I Love Money: Take a Chance on Me

We’re back for another week of I Love Money! I love this show for so very many reasons, but one of the main reasons is that it feels never-ending in a totally good way. These are the reality TV all-stars, they don’t have to give us any of their time! But we’ve got them for about seven more weeks and I could not be more stoked. More I Love Money! More tatas for one and for all!

We open to Rodeo cackling for no real reason, although really, does she need one? I think not. Almost the whole cast is randomly hyucking it up together, and Whiteboy randomly tells Pumkin she doesn’t have to worry about anything because he’ll take care of her. I feel like this is not the smartest way to make an alliance, but it’s probably not an issue since I Love Money alliances last for about 14 minutes altogether.

Back in his bedroom, The Entertainer mourns Destiney. He thinks everyone was jealous of her beauty, seemingly not realizing how much money these broads have spent to be prettier than Destiney. They are not fazed! 12 Pack is really interested in the conversation.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

The Entertainer says the smell of the sheets makes him miss his girl. There’s nothing like the scent of sweat and splooge to get you all emotional! 12 Pack explains the reasoning behind Toastee’s decision as Paymaster, but The Entertainer decides she was just brainwashed, which is a perfectly reasonable conclusion. I mean, why not, you know? They conclude Whiteboy needs to be sent home next, after some kind of talk about how they don’t want to make strategic moves. I agree! More likely than not, the biggest mongoloid in the house will win this whole game.

The next day, Megan walks through the house hotly, boobs a-bouncing. She talks in confessional about how the women in the house are afraid to go against the Stallionaires, since they think whoever breaks their trust will be the next one sent home. For this reason, she ropes Brandi into proposing an alliance to Toastee. It would be Megan, Brandi, Toastee and Pumkin, henceforth known as The Brokedowns. Toastee is intrigued, even when Megan says, “So then we’ll make sure that we four always are the strongest… one thing for us four.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m like 99% sure it doesn’t mean what she thinks it does.

Toastee leaves to present the idea to Pumkin, and the Gourd is impressed! She thinks the alliance sounds kinky, although aside from Megan, these women are probably about as unattractive as you could get. Toastee suggests the other half of The Brokedowns is performing mind tricks, which sounds sort of ambitious. They agree to let Megan and Brandi cling onto them anyway, since it’s always good to have someone to use.

The old T-Mobile phone howls at the houseguests, so everyone gathers ’round to listen. You’d think after six weeks they’d realize they’re really just receiving a voicemail, not a live person, but Toastee still speaks into the phone as though it will truly answer back. Similarly, Rodeo tries to spin the numbers around to make a call. In the message, CJ instructs the contestants to choose a new Paymaster, and also to wear their uniform and a swimsuit to the competition. The Gourd is prepared.

Locked and loaded!

Brandi decides to be captain since the last time a girl was captain, the team won. Since that was over a month ago, no one can remember so they opt not to argue with her. She theorizes that they have to win the challenge, so she’ll just have to be the captain! The only catch is, this challenge sounds physical and Brandi is physically challenged. Awkward. Real says, “If you’re willing to die in that water, I’m willing to die myself to win.” Brandi giggles, then cries.

On the Gold Team, Pumkin volunteers to be the Paymaster. They put it to a vote and then it’s final! Hoopz feels good about this decision. She and Pumkin have been friends since before this show, so she’s comfortable with the Gourd in the position and also glad to get some more screen time. That puts her at four whole minutes now! 12 Pack goes around the room and gives everyone an unenthusiastic high five, which makes me feel really confident in their choice. Yayyy.

Everyone heads to the beach for the challenge, and Whiteboy is particularly revved for the competition. The Green Team only has five players while the Goldies have seven, but he’s sure the Greens can prevail! He’s also most likely incorrect. When the cast unloads from their vans, the beach is littered with lifejackets and stretchers, so they assume they’re helping the Survivor production crew prepare for the next rousing season. Once they look to the water, however, they see a bunch of tiny bodies floating along. Children died here today! That’s encouraging!

The challenge is called Save the Mac, which means all the children are actually just midget reincarnations! Classy. We flash back to the first of many times when Midget Mac was incompetent at something, like swimming. Buddha jumped in to save him and oh, it was a delightful part of I Love New York history. That’s what the cast will be reenacting today! They’ll swim out to rescue dummies, and the team that brings the bodies to shore quickest wins. The Gourd doesn’t want to save Midget Mac since he was so stank in the I Love Money house, but once everyone explains that they’ll be saving dolls and not the real Mac, she’s okay with it. She’s a fast learner.

Once Mac’s head reaches a certain line on the beach, the non-rescuing team members can run over to grab him, place him on a stretcher, and bring him back up to their camp. It should be noted that while CJ explains all these rules, they splice in sound clips from Midget Mac that are just like, “Mac’s ’bout to drizzle! Can I get a beer?” Just drink some of the ocean water and shut your pie hole, little person.

Before they can start playing, the Goldies have to choose two people to sit out. Hoopz has to participate since she sat out last time, so it’s between the other broads, for the most part. Rodeo volunteers to step down, and the other obvious choice here is Toastee. I mean, right? It’s Toastee! So for that reason, Pumkin chooses The Entertainer. I totally see the logic here. Why let one of the biggest guys compete? Bring in the smallest, most useless girl! Yay, logic! The Gourd also adds that she’s on a swim team, so she can totally win this. Yeah. She’s got that swimmer’s physique.

The teams gather to strategize, and Whiteboy takes over for the Greens since Brandi is…well, Brandi.

Can we rescue some frozen yogurt instead of midgets?

Two of the five team members can team up to rescue a dwarf, so they choose Real and Brandi, who together will be the ultimate in mediocrity. On the Gold Team, Pumkin and Toastee pair up for a midget that’s trapped underwater. With all those decisions made, it’s time to start saving lives! 12 Pack is the first swimmer for the Golds in a sleek, scary Speedo, while Chance steps up for the Greens. He’s wearing his do-rag and a life vest to help him in the water, so I really have confidence in his swimming skills. Good thing they put him up first!

Both guys take off running for the water, where Chance immediately starts dogpaddling. 12 Pack looks like Michael Phelps in comparison. He swims out to the furthest midget, while Chance goes for one that’s closer, natch. Thanks to this, he gets to shore faster, making it the first time the Greens have been in the lead for anything ever. That lasts for about six seconds before 12 Pack is in. Heather and Megan take off for their respective teams, which makes Real stutter like a black Michael Scott over how lovely Megan is. It’s been six weeks and they’ve never seen her in a bathing suit before, right? She never wears a bikini.

Megan makes it back first, only because one of Heather’s tatters breaks free and she has to restrain it. The Entertainer helpfully shouts, “Don’t worry about your boobs, everyone’s seen ‘em.” True and fucking awesome, by the way! Pumkin and Toastee head out to compete against Whiteboy, but the girls are already out of breath by the time they reach the water. This shocks me. Luckily Pumkin’s got those great swimming skills!

Toastee has to duck underwater to unlatch the submerged midget, which proves more difficult than she’d imagined. She turns to Pumkin for help, and in the Gourd’s own words, “Hell no! I’m not swimming deep with all them damn sharks fucking under that water! You’re gonna have to do it yourself, Toastee.” In her defense, you don’t learn how to put your head underwater until the third or fourth swim lesson. She can’t help it! Whiteboy grabs his Mac before The Brokedowns, but they manage to unhook him and drag the midget back first. Unfortunately the body is a little soggy from all that time underwater, so as they try to load him onto the stretcher, the head falls off. This happens to Midget Mac all the time though, so no one is too worried.

Mangled midget on the loose!

Whiteboy gets his midget across the line, so Real and Brandi are free to head out. As the Golds continue to fuck with their sad dwarf, we hear a soundbyte from Mac that says, “I ain’t puttin’ on no panties!” Relevant and good to know. That’s Hoopz’s cue to make a break for the water. Whoever comes in next is the winner! Logic says it should be Real and Brandi, but apparently Hoopz is like an Olympic swimmer. Girl swims out, grabs the midget and pulls him in even before Real and Brandi find their dwarf.

12 Pack says, “There’s no way this Green Team’s catching us. We got this thing in the bag.” It should be noted, however, that before the commercial break they edited him into saying, “Green Team’s catching us. They got this thing in the bag.” Talk about sloppy work, VH1! I’m onto you! Shock of all shocks, the Gold Team wins and 12 Pack was right – although he would’ve been right either way, when you think about it.

The Greens will go to the vault tomorrow, but Whiteboy isn’t worried. His alliance with the Stallionaires is untouchable, he sayeth, so Brandi or Megan will have to go. The weird thing is, Megan actually did the best in this challenge when you break it down. I think Whiteboy’s just being blondeist.

Back at the house that night, Megan takes Pumkin aside to talk strategy. Sad clown music starts playing, so you know they’re going to discuss some real rocket science here. Megan asks if Pumkin will send a guy home if it comes down to Megan, Brandi, and a guy in the box. The Gourd is baffled by the idea that Megan and Brandi will be selected. I mean, it’s not obvious at all! The Gourd agrees it would be smart to eliminate one of the guys, but she has to “think of, like, repercussions, like….” Oh, all right. Pumkin confirms Megan is a conniving bitch (lies!) but still thinks it might be better to eliminate one of the guys. Yes, do it! Keep Megan! Screw Livestrong, it’s Meganstrong!

Do it for Lily Megan’s sake!

We cut to the next morning with Brandi eating some yogurt, which I guess is the same spoon Lily Megan is eating from, which is motherfucking gross. Brandi weeps about how the eliminations are sooo hard, even though it’s just the same thing for her every week. She’s always in the bottom three, she always stays. The end!

The Greens head to the vault and must choose three people for the strongbox, as usual. Brandi asks which one of the guys feels comfortable enough to go in the box, and Whiteboy says he surely does not. The guys attempt to distract the blondes by voting them into the box, accomplishing a whole lot, and then Megan says the girls choose Chance to join them. I would love to see Chance go home, so I fully endorse this! He agrees since most of the Gold Team loves him and he’ll obviously get to stay over Megan. If you say so!

Pumkin gets to take the bottom three on a power outing, and they’re told to dress for a spa day. Fancy! Back at the house, the losers get ready while 12 Pack and The Entertainer discuss the happenings of the day. These two could be Weekend Update anchors, they’ve got so much going on in those noggins. 12 Pack concludes Pumkin would never get rid of Chance. It might be a different story if Whiteboy were in the box, but he’s not, so obviously Megan will be going home. I cannot continue to document their conversation due to the tears in my eyes.

Pumkin talks to Toastee about eliminations, saying it doesn’t matter anyway since they’ll just be picked off no matter what. Oh, positive Pumkin. Toastee thinks they’ll have a better chance of sticking around if they get rid of a guy. In the end, the conversation is moot because it’s time for the power outing and Pumkin’s going to do what she wants anyway. Hoorah! They settle in for their massages, or “massex” as the massage lady seems to say. Pumkin describes the scene by saying there’s four senoritas there to massage them, which is kind of offensive. They’re just ladies, not like, stereotypical Spanish broads. They’re not singing the Chiquita Banana song or wearing fruit hats. Pumkin is probably not a racist, just a fucking moron.

Chance refuses his massage, saying he didn’t know there was this much tension when you’re involved with the box. I guess that’s why they’re giving massages though, huh? Just a hunch. The girls get their tramp stamps rubbed down, and then the group moves on to lunch. Pumkin asks if Chance is okay since he’s being so quiet, and he responds by being as rude as he possibly can, since that’s a good way to make sure you stay in the competition. The Gourd is impressed.

Does something smell weird, or is it just you?

Pumkin asks Brandi why she should stick around for yet another week. Brandi gives the standard answer, that she is a weak little duckling. For anyone else, it would probably be degrading to say this every single round, but Brandi seems pleased enough. All things considered, how much more mortified could Brandi ever be, you know? Her life is already pathetic, so she wins! When it’s Megan’s turn, she defends herself by saying it’s important to keep people who will look out for you, not turn on you any chance they get. This would be a good opportunity for Chance to say he’d never do that kind of thing, but he just smirks and stares. Then he gets into a fight with Megan, but they both kind of slur so I don’t know what happens.

Megan asks Pumkin if they can go talk by themselves so Chance doesn’t interrupt them. She keeps tapping her fork against her temple while she speaks, which seems kind of nasty. I’m sure Megan is the pinnacle of cleanliness and all, but still. Chance yells at her to just put all her eggs on the table, which is exactly how the saying goes. Later, she puts all her cards in one basket. Pumkin finally interrupts the whole debacle by choosing a person for the twee solo date, and she chooses Megan. Kinky! Megan gives some decent reasons as to why Pumkin should eliminate Chance, so Pumkin wisely spins it back to get a favor from Megan.

Megan declares she will absolutely be the team captain for the next challenge, just by default since everyone else has already done it. She says she’ll watch out for Pumkin as Paymaster, and then she mumbles something about how they’ll throw the next challenge. Honestly, the Green Team losing is pretty much a guarantee, so it’s safe to say Megan will keep her word. Pumkin is intrigued.

Thanks to that massage, she’s also really well rested.

They decide that if Pumkin gets rid of Chance, then Megan will keep Pumkin safe and/or throw the challenge. The sad thing is that if there’s anyone who can ruin this foolproof plan, it’s these fools.

The group returns to the house, and Chance tells Whiteboy he’s worried about elimination. The Gold Team is worried, too, since Pumkin wanted to speak to Megan and no one ever really wants to speak to Megan. Hoopz decrees, “If any one of you three, I swear to God, especially over them two bitches, gets took out it’s a wrap.” Hoopz seems so intelligent until she speaks, dude. Whiteboy says if Pumkin eliminates Chance, it’s time to go smash some pumpkins! Haaaa. Hilarious.

It’s time for elimination! One of my favorite things about eviction nights is how the casts tend to dress up. You see that all the time on Big Brother — those clowns are taped 24/7 and always look like shit, but it’s like they don’t realize they’re being filmed until elimination night. Then everyone’s dressed to the nines. Sure enough, Pumkin follows suit! Sadly, Megan didn’t quite get the memo.

But she did bring her melons to the feast.

Megan is scared she’s going home, while Chance and Brandi are both completely sure they’re staying. The rest of the house agrees, even the ol’ Halloween Pumkin. She starts the ceremony by saying this first person has been flying under the radar, and that’s Brandi. Wait, really? Flying under the radar, really? She’s half retarded, there’s no radar involved at all. No matter, it’s down to Megan and Chance.

Pumkin calls Megan up first, so Chance knows he’s staying. Of course he’s staying! Except that’s a fucking twist, man. It has to be a twist, that’s how these shows roll! Pumkin tells Megan she hates her, which is backed up by a clip from the premiere, when Pumkin shared her desire for a boob job and Megan said, “Saggy boobs suck.” At least I think that’s what she meant, but I swear to shit she said, “Saggy boob sock.” Which makes sense, too, if you think about it. Her saggy boobs look like a sock? Right? Whatever, it’s just Megan, and even though Pumkin hates her, she decides to keep her around! Chance is gone!

Hoopz cries, “What? What did she say?” She said ya dreams are crushed, ho! I dislike Chance immensely so I am not sad at all. He feels differently, however. He tells Pumkin to shut her ass up, and they get into a fight that’s like, “I can do whatever I want!” In confessional, she brags that she eliminated him all on her own, just “blonde ass Pumkin.” Then Real gets up to scream in her face and suddenly Pumkin is not so proud. Go figure! Even though Real screams about how this isn’t a game, this is real life, Chance leaves with his head held high. He runs his mouth about how Pumkin’s gonna get aten alive, aten alive, aten alive though. Maybe if she puts all her eggs on the table, the cast will eat those first.

Next week, the girls hate Megan and that makes it hard for me to live. Also, The Entertainer is really composed and peaceful, as per usual. His pleasant demeanor kind of irks me.

Why so serious?