I Love Money 2: Reindeer Games

This week on I Love Money 2, Prancer goes down in history! Okay, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean we can’t quote Rudolph anyway.

We open on last week’s elimination ceremony, and as many of you pointed out in the comments, 20 Pack is indeed wearing eye makeup! I actually didn’t even notice this last week, which either says a lot about me or a lot about 20 Pack, I don’t know which. I’m going out on a limb to say it’s him though, so let’s roll with that! He tells us in confessional that his new team is composed of the greatest people in the entire world… oh yeah, plus Tailor Made, but whatever, they’ll deal with him.

Saaphyri is stoked about being the brilliant captain of a brilliant team, but Myammee feels concerned about the new Green Team. She’s the only member of New Green that was also part of Old Green, so she realizes that if they lose again, she’s totally going in the box. This is worrisome, whereas showing her box in her elimination lingerie is totally kosher. Gotta love logic. The Entertainer also feels troubled, which he proves by tearfully setting fire to his shirt from the Gold Team.

Who does that kind of thing? I can honestly say I’ve never set fire to something just to prove a point, but admittedly I am not a rageaholic. Since they have anger management classes under their belt, Heat and Angelique come out to mourn alongside him. Their main concern is that half of their alliance is on the other team now, so they have a bonfire and then Heat crushes a lemon in his bare hands. I don’t know why that’s significant, but it’s still sort of marvelous.

Outside in the pool, Prancer and Cali discuss their dating options in the house. Unfortunately everyone is ugly, so that pretty much sums up that topic. With that out of the way, they decide they should work together even though they’re on different teams. It’s a good idea, but Saaphyri and Buckwild had it first and they do not approve! They watch and judge from a distance, and they manage to look 45 years older than Prancer and Cali while they do it. In Saaphyri’s case, this is because it’s true.

The next morning, the Green Team discusses how likely they are to win, with which Tailor Made agrees. He’s decided to play both sides, although he’s doing so poorly. It’s not long before Craig summons the cast downstairs to crowd around his picture, where he entices them to pick captains with the Midas touch. I totally hope this is his way of saying, “Whatever, y’alls, the Gold Team is still going to win this round!”

The Green Team sits down to choose a captain, and Angelique promptly volunteers. That means everyone looks around for another option. Cali raises her hand, so Cali’s captain! Angelique’s ego is officially less swollen than her boobs. On the Gold Team, Prancer steps up to the plate. It’s hard to root for the Gold Team since I’m used to The Entertainer and It being there, but Prancer is adorable, so God bless!

Everyone loads into the vans and heads to the challenge, which is in the wilderness. Excellent! Craig explains that they’re standing on top of ancient burial grounds, as well as a treasure pit. That’s always how that kind of thing works, you know? Everyone perks up immediately, practically breaking out their metal detectors and starting to dig. Fittingly the challenge is called Gold Diggers! It’s based on one of the greatest moneygrubbers of our time, Flavor of Love 3‘s Hotlanta. Fun fact: Hotlanta’s MySpace boasts that she was selected for the show out of 1,000,029 women! That is delightfully specific! She also blogged a sample of her upcoming book, and it’s actually worse than you’d imagine!

Moving on, Craig tells the cast they’ll travel into the jungle to hunt for clues. The ultimate goal is to find a designated lot of buried treasure. Whoever finishes first wins! Before they scamper off, Craig has one more bit of information: each team will be tethered together. Unfortunately no one knows what “tethered” means, so that’s awkward. The Entertainer assumes it means they’ll all have sex with each other, but ultimately that’s probably what it does mean. Good on ya, Frank.

Everyone sets off! Each team makes it to their first clue pretty quickly, and it tells them to throw coconuts into an elevated net. When the net is heavy enough, it’ll drop down so the team can collect the sacks inside. As a girl who’s good at sack-grabbin’, Buckwild immediately gets into gear. It never ceases to amaze me how she can transfer from ghetto-redneck to totally-normal-girl in about 2.4 seconds. As soon as coconuts start raining down upon her, she’s completely accent-free! I know Flav addressed this years ago, but he also wanted to fuck her and that renders his opinion moot.

On the Green Team, they decide to let the guys do all the throwing, which Milf thinks is ridiculous. Milf has a penis, so she’s bummed she’s not openly welcome to participate. She’d actually have a better shot at success than The Entertainer, who struggles with the strain of the “15-pound coconuts.” You know those 15-pound coconuts you bring home from the grocery store all the time? That totally always happens! Nevertheless, the Green Team finishes the first challenge quickly and motors on. The Gold Team continues to bean each other for another 20 minutes before achieving success.

Each team retrieves a dictionary from the coconut net, and they carry it with them to the second station. The next project features a piñata, so The Entertainer crosses his fingers that candy or toys are inside. What a satisfying result! Unfortunately the clue tells them to collect seven pairs of gloves and a key from inside the piñata, but The Entertainer merrily swats at it anyway. This leads It to critique the hitting efforts, because of course he does. It is so terribly athletic and strong and not at all mentally retarded! He stands back and watches while The Entertainer breaks it open with a rock, revealing all the gloves. No one mentions a key, but for all I know Milf’s hiding it in her sack.

On the Gold Team, 20 Pack beats the piñata with a random branch, which is actually a decent idea! It’s both less dangerous and more inventive than The Entertainer’s method, which is not terribly shocking, I suppose. Heat remarks that this is “a safari from hell,” which I thought was a dig at Saaphyri but…it was just someone using correct terminology for once. Weird.

While they struggle with the piñata, which involves Bonez taking the stick and vaulting off it like he’s in the friggin’ Olympics, the Green Team moves onto the third station. They’re instructed to untie a key and at least one shovel before moving on, but they’re free to take as many shovels as they want. Normal people would immediately take all the shovels available, right? Clearly they’ll need to dig something! Instead, Cali insists they only take one. She claims the instructions say to take one key and then a shovel, in that precise order, so everyone takes her word instead of giving the clue another glance. As I predicted last week, this is the first time we’ve seen Cali speak all season, so say your goodbyes to her now.

Saaphyri theorizes that this is ridiculous, which means it’s balls-out dumb if she can recognize it, but Myammee takes Cali’s side. You just want to holler at these people to read, for the love of God, but that would be too simple. Meanwhile, the Gold Team nearly hoists Bonez in the air and uses him as a battering ram to break that damn piñata. They finally smash it and run to their third station, while the Green Team continues to fight over clue semantics.

Myammee is so insistent on being right, she reaches out and snatches peoples’ hands away from collecting shovels. I’d take Myammee’s word if they were debating lingerie choices, but reading is a little dicey. This results in an enormous clusterfuck, which is to be expected.

The Gold Team reads the clue correctly, of course, and expediently gets their task done. Happy worker music plays in the background like we’re watching a scene from Enchanted. They take two shovels and leave the rest behind though, which is only slightly more adept than the Green Team. This is a race, y’all! More shovels equals more progress! I don’t know why I’m ever surprised when these people do dumb things.

When the Green Team finally finishes (and takes several shovels, thankfully), the Gold Team is already working on the fourth station. The clue is in Spanish, which is muy caliente! At least it is for Heat, who is the only person on this entire show who can speak Spanish. I thought he was fluent but it seems he knows a fifth-grade level of Español, since it takes him a superlong time to read the clue. He concludes their next key is underneath the clue box, so they collect it and read the next set of instructions. It tells them to return to the starting line and dig up their treasure chest. On they go! They’re allowed to untie themselves once they reach the starting line, but they don’t because…that would make things easy.

Back in the jungle, the Green Team reaches the fourth station and weeps like little babies. No one can speak a word of Spanish, but they conclude something about going to the bathroom, which is brilliant. The clue totally says to pop a squat and take a pee. Thanks, guys. The team neglects to use the dictionary they’re holding, natch, but Saaphyri decides to kick the clue box over just for the hell of it. She once killed a man for similar reasons, it’s what ya do! Her stupidity works well on this one occasion, so the team collects the key and dashes for the start. By “dashes,” I mean trots along to sad clown music since Cali thinks they need to walk backwards to the start. Her team beats some sense into her and they plunder on, so we never get to see if they would’ve walked in the wrong direction for the rest of the show.

The Green Team chooses to untie themselves when they arrive at the dig site, but it seems like a lost cause since the Gold Team has already found the location of their treasure chest. It’s buried deep though, so 20 Pack decides to use his brain – shocking but true! The group unties themselves and then hooks their rope onto the chest. They manage to heave it out in just a few seconds, so the Gold Team wins! Treasure for everyone! Heat weeps and prays like they just retrieved Baby Jesus himself.

As team captain, Prancer will decide who goes home. Hoorah! She celebrates, though not by rolling around on her Heelys, and that’s Cali’s cue to say she’ll go in the box for the Green Team. Of course it’s just because Prancer’s her BFF, but whatever, it looks selfless. Arguing overshadows her moment of greatness however, because of course it does. Myammee and Saaphyri continue to bicker about the wording of that clue, which might as well have been in Mandarin for all the trouble they had interpreting it. Myammee insists she’ll go back and retrieve it to prove her point, which would’ve saved a lot of trouble to begin with, really. It would’ve been nicer if Saaphyri did it though, since then she’d have an excuse for looking so rough.

It’s a shame she probably customized her shirt to look like that. I can’t wait for her inevitable fashion line! Anyway, Myammee goes back to fetch the clue and then is promptly punched in the face for being so wrong. That makes for a fun ride home!

At the house, Saaphyri parades around with the clue for no real reason. You’d think it would be to further stick it to Myammee, but then Saaphyri rushes to talk shit with her, so…never mind. They decide that Cali must’ve thrown the challenge since she’s friends with Prancer, which is actually a plausible theory, incorrect as it is. Myammee is wise to go along with it, so she does so while loudly eating chips with Saaphyri. Hot.

Saaphyri takes this theory to be gospel, which is adorably egotistical. Also: ridiculous. Her plan is to tell everyone and get Cali eliminated for it, but if Prancer is captain, doesn’t that seem futile? Like, for real? Saaphyri doesn’t care, so she runs to tell the news to the whole damn house. She uses the word “cahoots” a lot though, so that’s pretty happy-making.

The news disturbs the house, especially the members of the former Gold Team. They felt like they still had an alliance, but now Prancer is breaking it apart! Woe! Also woeful: Tailor Made seems to be ganking 20 Pack’s injury, which is both sweet and queer.

Ice chats with Bonez and Tailor Made about how to eliminate Cali, and that inspires Tailor Made to start thinking of himself as the game’s hero. He’ll redeem this game! He’ll get these evil cheaters out of the way! I’m so sure about that.

The Green Team rushes to corner Cali, asking why she wanted to be captain when she knew Prancer had the same position. Cali maintains she didn’t know anything, which makes Saaphyri shriek in rage, so Milf pops in and demands answers as well. Milf is so obviously trying to take the spotlight off herself, it is ridic. She’s straining so hard she pops a boner in the process. Unfortunately Saaphyri then announces that Cali, Myammee and Milf are going in the box, so…there’s that. I love how Saaphyri’s word is law. Girlfriend is the new Buddha.

The next morning, the Greenies head to the vault as usual. They have 15 minutes to come up with their nominees, but Saaphyri immediately announces who’s in the strongbox. Ceremony over! I wish the show could move this quickly every week, this shit rocks. The Gold Team files in to hear their choices, and the bottom three make Prancer a little nervous. Actually, correction: Cali makes Prancer nervous, because it’s hard to keep an alliance when you have to send your partner home.

Before Prancer heads out for the Power Outing, the Gold Team pulls her aside and explains she has to eliminate Cali. There’s no choice; it must be done! She cries because she is cute and should not be plagued with such stress. It should be noted that she mentions in confessional that she and Cali definitely had the captains thing planned out, but still, she’s totally presh.

Time for the Power Outing! The foursome heads to the beach, where a bunch of dudes ask the girls if they’ve ever done a zip line. They assume this is a euphemism for drugs, but it’s kind of like bungee jumping instead.

While they flail through the air, Tailor Made is back at the house telling Bonez and Ice that the Old Gold Team is still working together. Apparently this alliance consists of The Entertainer, Saaphyri, Angelique, Heat, 20 Pack and Buckwild. I love that Angelique is still all up in there, like she has any clue what’s going on. Tailor Made comes up with an elaborate plan to counter this alliance with one of his own. It will feature himself, Myammee, Cali, Ice, Bonez and Prancer. All of this alliance talk is exhausting, so I hope he can keep track of it for us, since I surely cannot. He decides his alliance should eliminate Milf, that way they’ll ensure Cali and Prancer will stay on their side. Simple enough, I guess.

Elsewhere, after zip lining on the outing, the foursome sits down for lunch. The food looks great.

Prancer tells the ladies it boggles her mind that strong people are sitting at the table with her. She should be glad that the Green Team is helping her eliminate tough competition, but whatevs. Milf nods thoughtfully and adjusts her junk, but since she doesn’t address anything verbally, Prancer assumes Milf feels safe. Milf insists she doesn’t, and she gets hilariously Midwestern as she does. She babbles about how she’s “just going through [my] normal day” but she says it like she’s an extra in Fargo.

Prancer asks if the Green Team told Milf she was safe, and Milf is like, “My day is normal! Just like any ol’ girl on the farm!” Methinks she took lessons from Cornfed. She never directly answers the question, which would be to say that the Green Team assured her safety, so Prancer gets irritated. She questions Cali’s loyalty next, and Cali pretty much announces, “We have an alliance so of course I’m loyal!” Announcing that in front of her fellow Greens is pretty bright, so that’s cool. Myammee says nothing, since apparently Prancer caused her elimination on Flavor of Love 3 and they’ll never see eye-to-eye. Way to make a case for yourself!

When it’s time for the one-on-one, Prancer chooses Myammee so they can get totally awkward together. They each take a shot and then start to talk strategy, which is surprisingly endearing. I don’t know if it’s Prancer’s charm or Myammee’s boobs, but something about them putting aside their difficulties is cute! Myammee invites Prancer into the alliance with Tailor Made, Bonez and Ice, so that’s something to ponder as they head back to the house.

Upon arrival, the Gold Team immediately calls a meeting. 20 Pack says the reason the Old Gold Team always did well is because they consistently sent home the strongest person in the box. Of course this is a lie – when was Leilene ever considered strong, you know? Tailor Made recognizes that point as well, so he counters that it doesn’t make sense for the Gold and Green Teams to both want the same person sent home. Therefore Cali stays! He and Buckwild get into a shouting match over it, which is terribly unusual on her behalf, and mayhem ensues. 20 Pack shouts that the verdict should be Prancer’s call if they can’t all agree, and her mouth kind of falls open over how easy that was. Like, awesome – she’ll just do what she wants, good deal!

Elimination time! Myammee is in her underwears, although I don’t feel like they deserve a screencap every time. Don’t get me wrong, I want to screencap them every time because it’s absurd, but feh. The nominees line up so Prancer and Craig can struggle to avoid their gaze, and Craig asks for some last words. Milf offers that she’s the weakest link on her team, since she’s both dumb and clumsy, so she should clearly get to stay. Excellent. Myammee refuses to say anything under the guise of hating Prancer, and Cali is like, “We’re best friendsies, yay!” I don’t know why both of the Asian girls had to buck the smart Asian trend, but so be it.

Prancer considers their lame answers and then says this day has stressed her out. Sadly no one offers to hug it out, bitch, so Prancer tells Craig to just void this first check. Without further adieu, aside from extended promos and a commercial break, she calls Cali’s name! Except…she fakes out the group and tells Cali to be glad the check’s not for her. Bye Milf, you’re going home! The Gold Team is pissed as all get-out, but they muster up a goodbye for Milf. Milf weeps about how she wanted to unify her family and use the money to finish her gender reassignment surgery, but her pleas do no good. Craig stamps her check and she floats away in a river of tears.

Next time, the contestants compete in last season’s chicken catapult! Then The Entertainer receives a ridiculous injury and gets kind of mad about it! So, that’s new.

What say you? Is Prancer totally awesome or what? Will the Gold Team continue to stay on top? How many veins will The Entertainer pop in the next episode? Leave your thoughts!