I Love Money: Crocodile Tears

***Letter From the Editor:ChickBomb’s real life has taken over and become too busy, so please give a warm round of applause to your new I Love Money recapper, BaileyQuarters!!

Greetings, Gasmii! Faithful readers of the I Love Money recaps know this is ChickBomb’s territory, but since she needed to take a break for a bit, I’ll be filling in! I know I have some big shoes to fill, but hopefully we’ll all get along. Considering I sadly view I Love Money as the reality TV jackpot, I think this’ll go just fine!

We start off with sweet memories of Mr. Boston being sent home last week, painting the walls with boogers on his way out. I’m born and raised in New York so genetically I’m predisposed to disliking Bostonians, but what the fuck, how has Mr. Boston made it this far in his life. I’m delighted I do not have to recap him!

After eliminations, Toastee explains that Destiney should’ve gone home since she’s with The Entertainer, and no one likes either of them. Fair enough! Everyone may hate them, but 12 Pack is hated just a little more for botching their elimination plans. He will have to console himself in Heather’s bosoms.

Hoopz, making one of her five seconds of screen time in this whole series, points out that The Entertainer said he’s done if Destiney leaves. This is a plus. In confessional, she says she’s sooo over the Gold Team and then lists the only people she can trust in the house, which is like everyone. She seriously names almost every person; I’m shocked Flava Flav himself isn’t on that list. He never screwed her over!

Cut to the next morning and everyone is sleeping peacefully, especially The Entertainer and Destiney. Destiney has a 5:00 shadow that I am not entirely comfortable with.

Yet another thing they have in common: razor burn!

While they cuddle, 12 Pack and Heather make out on the other side of the room. In theory it feels like that should be a little gross, but these are the Rock of Love girls we’re talking about, so we should just be grateful they’re not having a fourgy. Heather inquires as to when The Entertainer and Destiney will get married, and her hand is right over 12 Pack’s dick the whole time. Something tells me marriage is not the most important thing in these folks’ lives. No matter, The Entertainer is all like, “We’re totally tying the knot, I loooove marriage!” Sweet as that is, the most charming sentiment of all is when he announces, “You really know you like a girl when you have to fart and you hold it in.” Destiney seems genuinely warmed by this, as though he’s created a dutch oven in her heart.

Elsewhere in the house, Real talks in depth about his alliance while Chance rolls around on a bare mattress. I’m assuming he wet the bed, natch. Real says he’s tight with Chance, Whiteboy, Hoopz, Pumkin, and Toastee. He basically says nothing can go wrong there, which means absolutely everything will go wrong in this episode. Gonna rock! Chance pulls his wet drawers back up and runs through the living room to get Destiney for God knows what reason, and Whiteboy complains that she’s “off the ball, bro.” Unfortunately I believe she’s on the ball(s) and that’s one of the issues at hand, but what do I know?

Destiney meets them inside, and she’s pulling underwear out of her ass for the whole trip in there. Better underwear than The Entertainer’s schlong, but still not super appropriate. I guess she wanted to pick a good seat for the team meeting. Even Brandi is repulsed!

That’s one salty dog.

The group gets a call from CJ on the T-Mobile phone they can never hear correctly. They’re always straining like they’re listening to Rodeo’s old rotary phone, which makes me want to sign up for a T-Mobile plan ASAP. The groups are told to suit up for the day’s competition and pick new captains, which is as complicated as you’d imagine. Brandi babbles about how she postulated on being the captain, but decided against it in her ultimate wisdom, and finally Real decides to step up for the Green Team. Toastee takes over the role for the Goldies and apparently needs Heather’s approval, which is weird. Heather is like, the Ultimate Captain. I genuinely adore Heather, so I’m disappointed that whenever they show her, she looks 5,000 years old next to the other girls. Her face is like the Grand Canyon, similar to her vagene.

After all the decision-making is finished, Hoopz saunters through the scene wearing my grandpa’s pants.

Steve Urkel’s in the hizzouse.

She’s pissed that Heather, 12 Pack, and The Entertainer have created alliances with the other team. Considering we were just told about her alliance with the Greens a few minutes ago, I’m thoroughly unimpressed. 12 Pack tries to sway Hoopz by being like, “I thought you were cool!” These people are reality TV all-stars but they bargain with the same lines that kids use in those educational peer pressure films, with similar shameful results.

Everyone heads out to the competition, where they’re greeted with a couple of empty tables. Real determines this means they’ll be skydiving which…yeah, totally. CJ announces that the challenge is called The Crying Game, and while Real assumes they’ll be crying as they leap from planes, the goal is just to make yourself cry. Sort of obvious. The first team to have each of its members produce a tear wins the challenge, so the competition is over before CJ even finishes speaking.

No, JK, the challenge actually goes on! The Goldies pick Hoopz to sit out since the teams are uneven and Hoopz is a heartless bitch. Either that or she’s a bad actress, but isn’t that the same thing on these shows? Luckily for those who lack the drama skillz, CJ produces a couple of crying tools, crycessories if you will. There’s an onion, a cigar, cayenne pepper, hot sauce, and tweezers. Destiney is relieved since she can use the tweezers to pluck any unruly stubble.

Her transformation to Homer Simpson is nearly complete.

The Entertainer terrifyingly declares that his team will cry, even if he has to cut off their genitals. While scary, this is not totally unexpected so no one flinches. They only stir when they find out that one team member must cry on their own, without any help from the crycessories. Woe! Brandi gleefully decides to be that person for the Greens, although she usually needs some vodka to get the tears going. Presumably she’s well-lubed for this competition. Rodeo will cry naturally for the Goldies, which means they have already won. Rodeo cries just thinking about those hard times before the days of electricity.

An unfortunate production assistant draws a mustache onto all the money grubbers as a judging line. In order for a tear to count, it has to cross the mustache. Everyone knows it’s not a good time unless your mustache gets soaked. With all that said and done, it’s time to cry! Heather immediately sticks an entire onion halve in her fucking eye, which seems like a true commitment to the team until we see Pumkin. Oh, sweet Pumkin. She explains that since she doesn’t know what cayenne pepper is, she just rubbed it all in her eyes. The thing is, even if you don’t know what cayenne means, shouldn’t pepper give it away? It’s pepper. What the fuck. Pumkin’s face explodes.

Dude, like, pepper is hot!

In confessional, she tells us not to put pepper in our eyes. Oh, okay. Now I understand.

Heather works up a tear, which puts the Goldies at 2-0. While Real digs in his nose with tweezers ala Boston, The Entertainer thinks back on his life at home with the folks and sobs in record time. That’s 3-0! Luckily Chance is able to produce a tear from cigar smoke, so that gives the Greeners a slight chance to catch up. Since it’s the Green Team, however, shit looks bleak.

12 Pack violates Pumkin’s new commandment and coats his eyes in hot sauce, which hurts, apparently. I am baffled. Something comes out of his eye but I swear it’s not a tear, that shit is straight up blood.

My Bloody Valentine.

Destiney cries next, which means Gold has four and Green has two. Considering how these competitions usually go, Green isn’t doing too shabby for once, and it seems like they really might have a shot since Toastee discovers she can no longer cry on command. She used up all her eye water on that fake injury, dammit! Desperate times call for desperate measures though, and since she can’t crumble into agonizing pretend pain, she asks 12 Pack to slap her in the face. 12 Pack prematurely ejaculates with joy and punches her right there on the spot. In turn, Toastee sheds a tear! Hooray, violence!

The Goldies only need one more person, Rodeo, in order to secure the win. Back on the Green Team, Megan scrambles to cry, and by the way I enjoy Megan obscenely. Her body is slammin’ and she’s dumb as a box of hair, which is everything I look for in a reality TV girl. I’m delighted every time she makes it through elimination! I’m also delighted that she looks like an anime cat while crying.

We are Siamese if you please.

Upon seeing how stellar Megan is at mewling, Rodeo realizes the pressure is on. She stomps her feet and wails that she wants her son, all while making sobby noises, which does little to evoke an actual tear. Thankfully for the Gold Team, Heather steps in to be awesome! She eggs Rodeo on by boredly being like, “Yeah, your son’s not here. He’s a million miles away, so…” Way to rub it in, girl! Sadly Heather’s attempts are not enough, and Rodeo flounders while Whiteboy brings the competition to 4 Green, 5 Gold.

Obviously the Greens have to tie things up. To help Brandi cry, Megan slaps her and accomplishes absolutely nothing. With Brandi’s extensive career in porn, a slap in the face is basically like clocking in for the day. It takes a lot more than that to get her emotions a-stirrin’. For similar reasons, it doesn’t work when Brandi’s teammates swear in her face. She actually seems happy about that, like it’s the equivalent of a loving hug. Speaking of, you know who need a hug? Rodeo’s son.

Brandi concludes she must gag herself, since that will make her cry. Unsurprisingly she’s a fucking pro at puking. Again with the porn career – gagging’s practically on her resume! While she regurgitates her dreams, Rodeo’s teammates physically pry her eyes open to generate tears. It’s a wonder they’re not shoving their fingers in there and swirling them around. Suddenly, in one of the tensest moments in I Love Money history, it’s down to Brandi and Rodeo! Brandi could tie it up!

Anticlimactically, Rodeo cries and the Goldies win. No one is shocked but for once, at least no one cries over it. The Gold Team hoots and hollers, and Heather decides, “Margaritas, I’m gonna be making.” Drunk she will be! Since Toastee is the Paymaster for the Gold Team, she’ll have to take a break long enough to take the three biggest losers from the Green Team on an outing. Drunk they will also be, I imagine.

Destiney thinks she’ll be the first one in the vault, so she decides to martyr it up by sadly asking, “So, who’s gonna throw me in the box tomorrow?” Everyone is like, “All of us, you bearded whore.” She promptly packs her bags when she gets home, which is such a jinx. Learn from Mr. Boston’s mistakes, Destiney! Packing your bags means you’re automatically going home, since the sloths on this show wouldn’t want that effort to go to waste! She weeps about it to The Entertainer, who says if she can’t handle this, then just wait ’til she’s been with him for six years and goes through all that mental shit. Maybe that’s supposed to be encouraging but wow, if I were Destiney I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan around this time. Thanks for the support, lover.

The only thing Destiney’s got going for her is her alliance with Toastee, which is not really an alliance. Remember in the first episode, when she kept Toastee and hoped Toastee would repay the favor? Yeah, that’s what she’s counting on. This is clearly the first thing on Toastee’s mind, too, except that Toastee is pretty well toasted. She’s also making Mo’Nique proud by putting her Charm School learnins’ into action.

Open wide!

You know how sometimes a porn star is filling your mouth? That’s Toastee’s life, apparently. She makes out with Brandi and laments that Destiney is not sucking up to her in similar ways. Destiney is too busy sucking other things, come on! She and The Entertainer come up with a brilliant idea that starts with, “I’m going to look like I am drunk, okay? I’m not going to be drunk.” Hold the phone, this plan is confusing already! It goes on, too, spiraling into something where The Entertainer and Destiney will stage a fight and she’ll whine to the girls. That will make them love her and then she’s safe! Except, you know, that sounds dumb as shit. He insists that she slap him though, explaining that she’d be doing that when they have sex anyway. You know what turns me on in bed? Black eyes. For that reason, the plan is in action and everyone is so super sober, they all take notice immediately.

No, wait, the plan is in tatters.

With nothing accomplished, we cut to the next morning. The Greeners head to the vault without any complaints of a raging hangover, which makes me think these morning scenes must be filmed at 6 PM. How else can these people function? CJ announces that he’ll stay in the vault with the team this time, since shit got so very wild last week. Megan’s mentally challenged dog, Lily Megan, is also there as a peacemaker. She’s the most levelheaded of all of them, let’s be honest. When CJ and Lily Megan have a consensus on the three individuals going into the strongbox, they’ll deposit the check. I suppose this is to avoid having to draw up enormous plastic checks for a second time if people start brawlin’. I hate when that happens!

As soon as the clock starts running, Brandi volunteers for the strongbox since she came in second to last. Also, she’s terrible at everything, even campaigning for herself. Real suggests Destiney as the next person, and voila, it’s unanimous! Destiney is less than thrilled but she’s so busy combing her chin, she can’t really argue. Real agrees to go in as the third contestant, and with that, the vault experience is finished with little fanfare. Boo, I Love Money! You can do better! In confessional, Megan comments that Real is an idiot for putting himself in the box. If Toastee is smart (which she isn’t), she’ll send the strongest person home and Real will go byebye. It’s kind of a sad day when Megan is the most insightful cast member.

CJ reveals the bottom three to the Goldies, and shockingly, The Entertainer is mildly peeved. He expresses his frustration by bellowing, “If they send Destiney home, I’m gonna blow this whole fucking house up.” I love that none of the producers take this shit seriously. He could spend a day peeling the skin from 12 Pack’s nuts and they’d be like, “Make sure we’ve got enough tape left to keep rolling.” In the end, though, who can blame them? Toastee isn’t too fazed by the nominations, mumbling something about how being famous is pretty sweet. She may have said “being Paymaster” instead, but her accent is ridic and it’s just Toastee, so who gives a shit, you know? Whatever she said, surely it wasn’t a grad school thesis.

Back at the house, Destiney wonders why Brandi and Real volunteered to go in the box. It’s been such a deathmatch for the past few weeks, so way to be observant, Big D. The Entertainer responds helpfully, noting that “they could all die in their sleep tomorrow and [he] wouldn’t care.” I know these girls dig having The Entertainer suck on their feet, but I would truly be concerned that he’d bite a fucking toe off. He doesn’t have a chance this time though, since it’s already time for Toastee’s big power outing. Hoorah! It’s off to Bahia de Conejos which means Set of Reality TV show. Trust me, I know my Spanish. The place is gorgeous.

Can we have a sleepover?

They walk through the shithole and eventually find a beach, in one of I Love Money‘s most shocking twists! The group will go snorkeling for their outing, which is really pretty cool, especially in comparison to that outing where Mr. Boston just puked into a bucket the whole time. Everyone loads into the water, and unlike me, no one is terrified by the prospect of having fish rub up against them even though that is so fucking creepy. A turtle the size of a goddamn bear floats past Brandi and she’s never concerned, while I’m writhing at the sight of it. Brandi – 1, Bailey Quarters – zip.

Things are going well until sharks start swimming up. Sharks! Only Real notices or cares, and he wisely assumes he’s about to die. Longtime readers of my recaps know I long to cover the first reality TV death, but shit, not death by terrifying sharks. I prefer death by icemaker, things like that. Real scurries out of the water, holding his hand in the air and squawking all the way. In his words, his fingers got “spiked up” in the water. I assumed that meant they got all pruney, but apparently something bit him? He wails about how he’s bleeding and got stung by a rock, which is even more confusing than going skydiving with tables. Real lives in a special place. His hands are legitimately disgusting but don’t show any sign of rocks or blood, so it’s all kind of weird and confusing. Toastee is super sympathetic, bragging about how she’s faked an injury before so she knows all about this. Way to represent, Toast.

Once everyone is safely on shore, they decide to talk game. Before speaking to anyone, Toastee concludes she doesn’t want to send Brandi home, which makes sense. Brandi can barely tie her own shoelaces, so it’s not like she’s about to start sweeping every competition. It’s basically between Real and Destiney, so Real runs his mouth about how he’s staying for sure. Probably not the best idea to be a dickhole right in front of the Paymaster though, you know? PS: yes, using that title seriously makes me slightly sad.

Toastee asks Destiney if she has any alliances in the house, and Destiney’s like, “First and foremost is my alliance with you!” Visible confusion splashes across Toastee’s face, since that was weeks ago, dude. She listens while Destiney lists the reasons why Real should go home, but of course none of them sink in. Destiney might as well be singing and shaking maracas for all the impact she has. Real counters by saying he should stay since strong people will win this thing. See, if I were Toastee, that would inspire me to get rid of him so I could win, but Toastee I am not. I am grateful for this near daily.

When it’s time for her to pick someone for a twee solo date, she chooses Real. She’s not sure if it’s a good idea to keep such a strong player around to benefit the Greenies, and he’s like, “Wait, so it was a bad idea for me to nominate myself for eviction?” No shit, guy. He argues that Toastee will need him, which she agres with, but at least for a minute she really seems to be considering breaking up the Stallionaire alliance. Do it, girl! Be a brave little Toastee!

They’re home soon enough, and The Entertainer immediately corners Ye Olde Paymaster to fight for Destiney. He’s so creepy and threatening, so even his most casual conversations are scary. Now that he’s actually trying to fight for something, he looks like he could just slice her head off. He tries to persuade her by talking about how she’d make history for eliminating Real, and I have to agree – the show’s Wikipedia page will look wicked awesome. Beyond that, though, no one will ever care.

Toastee calls the Gold Team together for a meeting, and Heather is basically dry humping 12 Pack so it’s not high on her list of priorities. Everyone meets up anyway, and Toastee drops the bomb that Real might be the best person to eliminate.

Hoopz smells what The Rock is cooking.

The meeting is basically Hoopz being stank, Toastee getting saddee, and Pumkin looking grotesque. Sometimes she legitimately looks like a Chihuahua, so between Pumkin and Megan, we’ve got a whole menagerie.

Unsurprisingly, they can’t reach any conclusion. The only thing that’s unanimous is that Brandi is so fabulously useless, there’s no need to send her home. She agrees with that! Before the elimination ceremony begins, CJ asks The Entertainer if he’ll really go home to prove his devotion to Destiney, which is like the million dollar question. If he says yes, obviously they’re sending Destiney home! Just as obviously, he’ll walk away with about 54 cents, which is what I assume VH1 pays for appearing on their programs. Ultimately he looooves money, as we all know, so dude is sticking around. He squaws about this in confessional and I swear to God, there’s a kind of half-assed swastika reflected in his forehead.

Heil The Entertainer!

Toastee presents Brandi with her check first because she loves her so much. That’s code for “you are a dumb piece of crap.” As always, Brandi is thrilled! Real and Destiney aren’t as happy, I wonder why. This decision really could go either way: she has an alliance to Real but has a connection to Destiney too, so it’s a toughie. Ultimately the Stallionaire alliance is more alluring, and with that, Destiney is out! She says she’s leaving so early because she doesn’t play dirty. She just fucks dirty, which is super different, so get your facts straight. Real concludes that his alliance is okay and Toastee’s “word is bond.” I was totally going to say that too.

Are you happy to see Destiney go? Who are you pulling for in the end? Leave your thoughts!