I Love Money 2: Not Safe for Life

This week on I Love Money 2, there’s more hooking up than ever! And not even a second of it is sexy.

We open to last week’s elimination, where The Entertainer alternates between kissing Buckwild and kissing 20 Pack. It’s hard to tell which is worse.

20 Pack decrees that he’ll break Tailor Made’s head open, which should be worth a laugh or two. Then he stomps into the house and asks the Gold Team if they’re ready for a meeting. They’re all super into that, since it’s fun to meet with someone who’s enraged! The team ignores him in favor of eating dinner, but he tells them to fuck dinner. Over on the Green Team, It takes that literally and gets busy with a burrito.

20 Pack gathers his team together and informs Prancer that he’ll be calling her The Traitor from now on. I won’t be following his lead, but for what it’s worth, Prancer’s totally cool with it! Buckwild tacks on that she’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Traitor, which is clever although long-winded, and then screaming ensues. Knowing Buckwild, you know there’s some serious friggin’ yelling about not much in particular. She’s mad! Prancer’s a turtle! Et al. She has trouble really inciting a response from anyone, so she decides to toss Tailor Made’s shit around.

All’s fair in love and war! Unfortunately the household disagrees, which Tailor Made discovers pretty quickly. The producers intervene to pull Tailor Made away, and as soon as The Entertainer finds out his beloved girlfriend is in jeopardy, he starts issuing death threats. If I’m Tailor Made, I’m making a point to never sleep again, dudes.

We fade to black and return to The Entertainer’s alliance talking strategy the next day. They need to destroy the other alliance, but Angelique explains that she just doesn’t get them. How can they turn on her group for neau reezon? Truer words have never been spoken, Angelique. The Entertainer says his main goal is to eliminate Tailor Made, but Buckwild’s goal is to stay out of the box. The alliance assures her she’s safe no matter what, because everyone loves Becky Buckwild. By the way, that is my least favorite name ever. It’s Becky or it’s Buckwild, and never the twain shall meet.

On the other side of the house, Bonez tells Tailor Made this will be the most important challenge of them all. Tailor Made agrees, but he recognizes that their alliance has one shifty member. Cali is really a part of both alliances, which means Cali’s in surprisingly good shape in this competition. Who could’ve seen that coming? Tailor Made decides Cali needs his alliance as much as it needs her, so they’re probably all set.

Alone in the living room, It opens a bottle with his teeth. He tells us in confessional that his strategy is to fly under the radar, and I hate that he recognizes this. If he ends up winning this show, I don’t want him to take credit for it like he’s semi-competent! Whatever, he struggles with his bottle and then Craig summons the cast to the kitchen. The challenge deets instruct the cast to bring their bathing suits and team uniforms, so by default I guess they won’t be skinny-dipping. Drag.

The Gold Team chooses Bonez as their captain, mostly because they don’t give a shit. 20 Pack and Buckwild plan to throw the challenge anyway, so what’s the dif? Bonez is delighted nonetheless! On the Green Team, Angelique volunteers for the job. So…they’re bound to lose this round, good to know.

Everyone heads off to the challenge. Cali tells us she doesn’t feel like she’s in an alliance; she’s more focused on winning for her team. That means she’s in an alliance with whoever’s doing better at the moment, just for reference. Craig welcomes the cast to the challenge before explaining that all the “of Love” shows have had their hot and cold moments. Some of the hot moments include the Rock of Love 1 girls partaking in phone sex with Bret, who has seen better days indeed.

I’m one of those sad women who finds him attractive, but even I can’t abide by that shit. Keep your hat (and pants) on, Bret. In the hot/cold vein, today’s competition is called Fire and Ice. The team captains will play Fire, and that involves dressing up in an offensive Mexican costume. Caliente! Everyone else will play Ice, and that means melting a huge block of ice using their bodies. The ice houses seven gold coins, and for every coin collected, the Fires can remove one article of their offensive costume. The teams need six coins to win. This challenge is bizarre even to me, which means the contestants are practically weeping in frustration.

Craig gives the teams the signal, and with that, the race is on! Everyone starts rubbing tits and asses all over the ice, especially Cali. She’s immediately praised for her big fat ass, so that’s nice. Fat bottomed girls, they make the rockin’ world go ’round. Prancer is bummed that Cali’s ass is so big. She saved Cali, so in return Cali should use her ass as little as possible. Alas, such a concept is blasphemy to a VH1 girl.

Ice’s ass is smaller, so she has trouble whittling the Gold Team’s ice. Bonez asks 20 Pack to help her, but clearly 20 Pack is preoccupied with shell collecting.

Once he’s caught goofing off, he decides to lie down and take a nap. I guess Buckwild taught him the art of challenge-throwing. Over on the Green Team, 20 Pack’s alliance is proud of him for slacking. Their joy gives them the motivation to free a coin, and that means Angelique gets to take off an item of clothing. Nothing could delight her more!

The Gold Team quickly follows their lead, collecting one coin. That concerns the Green Team, but they’re even more concerned when they see Myammee throwing the challenge. Myammee’s got an ass for days, so you can see how this is troubling. The Greens free another coin without her though, so her attempts may be in vain.

Craig decides the challenge is taking longer than anticipated, so he gives each team a bucket in an attempt to speed things along. I probably would’ve resorted to smashing the ice with the bucket, but the teams decide to fill the pails with water, which works just as well I suppose. The Green Team quickly collects their third coin, so Angelique is officially on her way to stripping down. Success! Weirdly, she’s almost passably attractive with clothes on, so it’s a good thing that’ll end soon.

On the Gold Team, Buckwild is working surprisingly hard, which…makes no sense, actually. She and Prancer devise a system where Prancer licks the ice and Buckwild fingers it. Heh. Carry on, ladies. Prancer turns in two coins, so the teams are neck and neck! Saaphyri lands another coin for the Greens, but Prancer promptly turns one in for the Goldies. I realize this is falrly boring to read, but it’s all happening pretty quickly, which is a shock in itself.

Anyway, each team needs two more coins! There’s some frantic carving and then the Green Team turns in their fifth coin. Then the Gold Team turns in theirs! Each team needs one more to win, which means for once the challenge isn’t a total blowout! The Gold Team is totally close, and Buckwild retrieves the coin. Gold Team wins! Except…wait…where’s Buckwild going? Oh, she’s fucking running away with the coin. Seriously.

She runs away and tells the team to fuck themselves! Oh my God, I simultaneously hate her and want to take her out for chicken wings. She tosses the coin out to sea, and Tailor Made is dumb enough to go after her, like he’ll be able to find it out there. Unsurprisingly he does not, nor does he choke the shit out of her. I don’t think the producers would even intervene this time.

The commotion gives the Green Team a chance to rebound, and with that, they turn in their last coin. The Green Team wins! Angelique is the Paymaster! She shows her tits in glee, which I would screencap if it were anyone else, but you’ve all seen those grabbags before.

After everyone returns to the house, 20 Pack works out while Angelique drools over his body. She wants to fuck him very badly, so she decides she will. I love that she thinks this is how relationships work. I guess it’s how relations work, but still. She mounts him with great fervor, even though he shrieks about his broken arm. It’s not his arm she’s interested in, so who cares? She undoes his pants, theorizing that she’s Paymaster so she’s allowed to, and 20 Pack says something about her wanting to do “the horizontal frog dance” with him. Way to make your sex even more repulsive, 20 Pack.

He worms his way out from under her, setting off in search of lip disinfectant. Teeth-brushing would probably be enough for most people, but understandably that never occurs to anyone in this household. His exit is Angelique’s cue to chase him while holding a belt. She’ll beat him into submission, y’all! Luckily he manages to evade her by…hiding in plain sight. She is stumped and gives up the goat.

In their bedroom, Bonez and Tailor Made try to analyze the vault situation. Tailor Made says it makes sense to put the most likable person in the strongbox alongside Buckwild and 20 Pack. Bonez would be wise to disagree, since he’s really the most likable out of their alliance. They decide to choose whoever has the best connection with Angelique, but that doesn’t really get them anywhere. Angelique has no friendships aside from dick-suckin’ ones.

Later on, everyone sits down for a healthy argument. 20 Pack says if the Tailor Made Alliance wants to play the game fairly, they need to put Tailor Made in the strongbox. That’ll bring everything back to normal in the other alliance’s eyes. The Entertainer echoes these sentiments by screaming and being unattractive, two things at which he excels. I genuinely can’t describe how much I hate this dude. I know he’s good TV, I know he keeps things interesting, but oh my God I want to punch him in the nuts so bad.

The Entertainer stomps off, leaving 20 Pack to have a rational discussion with his team. He says they can decide who else winds up in the box, and he makes a point of mentioning that he’s completely cool with Bonez. Bonez smiles at this, even though he should just flip the hell out. Nice guys go in the box this round, Bonez! Don’t throw yourself under the bus! As soon as 20 Pack leaves, the rest of the Tailor Made Alliance is like, “Um yeah, it should totally be you, Bonez.” Sad trombone.

The Green Team parties it up outside, playing a rousing round of Truf or Dare, as Saaphyri puts it. She offers It a dare, which is to give her a kiss. What a fucking dare indeed, that’s like daring herself.

Of all the possible pairings on this show, why do these folks always find the grossest ones? Saaphyri explains that when you’re in the jungle, you have to find some sort of satisfaction. Seems like tequila would take care of that for her, but whatevskies. 20 Pack dares It to suck on Saaphyri’s toes, which is just – I am done, y’all. Done! I feel like Saaphyri has really rank feet, and hot saliva won’t help any. He does it anyway, but blissfully it only lasts for a second at most. Thank God for small miracles.

Angelique asks 20 Pack to pick truth or dare, and for some reason he chooses dare, even though he should know what’s going to happen. Sure enough, she dares him to kiss her, and he flat-out refuses. Yay! Alas, Angelique is not deterred. She chases him until he announces he’s going to bed. We’re not privy to the footage of her raping him at that point, unfortch.

Inside the house, Tailor Made and Prancer jot down strategies to present to Angelique, and the term “hierarchy” is used. It’s the correct usage for sure, but dudes, Angelique will think they’re like, “Higher, Arky” and she’s going to be like, “No, I’m Frenchy!” and it will be arduous. Also, I dig the Tailor Made Alliance but my goodness they are boring.

We cut to the next morning, when the Tailor Made Alliance (henceforth known as the TMA) is still friggin’ talking strategy. Tailor Made says that whoever goes in the box is taking a sacrifice for the team, so Bonez decides they should pick a name out of a hat. That’s too risky for Tailor Made though – his name could be pulled! He thinks they should do this democratically, which means they just vote when they get to the vault…and everyone will vote Bonez.

Ice mentions that 20 Pack said he has nothing against Bonez, so that’s Tailor Made’s cue to dwell on this. Since that alliance doesn’t really care about Bonez, maybe they’ll keep him around! Bonez stupidly agrees, so everyone keeps that in mind as they head for the vault.

Craig explains the vault rules, but this is old hat by now. Buckwild asks if she can send in an absentee ballot instead of hanging around, since surely she has so much else going on. Her box of wine can’t stand to be without her! Craig responds by completely ignoring her, hoorah! Then Bonez starts the voting process. No one votes for Prancer or Ice, but 20 Pack and Buckwild vote for Tailor Made. It would’ve been truly awesome if the other members of the TMA turned on him at the last second, but alas, it’s not to be.

Ice, Prancer and Tailor Made all vote for 20 Pack, Buckwild and Bonez to be in the box. No big shock there, sadly. Craig drops the checks in the box and then calls the Green Team in to hear the nominees. They’re a little surprised to see Bonez in there, especially The Entertainer, who wonders how the TMA could do that do a religious man. Bonez will just have to get his justice in Heaven, because religion don’t fly in this piece.

After the vault ceremony, the TMA decides to roleplay the Power Outing. Clearly if they rehearse things really well, they’ll be able to save Bonez! Unless this roleplay involves pornography, though, it probably won’t be accurate. They act out their scene anyway, deciding that Angelique needs to know she’s at the bottom of the ladder in the other alliance. If she switches over and joins the TMA, she’ll…be in the same exact spot but with less fun people. As they discuss this, The Entertainer and 20 Pack burst in to tell Prancer and Ice they’re the next to go home. Therefore they should join the other alliance, because everyone over there hates them! Common sense! Then The Entertainer shouts some more, and nuts should be punched.

Next, Angelique and the bottom three head out for their Power Outing. The smell of fish is strong in the air, so everyone assumes Frenchy didn’t wash her business, but instead it’s some dude bringing in red snapper for lunch. The Power Outing is cleaning and cooking these fish. Angelique is upset because she’s been a vegetarian for seventeen years. Surely the producers knew this, so squee, they hate her too!

Since Angelique refuses to participate, the others hang back as well. That means the random Mexican fellow does the whole process, which is hilariously graphic. Guts explode all over the place, so Angelique has to leave to cope. Coping involves boning 20 Pack, so she asks him to come along with her. He agrees, because when the options are A) gutting a fish and B) getting genital warts, warts seem like the better choice.

Bonez and Buckwild spy from across the beach, and Bonez says, “We’re gonna turn around in three minutes and her top’s gonna be off.” Her top is literally off in three seconds, but it’s so cute of Bonez to overestimate. 20 Pack genuinely looks nauseous at the prospect of her tatters, but he says in confessional that if she gets him drunk and plays hard to get, chances are he’ll probably doink her. And now I’m nauseous.

Angelique finally releases him from her clutches, so they rejoin the group for drinks.

Angeliqe asks Bonez if he’d like to speak to her in private, and he’s kind of hesitant. There’s a good chance this isn’t the one-on-one time, it’s just Angelique being like, “So you dew mee, yah?” He accepts the time anyway and tries to explain the benefits of joining his alliance. He’s pretty unconvincing, so I hope he doesn’t dally as a street preacher in his spare time. He would not entice me to enter the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

Angelique is moderately intrigued by joining the TMA, which would give her a larger alliance. It’s only larger because the TMA claims they have Cali on their side, while Cali is actually just floating in the ether. Regardless, Bonez elaborates that Prancer and Cali are best friends, so she’s ultimately siding with the TMA. Angelique nods thoughtfully, telling us in confessional that she has to share this with her “lion.” That’s not code for “alliance,” that’s code for “vagina.”

The Power Outing comes to a close and everyone retreats to the house. Angelique pulls Buckwild aside to tell her about Cali, so Buckwild promptly tells Saaphyri. Then Saaphyri runs off to ask Cali about this personally, which is surprisingly astute. Usually she’d settle on gossiping about it for days. Cali immediately denies the whole thing, because the Green Team is doing better right now and she’d like a piece of that. Naturally Saaphyri doesn’t believe her, which makes you wonder why she spoke to her at all. Clearly it’s Saaphyri’s way or the highway!

Cali says they should have this discussion with Bonez, so they bring The Entertainer along to corner the TMA. According to Prancer, Cali agreed to join the TMA at the Power Outing a few weeks ago. Then she calls Cali out for trying to throw the Fire and Ice challenge, which seems fairly inaccurate. It’s all hectic and confusing, so Angelique doesn’t know where Cali stands. Admittedly all she knows overall is that she wants to screw 20 Pack, so…there’s that. The Entertainer decides Cali is 100% on the Green Alliance, and then he marches out of the room like that ends the discussion.

Surprisingly the world keeps turning without him, although his alliance follows on his heels. Myammee insists to Angelique that Cali is part of the TMA, because whoever gets the last word is totally correct. Then Tailor Made comments that Buckwild always sticks around because her alliance is always on the opposite team, and Angelique asks, “So you think I should send Vecky home?” If the TMA can legitimately swing this, they are my eternal heroes, not gonna lie!

Bonez explains that Buckwild will only look out for Saaphyri and The Entertainer. If she had to, she’d send Angelique home in a hot second. In confessional, Angelique admits she doesn’t know who to trust, but the Gold Team sure does seem nice. Then she tells the TMA that she might send Buckwild home, at which point the entire Gold Team does the Snoopy Dance.

Time for elimination! 20 Pack is worried because kissing Angelique would’ve sealed the deal for his safety. It also would’ve signed his herpes contract. Bonez is equally concerned because Angelique may not recognize the allure of his fedora.

Craig begins the ceremony by reminding us there’s twelve people left, which means this season will never end. A hymn cues up in the background as Bonez interrupts, explaining that he’s seen people compromise their beliefs in this house. There’ve been evil tactics, but God Almighty, he’ll spread peace and “spirityality”! This game is God’s will! You’d like to see Angelique reply, “It’s actually my will, so go the fuck home,” but whatever.

Angelique blows everyone’s minds and calls 20 Pack first. He’s been really loyal to her since day one, and also she wants to S his D. However, she’s a little pissed he doesn’t want to bone her. He’ll still receive his check, but only if he French kisses her right now. He’s really, really happy about this, as you can imagine.

He contemplates it for a minute, but ultimately, mouth sores are worth $250,000. The kiss takes place, to which It shrieks, “That tongue go in her mouf, yo!” Thanks for the reminder. Angelique describes it as, “So hot, so sexy…”

He gets his check, so the bottom two are Bonez and Buckwild. Angelique speaks to Bonez first, remarking that he’s made her think a lot, and they’re both very spiritual people. On the other hand, Buckwild is definitely loyal and trustworthy, but she’s a very strong player. Angelique will have to compete with her down the line.

She calls Buckwild forward and…gives her the check. Ugh. Buckwild responds by saying, “Your boobs are fake, your lips are fake, but you are one of the realest chicks in this house.”

She really goes to town there, eh? Kissing her ass is one thing, but it’s another to kiss the hole. Buckwild collects her check anyway, and Angelique is left to apologize to Bonez. He replies that in the Bible, seven is the number of completion, and it’s the seventh elimination and yadda yadda. I like you, Bonez, but shut your trap.

Next time, there is pole-hanging! The TMA tries to get It on their side! The Entertainer screams to Saaphyri, “This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it”! Relatedly, The Entertainer is functionally retarded.

What say you? Do you think the Saaphyri/The Entertainer yelling match will lead to the Green Alliance’s demise? Which team do you think It should side with? Would you kiss Angelique’s asshole? Leave your thoughts after the jump!