I Love Money 2: Kiss Up or Shut Up

This week on I Love Money 2, we find out that these people have trouble putting their mouths in action! Considering the nature of this show, the whole core of VH1 is shaken.

We open to people fighting, which is such a shocker! My mind, it hath been blown! Milf yells about how she knows everyone wants her in the box, so don’t even try to deny it, y’all! Of course no one was denying it in the first place, so…awkwardcakes. She talks about how Safari saved her life in the game, so she’s totally in an alliance with Safari now. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that these people can’t say Saaphyri as ghettoly as they should, but dag, learn yer grammars.

Milf decides Buddha needs to be kicked out of the house, which she rants about as she packs her bags and moves out of her bedroom. Buddha berates her as she leaves, but T-Weed nods thoughtfully and strokes his beard. Finally it’s all making sense to him: Buddha is a cancer eating away at their team morale! If only someone had told him this sooner! Elsewhere in the house, The Entertainer’s face explodes with rage but he’s just not sure why.

Craig calls the houseguests to gather around his picture in the kitchen. The challenge is described as “sure to be a mouthful,” and I immediately assumed it was something about spitting vs. swallowing, but then I remembered the preview from last week. It’s ass-kissing! Which is awesome, yeah, but doesn’t quite live up to that slogan. The contestants analyze the message, and Buckwild adorably interviews that she has a big mouth and it has a gap in it, so she could be very useful! Gap teeth are the bane of my existence, but that is a seriously cute observation.

The teams sit down to choose captains, and Saaphyri says The Entertainer should step up for the Gold Team. Everyone agrees with this, since it means Buddha will be eliminated if the Green Team loses. Simultaneously, everyone disagrees with Saaphyri’s outfit choice.

What is wrong with her? How is this the same person who flipped the hell out about selling her clothes on Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School? Every time we see her, she looks more and more like she should be checked into a mental health facility. Nevertheless, the Gold Team takes her suggestion and The Entertainer is captain. On the Green Team, Buddha suggests Bonez as captain. Buddha hath writ it, so it shall be done! Everyone’s cool with it and we all float on.

Buckwild, The Entertainer, Heat, 20 Pack and Milf meet up in a bedroom to talk strategy. Buckwild and Milf decide they’ll throw the challenge so Buddha is sent home. Really though, when you’re losing every challenge anyway, it’s no longer considered “throwing it.” It’s called “sucking.” Buckwild postulates that she should eat the rules for the challenge, like literally eat them. I don’t know why this is relevant, but considering the competition at hand, maybe she can crap the rules into someone’s mouth.

Everyone loads into the vans and heads off to the challenge. Craig instructs them to split into pairs, which will be done by random draw. Hoorah! Interesting pairs ensue! Unsurprisingly there are far too many rules for choosing a partner, like picking coins and choosing colors and all this mess. There will be one person per team who won’t participate, and that’s distinguished by choosing a gold coin.

On the Green Team, the pairs are Milf and Buddha (hilarious!), Ice and Buckwild, and Myammee and T-Weed. Poor Bonez will not get to play. This is probably for the best since he will inevitably be scandalized by the challenge, but Bonez is a sad panda nonetheless. On the Gold Team, the pairs are Angelique and Prancer, Heat and It, Saaphyri and Tailor Made (whose name is spelled incorrectly, natch), and The Entertainer and 20 Pack. Cali will sit out. It’s kind of awesome that the most boring person from each team will skip the challenge. Methinks some crafty coin-selecting went on behind the scenes!

Craig reveals the competition, and it’s titled The Kiss-Off 2. You may remember The Kiss-Off from last season, when the houseguests had to make out and some of the guys couldn’t handle a little dude-on-dude mackin’. Luckily that crisis is averted this time! Instead of lip-on-lip action, there will be lip-on-cheek action. Everyone nods and smiles until they find out it’s ass cheeks. Woe! Each team must choose on a Butt and a Kisser. Whoever plays the Butt will have to wear a Speedo, because of course they will. Whoever plays the Kisser will have to wear lipstick. Inevitably Angelique will be the Butt on her team, and that means I feel terribly sorry for poor Prancer. Girl just got herpes.

Everyone chooses their role, which is surprisingly unproblematic, but Craig reveals another twist before they can begin. They’ll have to stand on balance boards while they do this thing, like they’re playing the friggin’ Wii Fit. T-Weed sweats in anticipation.

The only thing better than kissing someone’s ass cheek is kissing someone’s sweaty ass cheek. Tally ho, T-Weed! Craig goes over the rules again since these folks be slow, and then the competition is underway! Three seconds into it, Milf “stumbles” off her balance beam and eliminates Buddha. This is totally convincing and doesn’t look like she’s throwing the game at all! Except, you know, it’s obvious as fuck. She lamely states that she lost her balance, but even that doesn’t sound convincing. Way to keep your enemies close, Milf.

Buckwild immediately follows suit, yelling that she won’t kiss a woman’s ass. Ice has to be one of the least revolting options in the game, but whatever, Buckwild just wanted to throw it. She leaps off her beam and then does, like, several cherubic kicks around the playing field.

T-Weed and Myammee are the only people left from the Green Team, so if they quit, the Greens lose it all. It turns out T-Weed is the one doing the kissing, FYI, so they’re less disgusting than I originally thought. In this world, that’s a compliment.

The kissing goes on for a while longer, and it features a lot of silence and sweating. Notably, Buddha pronounces Myammee like you’d say it in Spanish – Mee-ah-mee. I hope he goes on a Safari to Meeahmee when the show wraps up. After a stretch of time, which could be seconds or could be days since they never specify, 20 Pack farts and leads The Entertainer to slap his ass. Unfortunately the rules state you can’t place your hands on the other person, so the pair is eliminated! The Entertainer rages, which is quite curious indeed.

Tailor Made and Saaphyri are eliminated next, since his sweaty lips slip off her ass. In confessional, he claims he kissed her ass for a minute at most, but it felt like an eternity. Uh, this effing challenge feels like infinity for us at home then. We’ve been watching 60 seconds of footage for like ten minutes already! Shortly after, Heat slips off his beam, so he and It are eliminated. It didn’t understand they were playing a game anyway, so it ain’t no thing.

This means the final teams are Myammee and T-Weed for the Green side and Angelique and Prancer for the Gold side. T-Weed is shaking so hard he’s vibrating, which provides for an unsteady atmosphere on the balance beam. Myammee describes it as, “I’m just sitting here, you know, posing like I am, and all of a sudden I’m just feeling like our balance beams are shaking!” I completely love that Myammee’s philosophy in this is like, “Let me see how modelesque I can get.” Love her! T-Weed truly does his best but finally his legs give out and he tumbles off the beam. Angelique and Prancer are the challenge champs, so the Gold Team wins yet again! There is much rejoicing!

On the Green side, T-Weed weeps. As much as I hate him, he really did make an effort in this challenge, so it’s unfortunate that everyone’s pissed at him for losing. You know who’s not pissed though? Milf and Buckwild! Oh, how they celebrate their loss! Saaphyri bounds over to Milf and tells her they’re teams for life. Or until Saaphyri sees it best to eliminate her.

Back at the house, the Green Team berates T-Weed for blowing it. T-Weed explains that the challenge was like touching your toes, which is remarkably poor evidence, so Buddha counters with “Stand straight and balance.” Durr. He goes on to explain that he stands like that all the time, which begs the question: why didn’t Buddha do the kissing for his team then? Ridic.

T-Weed seeks comfort in the Gold Team, begging them to eliminate Buddha. This is not a hard sell, so hopefully he doesn’t wager anything stupid on it. The Entertainer recognizes that there are three people from the Green Team who are sure to vote for Buddha, but they need to land one more vote to ensure he’s in the box. They decide it should be Bonez, so the Goldies immediately start harassing Bonez when he passes by. It’s not even subtle, it’s straight up like, “You’re voting for him, right? You’d better vote for him! God told me to tell you to vote for him!”

Saaphyri and Buckwild try to explain to Bonez that were it not for Buddha, no one would’ve thrown the game. It’s all Buddha’s fault just for existing, you see. Everyone shouts at him until Buckwild says she’ll just keep throwing challenges if Buddha stays, and that makes Bonez start to come around. He would like to win something once in a while, so maybe Buddha’s gotta go! Saaphyri instructs Bonez to pray on it because this is a serious matter indeed.

The next morning, T-Weed narrates his plans yet again. I don’t know if you know, but he’d like Buddha eliminated! Shocking. He keeps this in mind as everyone from the Green Team heads into the vault. It’s a wonder he doesn’t walk in chanting Buddha’s name, too.

The voting begins! Bonez starts the routine by naming himself, but he doesn’t receive any votes. Next is Milf, who receives four. Milf’s in the box! Buckwild tries to filibuster again, but everyone realizes it’s best to talk over her, as though this wasn’t apparent way back on Flavor of Love 2. She immediately gets four votes, ensuring a spot in the box. Neither Myammee nor Ice receives any votes, but unsurprisingly Buddha gets three. No vote from Bonez! T-Weed gets four votes, and with that, the ceremony is done!

T-Weed tries to argue with Bonez, which involves saying something about having a puppeteer arm up his butt, because of course it does. Buckwild shrieks that she can’t wait to see this on TV, which seems fairly negligible at this time, and then everyone starts yelling for the sake of yelling. Such is the I Love Money 2 tradition! Buddha gets all up in T-Weed’s face, so Bonez and Myammee try to break it up, although that has to be the weakest force ever. Why not throw Midget Mac in there too, you know? None of it matters anyway. Bonez tells Craig they’ve already reached a majority so these arguments are moot. In turn, Buckwild bursts into flames.

The Gold Team soon enters the vault to find out the nominees, and the Entertainer is totally cool with them.

The cast disperses throughout the house, but T-Weed stays on Bonez’s ass to harass him. To Bonez’s credit, he doesn’t even get angry. He just wanders around the house and drinks a Coke while T-Weed shouts at him. Eventually that gets tiresome, so T-Weed yells at Heat about how hard he worked in the challenge. Oh, the effort he put in! Oh, the strain on his soul! Unless he’s Jesus Christ himself, he’s sort of over-exaggerating this performance, but whatever.

Time for the Power Outing! The Entertainer tells us in confessional that Milf shouldn’t feel confident at this point, solely because The Entertainer doesn’t think rationally. Keep in mind that if someone were to point this out to him, he’d slit their friggin’ throat, but it’s okay if he says it.

The group heads to a resort to gorge themselves and get wasted, which The Entertainer does gleefully. Buckwild decides that’s a good opportunity to flirt with him, and while you may think that’s terribly obvious (because it is), of course he buys it. That makes everyone else feel like they should flirt as well, including T-Weed, who turns his eye crust into an offering of fancy gems.

T-Weed asks The Entertainer what makes him think Milf is loyal, so Milf turns the question back on T-Weed: when has he ever been loyal? He replies by talking about Indians and infected sheets and small pox, which isn’t a metaphor for the STDs lurking in the I Love Money 2 house, but it should be. He also yells something about Smurfettes, and…I just don’t know. T-Weed is a creeper.

The Entertainer says T-Weed has never been loyal, since he picked Buddha for his team against Lieutenant Entertainer’s wishes. T-Weed already has a reply handy though. Out comes a list of every time Milf has acted shady, which is really fucking weird! Who marks all this stuff down? How is anyone in this house ever sober enough to write? She throws a drink on him in remorse, but she doesn’t destroy the Paper of Proof, so it’s kind of useless.

For the one-on-one time, The Entertainer chooses T-Weed. Their conversation is mostly inconsequential. It’s a lot of “You’re not loyal!” and “Yes, I am!” and weird sentence fragments that channel Weekend Update‘s Nicholas Fehn. The Entertainer concludes that T-Weed might he able to serve him Buddha’s head on a silver platter, but it’ll involve a lot of thrown challenges. T-Weed agrees to do anything and everything for The Entertainer, but he’s also really creepy and weird, so it’s all worth a grain of salt. The Entertainer ends the outing by saying his head is scrambled like eggs, which comes as a shock to all.

Time for elimination! Oddly, Buckwild is the most nattily dressed.

Milf is worried about elimination, although she should be more worried that she’s wearing a bra as a top. This is acceptable on Myammee but not on anyone else, I don’t know why; maybe because Milf appears to be wearing a sad training bra, or maybe because it’s just the way of life. Regardless, the ceremony starts with Buckwild immediately receiving her check, leaving T-Weed and Milf to stew.

After some tense silence, T-Weed is called to the front. The Entertainer says the Power Outing almost made him a T-Weed believer, but T-Weed broke his word on day one by picking Buddha for his team. Now Buddha’s sitting pretty, and T-Weed’s in the box in his place. Due to that, it’s time for T-Weed to go! Milf is safe once again! She joins Buckwild in merrily standing next to the Gold Team, which is superhappy fun times until Craig reveals he has one more announcement.

It’s time to shake things up! In confessional, Buckwild shrieks, “I was gettin’ ready for bed! What the hell’s goin’ on?” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Becky! Since the Gold Team will clearly continue to win until the end of time, things have to change. Craig tells the guys and girls to split up, and then each person takes a gold coin and a marker. The guys have to write down their choice for Most Loyal Man, and the girls will vote for Most Loyal Woman. It would be really awesome if this serves no purpose and it’s just for the sake of handing out superlatives, like at kindergarten graduation.

Everyone turns in their coins and Craig tallies the votes. For the laydays, Prancer receives one vote, Myammee gets two, and Saaphyri getes five. For the fellas, The Entertainer receives one vote and 20 Pack gets all the rest. You’d be shocked at who votes for The Entertainer, by the way, because he would never vote for himself in such a competition! Of course not!

Anyway, the winners are Saaphyri and 20 Pack and that means they’re the new team captains. They’ll pick team members tonight, but since there’s an odd number of cast members, whoever is left without a team will be spending their last night in Mexico! Everyone goes hogwild, except for Buddha, who is oddly confident he’ll get to stay in the house. I feel like Buddha has been watching a different program all season.

Saaphyri’s first choice for the new Green Team is The Entertainer. 20 Pack takes Heat. The rest of the selections go ridiculously quickly, mostly because they’re uneventful and there’s like thirty seconds left in the show. Saaphyri claims Cali, It, Myammee and Angelique. 20 Pack chooses Buckwild, Prancer, Tailor Made and Bonez, which means Ice and Buddha are the bottom two. Sad trombone! Ice is sort of useless but it’s still weird that she’s left as the last potential pick. She’s useless but attractive, which is more than most of these folks can offer.

20 Pack gets the final pick, so he huddles with his team to make a decision. Buckwild says there’s one strong competitor up there, and they need the strongest dude on their team, so it’s time to pick Ice! Then she stands up and screams, because of course she does. Buddha’s sent packing! He genuinely looks confused and surprised, which means maybe he is retarded.

Next week, Cali finally speaks more than three words! So, look forward to her going home.

What say you? Do you love the new teams? Do you think the Green Team is still doomed? Leave your thoughts!