I Love Money 2: The Quitting Game

This week on I Love Money 2, the cast turns up the heat! That’s judging by Saaphyri’s face, at least, because I can’t find any other excuse for this look.

We open to Buckwild and Leilene experiencing hard times. Buckwild is floating in the pool wearing her sunglasses, which would be fine except that it’s clearly 10 PM-ish. You ain’t that famous, ho. Buckwild refuses to speak to Leilene, but she explains in confession that she’s got good reason to be angry – like, look, they asked Leilene to quit the game and she didn’t. What’s wrong with that bitch, you know? Leilene complains that she doesn’t feel like Buckwild is her friend anymore. Sadly Buckwild doesn’t counter this with anything, so the conversation kind of sinks.

Inside the house, Milf brings Buddha a margarita glass full of wine, which is probably the classiest thing I’ve ever seen. Bonez is in the room with them, so he sarcastically thanks her for bringing him something, and then she’s like, “Oh, whoops, are you here?” Milf’s only got one thing on her mind, and apparently it’s Buddha’s wang and not her own. Bonez is just joshing anyway, since he only drinks wine at church, but it’s still awkward. Milf does not take it as such, instead announcing that she’d like to get Buddha drunk. She took lessons from the Leilene School of Love, by the way.

She tells us she’s really into him, since he looks so much like this guy who really physically pleased her. This is more info than I ever needed, but whatever, you know? Buddha starts talking about how if he wants to fuck her, then he’ll fuck her. Of course that doesn’t actually imply that he wants to do this at all, but no less, it means things are cloudy with a chance of rape.

Heat decides to pay Leilene a visit, asking where she’s been. Apparently he’s been waiting for her and jerkin’ it impatiently, so now it’s time for them to get frisky on camera. They make out for a good while before he shares his feelings, and he’s torn between “heyhey” and “wait a minute, you still like freakin’ Buddha.” The Buddha part doesn’t really get in the way of the heyhey, but it’s still a concern. Leilene explains herself simply: she digs Heat’s body, but mentally she’s connected to Buddha. Why not just come out and say, “Heat, you are dumb as balls,” you know? It has the same effect! He starts to storm out, so she tells him to stay away from her. Even Heat can conclude that this scene makes no sense, so he does as told.

Alas, letting it end there would be too simple. Leilene becomes enraged that Heat listened to her, so she chases after him. FYI, this doesn’t make her look crazy at all, except that the whole house teams up to berate her for her insanity. Leilene is like one big sad trombone. Even Angelique mocks her, explaining that Leilene must be a fucking loser, because for a stripper, she’s a drama queen. I’m not even really sure what that all means, but I will completely accept her analysis.

20 Pack yells at Leilene to stay away from his team, and then Heat bemoans keeping her in the game. Her response? She’s going to quit the game! Because of course she is! She shouts that she likes him, and then she pouts away to pack up her things.

Cali decides to speak for the first time all season, postulating that Leilene really should go home. Cali just wants to be the resident Asian in the house though, so you can’t trust her. 20 Pack uses his broken hand to carry Leilene’s bags to the door, and then he holds it open while Prancer acts as a traffic cone.

And with that, Leilene is gone! Well, sorta. She gets outside and then realizes she doesn’t know what to do, so she just kind of lingers for a while. Then she curls up on a loveseat and goes to sleep next to a cooler, because…of course she does.

Inside, The Entertainer tells everyone they’re overreacting by forcing Leilene to leave. I friggin love that The Entertainer feels like he can judge. He can critique people up until someone looks at him the wrong way, and then he rips off the upper portion of his skull. With his permission, however, Buckwild and Saaphyri go outside and trample Leilene to tell her she can come back in. These ladies are friggin’ ridic, by the way. They shower Leilene with love, which comes in the form of saying, “Even though we can’t stand you, we love you.” All’s well that ends well!

Morning arrives and Craig pages the houseguests to the kitchen. It’s time for the second challenge! The teams need new captains, so they break apart to discuss. Saaphyri immediately volunteers for the Gold Team, because even if her team falls apart, it’ll never be more busted than her face. On the Green Team, Milf just announces she’s captain and everyone accepts it. Swell. FYI, I’m starting to tolerate Milf a little bit more, although I do wish she would wear a shirt.

That’s unnecessary, you know? Wear more than a sports bra and this embarrassment won’t happen! Of course, she’s probably not ashamed. Anyway, the teams saddle up and head out to their challenge, which is titled The Breath Mint Shoot-Out. Considering the crowd, it’s understandable that everyone’s baffled. It’s based off of Flavor of Love 3, when Shy had stank-ass breath. The teams will play three-on-two soccer, and the goalie will use an enormous toothbrush to keep breath mints out of the goal, which is a huge mouth. The twist: each team will choose the defensive line for the opposing team. Simple enough! It goes without saying that It is motherfucking stumped.

On the Green Team, Buddha offers suggestions for their defensive selection, but Milf interrupts to say, “I’m Captain and I’m listening to what everybody says.” And then she stops speaking. In confession she admits she has a hard time being Captain because she doesn’t know what the fuck to say. Hm, good thing she anticipated that before stepping up. Buckwild demands to know Milf’s choices, but Milf is still listening hard, apparently. She’s got nothing, but it’s time to reveal their choices.

Saaphyri picks Leilene and T-Weed as the Green Team’s defense. T-Weed is dumb as shit but probably passably athletic, so it’s kind of a weird choice. Milf chooses Angelique and Saaphyri, and with that, the games begin! The Gold Team plays defense first, and Angelique is all like, “So I put balls in mouth, yes? Ees whut streeper do?” Ees exactly right, but it goes poorly nonetheless!

Each team has ten shots, and by the third one, Saaphyri and Angelique have all but given up defending their goal. Saaphyri’s screaming and Angelique is picking underwear out of her ass, which just makes Saapyhri yell even louder. She starts screeching in that weird dog-whistle decibel, so then she quits! Hoorah! Leilene makes out with her in glee, because finally she’s not the only loser in the house.

Buckwild runs over to soothe Saaphyri, which would be sweet if they were on the same team. Since they’re not, it just makes Buckwild look shady. She convinces Saaphyri to stay in the game regardless, although I can’t transcribe it since humans can’t hear at that level. Then it’s back to business. The Green Team finally misses a shot by the fourth go-round, when the mint bounces off Angelique’s tits. Suddenly the Gold Team is inspired! They can do this! More tits, Angelique!

She is happy to oblige. By the sixth shot, she and Saaphyri are working together as a team, which delights The Entertainer to no end. It should be noted that he clearly calls her “Safari,” like the jungle trek, which delights me just as much. The rest of the round is mostly uneventful, but the Green Team finishes with four goals.

Time to switch it up! The game goes similarly to the previous round. Much like Angelique, Leilene doesn’t understand that she should kick the ball away from her team’s goal. At least Angelique has the excuse of not speaking English; I’m pretty sure Leilene didn’t just come over on the boat. The Gold Team immediately gets four goals in their first four attempts, so they just need one more to win! Heat explains that he’ll totally score because “this Puerto Rican Spaniard is all about soccer.” As much as he deserves to be mocked forever, he lands the goal. Gold Team wins! Saaphyri is Paymaster! There is celebrating!

Don’t strain yourself trying to pick a favorite in that picture. There’s Angelique and her dancing; there’s It hoisting a toothbrush in the air upside down; there’s Heat grabbing his rod. Clearly they were all destined for the Gold Team!

Once everyone’s back in the house, Buckwild giggles with Saaphyri about how it’s a good thing Saaphyri didn’t quit. She has a point: who cares if her team lost, Buckwild’s safe either way! Buddha is pissed about that, but he also wants to make sure he’s no longer a target. He concocts some plan to ask Leilene to move into his bedroom, and he asks Milf to put the plan into action. I legitimately don’t understand any of this, but whatever, Milf pours herself a bucket of wine to make it happen. It’s worth noting that she also changes clothes and does her hair in order to complete her task. This matters, because shitty editing always matters.

Milf tells Leilene to move into Buddha’s bedroom. It’ll make Leilene look more like a team player, rather than staying in her current room with Buckwild and Saaphyri. Unfortunately Leilene refuses. She’s gotta stick with her alliance, you know? Something else you should also know: Leilene is functionally retarded. Regardless, she marches away and Milf chases after her, insisting Buddha is dying to have Leilene in bed with him. He is so interested in her woman parts and such.

Naked as a jaybird, she decides Milf is up to something. It’s sad when even Leilene can see through a scheme, dude. Milf bursts into tears and Leilene stomps into the shower, where she continues to be filmed. Ah, the joys of reality TV! Leilene tries to scrub away the filth of her life, but Milf rounds the corner and joins her again. She’s not crying anymore, but she is fucking blitzed, for what it’s worth. She sloshes her wine around and giggles about not understanding Leilene. Then she passes out, I suppose, because we move on to the vault ceremony.

Craig starts the event by chatting up various contestants. He asks Buddha about his feelings, and Buddha says he doesn’t know which team Buckwild is really on. She shakes her head in disgust, but most importantly, she shakes loose several tresses of gray hair. One of the many disgusting parts of having blue hair is that it eventually fades into dishwater gray, but I feel like Buckwild’s life is that color in general, so what’s the dif! She yells about how she’s keepin’ it real, and then T-Weed starts making weird basketball analogies that no one understands. Craig summarizes the whole conversation by being like, “You guys should think about winning something at some point.” Word.

Time for voting! Milf starts off by naming Buddha, who gets two votes. Buckwild receives six, which includes a vote from herself, because she’s keeping it really remarkably stupid. Leilene gets five votes and Milf gets six, and just like that, the voting is complete! Buddha votes for both of those last broads, in case you wondered. They are not thrilled with this development, but they have no time to fret over it – they’re immediately placed in the box!

The Gold Team enters the vault to hear the nominees. They berate the candidates, natch, and that inspires Milf to raise her hand. She’s got something to say, y’all! And that something is… she’s quitting. Sigh. She could’ve at least taken her clothes off while doing so, because this plain quitting shit is getting old.

She says she doesn’t give a fuck, so she’d like to quit and force someone else to go home as well. Grand. This places fear in Buddha’s soul, because duh, now he’ll probably be in the strongbox. Milf walks out in tears, and then there’s a wrestling match.

I guess this is some weird attempt to console Milf, but whatever, it looks fucked up. Various contestants come out to join the party, including Angelique and The Entertainer, who stand off to the side and hug each other around the waist. That seems appropriate. Buddha demands a conversation with Milf, but in the midst of all that…

What the fuck. Seriously. What the fuck. Why is 20 Pack dressed as the Mad Hatter? He even provides commentary on the scene about four seconds after this shot, and he never addresses the real matter at hand: his stint as RuPaul. Regardless, there’s a lot of commotion involving talking to Milf and deciding whether or not she should stay, and it leads to a scuffle. Buddha grabs Saaphyri, Saaphyri shoves him, Buckwild gets in the middle and starts shouting about how he’s got STDs and looks like a peanut. I don’t really know where you can go from there.

VH1 agrees, I suppose, because the next scene is the beginning of the Power Outing! Fabulous! Milf is part of the trip, which prompts her to reveal that she’s not quitting after all. She decides she’ll compete to stay, so I guess that means Saaphyri will have a tough choice ahead of her, since all of her options kinda suck. Also sucky: the Power Outing. The group arrives at an unpleasant compound, where a woman emerges from a chicken coop and reveals herself as a fortune teller. To Saaphyri’s credit, she politely says, “Oh!” Everyone else is less enthusiastic, and that’s saying something.

The lady asks for a volunteer, so Buckwild reluctantly offers to go first. The fortune teller reveals that Buckwild’s pretending to be a bad girl, but she really isn’t. Her prison roommate has a differing opinion, but so be it! The lady explains Buckwild is choosing to live a bad life, but she needs to get back on a straight path. Incidentally, this is delightfully generic advice. Milf finds out she needs to be more careful with who she trusts, and Leilene discovers she’s a raging whore. What a development indeed.

Saaphyri asks the fortune teller who’s more loyal to her, Leilene or Milf. The lady picks Milf, so Saaphyri’s decision is made! Also, this entire segment is ridiculous. When they break for lunch, the girls solemnly sit down to ponder what’s transpired. Saaphyri asks Leilene what she’ll do for money – since her loyalty is questionable, will she ditch her friends in favor of the cash? Leilene insists she would never, of course! Never! Unfortunately Saaphyri recalls when Leilene broke that pinky swear last week, and there is no greater sin. In response, Leilene rises from the table and quits. Sigh.

When it comes to the one-on-one session, Saaphyri chooses Milf out of necessity, but she still questions Milf’s commitment. If asked to throw challenges to benefit the opposing team, what will Milf do? Clearly her answer should be, “I’ll do anything! Whatever you say, Daisy Duck!” Even if it’s a lie, it’s the only way to save herself, right? Instead, Milf says she’ll have to think about it. She’s part of a team, after all! Clown music plays until Milf agrees she’ll stay loyal to Saaphyri, which is a lie that’s probably really obvious and not in her favor. Failboat.

Now it’s elimination time! The ladies don their best outfits and get ready to face the firing squad. Saaphyri is still torn between Leilene and Milf, and the pressure of her breasts makes it hard to focus.

Craig asks who will receive the first check, and of course it’s Buckwild. Boring! She praises Saaphyri’s brilliant mind, but the only thing that matters now is the ultimate decision. With eight minutes still left in the show, I sense another quittage. Sigh.

Saaphyri tells the ladies that loyalty is everything to her, so she wants to know what the bottom two think of that word. Leilene thinks she’s loyal, even if she makes mistakes sometimes. She respects her friendship with Saaphyri, so wahhhh, please save her! Milf says loyalty is all she has. She also has a penis, if that makes any difference. That’s Milf’s entire statement, so…great. Everything’s really settled now! Heat presses her for more explanation, so she follows up that she was loyal to a team that wasn’t loyal to her. Of course that could lead to a discussion about whether she was loyal in the first place, and maybe if she was more loyal then this wouldn’t have happened, and so forth. Ultimately no one cares enough to discuss it further. On that note, Craig demands the final decision.

Saaphyri calls Leilene forward and explains she loves her. They’ll always be friends! But uh, her check just bounced and her body should follow. To fill time, Craig asks Saaphyri why she would do this to her friend. Apparently it’s because Leilene was only in the house to look for love, a statement with which she concurs. Really, Leilene would agree with anything at this point – all that matters is she’s got a friend! Yay!

Upon receiving her check, Milf’s heart joyfully explodes from her chest, and her strapless bra quickly follows.

Next time, the contestants have to kiss each other’s asses. Literally!

What do you think? Should Leilene have gone home over Milf? How good are the chances that It will lick someone’s special place? Leave your thoughts!