I Love Money 2: Lie-bations

This week on I Love Money 2, payback and karma are both awfully bitchy. Hold onto your hats!

We open to the Green Team talking strategy. The Entertainer thinks they could throw the next challenge and eliminate Myammee, but they should win today and eliminate Tailor Made. Then he calls Tailor Made a snake about 55,000 times, which doesn’t grate on my nerves at all. At least if you play a drinking game with this at home, you can be wasteyfaced when the show hits the two-minute mark!

Elsewhere in the house, the TMA prepares for the upcoming challenge. Prancer even has a costume, although really it just makes me feel sad for her boobs.

Saaphyri and It are notably absent from all the morning activities, and we come to find out it’s because they’re doing each other, ughghgh. It tells us in confessional that he’s making an alliance with her, but not a real one – just a love alliance. Basically he’s orchestrating the grossest showmance ever, for which you have to give him some credit, but…I’d rather not. He proves his love for Saaphyri by announcing that he has to fart, and then dutchovens for her pleasure. The clearest memory I have of I Love Money 1 is when The Entertainer told Destiney he was holding in a fart for her, so at least It understands this show’s motifs.

Craig’s picture summons the cast downstairs. His picture hopes their spirits haven’t dropped, and it wants to see how well the teams can work together in today’s challenge. Each team must pick a captain and then check the front door for a team letter. The Entertainer wisely picks up on the keyword of “drop” in the challenge deets, whereas Angelique picks up on the mention of “bathing suits.” I’m sure she’s onto something there! It remarks on the challenge, too, but only in circus noises that cannot be transcribed.

The Gold Team sits down to vote, but Buckwild says, “Naw, dude, that shit’s done. I’m the captain.” She barely opens her eyes as she says it, such is her level of excitement for this day! The TMA decides to revote, so they settle on Tailor Made as captain. Buckwild and 20 Pack don’t protest, probably because they were going to throw this thing either way. Who cares about the semantics? The TMA heads upstairs to shit-talk, so they discuss whom they’ll send home. Prancer hates everyone for different reasons, so she doesn’t really care who’s in the box. Ice mockingly suggests It, but Tailor Made thinks they can convert him. I’m sure It has done a lot of thinking about this already, being a philosopher and all.

Saaphyri and Tailor Made head outside to collect the team letters, so I guess that means Saaphyri’s the captain for the Green Team! The letters tell them to write down the two most trustworthy members of their team, which is pretty much cake for Tailor Made. It’s harder for Saaphyri, so she doesn’t tell us what she wrote. I will assume she wrote her own name, for simplicity’s sake and because she probably did.

With that, everyone heads off to the challenge. They’re greeted by some kind of sex device.

The challenge looks very similar to last year’s Stripper Pole Slutoff (that was the technical name, I’m sure), where everyone dangled from poles and The Entertainer fell to his demise. We can only hope history will repeat! He’s immediately terrified, which is enjoyable to say the least. Craig introduces the challenge by saying everyone on this show has lied at least once during their VH1 career, and he has some video proof. We’re treated to a clip of Ice lying to Flavor Flav over whether or not she dissed him in a radio interview.

Here’s something no one else would ever care enough to notice! This radio station where Ice is supposedly having an interview? That’s a 1970s TV show, WKRP in Cincinnati, which is where my recap name comes from! The show is about a radio station, and it is kind of my friggin’ life, but alas it is not a real radio station. This clip is blatantly fake and oh my God, do I ever love catching them on things like this! I also love typos, so word ‘em up, VH1: learn yo geogrophee and yo Google. For real, could they not have looked up an actual radio station? Fake things well, VH1! Learn from your contestants!

So, hello, that is my new favorite moment of life. We also see clips of It and Tailor Made lying, but they can’t possibly compare to Ice. Anyway, the concept here is that lying leads to a tangled web, so the contestants will have to untangle themselves today. The challenge is called Tangled Web of Lies, which is…clever. Wow. Each team will be attached to a series of intertwined ropes, hanging from that big sex device. When Craig gives the signal, they’ll untangle themselves as quickly as possible. Once a contestant is hanging free from his or her rope, they can pull the release trigger on their harness and drop into the water. They cannot pull the trigger before they’re completely untangled, and if they do, they’ll be assessed a ten minute penalty. The winner will be the team who reaches a designated buoy in the fastest time. Hoorah! Simple enough!

But wait, there’s a twist! Craig explains that each team will only have three active players, so he asks each captain for their list of trustworthy teammates. Saaphyri chose Angelique and The Entertainer, and Tailor Made picked Ice and Prancer. Those are today’s teams! It would be funnier if the teams were everyone the captains didn’t pick, but whatevs, at least a legitimate challenge will take place today.

Craig says the unselected team members will be Dead Weight, so their job is to hang on their ropes and do absolutely nothing. You can already see the wheels turning in Buckwild’s mind, like, “What if I drop? What then?” We don’t get an answer to that question, but the Green Team suits up and goes airborne. The Entertainer immediately complains that his nuts hurt, but it seems like an odd time to bring up his STD, so we’ll leave that alone. Saaphyri also speaks up to tell us about the Dead Weight on their team, describing them as “Crackhead-Ass Myammee, Dumbass It, and Stupid-Ass Cali.” Fabulous! “Crackhead-Ass Myammee” gives “Teenage Mutant Ninja Traitor” a run for its money in the Battle of the Nasty Nicknames.

Craig gives the teams the signal and they’re off! The Green Team’s ropes are tangled in a janky braid, which baffles Saaphyri even though she used to be a hair stylist. Judging from the looks of her own hair, she was a great one. Nearly thee minutes in, the team has made zero progress, but they quickly start to unravel their ropes. By 4:22, The Entertainer is freeballin’. He drops into the water and reaches the buoy, and then Saaphyri and Angelique have more room to swing themselves around. Saaphyri hits the water at 5:55, with Angelique close behind her. Next they have to swim to their raft, but unfortunately it doesn’t live up to its comic potential. They finish with a respectable time of 6:04!

Then it’s the Gold Team’s turn. They start wriggling around as soon as they’re airborne, but before the clock can even start, 20 Pack and Buckwild do their best to throw the challenge. Hate for them aside, their efforts here are truly delightful!

20 Pack is twisted up like a murder victim, I love it! They manage to shake the overhead structure, which makes it nearly impossibly for the TMA to untangle their ropes at first. Then they find their pace, which is awesome until Tailor Made friggin’ falls from his harness. Falls! Penalty! You are even more of a loser, Tailor Made! The Green Team celebrates, but Myammee notices Tailor Made’s rope broke. He didn’t pull his release trigger, the rope just snapped from all the jostling. This would be hysterical if Tailor Made was shamefully obese, but as is, it’s probably just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

The producers pause the competition while they investigate the rope/trigger situation, and Craig concludes that Tailor Made did not pull the trigger. Due to equipment failure, this is not considered a disqualification or penalty, so the Gold Team gets to compete again! The Entertainer deftly recognizes that the Gold Team has the advantage now. They got to watch the Green Team, plus give it a trial run, so they totally have this in the bag. Holla!

Craig gives the signal again, and this time 20 Pack and Buckwild stay completely still. I’m not sure why neither one decides to drop into the water – maybe the Dead Weight really doesn’t have any impact on the game, but in that case, it seems useless for them to be there at all. Maybe I should call WKRP in Cincinnati for clarification. Buckwild encourages Tailor Made to let the sun reflect off his bald spot and burn the rope, which is a good suggestion, but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge her. For shame!

Ice untangles herself, so she pulls the trigger and hits the water at 3:35. Prancer and Tailor Made follow shortly after, and even though Buckwild screeches that Prancer can’t swim, no drowning takes place. They reach the buoy and finish with a time of 5:35! The Gold Team wins! Saaphyri protests, because of course she does. Her biggest complaint is that her makeup and Tweety Bird fake eyelashes done fell off. I assume they have Peso Stores in Mexico though, so no big loss. She then blames Tailor Made for calling up some of his nymphs from hell to help him win, which is definitely what happened. Goddamn those nymphs!

Everyone heads back to the house, where the TMA immediately tells It he’ll be in the box. He doesn’t believe them because he is functionally retarded, so the TMA try to explain it. Of course this is futile. Tailor Made explains that It should join their alliance. Then when the Green Team gets into the vault, they can create a stalemate. That’ll be Tailor Made’s cue to come in and vote for The Entertainer in the box! Shockingly It gets it, and Tailor Made assures, “We’re not gonna try to G you.” I genuinely have no idea what that stands for. G-et you out? G-erk you around? Pretend Mexico is The Lonely Island and g-izz in his pants?

Out on the balcony, Saaphyri and The Entertainer discuss plans for the vault. The Entertainer says they’ll tell It he’s going in the box, since they know the TMA will try to save him. Saaphyri wonders if It will be mad, but I don’t really see It as the type to have emotions, since you have to be somewhat lucid for that. She’s torn because she doesn’t want him to go home – she wants “to do it to him.” I know what this stands for, but I wish I didn’t.

The two of them set off to confront It. The Entertainer says It will be in the box, but assures him the TMA will keep him around if he promises to throw the next challenge. It can agree noncommittally, and it’s all gravy! It comments in confessional, “Frank says, ‘…they not going to eliminate you,’ like I’m dumb.” He says it with actual certainty, which is fucking weird. If he’s been faking this crap for both of his seasons on VH1, I will eat my hat.

It decides he’ll talk to Tailor Made one-on-one, but in front of Saaphyri and The Entertainer, he pretends to go along with their idea. Then they need to come up with a third candidate for the box, since It and Myammee are definites. The Entertainer doesn’t think he should go in the box, because of course he doesn’t, and that makes Saaphyri suspicious. He insists he has no suggestions, so Saaphyri offers Angelique’s name. Go figure, ten minutes ago Angelique was her most trusted teammate, but now that bitch can go home, yo. The Entertainer says that if Myammee will vote for Angelique, then she’s in the box, but otherwise he’ll have to make a last-minute decision to save himself.

He says this in front of the whole friggin’ group, not in confessional, which is pretty damn ballsy! He wasn’t even the captain this round, so he genuinely has no claim to making the final call. Of course no one protests this, at least until Saaphyri and It leave to chat together. Saaphyri tells him about The Entertainer’s plan of putting It in the box, which…The Entertainer was fairly honest about, so it’s kind of a useless convo. Whatevskies, It gets properly irritated, which is exactly what Saaphyri wants. If she and It work together, they can take over the world! Or at least a block of the ghetto. They conclude The Entertainer should be in the box, since he’s a strong competitor and Tailor Made will definitely eliminate him. Excellent!

It promptly leaves to talk with Tailor Made. It says The Entertainer is trying to G him, natch, so he’s really in favor of creating a stalemate with Myammee and Saaphyri. This means we’ll have an exciting vault, so holla! Their convo carries over to the next morning, when Tailor Made rehashes their plans over and over again. He refrains from running around and shouting that they’ve got a secret, but just barely. It leaves to make sure Saaphyri is still down with the stalemate, but she has to think it over.

Her beauty is overwhelming, as is her statement of “Maybe I should cohort with It.” Ah, it’s rare you hear that word as a verb! God bless Saaphyri. She’s still pondering when they head into the vault, before which The Entertainer gleefully shrieks, “Everything is perfect, nothing could go wrong!” Let’s hope.

Saaphyri immediately starts the voting process by asking who wants Frank in the box, throwing her hand in the air. It and Myammee quickly follow, and then The Entertainer poops his pants. Seriously, shit hits both the fan and his trunks. Everyone breaks into a screaming match, so Craig interrupts and asks if they need help. They do, so he takes over as King Vote. Angelique, Cali and The Entertainer vote for Myammee and It. Those two vote for Angelique and Cali, and then Saaphyri joins them in voting for The Entertainer. Then Angelique, Cali and The Entertainer vote for Saaphyri. Four people have three votes, so there’s not a clear consensus! With five minutes left on the clock, more yelling ensues.

Time ticks down as The Entertainer and Saaphyri spar. There’s some weird parental mocking in which The Entertainer asks where Saaphyri’s parents are, because at least he’s got parents! Great point? I’m assuming her parents are dead, because Craig intervenes and tells The Entertainer he’s better than that. The Entertainer shouts back, “No, I’m not!” Oh, okay then. This goes back and forth until the 15 minutes runs out, so it’s time for the Paymaster to decide! Yay!

The Gold Team consults, by which I mean the TMA decides who they’d like in the box. Buckwild and 20 Pack mostly stand back and pick each other’s wedgies. When Craig asks for the nominees, Tailor Made names Saaphyri, Angelique and The Entertainer, but Buckwild insists that’s the TMA’s vote, as though that makes a difference. Shockingly, just like every other week, Buckwild running her mouth has no effect on the voting process! The nominees are final, and that necessitates a really extended animated sequence.

The Green Team convenes to assure The Entertainer he won’t be going home, which seriously drives home Craig’s point from the challenge: all these fools lie. Angelique tries to insist that Saaphyri is a very strong player, so she’ll probably be kicked out, but unfortch Saaphyri overhears their conversation. She asks, “Saaphyri what?!” and then The Entertainer tells her, “This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it.” In return, she tells him to S her D. They shout petty insults at each other for a little while, but then The Entertainer puts his game face on. He has to convince Tailor Made to keep him around, and that means telling him he’ll be in the TMA for all eternity. Then he farts and waves it in Saaphyri’s direction, which is legitimately not an exaggeration – that happened. Quality television, y’all!

Time for the Power Outing! Tailor Made bites his nails during their ride to the beach, since he’s afraid The Entertainer will castrate him, but The Entertainer is all smiles once they get to their destination. He requests the Outing’s solo time so he can explain himself and they can have a fun chitchat. He’ll also show Tailor Made what a snake Saaphyri is, so there’s your cue to take another shot.

The Power Outing is named The Implant Buster.

The contestants have to climb that mountain, and Angelique volunteers first because she is ridiculous. She asks if she has to keep her clothes on, and shockingly the instructors request that she does. I find this hard to believe, since she is so unbelievably sexy. She manages to both stay fully clothed and scale the mountain pretty quickly, two impressive feats if ever there were any. Tailor Made follows on her heels, and then it’s Saaphyri and The Entertainer’s turn. This sounds like it could be amazing entertainment, since one would undoubtedly shove the other, but alas The Entertainer refuses to participate. He claims it’s because of his cracked rib, but you know it’s just to talk shit about Saaphyri.

Once she’s several feet in the air, he pulls Tailor Made aside and hisses that Saaphyri is a pretty physical competitor. Also, she’s a slutfaced whore so keep him instead. He adds that he’s more trustworthy than Saaphyri, and oddly Tailor Made buys that. The Entertainer then promises Tailor Made’s safety, but Saaphyri dismounts so the conversation must cease.

The group sits down for lunch, and Saaphyri insists on praying. She’s been on several Power Outings and has somehow refrained from this before, but whatevs! We’re treated to a nice prayer that includes blessing the food so it will be good in their bellies, which is Jesus’ top concern. Then everyone dines in delicious, uncomfortable silence, until Tailor Made asks Saaphyri who should go home. She says The Entertainer, since he’s controlling both the game and Buckwild. I don’t know why this would sway anyone, since Buckwild isn’t exactly beloved by the TMA, but hey! Tailor Made asks The Entertainer who he would’ve put in the box, and The Entertainer says Myammee, It, and someone else.

Saaphyri chimes in that the other person was Cali, but The Entertainer denies this. He would never betray Cali that way! He doesn’t want to go home! Please, God, don’t make him see his parents again in this lifetime! Similar such arguments ensue, while Tailor Made sits back and giggles. Angelique suggests in confessional that everyone should get laid so there wouldn’t be any drama. That’s always how it works on these shows, sure.

Time for the one-on-one session! Tailor Made picks The Entertainer because he fears for his life otherwise. The Entertainer insists that he’ll never vote for Tailor Made, and if he’s Paymaster, he’ll never send Tailor Made home. Of course this is a huge-ass lie, but he says he’s giving his word and that means loyalty. This basic statement earns Tailor Made’s trust, but he still has a lot of things to weigh before the eviction ceremony. In The Entertainer’s mind, that means he’s safe and shall be rewarded with 250,000 bone.

Back at the house, Tailor Made tells the TMA how Saaphyri did in the climbing activity. She did it without dying, so she might be a tough opponent in the future! He mentions that she climbed as fast as he did, but that doesn’t pack quite the punch he expects. Everyone else in the alliance kind of exchanges glances, like, “So, it took her a few hours? She climbed like a girl?” Ice says they need to send that bitch home, and the group nods and agrees. Dude, if Tailor Made really squanders his opportunity to crush The Entertainer, he will be crowned The Eternal Tool.

Time for the eviction ceremony! Saaphyri interviews that she wants Frank out of there so bad, preferably via falling down the stairs or getting mangled. Fabulous! She probably shouldn’t say that on camera lest she violate her probation, but that’s her call. Craig and Tailor Made approach the contestants, and Craig remarks on how funny it is that Tailor Made is the one making the decision today. Y’all mocked him but he’s got the power now! Craig asks the nominees how they feel about that, and predictably they’re friggin’ delighted. Angelique comments that she will wash Tailor Made’s back, so…there’s that.

Craig asks who will receive the first check, so Tailor Made calls Angelique forward. She sent home one of his biggest allies last week, but she did it for a respectable reason. Hence, she gets her check! According to the captions, she remarks, “I’m soberly science, pelican stare, and I really appreciate Amish hair, buttress meat, he’s smelling me, I’m Barry White in August.” I feel sorrow for the person who spent time coming up with that, but more sorrow that I transcribed it.

Now it’s down to The Entertainer and Saaphyri! I included Buckwild in that list out of habit, but for once she’s unimportant, although she weeps on the sidelines anyway. Tailor Made thinks about the nominees for a bit before calling The Entertainer forward. The Entertainer immediately assumes he’s staying, weeee! Except, you know, the second person called forward is usually the one who’s sent home.

Tailor Made says he honestly believes he can trust The Entertainer, and he appreciates the opportunity to join The Entertainer’s alliance. 20 Pack and Buckwild smirk upon hearing this, so yeah, I’m sure The Entertainer was being super honest and open. It doesn’t matter anyway; Tailor Made already has an alliance, so The Entertainer’s check is void! Say hi to Mom, Frank!

There’s a big montage in The Entertainer’s honor, because I guess he’s dead or something, so that’s nice. I hope Heaven has more than a sleeper sofa. Then Saaphyri collects her check and promises never to call Tailor Made a devil again. He swears he won’t call her a bitch, so all’s well that ends well!

As of next week, there are no more teams! Do you think the alliances will hold up now that everyone’s playing individually? Are you glad The Entertainer’s gone? Will you miss seeing Buckwild get laid? Please say no, but leave your thoughts either way!