I Love Money 2: Bienvenido a Myammee

This week on I Love Money 2, we have a winner! This is a nice change from the wieners we’ve had all along.

We open to shots of rushing water, the sand meeting the sea. I suppose this emphasizes the way life continues on even though Angelique’s been eliminated, or maybe the producers just didn’t have any shots to fill this time. No matter! Tailor Made reminds us there are only five people left in the game now. He says loyalty is irrelevant, so today he needs to make sure he’s Paymaster.

Prancer says it’s mindblowing to be so close to winning $250,000. Myammee agrees, but she interviews that the worst possible scenario is Prancer becoming Paymaster. Prancer’s out to get Myammee and Tailor Made, so Myammee’s on the lookout. Meanwhile, It is downstairs building a statue of beer cans and seemingly having a seizure. In confessional he says people don’t realize how smart he is, and that his strategy is to let people underestimate him. I think he underestimates my hatred.

Craig summons the final five to hear the challenge deets. He says they’re probably exhausted by this point, and this next challenge is sure to leave bags under their eyes. None of the contestants can discern what this means, so everyone heads off to the challenge. They’re met with an elevated beam, which kind of sums up every competition they’ve had so far, except this time there are bags hanging off the beam.

Craig greets the houseguests by telling them if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the “…of Love” shows, it’s that it’s no good to check into the mansion with excess baggage. He means emotional baggage, like having STDs and/or bills to pay. To make it to the end of I Love Money 2, everyone has to release their baggage in a game Craig calls…Excess Baggage. Boy, we’re getting inventive in this last episode!

Contestants must make their way along the elevated beam, which is 300+ feet over the ocean. Maybe we’ll literally get rid of a contestant in this game and eliminate some of the excess baggage in my life! The contestants have to release each bag from the beam as quickly as possible. The person who first returns to the starting line wins! The Paymaster will be guaranteed a spot in the final race, but the Dead Last Loser will be eliminated on the spot, thank fuck.

Time to suit up! Saaphyri worries what’ll happen if she falls off the balance beam; she won’t be going home then, she’ll just be dead. I beg to differ – I think there could be a fascinating reality show called Returning Saaphyri’s Ashes, but whatevs, let her worry. Once everyone’s loaded into their harnesses, Craig draws names to see who will go first. That lucky person is Tailor Made.

Tailor Made says he’ll focus on the beam, not on looking down to the foamy abyss below him. He starts off slowly, toddling along the platform, but then decides to sit down and hump his way along.

He successfully releases every bag, but then he has to scoot back. Admittedly the first person to compete is always at a disadvantage, so it doesn’t really matter what he does here. Someone will always find a better way, you know? That in mind, he comes in with a respectable time of 2:02, to which he wails and grinds his teeth. Not to worry, though – It is up next!

It tells us he wouldn’t run across the balance beam even if he had wings, so he begins the challenge by standing completely still and refusing to compete. Great start! He copies Tailor Made by scooting, but he mostly just rubs his dick back and forth. He finishes with a time of 2:32, so as of right now, he’s the Dead Last Loser. Yay! Go back to the projects, my friend!

Next up is Myammee. She starts off pretty successfully, crawling along the beam and releasing each bag expediently. Myammee’s in her element when she’s on her knees! She finishes in 43 seconds, which is all kinds of ridiculous. She bursts into happy tears, but she reminds us that “Prancer the fucking reindeer” has to go out there and compete as well. Prancer’s afraid of heights, so she’s got that working against her, but that’s never held her back in any other challenge. Basically, Prancer is fabulous! Who knows, though – maybe the elevation will make her leg detach from her body, and woe, her dreams and bones shall be shattered.

Fittingly, it’s Prancer’s turn now! She takes off crawling and quickly releases all the bags, so her turn is completely uneventful. She’s just fast and successful, and her legs don’t break into a million pieces, so there’s not much to report. She crosses the finish line in 46 seconds, which is good but not good enough. Myammee’s the Paymaster! That is, unless Saaphyri can suddenly blow everyone away, but let’s be honest, her fat ass is too wide for that beam anyway.

Saaphyri knows she can’t be Paymaster, but she figures she can at least beat It. She’d have to be mentally retarded to be unable to pull this off, so let’s hope! Her strategy is to walk to the end of the beam, and then release the bags as she comes back to the start. This is surprisingly adept! Craig narrates her journey as she travels, so she screams, “Please quit talking to me, Craig!” Apparently he’s distracting her, but methinks she just wants an excuse to fall back on if she really sucks at this.

As she scoots along to release the bags and reach the finish line, she’s already at a time of 2:12. She seriously has to haul ass to avoid being the Dead Last Loser now. She gives it her best effort, but come on, she’s not a miracle worker. Her time is 2:43, so Saaphyri is eliminated! She snarls and swears, but done is done! Saaphyri’s check is void.

She wishes everyone luck and says she hopes the best person wins. She and It share a loving hug as she departs, and then he fondles her ass. He also tells us in confessional, “I wish that she probably would stay here. I mean, even though she’s my girl but she’ll be easier to beat.” That’s true love right there! I suspect their relationship will carry on for many years, via love letters sent to her prison cell.

Now we’re down to the final four! Myammee is officially the Paymaster, so she’ll go on a Power Outing with the other contestants. She’ll still eliminate one contestant tonight, which essentially means It just earned a spot in the final three. Relatedly, please kill me.

The Power Outing is held in the living room of the mansion, which makes it nice and easy for them to get wasteyfaced. Myammee says her goal for the session is to make everyone uncomfortable, “shaking in they shorts, like peeing on themselves right now.” This is a common trend in the I Love Money house! She asks the group who wants to speak first, so Tailor Made volunteers.

He reminds her that he’s saved her twice, and he worked tirelessly to convince It to vote for Saaphyri instead of her. That’s basically why she’s still here, so she needs to do him a solid and keep him around. She asks whom he’d like to stay, and he says she should send Prancer home.

Tailor Made says Prancer is the strongest, so he wouldn’t want to go against her in the finals. I love that Tailor Made has to admit he’s a total pussy! It agrees with him but It would agree with anything, so this doesn’t count. Prancer feels sad that everyone wants her out, so she starts crying and begging for Myammee’s forgiveness. She’s sorry for alienating Myammee, but most importantly, she doesn’t think It deserves to be in the game. Everyone else has fought hard to be there, whereas It is just kind of an asshole. Myammee can agree with that, so she asks It if he’s worked hard during this show. It doesn’t know what that means. He asks her to let him finish speaking, and then he just sits there. Okay then.

Myammee says she’s upset about the day she eliminated 20 Pack. It just wanted to save Saaphyri the whole time. You’ll remember that was the episode where Saaphyri threatened to quit, and a chorus of angels came down from the sky in jubilation, but then she decided to stick around at It’s request. He offers to explain the situation, but that explanation involves squealing and drinking and making my skin crawl.

We jump from that to the elimination ceremony. I love this finale episode, gotta say! We’re not even halfway through the show and we’ve seen more action than we have in weeks! God bless, I Love Money. Going into the ceremony, Tailor Made is worried. He’s on Myammee’s team but he still doesn’t know what she’ll do, especially if she thinks he’s the strongest competitor. She’s kind of a dolt if she thinks that, but whatevskies. It is nervous that Myammee will think he’s disloyal, and Prancer is concerned because…well, everyone hates her except me.

Craig begins the ceremony by reminding us that it’s the 14th elimination, and these folks beat out 15 other people to get here. They should be proud of all this time they’ve wasted! He asks Myammee how she feels right now, and she gives the typical answer of how very hard this is and how appreciative she is of everyone. Sure she is.

Craig asks for the first check recipient, and Myammee says it’s a person who’s strong but extremely loyal. That person is Tailor Made! I feel like all signs point away from him when it comes to strength, but honestly he hasn’t been massively annoying on this series, so I’m okay with him in the final three. He’s similarly okay with this! Now it’s down to It and Prancer.

Myammee has a tough decision ahead of her. Prancer’s killing all the challenges, but It’s a sneaky asshole. Still, she calls It forward first. She apologizes and says he doesn’t deserve the money. He hasn’t worked hard and Prancer might need the money more. Additionally, It is completely useless. He can’t see, run, jump, nothing! And for all those reasons, It will be receiving his check. Totally annoying and totally obvious, ugh.

Myammee calls Prancer forward and commends her strength, but strength don’t pay for implants, so it doesn’t comfort Prancer. Her check is void! She limps away with only a few swear words uttered, leaving behind our final three: Myammee, It, and Tailor Made. Who could’ve ever seen that coming from the start of this series? I thought these clowns would be out instantly! Regardless, Craig tells them to rest up for the final competition tomorrow.

The next morning, Myammee stretches erotically in the backyard. This is somehow less graphic than her blurred-out asshole in her lingerie, so it doesn’t warrant a screencap. She interviews that she doesn’t want the money, she needs the money. Tailor Made feels the same way.

He feels like he couldn’t have asked for a better outcome. I’m not sure if this is because he’s proud of the TMA, or if he thinks he can actually beat Myammee. I tend to think he cannot, but whatever helps him sleep at night! While they both warm up and prepare, It flails about on his bed, because of course he does. Why the hell not.

The trusty trio piles into the van and heads to the challenge. Tailor Made cheerfully tells It that the one time It’s been genuine in this game is when he spoke about his grandfather. Here you’d expect a shot of It nodding thoughtfully, followed by a clip of him laughing hysterically in confessional, but instead It trills, “My grandfather died, I think before I was even born!”

What the fuck, It? I guess he genuinely has nothing to lose at this point, since the competition will probably come down to agility and not trustworthiness, but he is still a total douchebag. Myammee and Tailor Made ask what else he’s lied about, and he’s all like, “Oh, I never lie.” Tailor Made is wise enough to suspect that It is playing possum (his words, not mine), so he starts to worry It will actually beat them. We cut to It in confessional, speaking in a completely normal voice about how he’ll use his black powers. Essentially he’s still fucking crazy, just not retarded and crazy. Ughhhh.

They arrive at the competition, where Craig welcomes them to the jungle. Myammee tells us she hopes the competition doesn’t involve digging, reading, or following directions. Apparently Myammee and It have reversed roles in the past 35 seconds. Craig explains that the challenges within this competition will look very similar to ones they’ve completed throughout the season. Craig is also dressed quite nattily.

The race begins with a coconut toss, which was one of the first challenges when the season began seven years ago. Once the contestants fill their net with coconuts, it’ll lower to the ground and they’ll collect what’s inside. Then they’ll run to the following challenges, and they’ll have to complete each one before moving on to the next. The race will conclude at the mansion.

Craig wishes It all the best in the competition, since It is deaf, dumb and blind. That’s It’s cue to pop up in confessional once again, chortling about how he’s actually intelligent and will kick everyone’s ass today. These interview clips physically pain me, by the way. I honestly cannot take an It victory, I would feel like these last 14 weeks have been wasted! If anyone else wins, then clearly it’s been time well spent.

Craig gives the signal and the contestants take off! The coconut toss is pretty much self-explanatory. Everyone handles their nuts superbly, but It finishes the round first. He runs into the woods to find the next game, counting on his X-ray vision to help him along, but unsurprisingly that doesn’t come through. He starts wandering around trying to find the marked path he needs to take, which is kind of obvious since it is marked, and that gives Myammee and Tailor Made some time to catch up.

Tailor Made’s net drops before Myammee’s, but she’s not far behind him. Tailor Made reaches the second round before anyone else though. Amazing Race fans, I hope you’ll join me in reading the rest of this paragraph like Phil Keoghan. In this task, contestants will have to use a bicycle pump to inflate an inner tube. Once they break the seal, they’ll have to put on a life jacket and use the tube to float along the river behind them. Then they’ll grab a Travelocity Roaming Gnome and–okay, I’m making that part up.

Myammee shows up right behind Tailor Made, but he inflates his tube faster than her. Tailor Made has a lot of experience with pumping things, and he also doesn’t need to dillydally by putting on a bathing cap. Meanwhile, It is lost in the woods. Enough said. Myammee manages to fill up her tube, so she looks out to the water to check Tailor Made’s progress. He’s already out of viewing range, but that doesn’t exactly mean he’s doing well.

The current is seriously working against him, and I’m not gonna lie, this made me laugh harder than anything has all season. He was floating down the river with his ass in the tube, and suddenly he’s all up inside that raft! I love it! He struggles to make it to the beach, while Myammee flails around from a good distance away. She’s concerned that the water is full of snakes and alligators and piranhas, oh my! She actually has a list of every sea creature in the world, but we’ll just limit it to those three. Suddenly she starts screeching and convulsing over something biting her on the ass, so she puts her hand in to feel the animal. It turns out to be rocks. You may be wondering who the hell would offer their hand to something that just tore their asscheeks apart, but there’s no time for such questions! Myammee must move onward!

Tailor Made reaches the shore with Myammee hot on his heels. The next game features a block of ice, and the contestants must melt it using only their body heat. There’s a gold coin inside the block, and once that’s free, they’ll use the coin to catch a cab to the next station. Tailor Made climbs atop the ice and starts rubbing his ass on it, but when Myammee reaches the station, she uses her boobs.

Across the river, It finally reaches the inner tube round! Watching him complete this task is exhausting. Once his tube is inflated, he stands by the shore and watches some horses graze nearby, because that seems like the smart thing to do. This is the intelligence he’s been hiding all along! Back at the ice game, Tailor Made and Myammee continue to whittle away. Tailor Made decides to work on melting just the ice around the coin, which is fairly intelligent, so I’m surprised he came up with it.

About 30 minutes later, It finally rolls up in there. He strolls along without a care in the world, too. Never mind that it’s a race, dude, you just take your time. At first he thinks Tailor Made and Myammee are each writing a book, but when he finds out the actual task, he wonders aloud if maybe he should just piss on the ice. Best idea he’s had all season, I say. Regardless of his laziness, Tailor Made and Myammee are certainly going at it. Tailor Made uses his tongue to melt the ice even though his filthy hands were all over it, and Myammee resorts to using her weave. I totally love that she spent all season refusing to get it wet, and now it’s basically a dishrag. Admittedly it wasn’t much different to start with.

Tailor Made interviews that he feels like he’s in a porn, which is kind of awesome because then Myammee is like, “I was using my mouth and it started to poke out.” That’s what she said indeed! She frees her coin almost instantly after that, then grabbing her clothes and running to the cab. As she takes off, Tailor Made fights with his block of ice. It takes a different approach, one of staring at the ice and hoping his X-ray vision comes through. This does exactly what you’d imagine.

Myammee arrives at a waterfront, where she has to dart into the water and rescue a dummy. This is kind of like the Midget Mac retrieval challenge from I Love Money 1, but it’s supposed to be similar to this season’s dummy game, as well as last week’s obstacle course. Once she retrieves the Myammee dummy from the water, she’ll come back to shore and then ride a boat to the ocean behind the mansion.

Back at the ice, Tailor Made exposes his coin.

Apparently he’s decided to slap at the ice like he’s the Karate Kid, which hasn’t quite worked in his favor! He finally manages to pull out the coin and jump into a cab. He tells us he’d rather be behind because it’s better, which is a weird time to mention his sexual proclivities, and then we cut to Myammee kicking tail in the water challenge. She returns a body to the shore and takes off for the house, but the camera gives us some lingering glances toward the dummy, so I’m a little nervous she retrieved the wrong one. She’s no It, but she’s also no Prancer, you know?

As she speeds away from the beach, Tailor Made arrives. He paddles toward his dummy as Myammee disembarks her boat, jumping back into the water and swimming to the house. She has to run up an insane amount of stairs to get there, so while she pants and slaves, Tailor Made has enough time to finish his challenge. He takes off for the house as she reaches the backyard, where Craig and the final challenge wait for her. Miles away, It’s still melting that ice. It’s doing swell!

There are two game boards in the backyard, and Myammee’s allowed to choose either one since she’s the first person there. I wonder what would’ve happened if the three contestants showed up together, but I guess the producers knew that was impossible. The games are called Six Degrees of Buckwild and Six Degrees of Entertainer. Presumably all the questions are like, “I am annoying, right?” Myammee chooses Buckwild’s game just as Tailor Made jumps off his boat.

The game is very Big Brother. The questions are clues about people in the house, like “I was the team captain that was eliminated when Buckwild threw the coin in the ocean.” That was Bonez, but Myammee chooses 20 Pack because she is foolish. Her next question is “Even though we were originally teammates, Buckwild threw water on me in the vault.” Thankfully Myammee remembers that was her, so she’s got that much going for her! Question 3: “After the Tangled Web Challenge, I sent home Buckwild’s favorite man, The Entertainer.” Myammee correctly answers Tailor Made.

Question 4 is “I have a special relationship with one of Becky’s friends, and I’m the only consecutive dead last loser.” She picks It, thank friggin’ God. Question 5: “Before getting sent home after the ‘Chicken-A-Pult,’ I had a love affair with one of Becky’s friends.” This one is a little more confusing because Buckwild really doesn’t have many friends. I think it’s Heat, but Myammee skips this question and saves it for later. The final question is “After refusing to ‘kiss butt,’ I wound up in the box with Becky, but it was T Weed that got bounced.” Myammee selects Milf, which is awfully astute. I barely remembered Milf was on the show. Myammee goes back to the fifth question and selects Cali. Craig informs her she has two answers incorrect, so she has to analyze her choices. She changes her fifth answer to Heat, which is correct (yay me!), but she still has one wrong.

She swears and checks over her answers again while Tailor Made starts running into the yard. He tells us that if the last round is a mental challenge, then he’ll totally win. This seems like a longshot, but he has a slight chance since Myammee starts shouting at her game board. She knows her answers are right! Fuck you, board! Finally it dawns on her that 20 Pack wasn’t eliminated when Buckwild threw the coin in the ocean, Bonez was eliminated.

Craig tells Myammee he’s sorry she got her hair wet, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? What matters is that she just won $250,000!

Myammee completely loses her shit, straight-up launching into a Cirque du Soleil routine on the ground. In confessional, she tearfully tells us she can buy as much hair as she wants now. At least that dream came true! Sadly for Tailor Made, he comes in second place and that’s not quite good enough. He’s glad he at least beat It, who is…still melting his ice. We cut to It at a restaurant near the challenge site, ordering grilled shrimp and a beer before he continues on. He puts the food on top of the ice and it slides off. How terribly unfortunate and unfunny.

With that, I Love Money 2 has come to a close! What say you? Out of the final three, are you happy Myammee won? Were you hoping for an It comeback? Are you hopeful for the reunion episode or just ready for this season to be over? Leave your thoughts!