I Love Money: Whoresing Around

This week on I Love Money, we find out what happened on that suspenseful cliffhanger! You know, the one that was spoiled instantly if you watched VH1 at all during the week? Yeah! I’m all aflutter!

We open to everyone heading for the vault, a delightful change from the usual morning scenes! As you’ll recall from last week, Brandi volunteered to leave and they needed one more person for the strongbox. Whiteboy starts the voting ceremony and asks if anyone wants him in the box. No one does, but almost everyone wants Toastee in there, so that solves the nominee problem! They don’t even vote on Pumkin; The Gourd just wins immunity by default. I’d rather see her go in there, but for what it’s worth, Toastee gets to show off how adorably she’s dressed.

Strongbox loser, but glamour winner!

I like it because I have a shirt that’s very similar, and that’s fitting, since Toastee’s ensemble is probably just a shirt as well. Pants be damned! Wardrobe aside, Hoopz is torn over sending Megan or Toastee home. She gave Megan her word, but Megan is so wonderfully awesome it makes Hoopz feel threatened. She debates over it for about 24 seconds before inviting Real to get his check. Hoopz thanks him for the marriage proposal and…that’s about all she does to address it. Doesn’t say yes, doesn’t say no, but we all know what that means: not bloody likely. Thanks for playing, Real!

Now it’s down to Toastee and Megan. Megan gets called up first, and Hoopz explains that Megan is a threat. She did surprisingly well in the pole competition and she’s a huge manipulator, etcetera. However, Hoopz gave her word and that means something! Mostly it means Toastee’s going home. Pumkin reacts more than Toastee does, although that’s likely because Toastee’s always chillaxin’ and Pumkin is clinically insane.

A close cousin to Lily Megan.

On her way out, Toastee hollers to Megan, “You left some cottage cheese on your ass. It’s called cellulite! Get Brandi C’s doctor, okay?” It seems like she may have also said “fuck you,” but VH1 does some odd editing that throws ‘Megan’ in there in place of ‘fuck’ and I don’t know why I’m thinking about this so extensively. I’m just a conspiracy theorist, I love when shit seems suspicious or they edit terribly! Anyway, Toastee has to pack her bags and peace out. None of the houseguests are bummed, but we’ll pour one out for her at TVgasm!

Back at the house, Real and Hoopz sit together awkwardly. She looks like she wants to be anywhere else in the world, and he’s staring at her like, “What time do you want to give me a blowjob?” After she wanders away, Real calls Chance for some advice. I’m sure Chance is really a relationship authority. His brilliant plan is for Real to play it smart, which – wow, where would he be without that help? Chance reveals he thinks Whiteboy and Hoopz have something going on, so Real takes that as gospel. These three seconds of speculation suddenly become straight-up fact. This really reminds me how much I miss Chance in the house, except I don’t at all!

Chance also claims Whiteboy called Hoopz a whore. Well, actually he called her some expletive that’s censored out, but whore is my best guess. Chance concludes, “Every man for they self now, huh? That’s why you gotta kill.” Chance repeats these sentiments for about 13 minutes. More importantly though, let’s take a look at what’s happening in the next bedroom.

Bow chicka bow wow!

Those covers are all moving around while Real takes the call. What the shit? I know VH1 is just trying to imply these two are fucking even though they’re probably not, but still, it’s totally working on me!

Surprisingly no one dwells on that footage. Instead we cut to the next morning, where Hoopz receives the challenge call on the T-Mobile Shadow. The challenge is about being in trouble if you’re seeing double, so everyone kind of assumes they’ll have to get dizzy. Pumkin feels like she’ll do all right with that. Presumably she’s dizzy enough in her daily life, but she admits that if the challenge is physical, she’ll never pull it off. True dat.

The group drives out to a beach, and they’re greeted with a toilet as part of the challenge. If this involves people pooping in public, I’m totally sold, but I’m going to be a sad panda if it’s about puking. The spitting episode was bad enough – don’t make things worse, I Love Money!

CJ greets the contestants and announces the name of the challenge: You Booze, You Lose. I’d prefer to call it You Puke and I Turn Off the TV, but alas, that’s the challenge and so it goes! Each houseguest will spin around in a chair 20 times, and then they have to walk across a bar without knocking over any of the cups on it. For each fallen cup, they’ll get a one-second penalty. Then they’ll go back to the chair and spin again. Next, they’ll take off to a margarita bar, fill their mouths with green slush, and run to spit it all into a bowl. Finally they have to kiss random old people attending the challenge. So, wow, I just wrote all of that and still can’t quite determine what this challenge means.

We can deduce that the person with the fastest time becomes Paymaster, but wait, there’s another twist! They’ll run this whole challenge while wearing beer goggles. Most of these people are just naturally prepared for this contest, so all things considered, the twist isn’t that big of a deal.

Pumkin is up first, and for all the drinking this broad does, she doesn’t know how to handle it very well! She’s spinning and falling and plotzing all over the place, much to everyone’s delight. When she finally makes it to the margarita bar, CJ gleefully shouts, “Fill as much in your mouth as you can, and head to the toilet!” When people use the word ‘toilet’ conversationally it always makes me laugh, but let’s be honest, that whole sentence is good. Pumkin decrees this is the nastiest crap she’s ever put in her mouth, but we take a look back and…

She’s wrong.

Anyway, she doesn’t just spit the liquid out — she straight-up vomits. Everyone gags in response, and then Pumkin runs to kiss the old man while her face is covered in spittle. With penalties, she finishes in 11:01, but she should get extra deductions for being so damn gross. Real is up next and they immediately start playing sad clown music. Normally that means exactly what it says: contestant = sad clown, but he actually does well! He makes it through the bar without knocking any cups over, and all in all, he finishes in 5:30. Whiteboy has to beat this time to have a chance at being the Paymaster, and he responds appropriately.

That’s nuts!

Every time he starts to topple over, he grabs at his ballsack, which is an odd reaction. Maybe he wants to make sure it doesn’t detach, I don’t know. He knocks over a few cups, pukes into the sand, and probably jerks himself off along the way. Unfortunately all of that equals up to a finish time of 8:17, but it means he won’t be the person automatically placed in the strongbox, so he’s got that going for him.

Megan goes next, and she has advantages and disadvantages at the same time. Pros: she’s always drunk. Cons: her body is so long, there’s a whole lot to wriggle around.

Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.

I doubt she’s even that tall, her features just correspond oddly! She does well for many reasons though, including what Real praises her for: “having a deep throat.” Heh. She finishes in 5:04, which means she has a legitimate chance at being Paymaster! Now it all depends on what Hoopz can do. In true Hoopz fashion, she makes it through the whole thing quickly and kind of elegantly. She actually grins through all of it, too — even kissing the old guy! She admits she had to kiss Flav so it doesn’t get much worse, which earns her a nice point on the joke board.

Hoopz didn’t have any deductions, and that leaves her with a final score of 4:21! Hoopz is the Paymaster and Megan is a sad panda, which really seems like tradition now. Pumkin’s ridiculous time means she’s in the box by default, and with that, everyone’s sent back to the house to get drunk for reals. Real starts in on this right away, drinking with Lily Megan, and he flashes back to Chance’s infamous phone call. Chance advised Real to kill people, but since that would totally disqualify him from the 250 grand, he decides to tell Hoopz that Whiteboy is talking shit. Also, he shall molest her.

True love waits.

She gets irritated and is just like, “What the fuck are you thinking?” when he starts kissing her. Since that doesn’t go over well, he tells her Whiteboy thinks she’s a whore or some similar expletive. Hoopz doesn’t believe that, but it still makes things awkward when Whiteboy saunters by like, “Hi, friends!” Hi, traitor!

The next morning, Hoopz tells Pumkin about this dude debacle. Pumkin is so shocked, her eyes bulge right out of her head.

Shock! Awe!

Wait a sec, maybe that’s just her face. Either way, Hoopz and Pumkin discuss at length, and that’s Real’s cue to come horn in on their business. I know there’s not that many people left in the house, and everyone else hates Real so he can’t socialize with anyone, but damn – Hoopz isn’t going to marry him if he can’t get off her shit for three seconds. Real says he and Hoopz need to talk about this with Whiteboy ASAP, which will be deliciously terrible.

Once the threesome gets settled, Real asks if Whiteboy and Hoopz are boning. This makes him look batshit crazy, by the way. It doesn’t make sense to accuse Whiteboy of hating her and fucking her all at the same time, but I know, this is I Love Money so it’s not really a common sense parade. Whiteboy denies any relationship, but Real concludes that’s a lie. Sadly, Real probably thinks the only reason Hoopz isn’t marrying him is because of Whiteboy.

The conversation isn’t even interesting drama until Hoopz erupts about her name being in Whiteboy’s mouth. He denies all of that too, claiming he’s always had her back, and then he and Real have to argue about how “he ain’t never stepped to this girl” and so on. None of them trust each other and Real would kindly like some pussy, please!

Aside from this brief yellfest, no one in the house is really speaking to each other, so they all sit in silence while they wait for the vault ceremony. In confessional, Hoopz says she doesn’t understand Whiteboy. Why would he talk shit about her when she’s Paymaster, right? Of course all of this is probably moot, since he probably didn’t talk about her and no one should ever believe Chance, but at least she’s pondering a valid question.

Soon CJ hauls them into the vault, where Pumkin’s check is immediately put in the box. Then voting commences! Or it should, but the only person who participates is Pumkin. She votes for Megan and everyone else just sits uncomfortably. Luckily for all of us, they decide to have Hoopz come in and pick the nominees. I’d like to say the nominees aren’t obvious and it’s a great change of pace, but nah, she picks Whiteboy and Megan. Whiteboy is the only person shocked by this because Whiteboy is functionally retarded.

The group splits for the power outing right away. Ah, the perks of a double eviction episode – everything just keeps rolling right along! We barely even have time to mock! The housemates silently board a yacht and then silently enjoy it, at least until they have a little alcohol in them. Then shit gets wild. Megan promises Hoopz that the people who’ve protected her will continue to do so, and Pumkin thinks that’s shady as hell. Pumkin’s seeds aren’t functioning accurately, I guess. Megan points out that Pumkin sent Chance home, and the two of them fight for like 20 minutes. At least it’s a pleasant change from the silence! They pause for three seconds when the captain says they’ll be serving lunch in a minute, and then the girls get right back into things. When even lunch can’t deter Pumkin, you know this shit’s serious.

Hoopz thinks everyone’s been very strategic except for her. She concludes she’s been playing the game wrong, but um, she’s the only one winning anything. That seems to be a good move. A few minutes later it’s time for the solo date, except they’re on a boat and there’s not really anyplace for the other two to go. Whoops! Hoopz picks Whiteboy anyway and tries to flesh out all the dramaramas. She’s upset that Whiteboy was mean, but he still maintains he never said anything. He theorizes that maybe Real is just saying this shit because he’s desperately in love with Hoopz, to which the world cries, “No! Really?”

Cut to the house where Real’s preparing a date, ughhh. Give it up already! It’s not cute anymore! He remembers Hoopz once said she’d like to get married in Italy, so he puts a table in the backyard and labels it “Italy.” Charming. Okay, this would actually be really sweet if I liked Real at all, but I don’t so I will maintain that this sucks.

Venice, exactly as I remembered it.

Back on the yacht, Hoopz is now pissed that Whiteboy said she was a stranger. Apparently his proof for not calling her a whore is that they barely know each other, but this is quite anger-making. He really can’t win one way or another – either she’s a whore or a stranger, and both of those things make her unhappy. In confessional she says, “Once the rock is chipped, it’s chipped, and you can’t get it back.” Ah yes, the old chipped rock analogy.

The power outing wraps up quickly and the group returns home. Hoopz is exhausted, so that’s all the more incentive for Real to be a perv. She’s talking about how tired she is, and he’s like, “Get in the shower for me, okay?” Surprisingly she goes along with it, even though you can tell she thinks she’ll get raped.

Luckily there’s no rape, just Italy! He tells her to “have a seat, big butt,” which is super endearing. She doesn’t even react to that, and instead just tells him she doesn’t know what to do at the elimination ceremony. Real is such a jerk that he’s like, “It’s all good, Whiteboy’s out of here” and just decides for her. Knowing him, he probably thinks he’s helping her out. He concludes, “Oh yeah, he’s gone now” and she stares kind of vacantly. To give him some credit, he at least apologizes for putting Hoopz in the middle of all this chaos. It’s vaguely romantic but he does it while is mouth is stuffed with bread, so take that however you’d like.

Sexy.

Once inside the house, Megan asks Hoopz what she’s worried about. For Megan, this is all such an obvious choice – send Pumkin home and leave Megan in the house, yay! She actually assumes she’s staying by default, talking about how tomorrow will be fun and they’ve got nothing to worry about. Hoopz does not bite, so Megan’s like, “What about when we were on the pole?” I love her because she thinks one day’s immunity applies for life. Megan wins!

We cut to Whiteboy and Hoopz talking next. This girl is goddamn everywhere, she’s like mold. He asks if there’s anything she wants to talk about before elimination, but alas, she does not! That’s his cue to lie down in defeat, and Hoopz busies herself with getting ready for the ceremony. Elimination is a huge deal tonight, you see? You can tell because Megan opts not to wear a bikini for the ceremony! She’s wearing a dress, which is all kinds of odd for her. This may be the first time we’ve seen her in clothing all season, aside from the competition outfits.

At least we still get to see her boob.

As the bottom three line up, Pumkin isn’t terribly concerned about going home. After all, she and Hoopz have been friends since Flavor of Love, which is like 120 times longer than Brandi and Megan’s love affair. You know that means something! Similarly, Megan thinks she’ll stick around. Whiteboy thinks he never called Hoopz a whore, and that’s about all he can come up with. These three could talk in circles all day, but luckily Hoopz cuts to the chase.

She says the first person to get her check is a threat, which means…neither Pumkin nor Megan? Somehow Megan gets it anyway though, which means my girl’s on her way to the final four! She celebrates briefly and then Whiteboy is called up next. Of course that doesn’t mean anything, although Whiteboy talks in confessional about how he’s totally going home. That usually means he’s staying, but we get a commercial break and a lot of twangy guitar before we can find out anything else. That’s always so irritating – we’re watching I Love Money, not American Idol!

We come back to Hoopz explaining how much Whiteboy hurt her. She thought they were close and he’s a strong competitor, so he’s staying! Because that makes so much sense! Hoopz passed Logic 101! Pumkin’s picked and peace outs are in order. Hoopz says the only reason Pumkin’s going home is because she sent Chance home, but it’s not revenge. It’s just vengeance! Totes different.

With all that said, we’re down to the final four! Either Megan, Hoopz, Whiteboy or Real will be going home with $250,000 in the next competition episode. Before that, however, there’s the super arduous clip show. That means there’s no recap next week, but don’t worry. The final show features an ambulance, and you know what that means? We all win in the end!