I Love Money: Stab Wound

Previously on I Love Money, Rodeo rode on home and we found out there are no more teams. No more teams?! How will we ever cope? Find out after the jump!

We open to 12 Pack and Heather lounging in bed the morning after elimination. 12 Pack informs her that it’s every man for himself now – you see, there are no more teams, did you know? Heather smirks at him the whole time, which I hope means she realizes he is a moron. Unfortunately this is probably not the case. Speaking of dumb people, gathered in the dining room are Brandi, Pumkin and Megan. Brandi talks about how they only have four eliminations left which seems so odd. It’s true, at least based on the show’s Wikipedia page, but there’s still ten people left so what the fuck? Furthermore, why does Brandi know this but I don’t? Weird.

The usual strained phone call comes along pretty quickly, and it’s met with varying levels of interest.

Ooh, something shiny!

The tagline for the challenge is “With friends like you, who needs enemies?” Clever. Everyone has to suit up and prepare to compete for themselves, as though they weren’t before this round. They head out to a beach, where they’re met with a bunch of dummies. Not each other, no, actual dummies made of papier-mâché. They’re designed to look like all the contestants, but the chicks are all just blonde-headed so it’s hard to tell them apart. The only distinguishable one is Hoopz since her dummy is vaguely brown.

The challenge is called The Backstabber, since that’s a major theme on any reality show but especially the VH1 selections. Love it! The ten dummies have their backs turned to the contestants, and the object of the game is to literally stab them in the back with throwing stars. You don’t see those often enough in the real world, am I right? Once a dummy has three stars in its back, the player is eliminated from the game. Additionally, the first dummy with three stars means the player automatically goes in the strongbox. At least that means the contestants will play wisely! If they just sit around and get Brandi out first, these folks need more help than I can give them.

The Brokedowns get together to hash out the rules of the game, since they’re oh so complicated. Awesomely, Brandi states the obvious about what they need to do (stab people, durr) and Pumpkin makes the most patronizing face in the world. You know, because Pumkin is so sharp herself.

Takes a blonde to know a blonde.

Pumkin says in order to protect the alliance, they have to take out the people who are a threat to them. Seems obvious, but it’ll also make their secret alliance pretty public. Thems the breaks!

Before she can say anything more, the game begins. First up is The Entertainer, who’s a pretty fitting candidate since he’d win Most Likely to Shoot You Dead in the I Love Money summer superlatives. He winds up and stabs the real Hoopz! Wait, no, it’s her dummy. It’s just that they look so much alike.

Hoopz, watch out!

Real takes his turn and stabs The Entertainer. Hoopz tries for the same but misses. Weirdly, Brandi makes her shot even though she has no athletic ability, so that gives Whiteboy one knife. Next up is Heather, who also goes for Whiteboy but climbs aboard the fail whale. Megan aims for The Entertainer but misses her shot, which pisses Pumkin off. First, she says Megan shouldn’t have even been aiming for The Entertainer but if she had to, she should’ve at least hit him. Whatever, Megan’s too busy looking cute, you guys.

12 Pack nails Whiteboy from behind, as is his habit. He’s out if he gets one more dagger, but luckily Pumkin is up next so there’s no way he’ll lose, right? Wrong! Through one miracle or another, Pumkin makes the shot! Since he’s the first one out, that means he’s automatically going into the strongbox tomorrow. The Entertainer congratulates Pumkin by hollering, “Special treat for you!” which…ew.

The last person in the round is Toastee, who knows there’s no way she can win. This is pretty much the truth. She aims for Hoopz and fails, unsurprisingly. For the start of round two, Megan lands a shot on Heather. I still don’t understand why these two aren’t best friends, would they not be perfect together? The round progresses with various attempts, resulting in The Entertainer getting another dagger and Brandi receiving her first. In round three, Pumkin and Megan both get nailed, followed by a second for Heather. Toastee gets one, Brandi gets another, and I’d slow down to cover these but they speed through everything. Also, do you care who shot whom? Nah, I know you.

Real steps up for his turn and thoroughly annihilates The Entertainer, making him the second eliminated. Bye, Frank! Next up, Pumkin and Megan both get hit, and then Hoopz eliminates Heather. Heather takes it well, as she often does, cheerfully announcing in confessional that Hoopz hit her right in the chord. I could probably listen to Heather talk about anything for hours, just because her word choices are so freaking fantastic. Additionally, this chat would probably involve her tatters.

Toastee gets another shot, bringing her up to two backstabs. Brandi and Pumkin both step up to stab Real, which pisses him off just a tad. Admittedly it has to suck to go from zero to two in a few seconds, but that’s the way I Love Money rolls! Of course Real attacks Pumkin next so his brother can be avenged, and that means Pumkin is eliminated. The Gourd responds by being cross-eyed as fuck.

“I see,” said the blind girl.

As it stands now, we’ve got Brandi, Real, Toastee, Hoopz, 12 Pack and Megan still in the game. Hoopz gets another dagger, and then Megan steps up to stab 12 Pack. He knocks her out in return, and with that, Megan’s illustrious challenge run is complete. Sigh. Toastee eliminates Hoopz next, which makes Heather run over to her hooting and hollering. On a scale of one to ten, Heather is like a 15 in excitement, and Toastee is maybe a two. She interviews that it’s the happiest day of her life and she feels like she won the Superbowl, but she says it like her dad just died. Sorry about that, Papa Toastee.

Brandi hits 12 Pack, and he comes back to eliminate Brandi. That means we’re down to three, and oddly Toastee is still hanging in there! Each of the final three has two daggers, so this is kind of a sudden death thing now. I’m actually excited, although I hate to admit it! Real shoots for 12 Pack and connects, thoroughly eliminating him. He still gets one more shot though, so 12 Pack stabs Real and somehow Toastee becomes Paymaster! Frickin’ Toastee! How crazy is it that she’s the only person to be Paymaster twice?

In the van on the way home, Whiteboy and Real praise Megan for being an awesome blossom. Whiteboy even calls her a “true-ass fucking female,” which is the highest praise one can ever receive. In confessional, Megan admits one of the reasons she wants to stay aligned with Whiteboy is because she finds him so cute. I mean, I guess? I don’t completely see it that way, but sure? Luckily for her, Whiteboy announces that his new alliance is with Real, Hoopz and Megan, which means girlfriend lucked out big time.

Back at the house, Real professes his love for Hoopz. He’s just glad that Hoopz is safe this week, although she really isn’t. Toastee was the one to stab Hoopz every time, so she’s probably not safe at all, actually. Real is not much for common sense. In another bedroom, The Brokedowns profess their love for each other. Pumkin is pissed that Megan didn’t stick up for them in the challenge though, since they are so awesome and she should’ve done what’s right. Megan reacts like one of those cat clocks whose eyes dart back and forth.

Cue tail swinging here.

12 Pack takes Toastee aside for cigarettes and gossip. Apparently Toastee is involved in an alliance with 12 Pack and Heather, which I’m fairly sure she knew nothing about until just now. He thinks Whiteboy is the best person to send home, and since he’s so sure she’ll vote Whitey out, he volunteers to jump into the box too. Why the hell not, right? He knows there’s no chance of Toastee eliminating him, since they’re so tight in their alliance. She agrees to get rid of the right person. 12 Pack does not look completely comforted.

Hoopz and Megan are busy talking game as well, even though they hated each other twelve minutes ago. Megan explains that Pumkin is making Toastee’s decision, since Toastee is essentially useless, and they’re voting for Whiteboy since he views Pumkin as a threat. Newsflash: she really is not. If the final event is swimming laps, she’s straight-up done. The girls determine they need to convince Pumkin she’s not a target, otherwise Whiteboy’s VH1 career will come to another temporary end.

Megan trots inside to discuss this with Whiteboy and Real, telling them they need to appease Pumkin for now. Whiteboy loves Megan’s mentality. Finally all her shit-talking is paying off! Real gets up to apologize to Pumkin, explaining he only had beef with her because of Chance, etcetera etcetera. They talk for three seconds before kissing and making up, and then Real says, “Come with me and talk to Whiteboy and Hoopz.” Way to be obvious, dude! He’s so sorry but hey, since they’re friends, how about she tells his alliance they’re safe?

Pumkin tells Hoopz she knows she’s their target, and the whole group insists that’s not the case. Gourdy doesn’t believe it though. She had to either move away from them or die in her bed, that’s how much they hate her! Hoopz says they were just trying to piss her off but things are totally fine, and to prove it, Whiteboy offers Pumkin a deal. If she and Toastee keep him around this time, then he won’t vote for either of them next round and he’ll let them back into the alliance. This makes me giggle because really, were they ever part of it in the first place? Shit changes so fast on this show. They call Toastee in for further discussion.

She comes dressed in her Sunday finest.

Toastee is interested, but ultimately she doesn’t know if she can trust Whiteboy. While she thinks it over, we cut to The Entertainer, 12 Pack and Megan. 12 Pack asks to be voted into the vault and Megan feigns sadness since they’re best friends, even though she was all stabbin’ him on the beach. Once he explains he wants Whiteboy out though, she goes along with the plan happily, deciding to convince Toastee to eliminate 12 Pack instead. This show is oddly complicated, considering what it is at heart.

The next morning, CJ comes over to greet the money lovers. Everyone except Toastee has to go in the vault, so off they go! As you’ll recall, Whiteboy is already in the box so they have to decide on the other two participants. Real steps up as the master of ceremonies. He asks if anyone wants to see Brandi in the beezy (this means “box” in Ghetto), and for the first time in I Love Money history, no one does! This is the first time she’ll ever miss out on the power outing! Knowing Brandi, you’d expect her to be stupidly sad about this, but luckily she’s not that much of an idiot. The group votes on Heather next, and Whiteboy is the only person to want her in the beezy. Heather, by the by, is looking flawless.

Shake a can of pennies at it!

She was known for her psychotic hair back on Rock of Love but we’ve come a long way since then, Heather. Invest in a fucking comb. No one wants to see Pumkin or Megan in the box, but The Entertainer would like to see Hoopz in there. 12 Pack and The Entertainer vote for Real, and then everyone votes for The Entertainer. Poor Frank. His check is promptly placed in the beezy, and then everyone picks 12 Pack so they pitch him in too.

After the vault meeting, Megan and Brandi discuss their options. Brandi thinks Whiteboy needs to go home for sure, but Megan obviously disagrees. She pushes for 12 Pack’s elimination, but ultimately the conversation winds up with each of them doing a voice for Lily Megan that’s like, “Don’t be silly, I’d love for Whiteboy to go home!” Tis hilarious.

Soon the bottom three head out with Toastee for the power outing. Toastee is scared of all the power she has, which I guess she should be. How did it wind up that the weakest girls are eliminating the strongest guys, seriously? They get out of the van and are welcomed to a big ol’ ranch. CJ told the ranch owner the houseguests need a soul cleansing, so she calls an elderly medicine lady to help out. The Entertainer is worried, since there was an old creeper who did a similar thing on I Love New York. The Entertainer has a lot of dirty shit in his past, so obviously he doesn’t want that getting out.

The lady breaks an egg and makes crazy eyes, and then she speaks rapid-fire Spanish at The Enertainer, who does not get it. Then she puts some kind of gourd to her mouth, sucks out a mouthful of juice and…spits in everyone’s face! Fantastic! Side note: I used to have a friend who lived in Mexico, and she occasionally talked about “cleaning the house with a coconut” to get rid of spirits. I assumed she was psychotic, naturally, but I guess this is an actual tradition down in those parts? I’m endlessly white so I don’t quite get it.

Everyone is grossed out but thinks it’s funny, except Whiteboy, who fears catching hepatitis C. Says a lot about Whiteboy’s upbringing that he immediately jumps to that conclusion, right? The lady spits all over him and then rubs the wetness on his head for good measure. Gotta make sure that hep gets in there real good! After the cleansing, the lady picks up a turkey and waves it in everyone’s face, since that signifies a clean soul. I don’t know what just happened but anyway, it’s over.

Back at the house, Megan campaigns further to keep Whiteboy around. She theorizes that if they keep The Entertainer around, Real and Hoopz will still want to take him out. If they keep Whiteboy around, everyone else in the house will still want him out. That’s why 12 Pack is the best choice to eliminate, since everyone will still hate each other and no one will care about The Brokedowns. Brilliant! Brandi and Pumkin are reluctant, but they soon see the light emanating from Megan’s aura and agree.

We return to the power outing again, where Toastee still has zero clue what to do. Without Pumkin by her side, she is lost. The awesome thing is that while the guys argue about who should go, birds keep crowing in the background, animals are all honking. They disagree with all of these happenings! Toastee winds up picking 12 Pack for the solo time, but they edit it in really weirdly. She’s talking in a normal, cheerful voice and then says “12 Pack” in a very obvious soundbyte. She sounds like a demon, and then she’s back to her happy self, telling everyone she’ll see them soon. VH1, you are tiring!

Their talk is mostly some weird innuendo involving squeezing limes, but they touch on a little strategy during their time too. 12 Pack swears Toastee will make it to the finals with him, and she backs that up by insisting she doesn’t like to break her word. She’s pretty sure she’ll send Whiteboy home, so that’s that! We all float on.

The power-outters head home, where Brandi is waiting for Toastee on all fours for no reason I can discern.

Maybe she and Lily were miming?

Brandi and Megan explain the benefits of sending 12 Pack home. To be fair, Brandi tries to speak but Megan just chatters over her. All things considered, you can’t really blame her. Megan says they’re removing the person that will least affect them, and that throws everything into a cocked hat for Toastee. Her alliance is telling her to do one thing, but her gut is telling her to do another. It would obviously be easiest to send home The Entertainer since no one cares about him, but she’s more inclined to bust up one of the deals she’s got going. However will she manage?

She doesn’t have long to think about it all, since soon it’s time for the eviction ceremony! Toastee actually looks adorable, while 12 Pack looks like a waiter and/or matador. Possibly both at a weird dinner theatre.

May I take your bull preference?

12 Pack is the only one of the guys who isn’t really worried going into the ceremony. Whiteboy is concerned because he’s the biggest threat in the house (although it should be noted, Whiteboy has almost never won anything on this show). The Entertainer is stressing since if he gets sent home, he might have to live with his parents for the rest of his life! God forbid he get a real job! Luckily for him, he’s the first one to get a check, to which CJ says, “Wow. Okay?” Even the host hates this dude.

Toastee says she’s keeping The Entertainer around because he’s been smoking since he was like five, he’s over the hill, and something about interacting with the turkey on the power outing. Without any reaction shots from Heather, it’s always difficult to determine what each trash-talked slur means.

We’re down to 12 Pack and Whiteboy. 12 Pack gets called up first, which means he’ll probably get to stay. Unfortunately Toastee says he gives his word out too often and she can’t believe him, so with that, it’s byebye 12 Pack! Whiteboy stays! Heather experiences various emotions about this occurrence.

“Drag queen” is one of them.

To celebrate getting to stay, Whiteboy does that weird lonely clap again. Next week, his hands finally bruise from the strain. Also next week, they partake in a challenge called the Spit Olympics, which is making me gag already. Oh Sunday, you can’t get here fast enough!

Also popular? The Spit Swapping Olympics.