I Love Money: The Whiner Takes It All

This week on I Love Money, the episode is as long as Midget Mac’s wang! Which is ironic, to say the least.

We open to everyone dawdling around the house. There aren’t too many people to fight with anymore, so Megan has no choice but to sit around and think about her bathing suits. She’s down to her last one, you see! I know, you might wonder why she couldn’t just do a load of laundry, but Mexico don’t need no stinkin’ washings. Real and Whiteboy don’t have much to do either. They’re not speaking, and dudes, it’s been so long since this show aired that I was like, “Wait, okay, so what is the issue here?” Oh right, Whiteboy may or may not want to bone Real’s non-fiancee. Got it!

Everyone settles in the living room to sit silently. This would be a good time for a phone call on a T-Mobile Shadow, am I right? Sure enough, it comes through real quick! CJ advises the contestants to wear athletic gear and tennis shoes for today’s challenge. He might as well just announce, “We’re sending Megan home!” because lo, that’s probably what this implies. She makes a good effort and gets ready with the rest of the houseguests anyway, all while Whiteboy sings about how this will be physical and there will be sports! Whiteboy thinks they’re going back to second grade PE.

They get to the challenge site, where they’re met with this.

Megan’s bedroom set?

She describes those beams as being “300 feet above the air,” which, totally. Took the words right out of my mouth. She also addresses “scary waters” which were similarly on my mind. CJ greets the contestants and tells them that since there are only four people left, there won’t be a vault today. Whoever wins the challenge is the Paymaster, then there will be a Power Dinner, and someone will be sent home. Easy enough!

The challenge is called Krazy Toss, which I immediately hoped was related to Krazy from Flavor of Love and Charm School, but you never know with these shows – it could just be shitty spelling. Luckily enough, it is Krazy-adjacent! The challenge is less dangerous than you’d hope, however. Each contestant has to grab a Krazy doll, run up a ramp and throw it over a balcony to hit a target, then run back. The only interesting element is that the ramp is suspended. In Whiteboy’s words, they’re “6,955 feet above air,” which is pretty close to Megan’s estimate. I’d say they’re both right.

Megan gets selected first, which means Fail Whale! She gets locked into her harness, and CJ says to give him a thumbs up if she’s ready to go. And then he says it again when she ignores him, and…then he says it again. This goes on for probably 35 minutes, so finally CJ threatens disqualification if she doesn’t fucking give a thumbs up. Then it takes her forever to pick up the damn doll, and oh, it’s all just ridiculous. She makes a lot of sex noises though, so there’s that. Then she steps off the platform and…

Fail Whale indeed.

The fall actually made me gasp, which is odd since I always hope someone will die in a crazy challenge. Not in a Krazy challenge, though! CJ’s one instruction is not to drop the Krazy doll, but of course Megan does. The doll is immediately impaled and Megan’s disqualified! In confessional she tells us it’s the worst day of her life, which…doesn’t shock me, I suppose.

Hoopz goes next but claims she’s afraid of heights. Hoopz probably states faux fears before any challenge she rocks though, so it’s not super important. She grabs the doll instantly and pitches it over the balcony, but then she just stands there. Stands and smiles. Smiles and stands. Everyone has to inform her that it’s a timed event, hint hint, before she realizes that running back to the platform might be in her favor. Also on her list of fears: time.

She clocks in at 23 seconds, and when it’s Real’s turn, it takes him about that long to pick up the freaking doll. He shuffles across the platform anyway, and hey, it turns out the whole thing takes him 28 seconds. Hoopz has a shot, baby! I have to root for her since Megan’s a lost cause now and I hate everyone else. Real is saddened by this development and also by his time. Another disappointment: the development of his balls rubbing together during the challenge. That makes me have certain feelings too, but they’re neither sad nor sexy.

It’s all down to Whiteboy now! Megan doesn’t think he can pull it off, which probably means he does. It’s been 13 weeks, VH1; I’m onto your editing. He seriously races through the challenge so quickly that there’s nothing to say about it, other than that he finishes in 16 seconds. Whiteboy’s Paymaster! Hopefully that means Real’s out! Whiteboy is elated as the challenge comes to a close, yammering on about the money on his mind and how he’s peeping everything. That’s dirty, he shouldn’t talk about his urine in public.

Back at the house, Megan is a sad panda. Real sits down and asks if she thinks she’s going home, which she does. He tries to make her feel better by promising that it’ll probably be him. It’s weird though – they have an actual conversation, like actual normal people. Like nice people! Megan talks in a baby voice for most of it, like Paris Hilton, but feh, you take what you can get.

The Power Dinner is served quickly, and Whiteboy acts like he’s the first person that’s ever been Paymaster. He runs his mouth about how he’s here for one night only, and he just doesn’t give a damn, he’s going to void someone’s check! You know, because we haven’t seen that for three months, right? Thanks for the insight.

He’s gonna show this glass! He’s gonna drink from it!

The three nominees are all very quiet around the table, which Whiteboy can’t fathom. Why are they not lauding him with praise on his most excellent existence!

That goes over well.

Seriously, when even Lily Megan is looking at you like you’re retarded, shit’s gone wrong. It should be noted, Whiteboy is sitting at the head of the table and speaking to everyone like they’re his servants. He encourages them to eat, drink, be merry! Have some cake and eat it too. Real remarks that he looks like Tony Montana, which totally went over my head at first. I decided he meant Joe Montana, natch.

They’re served food no one enjoys, like broccoli soup, which means we’re treated to a montage of people swallowing loudly and trying not to gag. Just what I was hoping for! At least Whiteboy says “broccoli soup” ridiculously. It’s like he pronounces every syllable and then some. Remember that old commercial for that terrible Mike Myers and Gwyneth Paltrow movie about the flight attendants, and he spoke about putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable? It’s kind of like that, but well, not really warranting an entire paragraph.

Since no one will speak up and everyone’s just getting toasted (RIP Toastee), Whiteboy asks Real why he should be kept around. Better yet, he clarifies, who would Real have sent home after the Hoopz altercation? Real insists it wasn’t an altercation, but you know that’s the quickest way to start a fight – tell someone they’re wrong about their drama definition. They get into a big argument, of course. It’s dull until Megan totally fucking turns on Real after that nice conversation they had earlier. She is so awful! I totally love her.

She tells Whiteboy that Real didn’t think Whiteboy would stay loyal, when in fact that didn’t really happen so much. He said he was going home, sure, but not all of those words! Real is understandably pissed, requesting that Megan doesn’t lie on him, dawg. I always request that too. Hoopz interjects to save her fiancee’s ass, bringing up this one time when Hoopz asked Megan who she’d get rid of if she were Paymaster. Megan said Whiteboy, and she backs that up by being like, “Well, yeah, he was mad at me! He was ignoring me!” That justifies it, duh! Whiteboy is pissed off but suddenly he takes his aggression out on Hoopz, since she should’ve made this drama known earlier. Yes, that’s a totally frigging dumb way to take this argument but we’ll go with it! Everyone yells and things have the potential to get interesting, but by this point, Whiteboy is so drunk he can’t really speak. He just curses and rambles like Flavor Flav. Cue sad clown music!

My thoughts exactly.

He drunkenly tells Megan to shut up, so they go back and forth over who should shut up and then who should fuck themselves. Sadly, every word Megan says makes it more likely she’ll go home. Whiteboy tells her he’s Paymaster (OMG, really?!) and then leaves the table, like that settles everything. He’s Paymaster, bitches! Master of the Pay! Megan retreats upstairs, too, where Lily Megan consoles her.

Smells like team spirit.

Real settles down on a balcony, where he can curse and spit freely. He babbles about how he’s going to fucking win this thing, and something about how these people don’t know the codes of the streets. Does that mean he’s going to kill them? Because I would totally watch that faster than I’d watch Daisy of Love, VH1′s latest Rock of Love spinoff. (PS: I will totally watch Daisy of Love.)

Soon it’s time for the elimination ceremony, and Whiteboy joins CJ with a drink in hand. I am shocked! Also shocking: Megan’s in a bathing suit and the dog’s mentally challenged. As things start up, truly anyone could go home here. Hoopz is the smartest person to eliminate strategically, Real should be eliminated for annoyance’s sake, and Megan should be eliminated so she can wash her smelly bathing suits. The ceremony begins with CJ holding up four fingers and bringing down one of them, showing how four will become three. Whiteboy has to ask for clarification about six times. Ughhhh, maths are so challenging.

CJ reminds everyone that they’re all so close to a quarter of a million dollars, but hey, one person will lose it all tonight! Ain’t that great. He asks each person what it would mean if they blew all this money. Hoopz would never be able to live with herself, especially since she could’ve won if she’d just understood the rules of today’s challenge. Real would stab Whiteboy in the face, and Megan would continue hanging out at clubs and getting paid to promote them on Myspace. So, no big. She says if she ever spoke badly about Whiteboy, it wasn’t because she wanted him to go home; it’s just that she’s nasty. Actually, she claims she wanted him to be around even more, but of course that makes no sense.

Nevertheless it’s time to hand out a check, and Whiteboy calls Real up first! If anything, it seemed like the elimination was between Real and Megan! Whiteboy explains that from day one, he was with Real, Chance, and Hoopz. They had a sexy foursome but suddenly it seemed to just be Real and Hoopz, and if it wasn’t for Megan, Whiteboy would be gone right now. That means he’s keeping Megan and voiding Real’s check! Holy shit, this is the biggest fakeout ever! Not even in the history of this show – just ever! I totally retract anything I said about Whiteboy being ridiculous with all his Paymaster power. That power is deserved, man.

Megan thinks she’s having alcohol-induced hallucinations, so she doesn’t quite understand that she’s staying. Real and Whiteboy argue long and loud enough that it probably brings it all home though. Real bellows that Hoopz is the only real person in the house, and she’s super interested in that statement.

Zzzz.

As his closing thesis, Real guarantees he’ll kill Whiteboy. All that’s pretty much expected though. The big shock is when CJ says it would be a shame to send Real home after all this, so instead, he’ll have Real take a seat on the side. By the way, I’m foaming at the mouth. If this fucker isn’t out of here, I’m going to show up at his house unhappily.

CJ tells Whiteboy his time as Paymaster is over, so he has to join the nominees. Then he announces that Real is a member of the jury, what the hell! This is not Big Brother! Still though, Real will be one of the people deciding who moves on to the final competition, and I bet I have an inkling who he’ll pick – Hoopz and Megan, a-durr. A jury necessitates more than one person though, so he’s got some companions. Out come the last few evictees! Hi Pumkin, Toastee, The Entertainer, Heather and 12 Pack! Heather looks so awfully, awfully bad that it is gasp-worthy.

Pumkin got some work done.

Two people will move onto the finals, and one will be eliminated ASAP. Hoopz will make it through, obviously, but Whiteboy and Megan are equally hated! CJ asks the jury how they feel about the final three. 12 Pack thinks one person weaseled their way in (wonder who!), and The Entertainer thinks he has a boner looking at Megan. When CJ asks Megan how she reacts to all those statements, we’re treated to a nice montage of everything shitty she’s ever done. It goes back for years! After a couple of minutes of clips, for real, Megan raises her hand and quits the game. What the fuck! Who’s been rooting for you the whole time, Megan?! Me!

Toastee: unimpressed.

Side note: How long has Toastee been baking, seriously? She got ethnic since we last saw her! Anyway, Megan frigging quits and defeats the whole purpose of the jury. CJ asks why she would do this, and she fakes some excuse about how she’s sooo happy with either Hoopz or Whiteboy winning the money. Toastee points out that Megan just doesn’t want to hear mean things about her in the jury ceremony, although let’s be honest – Megan must hear mean things on a daily basis, right? She basically echoes Toastee’s sentiment though, saying no one will decide her fate. So hey, she’s done! Screw this show! For some reason I’m taking this personally, like I want to call her and explain that we’ve been in this so long – how dare she screw up our recaps!

Whatever, though. She quits and the jury is stoked! Now Hoopz and Whiteboy are the final two. They say goodbye to the jury, with Real telling Hoopz to “Kick ass, Nikki.” She’s the only girl whose real name I’ve never heard, so hey, I learned something tonight. As Real finally leaves, he says winning Hoopz was a prize worth more than $250,000. Hope no one bursts his bubble by reminding him that he and Hoopz are not engaged.

The next morning, Hoopz points out that she and Whiteboy were the original team captains. Now they’re the last ones standing, funny how that works! They’re both very sentimental about everyone being gone, especially Whiteboy. He runs through the list of everyone who’s left, but it’s pretty obvious they spliced in some of the names. Who even remembers Nibblz being in there, anyway?

They get one last T-Mobile Shadow phone call, which is super sad panda. CJ congratulates them on making it so far, but his message really doesn’t explain anything about the challenge. That means the contestants have to sit and stew until it’s time to go. Fortunately, they’re both pretty good at that. We get some footage of them pondering, putting on their socks, etc. Truly fascinating.

They pile into the van and drive to a plaza for their challenge, located where they did the lame eating game. The final round is called The Dash for the Cash. They’ll start off in the town square and run to different locations, where they’ll have to complete challenges. Ultimately they’ll finish back at the house, which seems kind of hilarious. If they had to drive all the way over here, it sounds like the house is far away. Awesome!

The first part of the challenge is begging for money, at which Megan would’ve excelled. They’ll have to collect 100 pesos through any means but stealing, which is super classy! I love that CJ needs to include that as a rule. Also, I feel like this challenge is calling for some serious racism. Soon Whiteboy and Hoopz will be like, “Mexicans are too poor, those assholes won’t give anything up!” Love it. After the money is procured, they have to hail a cab and travel to another location. There they’ll find the second leg of the cash dash. The first person to finish the game wins the whole shebang!

CJ blows a horn and the contestants take off running. Hoopz immediately starts asking for 100 pesos, not even spare change, which seems wonderfully ballsy. That is, until you do the conversion and find out she’s asking for about $8. Feh. Whiteboy asks a little family who doesn’t care, but he can speak Spanish so he’s got a total advantage. He finally begs a couple for money, but the dude says no. The lady totally calls him out though, asking why he’s lying and then calling him an expletive! This dame should have her own show.

Hacienda of Love.

The woman requests a kiss for the money, which means she’s totally VH1 material. Upon receipt, Whiteboy takes off for his cab and abandons Hoopz, who still can’t come up with uno centavo. (Take that, Spanish teacher who always called me the wrong name. FYI, my real name is the same as a Rock of Love girl’s, such are the luxuries of my life.) She gathers some change here or there, but she finally strikes a deal when some guy asks to buy her bellybutton ring. By the way – ew. Seriously, ew. He bargains for it oddly, offering her $100, then $50, and then $20. You can’t really offer a new amount once someone accepts the old one, but oh well. Do as the Mexicans do! He strikes a weird pose and then thrusts $100 at her, so okay! Hoopz moves onto the next round!

Groove with me, baby.

Literally the second Hoopz plops into the taxi, cars collide and everything stops. Seriously, traffic is just done. All the cars have to back up and allow ambulances to clear. She requests a side street and then the cab almost backs into a bus, so it’s like God is saying, “Forget the money. Race for your life, bitch!” They finally pull off to a shortcut, but by this point, Whiteboy is at the next destination.

He’s on top of a hilly cliff type thing (technical term), and he has to run down the hill to the next checkpoint. It’s like a natural obstacle course. Shit’s just everywhere but he takes off running anyway. Death be damned! Back in the taxi, Hoopz is racing death, too. She’s also having an orgasm.

There! Right there!

She finally makes it to the cliff and races down the course. Hilariously, she talks in confessional about how she’s hoping Whiteboy hurt himself on the run. Maybe he broke some limbs and she can pull ahead! Thatta girl, Hoopz. Unfortunately he made it to the beach in one piece, although he seems stumped by the concept of sand. He plods through to the next challenge, where he has to roll a big coin through a sand “doom.” Please believe me when I promise he used this term, it’s not just me being deaf this time! He starts dooming along very slowly, giving Hoopz a chance to catch up. She’s basically on his tail, so he stops and stares at her, naturally. Wouldn’t you? Also, VH1 throws us this bone:

Don’t tell us what to do, maaaan.

God, I love mistakes. Hoopz doesn’t focus on this though, instead rolling her coin after Whiteboy. He makes it across the finish line about when she takes off, and he hops into a boat that’ll take him to the final destination. She has no choice but to force herself through the challenge as quickly as possible, boarding the boat shortly after.

The next checkpoint is in the middle of the ocean, where the contestants have to jump off the boat and swim back to their house. So awesome! I hope they have to save Midget Mac along the way, too. Whiteboy makes it back without mark, and you know, there’s only six minutes left in this show. If we seriously don’t get the winner tonight and have to wait until next week’s reunion, lo, I will be pissed. He gets to the house’s private beach and runs up a couple hundred steps to the mansion. Hoopz is behind him, of course, but it’s hard to say how far back she is.

Whiteboy stumbles into the backyard, where there’s one more challenge. He has to hang pictures of the cast in the order they were eliminated, which really seems like a softball pitch. They just saw the seven most recent contestants last night, and there’s only a few other people to piece in there. Whiteboy also sees the ease in this.

Jinx, buy me a Coke!

No, unsurprisingly, Whiteboy has no freaking clue what’s going on. He knows Midget Mac went home first, followed by Nibblz, but that’s about it. By the time he scores those two, Hoopz is on land. He lists Heat as number three and Destiney as number four, which is wrong. Then he picks Mr. Boston, who is also wrong, then Chance. Then he doesn’t know what to do! Thinking’s hard, y’all. He announces, “My recreational habits are not helping me whatsoever.” They’re not, but Hoopz’s hobby of busting tail helps her out pretty well.

She makes it to the challenge and immediately starts laying pictures down. The weird thing is, they can both see each other’s choices so they can more or less cheat off one another. Whiteboy peeps everything she’s doing, but he still has mistakes. Hoopz turns hers in and she’s got ‘em all right! With literally zero fanfare, Hoopz wins! She doesn’t believe this for a really long time, screeching about how this is wrong and then crying into CJ’s shirt, but she totally wins!

The proof’s in the picture!

Whiteboy says he’s not a sore loser, and if anyone had to win other than him, he’s glad it’s Hoopz. Still, he’s going to stab her tonight so…keep an eye out. CJ asks Hoopz what she’ll do with the money, and she’s legitimately so cute – she wants to provide for her family, not blow the money on boobs and tattoos, and that is so sweet and awesome. Of all the people on this show, she really seems like the most decent, so good for her! Money deserved! Whiteboy concludes that Hoopz has a memory like a freaking eagle. I think that says it all.

With that, we’re just about through! Don’t check out yet, though. We’ve still got the reunion and you know that’s the best part of the whole season! Those bitches will go all out – anything to get you to watch Charm School directly after. All that aside, do you think the right person won I Love Money? Were you glad to see the former contestants, specifically Toastee, return? Leave your thoughts!