I Love Money: Reunited and It Feels White Trash

This week on the I Love Money reunion, it’s really obvious that some of these girls need an attitude adjustment! I just wish there was a place for them to go, say a place where they could learn some charm. If there ever is such a place, I sure hope VH1 thinks to promote it.

We open to CJ joining us in a vault-type environment, which is wonderfully clever. Okay, it’s not, but we’re almost out of here – might as well play nice for now, right? He explains the premise of this series, since we didn’t watch for the past four months. More importantly, he looks like a tool.

Pip pip, cheerio!

We meet the cast again, and surprisingly no one seems too wasted yet. Admittedly we’re only two minutes into the show, but considering the people at hand, it’s a legitimate feat. Real is wearing a long wig for reasons I can’t possibly determine, and Heat’s face is cut open, but those things are probably par for the course. I can’t imagine how many open sores Heat has in total.

CJ cuts to footage of The Great Alliance Debacle, where The Brokedowns secretly joined up and promptly broke down. That name was fitting after all! Awesomely, he watches the clips and then is like, “Whoa, that’s crazy!” like this is all exclusive stuff. Duuude, my mind is blown too! He asks the cast if they were surprised by how insane everything was in Mexico, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean that racistly, although I totally invite you to look at it that way. Rodeo responds by cackling wildly. She can’t even form words, she’s so tickled by this question! To be fair, she also finds the question “What do you want for dinner?” to be off the chain.

Having no luck there, CJ asks 12 Pack how he feels about the series. 12 Pack claims he wasn’t looking for love, but those ladies just beat him down. I don’t know, am I the only one that finds 12 Pack kind of revolting? Surely there are tons grosser in this cast, but I’m just not feelin’ him or the idea of women lining up to sit on his dick. CJ goes out of his way to prove me wrong on that though, presenting Mr. Boston next. And in that light, who wouldn’t fuck 12 Pack?

We get a couple clips of Mr. Boston humping random things and prematurely ejaculating.

Coming through!

They could fill an hour of time with Mr. Boston talking about his dick, how he stuffs his favorite bikini, etc. Luckily we only get a minute or two, but all the clips are basically like, “Dude, isn’t that guy fucking nuts?” Yes! He climbs onstage following this sad show, and Craig questions why the Mr. Boston charm failed. Maybe because he doesn’t have any? Boston blames Megan and Brandi for his downfall, but he also addresses getting beat up in the vault. He wants us all to know he’s still covered in bruises, too! It should be noted that the show taped in February and the reunion was filmed in September or October, but he’s that much of a pansy.

Boston says it’s a tough life when you’re not used to dealing with such scumbags, but to be frank, it seems like that’s a never-ending situation for him. Everyone else sucks and he’s the king! CJ asks Megan how she feels about screwing over Mr. Boston. She feels terrible.

Terribly amused.

Boston says Megan and 12 Pack have both been calling him and crying, which is frigging hilarious just on its own. Of all people to call when you’re depressed, you call someone who’s mentally retarded? Megan’s got Lily for that. CJ ignores this notion as anyone would, moving on to ask why Boston seemed relieved to go home. His answer is that he’s got a real job and a fabulous life. That’s why he needed to go on I Love Money, y’all! He throws in that he doesn’t live in his parents’ basement, which is supposed to be a burn on The Entertainer but really just makes me wonder if he lives in his parents’ garage instead.

Mr. Boston adds that he wouldn’t do another competition-style reality show, since he’s too funny to be with all these people. He needs his own show to really contain all his goods! Based on the other contestants’ reactions, I’d say they agree.

Skinemax meets Comedy Central.

Heather hasn’t laughed that hard since she saw Bret Michaels’ dick. Mr. Boston is undeterred, proposing that his show will be about picking up chicks in different countries. That’s not a terrible idea, all things considered. He’d probably have more luck with girls who don’t speak English. The audience hoots and hollers for that creation, which means VH1 will pick it up in approximately three days.

Mr. Boston adds that he doesn’t want to make a career of reality shows like, ahem, Megan. She waves joyously but Brandi steps in to defend her, natch. Even when someone’s just making a casual observation about Megan, Brandi gets super aggressive. They could do a segment about Megan wearing bathing suits and Brandi would be up in there like, “Y’all don’t know her life!” Boston counters by saying he doesn’t want to be on reality shows with skanks like Brandi anymore. We’ll just assume he’s looking for new skanks. Leave your applications for that in the comments, maybe we can put in a good word.

Next, it’s time to look at The Entertainer’s sadsack life! CJ notes that The Entertainer went on a dating show and wound up with a woman hating him, and he went on a show for money but wound up broke. I don’t think that’s entirely the case, since VH1 paid for him to be in Mexico and they certainly didn’t take money from him each week he was there, although I’d watch that show. Anyway, CJ is bad at irony. We get some footage of Pumkin and The Entertainer making out hardcore during their time abroad, which I totally don’t even remember! Maybe that was during ChickBomb’s watch, before I became intimate with every facet of these clowns’ lives.

A refresher – not to be confused with refreshing.

The Entertainer climbs into the hot seat, where he’s immediately questioned about the Pumkin hook-up. Maybe he can’t remember it either, because he pauses for an awkward stretch before remarking, “Pumkin, you lost a lot of weight! You look terrific.” I planned on touching on this later, but since The Entertainer’s jumping my gun here, let’s go for it: Pumkin looks like a bobblehead doll. She may have been Reality Fat before, but never Real Person Fat. Now she’s about 17 pounds total and she’s out there in a Hervé Léger knock-off – one of those bandage dresses that’s universally unflattering. Even the skinniest girls look six months pregnant in them, but Pumkin still looks rail thin. All I’m sayin’ is don’t be shocked when she goes into food rehab.

Golf claps all around.

The Entertainer says Pumkin’s an attractive woman, but some people might disagree. That’s Megan’s cue to wave heartily, like her sailor’s pulling up to the dock. Love it! The Entertainer goes on to mention that Pumkin’s actions are unattractive, which is seriously the pot calling the kettle black. We’ll all remember this observation next time he’s screaming about wanting to cut someone’s throat. They conclude it was mutually the biggest mistake of their lives, so hey! Glad that’s settled.

The Entertainer announces that he played this game as honestly and fairly as he could, so he really didn’t try to backstab Heather. It should be noted that Heather looks flawless, seriously, but they keep showing her over Megan’s shoulder so Megan has room to make nasty faces in all the shots. In other news: Megan rocks. The Entertainer says that if Heather hadn’t told him to keep their alliance a secret, he would’ve sent Megan home on that fateful night. Heather adds that she would’ve won the next challenge and someone hardcore would’ve gone home. The next challenge was Ye Olde Stripper Pole, of course, and she could’ve hung there for two hours! From anyone else, that would be a ballsy claim but from Heather, it’s just common sense.

CJ asks 12 Pack why the alliance with The Entertainer and Heather broke down. He cites the Stallionaire alliance as being much stronger, but LOL, remember when Chance got sent home early? Me too! 12 Pack says his alliance struggled because he didn’t really know The Entertainer, and our boy Frankie doesn’t do what anyone tells him. That’s all water under the bridge though – they’re best friends now and they have slumber parties all the time! Sadly, those are his exact words; I didn’t have to gay anything up at all. 12 Pack tries to redeem it by saying that if they’re hooking up with chicks, they just put a sheet up between them. Then I puked.

They screen some clips of The Entertainer living with his parents and being lame. He sings a song about it, which is at least slightly redeeming. Still though, if you know you’re such a crapbag, why not think about looking for a job? Just a suggestion. The Entertainer’s dad joins in on the hate, venting about how useless his child is. He also ponders putting The Entertainer’s voided check on eBay, which is a decent idea. One of Megan’s bathing suits is being auctioned for a grand and a half, so The Entertainer’s check could make at least $10! The best part of the vignette is The Entertainer talking on the phone to a girl he met on Myspace. He says his job is to encourage people from the Internet, which…totally! Nothing about that seems weird. My life coach is a stay-at-home 30-year-old too.

CJ asks The Entertainer if any of these clips affect him, which is a kind way of saying, “Do you realize how fucking sad your life is?” The Entertainer does not. He gives a spiel about how the only thing that matters is what’s inside of you. You know what’s not inside of him? Motivation or life skills. His plans for the future are to move to California, and he’ll do this by getting a truck and driving there. Simple enough! From there, he’ll go to McDonald’s and get a 20-piece chicken nugget meal. So, things are going good.

Let’s take a look at the audience’s reaction, shall we?

You can take the girl out of the strip club…

…but you can’t take the money out of her bra. Way to go, girlfriend.

CJ starts the following segment by postulating on what would happen if Dr. Evil’s brain were in a Playmate’s body. Megan is overjoyed by this comparison – a person is speaking about her, and he thinks she’s hot! They are totally boyfriend and girlfriend now. She joins our trusty host while Brandi basically orgasms over this pleasant interaction. CJ says Megan’s one of the strongest players of the game, but still asks if she’s upset about the way she played. Of course she doesn’t regret a thing; without a conscience, it’s impossible to have regrets. She doesn’t understand why people dislike her gameplay either, since the other contestants aren’t attacked for using their muscles. She was just using her bitch muscle, so it’s the same thing. Still, she admits she’s surprised to have gone so far since she never actually won anything. At least she won America’s heart! Or something.

When asked the easiest person to manipulate, Megan says the boys in general, and everyone instantly gets riled up. Even Heather starts shouting, which can only mean she has a stray piece of genitalia. Megan starts giggling, and then Heather’s invited up to fight. Yay! She settles herself a seat away from Megan, since she might catch something contagious, of course. They immediately start swearing and throwing their hands in the air, which are all the ingredients for a good time.

Heather accuses Megan of taking her sloppy seconds, and the rest is mostly inaudible, except for when Heather announces that 12 Pack lives with his parents and doesn’t own a car. At least The Entertainer’s got a vehicle! You can tell he’s kind of triumphant about winning at least one battle. 12 Pack tries to burn her by being like, “How do you know? I never called you!” but she sets him ablaze by shouting that he never made her come. Can’t argue that! Heather’s segment is complete!

There’s still another person who wants to confront Megan, however. That would be our pal Pumkin, so her bones rattle up to the stage. She completely supports her decision to send Chance home, and while defending that, she calls Megan a whore. Why not, you know? Megan does not appreciate that, so she rails on Pumkin for being old and ugly, which is also unappreciated. This is all shocking – these people normally get along! Pumkin finally screams at her to shut the fuck up, and then she just kind of loses her shit. Maybe there’s too little oxygen in her deformed body and she doesn’t know how to handle it, but she screams herself hoarse. And then…

Gourd Attack!

CJ steps in before Pumkin eats her whole, at which point she’s invited to leave the stage. Bye Pumkin! See you soon on Celebrity Rehab.

Next up, we’ve got the Stallionaires, oh boy! CJ introduces them by explaining they forged an alliance on I Love New York, but uh, didn’t they form that during childhood? Aren’t they brothers? Way to miss the obvious, dude. After some clips of them being total douchenozzles, they grace us with their presence by being loud and awful. They address how awesome they believe they are, and it’s all basically one big plug for their upcoming show, Real Chance of Love. They’re like, “The girls here suck! We’ve gotta find some new ones!” My, what perfect timing. To give Chance credit though, he calls Pumkin a “Miss-Piggy-lookin’ fool” and accuses her gums of hanging out. Totally!

Whiteboy gets to join the group, since he’s apparently the heart of the Stallionaire alliance. He claims he made the whole team, and no one else understood the game so that’s why he did so well. The rules were hard, y’all. Winning money? Beating other people? Don’t be silly! Real says he knew the rules, he just happened to fall in love as well. Anything else he says is incoherent, but that’s to be expected.

Speaking of love, though, it’s finally time to speak to Hoopz! They always keep the winner secluded during these reunion shows, although it doesn’t much matter for this special. It’s not like anyone’s going to pull her tracks out over true love this time. Anyway, she comes out and she’s lookin’ fiiiine.

Quarter-of-a-million dollar smile.

These shows make me so queer, I can’t stop mentioning when the ladies look somewhat put together. Maybe because it’s such a rarity. Anyway, Hoopz reports she still can’t believe she won, but she did! They discuss that she’s one of the only people to win a reality show by being good. Seriously, she didn’t break alliances or steal anyone’s vibrator, both of which are accomplishments here. She’s going to use the money to take care of her family and start an accessory line, although hopefully it won’t be like Saaphyri’s Lip Chap business, if only because that is gross.

Hoopz mentions that her mom still doesn’t know she won. They had to keep the show confidential, which makes sense, and the reunion actually taped while the show was still airing. All these things mean Mama Hoopz hasn’t figured anything out yet. Little does she know, CJ has a master plan! VH1 flew Mama Hoopz out for the show, and she’s been in the green room for the whole thing. You’d think that would make it fairly obvious – why else would they bring her all the way here, right? Shouldn’t Mama be catching on by now? But whatever, she’s here and it’s grand! Also, weirdly, she looks like she could be another Flavor of Love contestant.

Our newest challenger, Maaaamz.

Maaaamz says she couldn’t be any prouder of Hoopz, which is really cute. They have a slightly odd dynamic, probably since they’re about the same age, but Hoopz is really sweet with her. She chats about how she’ll try to take care of the family…because oh yeah, by the way, she won! Her mom is shell-shocked, to put it mildly. They squeal over it, only to be interrupted by CJ, who’s like, “You also won a marriage proposal!” And I’m sure she’s not trying to forget that at all!

We get to see all the footage of Real proposing again, while Hoopz cringes and hides her face. CJ asks if we’ll see a Hoopz and Real wedding special anytime soon, but she turns it down immediately. Nope! No. Nada. They’re just the best of friends and shall never bone, thanks. Real’s totally cool with that.

Does Not Compute.

CJ asks if the proposal was fake or strategy, but Real insists it was neither. He’s also obnoxious as fuck while he declares it. He stresses that he’s super in love, which is a great thing to mention as he goes into this new show. Suck on that, ladies! Gonna be great.

With that, CJ promises he’ll see us when he sees us, and I Love Money is complete! This show has been all kinds of amazing, and I’ll be honest — Charm School looks kind of ridiculously good. Its first season made me want to start recapping here, so I’ll be spending the next few months petting the second season fondly. Anyway, I love you guys and I’ve appreciated each and every comment! If you take away one thing from this show, let it be this:

Toastee loves you long time.