I Love Money 2: Friendship vs. Failboat

This week on I Love Money 2, the crazy get crazier! Similarly, the horny get hornier. On VH1, those things are often one and the same.

We open to everyone sunbathing, most notably Angelique and 20 Pack, who are cuddled tightly. I genuinely think that’s the grossest couple imaginable, if only because 20 Pack is moderately good looking and Angelique looks like Gumby. It would be socially acceptable if they were both ugly, but whatevs. The Entertainer whines about the heat and wanders inside to sulk, which he’s doing a lot of since Buddha is still around. Just in case you didn’t know, he’s not a Buddha fan, okay? Okay.

It seems Buddha has similar feelings, which he spouts to T-Weed, who echoes them completely. Literally, he legit repeats every single thing Buddha says. I’m still not sure if maybe this is an issue on the file I’m viewing, but really, this is I Love Money so stupid shit is to be expected. Regardless, they both agree The Entertainer sucks. You’d think that’s a pretty common denominator, but Onyx tells us in confessional that he still feels loyal to The Entertainer, despite being on the opposing team. Onyx is a raptor though, so I say his opinion is moot.

Buddha moves through the house to talk game with his team, except he can’t remember who’s on the Green Team with him. You can imagine this is a problem. He asks Leilene if Ice is on their team, but she’s so caught up in staring at him, she can’t focus on anything he’s saying. She’s also lying in bed shirtless, because natch.

Leilene wants to fuck Buddha, so she tells him as much. Grand! He replies that she scares him, so she goes into greater detail about how she really wants to fuck him. FYI, this is a great way to endear yourself to a homeless person or criminal, but not to a person who is already frightened of you. He consents that he likes her, but only if she promises she’s not crazy.

In confession, he tells us Leilene is a dumb whore, and he tells the same deets to his team shortly after. It goes poorly, especially because Buckwild takes Leilene’s side, and it’s all just awkward. Everyone’s had that moment where they go to tell a great story, but they come out looking like the crazy person. Enter Buddha!

Craig pages the contestants to the kitchen to listen to the challenge info, which is a really remarkable use of technology. If you recall from last season, everyone had to huddle around a shitty T-Mobile cell phone to get the details. I hope they had this intercom technology all along and just never thought to use it. Craig tells the cast to pick new team captains and then change into team uniforms, which seems like an overwhelming amount of assignments for them.

The Green Team immediately nominates Myammee for team captain, and the Gold Team chooses Heat. The whole process takes 15 seconds max, which is such a drastic change from every other reality show ever. Don’t these fools know they’re supposed to fill 40 minutes with this? Alas, they use the time to let The Entertainer and Buddha yell at each other about how the other one is going down, et al. Leilene assumes this means Buddha will go down on her.

The contestants pile into vans and head to the challenge. Craig welcomes the cast to the location, and he names it like he’s speaking one of those tongue-clicking languages. A Google search can provide no results in Mexico that sound anything like his pronunciation, which kind of delights me! Anyway, apparently they’re at the Tangaloonga In Et, just for reference. The challenge is set up with a boxing ring hovering over a body of water, and Craig says this is a spinoff of the boxing challenge in I Love New York 1. Onyx ponders how he can throw the competition, but recognizes that it’ll be difficult since he’s a dinosaur.

Craig reviews the rules, which are mostly what you’d imagine. People get into the ring and box; the losers have a chance of falling 900 feet into the ocean. The Gold Team picks The Entertainer to go first, so naturally the Green Team chooses Buddha so we can see the Ultimate Battle! It’s pretty awesome that we get to see this so early on, since this is the kind of dramaramz that could be dragged out for an entire season. Luckily I Love Money loves us too much for that.

The Entertainer tells us, “I just want to beat the living motherfucking shit out of this motherfucker and get him out of this motherfucking house,” which is endearing to women all around the world. Someone rich will surely marry him soon! They climb into the ring and start fighting, and The Entertainer goes down ASAP. Of course he immediately argues that his loss wasn’t fair – Buddha kneed him in the side, you guys! Whiiiine! He is genuinely frightening in his confessional, although I guess this shouldn’t shock me. Anyway, Buddha gets the win, so the Green Team is up by one.

Myammee chooses Ice to represent the Green Team in the following round, and that means Heat really has to think hard about his next pick. He confirms this for us, explaining it was difficult because he had to use his brain. This is the first time Heat has done this in ages, so I feel for him. He chooses Tailor Made to fight Ice, and she starts galloping around because she knows she’ll win. Don’t get cocky, Ice, you’re only tenuously cute! Craig says it’s the Battle of the Sexless, which I guess could imply that she’s also a dude, but I’d find it more convincing if it were Milf up in that ring.

They have a good fight, but Tailor Made pulls out the win. To his credit, he asks if she’s okay afterwards, which is sweet. It wouldn’t have shocked me if he’d kicked her down to the water, so you know. The next battle is It versus Bonez, and obviously Bonez wins. Obviously! It’s all like, “Were we supposed to go when the bell rings?” It has never seen a professional sport. T-Weed steps up to fight 20 Pack in the Battle of the Old Team Captains, which incites much hooting and hollering. The other matches mostly concluded with someone dropping to their knees, but this one gets interesting because T-Weed rockets through the side of the ring. Hoorah! 20 Pack does a backflip and punches things in celebration, only to find…

In his showboating, he manages to shatter every bone in his hand. I feel so very bad for him, except not so much. Regardless, 20 Pack’s win means the yellow team ties up the game, and now the score is 2-2. Heat chooses Cali to go against the Green Team’s Milf, and Craig makes a joke about hitting like a truck and wanting to fuck and yadda yadda. It’s hysterical, clearly. Milf goes down like a sack of potatoes, putting the Green Team in a sticky situation. The contest is a best-of-seven match-up, so with the Gold Team winning 3-2, they could potentially bring it all home in this next round. Myammee must choose carefully for the Greenies.

She picks Onyx, which is an unfortunate choice since he plans to throw the competition. You would think the Gold Team would be aware of this, since he’s doing them a solid, right? It only makes sense to put a strong person against him to make everything seem convincing, right? Totally, but they pick Prancer instead. Whoops! I love Prancer but the girl can’t feasibly defeat a dinosaur! Alas, they must portray it as such. This all seems kind of laughable in itself, but it comes out in confession that Onyx is a fucking boxer. That’s his profession! I would’ve guessed stock broker or something, but he’s an actual boxer! So yeah, understandably this is the greatest scene of all time.

They have the queerest fight ever. He sort of paws at her like a kittycat, giggling and slapping, but finally even he realizes this is shameful. He pushes her gently until she topples over…kinda.

She looks like one of those encouraging cat posters, where the kitten’s halfway out of the tree and it’s all like, “Down but not out!” Except in this case, Prancer is indeed out. The Gold Team groans and the Green Team looks skeptical at best, since it’s blatantly obvious Onyx was trying to blow the game. It’s 3-3 though, so there will be one more round. Heat steps up for the Goldies, but the Greenies only have gals left. Myammee wisely chooses Buckwild for the fight, since everyone knows she’s got a detailed criminal history. Plus Heat’s a pussy, so really, Buckwild could have this in the bag. The only snag is that Buckwild refuses to go up, telling Myammee to do it instead.

Myammee reluctantly agrees and Heat immediately sprouts a boner. There’s a chance (albeit a small one) he could knock her out with that, so the Gold Team doesn’t feel like hope is lost. Apparently Heat is a wrestler, who knew, so he takes Myammee out with little struggle. Gold Team wins, Green Team loses! Onyx squirms because he has lost doubly hard.

Everyone heads back to the house, where Myammee ponders on who to put in the strongbox. She thinks Leilene and Buckwild seem like good candidates since they’re annoying, and so does Onyx since he’s a betrayer. Little does she know, Angelique is standing around eavesdropping for the Gold Team. I sort of love the idea that Angelique is the team’s spy – how much could you possibly trust her information, you know? Girl can barely speak English! She proves this by telling The Entertainer that the Green Team wants to send Becky and Lelief home. That Lelief, what a troublemaker.

The Entertainer immediately goes to tell Buckwild and Lelief the news, thinking he can convince them to vote Buddha out. The Entertainer is so friggin obsessed with this dude, it is unreal. At some point it goes beyond hate and into love, know what I mean? Buckwild promptly decides to stall the vault ceremony, that way the Gold Team will have to pick one of the nominees. This likely won’t work, but it’s inventive on Buckwild’s behalf! Lelief says she won’t go along with the plan though, since obviously she and Buddha are a couple. I mean, they’re like married. Buckwild is just jealous.

Nightfall comes and a new day begins. The morning starts with Onyx telling Heat why he couldn’t throw the challenge – because, um, duh. If the two of them had fought instead of Onyx vs. Prancer, this conversation wouldn’t be happening, but Heat is not bright enough to comprehend that. Still, he swears Onyx will stay in the game. If history’s any indication, that means Onyx will wind up going home tonight.

Soon enough it’s time for the vault ceremony! The cast’s pictures adorn the wall, and apparently Buckwild’s was taken when she was 12 years old.

Seriously, when has she ever looked like that? Presently she’s got blue hair and a face wizened by jail time, so methinks her headshot should be updated at some point. Anyway, Craig explains the ceremony to the Green Team and tells them to start picking people to put in the strongbox. They have fifteen minutes to decide on the three nominees. Buckwild decides she’s basically going to filibuster for the entire vault ceremony, except you know she doesn’t call it that.

The voting begins with T-Weed, who receives two votes. Buddha gets three and Leilene gets seven, including one from Buddha. Sad panda! She is bummed that he demeaned her intelligence, but also that he didn’t demand her pussy. Onyx gets six votes and Buckwild receives five, so Myammee decides the bottom three are Leilene, Onyx and Buckwild. It should be noted that Ice voted for every single one of these people, yet we don’t get to see any mention of voting for her. You’d think everyone would rage out and eliminate her, but whatevs, I can’t assign reason to this show.

Everyone agrees on these nominees, but then Buckwild snaps. They’ve gotta discuss this! Why did people vote for her! Circus music plays behind her as she speaks, which is always fun. She basically ensures she’s on everyone’s bad side by trying to run down the clock, and she doesn’t help matters when she tells Buddha, “You is full of shit. You think you just run shit, like you is God right here.” Also not a Buckwild fan: the Grammar Police.

With 47 seconds left on the clock, Myammee finally tells her to shut the fuck up. They need to put checks in the box, and they basically have a consensus. Craig starts dropping the checks, but I disagree with this process because Onyx’s name is clearly spelled wrong.

They caption him as Onyx every time he’s in confessional, so WTF, VH1? Boo to you all. Anyway, back at the ceremony, Buckwild keeps shouting but the decisions are final – they have the bottom three and everyone except Buckwild is cool with that, so boom, ceremony over. She loses her battle with only 15 seconds left on the clock, and everyone totally hates her. So, all in a day’s work.

Craig calls the Gold Team into the vault and reveals the nominees. The bottom three will go on a Loser Date with Heat, but the Gold Team can barely hear this news over Buckwild’s sobs. She weeps her way out of the vault and swims to her bedroom through her river of tears, where she then screams at Leilene. In Buckwild’s defense, once you’ve been yelling for 15 minutes, how can you really stop?

She hollers at Leilene that she’d better not quit the competition, because she’s going to be eliminated if she doesn’t. I know that sentence makes no sense, but consider the source. As she’s going on about this though, it dawns on her: Brandi quit last season and another nominee was picked in her place! Buckwild could still get Buddha out! She merrily decrees that Leilene should totally quit the show, which is met with…awkwardness, at best.

I seriously friggin love that Buckwild is suggesting this. What’s more, Leilene is considering it! I don’t know if there’s ever been anything better than that! Leilene suddenly turns into a robot, flailing her limbs in slow motion. She asks Buckwild to come up with another solution, so Buckwild invites Saaphyri into the room because three minds are better than none. Unfortunately Buckwild then talks about “scrategizing,” so…nix that.

Saaphyri immediately tells Leilene to quit, and Leilene defiantly yells that she will. Failwhale. The premise is that she’ll get revenge on Buddha or some shit, and then she decides that she’ll lose everyone’s friendship if she doesn’t quit, and then she starts playing the world’s smallest violin. It’s settled: Leilene shall quit the show. The girls pinkyswear on this agreement, at which point Saaphyri’s face melts into the Joker’s and she cackles uproariously.

The Loser Date commences. Leilene asks Buckwild if she can share the quitting plan with Heat, and Buckwild gets creepy-threatening about it. Buckwild will fuck a sister up, so Leilene would be wise to back off. They shout back and forth in front of Heat and Onyx, which isn’t awkward at all, until finally Leilene comes out with it. She tells Heat that Buckwild wants her to throw the game, and Heat is like, “Uh, good! Do so!” Most useless Power Outing ever.

Heat asks Onyx why he should keep him around, but he asks it in this joking voice. Why not just say, “We have an alliance, LOL!” Onyx babbles about how trustworthy he is, and Buckwild repeats the same thing when asked. When it comes to Leilene’s turn, she sobs about how she’s already defeated. Woe is she! Heat asks her over and over to defend herself, which she cannot do, so he takes her aside for some one-on-one time. In reply, she weeps.

She tells Heat her head hasn’t been in the game because love got in the way… oh yeah, has she mentioned she’s in love with him? Because suddenly she is! Heat creepily says something about her butterlips, how he wants to put her lips on his and he’ll have butterlips, and ew ew ew this scene is frightening.

They make out and it’s all seriously upsetting. Even worse, Buckwild and Onyx are watching the whole friggin interaction. These two aren’t even secluded, Leilene is just whoring herself out for everyone to see. Excellent! The Power Outing ends abruptly after that, but Leilene’s shorts are scrunched up as she stands, so I’m going to assume some fingering occurred. And then I’m going to vomit.

Back at the house, Buckwild tells Saaphyri the deets. Saaphyri promptly tells Heat that Leilene thinks she’s safe now, and it’s all so tattley. None of these fools ever step back and realize they’re 30 and/or sad. In that vein, Heat decides he’ll do something romantic for Leilene to convince her to quit, which apparently means he’ll just sit and talk with her. That would convince me to do things too. He tells her the whole team wants her gone, but she argues that love conquers all. They’ve been married for three years, doesn’t that mean anything to him? It does not, so he tells her to quit. They kiss some more and she agrees to do anything for him, just like an ethnic Romeo and Juliet.

Time for eviction! Leilene apologizes for not speaking up in the vault, and then she and Buckwild argue about whether or not they’re still friends. This is uneventful, but Ice hollers from the sidelines that Leilene should be “an independent woman, homey!” Now I want a bobblehead Ice doll so bad, dammit; best catchphrase ever. Upon hearing Leilene talk about quitting, Craig asks what that means. Leilene goes into the whole spiel of how Buckwild asked her to quit, yadda yadda, and now she doesn’t know what to do. Myammee and her lingerie spaz out. If Leilene quits, they’ll have to pick someone else and the Green Team will be cut in half! I disagree, however – losing two out of nine people is totally 75%, okay?

Everyone stares holes through Leilene, but she quickly decides not to quit. Now Heat has to make a decision, which shall be difficult and will require use of his brain. Woe.

Heat babbles about how he needs the strongest people in the game, which…really? You don’t want to get rid of the strong folks on the other team? Alrighty then. He calls Buckwild up to get her check, which leaves him with another hard choice. Should he eliminate Onyx since he didn’t throw the competition? Should he eliminate Leilene since she’s clinically insane? Should he think with his head, his heart, or his bone?

He calls Onyx up to the front, but we all know that isn’t a sure bet. He talks about how he doesn’t want diarrhea coming out of his mouth (sexy), and how this game is all about loyalty, and that means…Onyx is going home! Leilene is safe! Onyx roars and heads outside to eat some prey, so Leilene moves in to make out with Heat. She declares that she’s totally going to get the guy, keep her friends, and win some money! Yaaaay!

What say you? Will Leilene be sent home next week? Will The Entertainer and Buddha kill each other? Will this cast be interesting enough for an entire season? Leave your thoughts!