I Love Money 2: A Titillating Turn of Events

This week on I Love Money 2, people can’t stop talking about boobs! I don’t know how this is different from any other episode, but it’s still worth mentioning.

We open to Myammee and Tailor Made discussing their competition. Tailor Made says Prancer is the most athletic person in the house, and she wants them out, so the TMA really has to eliminate her ASAP. The TMA is now Tailor Made, Myammee and It. Ugh, I hate that It is still in this friggin’ game, still probably going to win it.

On the other side of the house, Saaphyri and Prancer discuss their newfound alliance. This consists of the two of them, plus Angelique and possibly It. I don’t really care enough to come up with an abbreviated name for these folks, because let’s face it, this is bound to fall apart within the episode. Let’s keep our fingers crossed! Prancer wonders aloud when this game will be over, and then scrambles to say that she doesn’t want it to be over, but she sure is wondering. I feel ya, girl. This series is so long, we’re not even getting the requisite clip show week! Anyway, Prancer and Saaphyri decide they have to win Paymaster so that evil people won’t overcome. As we know, they are both saints.

Myammee, Angelique, and It meet to talk shit about Prancer. None of them believe she’s being truthful about that injury, and Myammee thinks Saaphyri needs to see through it. She says the Prancer/Saaphyri friendship is faker than Angelique’s boobs, which is completely delightful, although I have to wonder if Myammee has any room to talk there. None of the ladies on this show are exactly known for their hatred of plastic surgery, you know what I mean? Angelique agrees with Myammee anyway, saying Prancer is turning against people all the time. According to the caption, she also says, “She shouldn’t be sent home,” but let’s assume that’s an editing mistake. Alternately, let’s assume Angelique is functionally retarded.

Time for the challenge deets! Craig’s picture summons the cast downstairs, where they’re told the next challenge will either enhance or reduce their chances of winning the money. “Enhance or reduce” clearly means they’ll be dealing with tatters, so maybe Craig will determine if Myammee’s are real or not! Myammee decides the competition will relate to who has the biggest and/or nicest tits, which…yeah. That seems accurate.

Everyone gets ready for the challenge, but Saaphyri calls It aside first. You’d think it’s to strategize and decide who they need to take out, but instead she tells him to clean up his mess in the bedroom. She specifically requests he put his shoes away, which implies they’re the worst things about the room.

I know we can only see a small corner of the room in that shot, but you can just smell the filth in that place. It moans and groans about how it’s like they’re really living together, and she says they are living together. Admittedly it’s in a vacation house and Saaphyri only cares about cleanliness because cameras are on, but whatevs! She interviews that she needs It working for her in every context. She doesn’t care if he’s in an alliance with Tailor Made as long as he does whatever she wants. It asks how she felt about sending Ice home, and she says she’d have preferred to see Tailor Made go instead. I guess that Myammee feud is old hat.

Everyone heads off to the competition. They’re met with an obstacle course and some enormous tit props. The cast acts as though this is normal, which I guess isn’t a shock considering their lives. Craig says that if you have the ability to handle large breasts, you’ll do well on VH1 shows. We’re treated to tit clips, which are impressive to various degrees.

Was that clip really the best one they could find? Not one person on Flavor of Love 2 had a better rack than that? Okay then. Craig says the contestants will maneuver through an obstacle course while wearing a giant boob apparatus. The challenge is called Iron Boob, although I sincerely wish it were called Giant Boob Apparatus. Saaphyri immediately says this challenge is unfair. She already has titties, so she won’t be able to handle these activities! I’m crying a river and building a bridge for her.

In order to be successful in this challenge, a contestant must complete each obstacle before moving on to the next. If they don’t complete the obstacle, they’ll have to start it again. With that, it’s time to compete!

Going into the challenge, Angelique feels confident. She says her boobs aren’t really big, but she knows how to hold them. I don’t know if that statement is ironic, but I do know it’s upsetting. Prancer is similarly delighted by the competition. You’ll remember that she’s only doing this show so she can buy breast implants, so this is like being a queen for a day! It must be fun to have such high standards.

Craig draws balls from a bag to decide the competition order. Tits and balls — ho ho this challenge is witty! Myammee is up first. Craig gives her the signal and she takes off running. The obstacle course includes jumping hurdles, squeezing past columns, running through tires, balancing on a beam, and swimming to a buoy in the ocean. Myammee is remarkably fast at everything up until she hits the water. The boobs serve as a fabulous floatation device, but coupled with the life jacket she’s already wearing, she’s pretty much immobile. It feels like a half-hour before she reaches the buoy, and then she has to circle around it and come back to shore. She finally stumbles to the finish line with a time of 1:58, which is just shy of two minutes, not two hours as this montage indicated.

Tailor Made is next. He says no one will be able to beat his time in the water, but the water portion only takes up 25% of this challenge, so he is a fool. Sure enough, clown music accompanies him on his journey. He makes it through the first two obstacles, but promptly faceplants into the tires. Success! When he gets into the water, he pushes his boobies up to his shoulders so he can swim around them, which is a surprisingly good idea. He finishes with a time of 1:49.

Then it’s Prancer’s turn. Prancer leaps over the hurdles with the greatest of ease, which does little to support that injury drama. Whoops. She reaches the water within 30 seconds, pushes her face between her boobs, and swims freely. All is well until she hits the shore, where she starts running and then falls into a heap. Oh no, her leg has given out! Y’all can vouch that I’m a Prancer supporter, but even I have to laugh at this point. You can’t gallop down the beach and then fall when you remember your leg’s supposed to be broken! Somehow she moans her way to the finish line, coming in with a time of 1:35. Surprisingly she can stand and celebrate! My mind, it’s blown.

Saaphyri is next, and she knows she’s screwed. She smokes and also weighs as much as a chimney, so how can she possibly pull this off? She decides she’ll only win at having a heart attack, but she takes off for the challenge anyway. Myammee comments that Saaphyri’s challenge boobs are better than Saaphyri’s real boobs, since the challenge ones don’t have scars. Burn! This is the funniest part of Saaphyri’s turn, which mostly involves her walking and wandering in circles. Her time is 2:14, so she moves into last place. Not to worry, though: It’s up next, so he’ll probably take over for her in just a second.

It interviews that he’s going to use his Superman skills for this competition, which makes me sigh enormously. He’s adept at the hurdles, but then he falls directly into the columns. He falls off the balance beam and doggy-paddles in place in the water. Essentially he’s a total asshole and I’d like for him to be shot, just in case you wondered! As he crosses the finish line, he inquires as to whether he did badly. No, a time of 3:15 is very respectable. Insert eye-roll here.

Now it all comes down to Angelique. She does really well up until the tire section, at which point she thinks you walk on top of the tires, as opposed to putting your feet inside the holes. This could be a cultural thing, sure – I can’t imagine they do this very often in France, but still, she just saw everyone else finish the challenge. She has to start that part over, but she’s still in the water by around 30 seconds. She’s actually pretty remarkable by all counts, but she finishes with a time of 1:44. That means Prancer is the Paymaster! Angelique whines about how this challenge wasn’t fair, but I don’t think it’s fair that she’s such an idiot, so there’s that. Speaking of idiots, It is the Dead Last Loser. What a shame!

Before the cast can return to the house, Craig tells them they’ll have the vault ceremony today, which means someone will be sent home tonight. Finally we’re picking up the pace here! The heightened speed worries Myammee, who thinks Saaphyri has Prancer under her wing. I’m 99% sure she said “wing,” but considering last week’s delightful tit analogy, I’m going to hold out hope that she might’ve said “ween.”

Everyone heads home, where Tailor Made immediately pulls It aside. Tailor Made says It needs to vote for Saaphyri and Angelique. Since Saaphyri won’t go home, Tailor Made thinks she’ll have no reason to be mad. We all know this is total crap, but It will probably buy it. Tailor Made reasons that all the girls will vote for him if he’s in the box, so It needs to keep him safe. As an afterthought, he throws Myammee’s name in there too, like all of a sudden he remembered that alliance concept. It babbles incoherently in response, but he also mentions that he’ll vote for Myammee over Saaphyri. Woe befalls Tailor Made.

It heads upstairs to talk strategy with Angelique and Saaphyri. He wonders if Tailor Made will mind if It votes for him, and Saaphyri’s like, “Oh yeah, he’ll love you! Do what I say, fucker.“

Downstairs, Tailor Made and Myammee draw up some charts and graphs to analyze the voting process. It was totally lame when they did this weeks ago, and it hasn’t gotten any cooler. Tailor Made realizes It is the deciding vote. As long as It doesn’t vote for Myammee, they’ll be fine, but they still have to convince him to do what they want. So far this has gone poorly. Tailor Made says It listens to Saaphyri like she’s his master. At this point, It gleefully wanders into frame and Tailor Made tells him what needs to happen. Hypocrisy, thy name is Tailor Made!

Tailor Made tells It to vote for Angelique, and It cheerfully yells, “Yeah!” Methinks he just got a blowjob, because otherwise there’s no reason for him to be so jolly. If that’s the case, then obviously he’s going to vote however Saaphyri wants. Regardless, Tailor Made asks who else It will vote for – Myammee or Saaphyri. Then he says it has to be Saaphyri, and It agrees. We shall see.

It promptly goes upstairs to converse with Saaphyri. She says he has to tell Tailor Made he’ll vote with her or else she’ll get mad, and he yeses her to death. Saaphyri interviews that she sometimes thinks that It can’t be that dumb, he has to be plotting. If we’re living on a planet where Saaphyri is correct, then stop the world, I want to get off.

Time for the vault ceremony! It’s check is immediately placed into the strongbox. In confessional, It mocks the other contestants for thinking he’s dumb, saying they don’t know what the outcome will be. If there’s a God in this world, this will not be foreshadowing. It laughs wildly as the ceremony begins, and with that, the voting commences.

Saaphyri asks who wants to vote for Tailor Made, and she and Angelique raise their hands. She glares hard at It when he does nothing, but she straight-up murders him when he abstains from voting for Myammee as well. The TMA votes for both Angelique and Saaphyri, so with that, we have our nominees! It finds this delightful.

Craig announces that we have a consensus, but Angelique comes forward to say this is fucked up, so she’s going home now. Goodbye! Please quit for real, unlike Saaphyri a few weeks ago! She yells about how she’s been loyal this whole time, so she’s not competing with someone who’s been mid-loyal. Then she starts speaking French, or at least some backwards-ass English. She says she never gives up, so…she’d like to quit. Okay! She and Craig argue back and forth about whether or not she’d like to give up, and 25 minutes later, Saaphyri comes forward to change Angelique’s mind.

Saaphyri says that if Angelique quits, then two people will go home as opposed to one. She’s basically saying, “If you quit, then I’ll probably go home right after you, so please get eliminated this week.” She encourages Angelique to curse Prancer out if necessary, but to also stick it out and drink shots of tequila. Angelique counters with, “I don’t drink anyway,” which….yeah, I’m so sure. The ladies share a long hug, and Angelique decides she’ll just tell Prancer everything that’s on her mind. All this is to say she’s staying in the game. So, this was an enormous waste of time. Angelique ends the conversation by saying that if she went home, the camera would bite Prancer anyway.

Prancer enters the vault to hear the nominees. For someone who wants Myammee and Tailor Made eliminated, Prancer appears straight-up delighted by the nominations! Craig tells them to get ready for the Power Outing, and after a commercial break, we’re already there. I get the feeling even VH1 is tired of these shenanigans.

The outing is at a golf course, and considering how golf-like It’s tennis skills were on a previous outing, he should completely cock this up. Prancer’s goal for the trip is to find out what people can do for her. She owes Saaphyri, but she has to see who else can benefit her the most. Considering It hops into a golf cart and drives away from everyone else, I don’t think it’ll be him! He tells us he doesn’t have a license, so this is a good idea in general. Everyone else swings poorly until it’s time for lunch. Fascinating.

Prancer asks each person to state why they should stay. Saaphyri says she’s not the strongest person at the table, so she’s a keeper. It thinks he’s the fourth-weakest in the house, so…yeah, that isn’t really any kind of reason. Angelique says she’s as strong as Prancer, and if she hadn’t gotten confused during the challenge, they would’ve tied. She thinks it would be wise to get rid of It so the girls could compete against each other. Saaphyri thinks this is an amazing idea, but then again, she proposed this a few episodes back and everyone ignored her. Shockingly she doesn’t run that into the ground this time, but fuck it, I would’ve. However, she does mention that she was betrayed by a certain dickhead at the table.

Prancer jumps on this instantly, telling It she really wants the boys gone, so he needs to make a case for himself. Naturally this proves difficult. He mumbles about how Angelique will beat her, but the girls argue that Prancer and Angelique are equals. Prancer says she thought It was a complete jackass, but somehow he’s been getting stronger in each competition. He interviews that he would never try to play dumb. Apparently that would be bad, but being a liar is cool.

When it’s time for the solo session, Prancer chooses Angelique. She feels that Angelique dislikes her, but Angelique says she just doesn’t trust Prancer. It all started when Prancer turned on her, 20 Pack, and Heat. This was so many weeks ago I can barely remember Heat, but apparently these people made an impression on Angelique! Because of this, she says Prancer doesn’t deserve to be here. Prancer replies that Heat turned on her first, so she was just looking out for herself by switching sides. Prancer asks why Angelique wanted to quit, and apparently it all stemmed from this Heat issue long ago. Now that they understand each other better, all is well! They agree the guys need to go, so if Angelique stays, they’ll gun for Tailor Made next.

The group returns to the house, and It begins to worry about the eviction ceremony. He thinks the ladies might be plotting against him, which is a giant duh. He tells Tailor Made about his fears, and Tailor Made advises him to think like he’s Prancer. This is cool with It because now he can return to thinking about boobies. He kvetches that Prancer might eliminate him just because of his gender, and then in confessional he mentions that he’s always touching her ass. Um, I didn’t fault her for wanting him out before, but now I really don’t blame her.

It sprawls out on the couch with several empty bottles of liquor, and he and Tailor Made prepare for the worst. Tailor Made thinks It is safe, but It points out it’s his third time in the box. That worries Tailor Made. To be honest, I’m shocked he’s been in there so few times, so I can’t imagine why this has such a crazy effect on Tailor Made. It must be because he’s a moron.

Time for eliminations! Myammee’s lingerie is janky at best.

Angelique and It are both very worried about eliminations. Of the two, Angelique is able to vocalize her fears a little better, which is seriously saying something. Meanwhile, Saaphyri doesn’t really care who goes home as long as it isn’t her. She’ll be slightly mad if it’s It, but everyone has to go at some point, so it ain’t no thang. It’s a shame she didn’t feel the same way when Buckwild got the boot lo those weeks ago.

Craig asks It to make a final statement. It reminds us of the first episode, when everyone had to say why they wanted the money. Apparently he wanted it for his grandfather who had six months to live, so he’d really like to make things better for Gramps. Of course, in confessional It tells us he doesn’t even have a grandfather. That dude died years before It was born. Relatedly: I fucking hate It. Angelique says It has never mentioned Grandpa before, so that inspired me to check the week one recap. Indeed, It talked about wanting to open “a heavenly chicken wing spot.” Have I mentioned I really hate It?

It talks for 17 more minutes, and then it’s Angelique’s turn. She didn’t trust Prancer after Ye Olde Heat Betrayal, but now that Prancer’s explained the situation, things are good. Angelique thinks she should stay since she’s been loyal, while It has been a huge asshole. She promises to have Prancer’s back next week if she stays. Saaphyri swears the same thing and then adds, “And I’m not strong!” just in case anyone forgot.

Craig asks for the first check recipient, so Prancer says it’s for someone with whom she’s had a rollercoaster relationship. That’s Saaphyri! Saaphyri thanks Jesus and then Prancer, which seems appropriate. They pinkyswear as Saaphyri receives her check, as most grown-ass women do when celebrating an occasion.

Now it’s down to Angelique and It. Prancer recognizes that Angelique is her biggest competition, but she really wants one of the guys out, so she has a hard choice ahead of her. She’d never really spoken to Angelique before today, but they have a lot in common, ie: interest in large boobies. Angelique gave her word that if Prancer keeps her, she’ll help get rid of the boys, so that’s why Prancer wants Angelique to come forward.

Prancer belives Angelique will be trustworthy, but at this point, the game isn’t about alliances. She has to put herself in the best position to win, and that’s why she has to void Angelique’s check. It is safe! Angelique happily tells Prancer that karma’s a bitch, so Prancer and It won’t win the game. I’d probably give Angelique a hearty middle finger at that point, but whatevskies, Prancer’s a better person than I am!

Angelique concludes she’d rather be sent home for who she is than who she’s not, which really has nothing to do with this elimination ceremony. She wishes Saaphyri the best and then tells us she’s off to have sex in Vegas. What a lucky town! Meanwhile, Prancer tells It she hopes he’s as much of a loser as she thinks. Who can fault her for that?

Next week is the I Love Money 2 finale! There will be running, jumping, and weeping. Unfortunately that weeping might be on my behalf, since the finale features It speaking in a normal voice and not his usual retard tone. My heart, it aches.

What say you? Out of the final five, who do you think will pull this off? Leave your thoughts!