants by reminding them of Flavor of Love 1, when Flav was going to see New York and almost fell into the ocean. Luckily for all of us, he grabbed onto a lifeboat and hung on for dear life. Going along with that, the most boring story of all time, the challenge is called Hang On, Flav.

Each person will jump in the water and grab onto a life preserver. Then a crane will raise them into the air. Craig calls this extremely simple, but considering the people in question, I’m going to veto that idea. Whoever hangs on longest will be the Paymaster. The person who falls first will be the Dead Last Loser and will automatically go in the strongbox. Again, no automatic eliminations. Boo!

The cast suits up for the competition, but that proves difficult for Angelique, whose boobs are too big for the life vest. For those who’ve wondered if there’s anything grosser than Angelique’s tits, lo, there is – Angelique’s tits smooshed into Gore-tex. Somehow everyone perseveres and jumps into the water, but Myammee lingers behind. She’s been avoiding the water for several competitions now, citing how dirty it is, but this time she’s also missing her beloved swim cap. We know that weave cannot get wet!

Craig tells Myammee that if she refuses to participate in the challenge, she’ll automatically go in the strongbox. That’s enough motivation for her to jump in, so she goes onward and joins the rest of the group. The contestants have a second to position themselves before being hoisted into the air, and everyone does so wisely!

Sorry, everyone does so wisely except for It, of course. Tailor Made describes It as dangling like a piñata, which is an apt comparison. It is baffled that everyone put their legs through the raft! What a crazy idea! After 1:07, It falls into the water and becomes the Dead Last Loser. Shocking! Everyone else makes a pretty good effort, just hangin’ and swayin’.

Ice hits the water at 3:07, which prompts Tailor Made to start begging his teammates not to fall. This seems like a reputable thing, like, “Stay in there for the team, y’all!” In reality, it’s just because his weak ass is about to quit the game. Myammee falls at 4:44 and leaves her alliance in the dust, at which point Tailor Made whines and flails over the injustice of having to be a man.

Dude, look at Angelique go! She seriously has Barbie Body there, completely plastic and disjointed. She hangs freely for about twenty seconds before trying to shift her weight, but all of a sudden, she hits the water at 5:33! I hate to say I gasped, but holy crap, I totally did. The competition is down to Prancer, Tailor Made and Saaphyri now, and those are unexpected candidates at best.

Tailor Made begs Prancer to stay put, but she takes the plunge at 9:55. That leaves Tailor Made and Saaphyri, and Saaphyri is friggin’ in it to win it. She starts praying to sweet baby Jesus to forgive her for her sins, like all those times she’s cussed out bitches she really doesn’t like. Also, all those times she shot people. Those sucked too.

Through the grace of God and the sheer force of Tailor Made’s pussydom, Tailor Made falls at 13:14! Saaphyri is Paymaster! There is much celebrating between her and Angelique, while It stares blankly. I guess that means he’s happy too.

Everyone’s escorted out of the water, but Prancer doesn’t go as easily. Sadly this isn’t because she’s protesting the competition, but because she hurt herself in the fall. She has to be hauled from the water, at which point she cries to Saaphyri, “My leg got fucked up. I’m hoping to die.” Oh! Okay then! Saaphyri is sympathetic enough to her face, postulating that Prancer might’ve broken her femur, but in confessional she yuks it up. She says this isn’t season one and Prancer ain’t Toastee, so she doesn’t believe any of it. Maybe Prancer should try fake fainting and see what Saaphyri thinks of that.

As an ambulance zooms away with Prancer’s body, everyone else heads back to the house in somber moods. Yeah, Prancer’s gone, but more importantly Saaphyri is Paymaster! The TMA gathers to talk strategy, and they decide almost immediately that Prancer’s broken ass should be in the box. She comes back to the house fairly quickly with her leg all taped up, and then she anticlimactically reveals that her leg is bruised. You can just feel the energy sap from the house. Everyone was hoping for a loose bone at least, but alas, thanks for the effort.

Even though Prancer seems like a strongbox candidate, Ice sets off to find Angelique. The PGA would need one more vote to get Tailor Made in the box, so Ice feels like she should reach out to Angelique. Of course Saaphyri listens in on their entire conversation, but after a certain point that’s no longer a shock. Angelique reminds Ice that Tailor Made saved her from elimination, so she wouldn’t want to vote for him. That’s Ice’s cue to pitch this great idea about the ladies teaming up. They’ll defeat the boys! Female power! Except, you know, Saaphyri suggested that the day before and it went over like a lead balloon. The plan gets a similar reaction today, especially since Saaphyri wants Myammee out and doesn’t give a shit about anyone else. Simple enough!

After Ice leaves, Angelique sets off after Tailor Made. She requests his presence in a discussion with Saaphyri and It, and Tailor Made immediately recognizes they want to form an alliance. Either he’s smartened up or they’re really freaking obvious, it’s a toss-up. Sure enough, they sit him down and Saaphyri says the ladies in his alliance are after him. She thinks the boys should team up with her and Angelique to form a superior alliance, and they could put Ice and Myammee in the box. Tailor Made nods blankly and thanks her for telling him, so Saaphyri tells us in confessional that he’s either retarded or really in the dark. This episode is all about the toss-ups!

Later on, Saaphyri and Angelique cheerfully head over to chat with Prancer and Ice. They’re just ridiculously happy, which serves as a fun contrast to Prancer’s exhausted ass. Saaphyri feigns concern over Prancer’s leg and then asks who they want in the box. They instantly reply, “Tailor Made.” Ice picks him because she wants the PGA to go all the way, whereas Prancer wants to see a boy go home. All of this seems fairly obvious – after all, didn’t Ice just have this same conversation with Saaphyri and Angelique a few minutes ago? But wait, there’s a catch!

Tailor Made’s planted on the couch during this entire conversation! Saaphyri’s shady ways are really catching on! She chats the girls up, asking why they’d choose Tailor Made, and Prancer says it’s because Saaphyri wouldn’t send It home. There’s much laughter, almost as though everyone is on the same page, and then Tailor Made bolts upright on the couch. Whoops! Their bad! Prancer flops down prostrate on the couch she’s seated upon, like if she hides just long enough, he’ll forget this conversation ever happened.

Ice tells us she’s worried the PGA might have to break up now that they’re out in the open. This seems like a wise idea – if everyone’s onto you, work against each other so you’re all completely screwed! Yay! Tailor Made is much more confident than the ladies. Now he can work on getting Prancer and Ice into the box, and he doesn’t even have to feel bad about it.

Later that night, Saaphyri and It have a post-coital strategy session. She mumbles something about Myammee, and when he doesn’t understand (as he often doesn’t), she flips her shit. He tells her she’s dumb, so she tells him to get the fuck out of her room. In confessional, she says, “I want him to do what I want him to do when I want him to do it.” Seems reasonable enough! She decides that if Myammee’s not in the box, It is going home. They bicker back and forth about which one is a dumbass, and then she asks if he’s going to do it. Presumably she means “vote for Myammee,” but he decides she means “have sex” so he tries to mount her. Ugh.

The next morning, Myammee sadly announces she’s going to start packing her things. Tailor Made tells her that stranger things have happened, so not to worry about being eliminated. Myammee is the only girl he trusts at this point, so he wants to get Prancer and Ice in the box instead of her. That gives him a window to suggest they team up with Angelique. Supposedly there’s a good chance Angelique won’t vote for Myammee, so Tailor Made’s philosophy is to watch their backs and not vote for people unnecessarily. I feel like this is moot, since Angelique is totally voting Myammee’s ass out of there, but whatevskies.

This sentiment comforts Myammee, so she leaves to find It. He’s sleeping even though it’s midday, because of course he is. She begs him to vote for Prancer, and he gives her a mighty definitive response.

As she hisses to It that he can’t tell Saaphyri about this plan, Saaphyri stomps in and asks what’s going on. Saaphyri must have a Spidey Sense because otherwise it’s out of control how hard she’s spying on everyone. Myammee lies and says she asked It about being sent home, but all that does is make Saaphyri more suspicious. Clearly Myammee’s trying to steal her man! He’s such a catch.

Time for the vault ceremony! As the Dead Last Loser, It is automatically in the strongbox, but everyone must vote on the other nominees. Angelique starts the ceremony by explaining that it’s better for the TMA to put two of their members in the box. If they put her in, she’ll be safe, so…um, that sentence doesn’t really have much of a point. God bless her for trying though!

She asks who wants to vote for Myammee, but we’re treated to shots of Saaphyri outside the vault, then shots of the walls, etc. Don’t screw with us, I Love Money! This is not the time nor place for a cliffhanger! Angelique runs through the list of nominees, but we don’t get to see any of the votes. Then Saaphyri is brought into the vault, and for once, the results will be as much of a surprise to us as they are to her.

The first check in the strongbox is It, natch. When it comes to the second check, we pan to Myammee quietly weeping, so it seems sort of obvious that her name will be up soon. Alas, Ice has the second check. Then the third check is…Prancer’s! Myammee’s safe! Saaphyri screeches in commentary about how someone did something janky during the voting, which needed to be mentioned because I love the word janky.

We cut to clips of the voting process. When Ice’s name came up, she received votes from Angelique, Tailor Made, It and Myammee. During Prancer’s turn, she got votes from Angelique, It, Ice, and Myammee. Myammee’s only votes came from Angelique, It and Prancer, so she rightfully earned her safety. Regardless of how things played out, Saaphyri is totally pissed. She interviews about how Tailor Made always wants to be “Captain Save-a-ho,” but really, who doesn’t?

After the ceremony, Myammee leaves to talk with Ice. She’s worried Ice will hate her, but to Ice’s credit, she’s just like, “Meh, it happens.” Ice must be the chillest friend ever. You’re like, “I wrecked your car,” and Ice is like, “Meh, I’ve wrecked them harder.” Myammee weeps all over Ice’s shoulder, but Ice is confident. Saaphyri doesn’t have any reason to get rid of her, but Saaphyri doesn’t have any reason for doing most things, yet she trods onward nonetheless!

Elsewhere in the house, a tearful Prancer limps in to talk with Saaphyri. Saaphyri’s holding court with It and Angelique, but she deigns to make time for Prancer anyway. Prancer sobs over the unfairness of being in the box, and Saaphyri recognizes that she’s Prancer’s last hope. Of course that doesn’t mean shit – just because she recognizes does not mean she cares. Prancer says Myammee was disrespectful to Saaphyri, and then she sums it up by saying, “I just think she’s, like…super foul right now.” This doesn’t even garner a snort from Saaphyri, which could mean she’s taking her seriously or that she fell asleep during the conversation.

Time for the Power Outing! Saaphyri and the nominees are escorted to a beach club, where a gentleman ethnically tells them what they’ll be doing. This is met with general confusion, so they settle on sitting by the pool and getting wasteyfaced instead. Saaphyri gives It the very important job of fanning her down, so while he works, he asks Ice what she can do for Saaphyri.

Ice explains that everyone in her alliance voted against her, so right now she’s flying solo. Prancer echoes these sentiments and says that’s why she deserves to stay. She’ll help to get Myammee out, and while Ice might do the same thing, Ice will probably work against Saaphyri. Prancer says Ice is stronger than her at this point, so Ice counters, “You have no bruises on your leg.” This is true enough, but Prancer replies that she has a contusion. Then she asks if Ice knows what that word means. Ice probably does, but Saaphyri clearly does not because she makes all kinds of faces. Mayhaps she thinks Prancer said “contortion.”

When that gets boring, Saaphyri asks who voted for Myammee. Prancer replies with the names quickly, since it totally benefits her, and it becomes glaringly obvious that Ice didn’t vote for Myammee. Her explanation for this is like, “Oh, well, Myammee’s my girl.” Yes, seems like you’re best buds! Ice claims that if Myammee were in the box, then Myammee definitely would’ve been sent home. Apparently that idea is offensive to her. Saaphyri points out that Ice is willing to give up her check so Myammee can have a better chance, and Ice doesn’t really have much to say back to that other than “Bwah?”.

Everyone settles down for lunch, during which Ice says she doesn’t feel like her alliance has her back. Somehow the group refrains from being like, “No shit!” Instead they’re distracted by fish leaping from the ocean. Saaphyri is excited to see dolphins, but Prancer corrects her and says they’re manta rays. I genuinely did not know this was an animal; I really thought she was combining “manatee” and “stingray,” and it made me ridiculously happy. We’re going to pretend that’s what went on!

Time for the solo session! Saaphyri asks to share the time with Ice, which only seems fair, since Ice is still hanging mid-sentence from before the manta ray sighting. In confessional, Saaphyri says, “I don’t know this girl or boy. I have never really sat in this house and talked to him.” Love it! This is the Saaphyri we’ve been missing all season! We need more of that and less of her scantily clad body.

Ice starts the one-on-one time by making a great case for herself, gleefully saying that Saaphyri’s challenge performance was a shock since she seemed like the weakest person in the house.

Ice interviews that she’s saying what Saaphyri wants to hear, but uh, I don’t think she wants to hear how hard she sucks unless it’s in an oral connotation. Regardless, Ice carries on and says Saaphyri should gun for the strongest people, like It and Prancer. Prancer’s not any worse for wear due to that injury; Ice totally thinks she’s faking. Saaphyri doesn’t speak about that, but she says Ice is loyal to the TMA, so Ice might not be willing to backstab them. Saaphyri would like to see Ice get revenge, but then the Power Outing is over, so we’ll have to wait on the verdict.

Back at the house, Prancer ices her leg, which delights everyone. She might not be playing up the injury for the camera, but everyone already thinks she’s faking, so calling attention to it doesn’t help. The icepack, however, is an enormous help.

Time for the elimination ceremony! Prancer is terrified, but Ice is a little more confident, since she thinks Saaphyri will see through Prancer’s BS. Craig starts the ceremony by reminding us that the TMA was on top last week, but now they’ve completely fallen apart. Myammee bursts into rapid-fire tears, saying it would’ve been suicide to go in the box. Prancer says Myammee sent them on her suicide mission, which was fucked up.

Craig really doesn’t care, so he asks for the first check recipient. Minds are blown and lives are changed when Saaphyri brings It forward first. She holds the void stamp over his check and literally begs him to say he loves her. He consents, so she asks how much he loves her. He spreads his arms wide to show he loves her that much, but then she asks him to twirl, and ugh it’s all so unfortunate. He spins around like a top and then receives his check. How unexpected!

It’s down to Prancer and Ice. Saaphyri reminds Prancer that she was ready to turn on the TMA five minutes after the vault ceremony. If her leg is so injured though, why does she even want to stay? On the other hand, Ice was stupid not to vote for Myammee. Ice is very loyal but it’s suicide not to watch out for herself.

Saaphyri calls Prancer forward. She says she and Prancer could be on the same page, but Prancer can’t really be of assistance if that leg is so hurt. Still, Saaphyri doesn’t want any dudes in the house, so…Ice is going home! Prancer gasps with joy and gives Saaphyri a big hug, while Ice shifts her legs to hide her ballsack.

After eliminations, Myammee interviews that Saaphyri knows what she’s doing; Saaphyri loves to carry girls under her tits. “She loves to, like, cup ‘em, put her tit back down and walk around with ‘em,” sayeth Myammee.

Fittingly, next week’s challenge is actually called Iron Boobs! I literally cannot wait to find out what “of Love” scene they took that from.

What say you? Were you glad to see Ice go? Are you even following the show now that the big guns have been eliminated? Leave your thoughts!