I Love Money: The Comeback Kids

Greetings, gasmii! I’m finding that I worry every week that I Love Money is going to lose its gusto along the way, that maybe this week won’t be as terribly good. What the hell would we do then, right? Not to worry though, every week I’m completely delighted that this show will never run out of steam! Let’s not waste any more time – we need to get right into things.

We begin where we left off last week, at the end of ye olde elimination. Pumkin reminds us that she eliminated Chance – her! Blonde ass Pumkin! I still enjoy that quote. Real shouts at her that he’s headhunting her motherfucking ass, and she rolls her eyes but then says she would like to switch rooms, please! The Entertainer comforts her, and he’s looking swell.

My hero!

He offers to let Pumkin and Toastee stay in his room, and since they’d rather put up with an ADD-riddled psycho than be killed in their sleep, they happily move. Of course there’s a good chance The Entertainer will snap and kill before anyone else would, but eh, whatever gets blonde ass Pumkin and her cohort through the night.

Pumkin packs up and heads for The Entertainer’s room. In between unpacking and whatnot, she finds the time to take Megan aside to suggest they get rid of Hoopz. Talk about jumping the gun though! They haven’t even gotten their sad voicemail about the next competition, but Pumkin’s got things all planned out. She says if they eliminate Hoopz, the rest of the house is “gonna go fucking nuts and maybe just quit!” Uh, yeah, I’m so sure. All the houseguests are dying for Hoopz to pull off the win! Just as badly as they’re dying for some of Rodeo’s signature barbecue sauce. Speaking of, Rodeo hightails it for a new room as well. She decides to stay with people from the Green Team. It should be noted, of course, that no one gives a hot shit about Pumkin moving but when Rodeo does it, it’s the end of the world! Blonde ass Pumkin loses yet again.

The next morning, the illustrious voicemail comes through! The challenge involves a road trip, and the teams need to pick new captains and suit up quickly. Heather is the only Goldie who hasn’t been captain yet, so she’s basically elected by default. It’s odd to me that the losery girls have been the leaders, but awesome Heather has kind of slept through the whole season. On the Green Team, equally ambitious Megan signs up to perform captainly duties. No one wants her to take the spot, natch, but they can’t really argue when she points out that she’s the only clown who hasn’t partaken.

Megan swears she wants to be captain so she can do what the team wants, which is marvelously dumb reasoning. In that light, why not just let Whiteboy or Real step up this week? There’s no rule that every member has to be captain before someone can repeat the job. Whatever, Megan just lies and I love her so much for it. The team asks her to pinky swear and then to swear on the Bible. Megan, being so very religious, is horrified except she’s not at all. They give her the Bible and she toootally swears on it, with Whiteboy even putting Lily’s paw on the holy book. If Lily Megan gives her word, things are set in stone! PS: this is legitimately one of the cutest I Love Money moments ever, and y’all know there are many.

Shortly after, Rodeo and Hoopz sit around and kvetch with some of the fellas. Hoopz says, “Ain’t shit to talk about, we gotta throw this fucking game,” which seems strange. I hate that I Love Money is outsmarting me here but isn’t Hoopz obsessed with winning? Shouldn’t she just stick with that? Hoopz confirms both she and Rodeo are targets this week, which is all the reason to bring their team to the vault, I suppose! Hoopz is legitimately gorgeous, much more so than the girls who’ve paid to look that way, but then she opens her mouth and lo, it is all shot to shit.

Rodeo leaves the room, claiming to go get some aspirin but really going to speak to Megan, the true headache antidote. She tells Megan she’ll be throwing the competition so none of the Green Team goes home, and Megan is so delighted that she doesn’t have to do anything! I’m equally as delighted, just because her boobs look like those boxing speed bags.

Punch drunk love.

Next it’s time for the challenge, so the groups pack up and head for the Huatulco town square. The competition is called Road Trip Drag. Each team will pick two people to sit in little sleds, designed to look like the tour bus from Rock of Love and the limo from Flavor of Love, and two other team members will drag them around the town square. Mexico’s not known for it’s heat, so this challenge should be easy peasy! The sleds will rest at pit stops designed as Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Jamaica and Paris. In every destination, they’ll consume local food. Everyone knows food challenges are always hard, but they show samples of the food and it’s like…pasta salad. Normal everyday stuff, nothing like pig ears or hot clams. A little anticlimactic, if you ask me.

The Gold Team must choose three people to sit out, since their team is enormous and the Green Team is just sad. Since Rodeo and The Entertainer sat out in the last round, they have to participate in this one. Hoopz bellows that she won’t be sitting out, and the rest of the team kind of accepts that, like, “She said it so it must be true.” Luckily Heather don’t take none of that mess, flatly telling her it’s not her choice. She wonders aloud if Hoopz and Rodeo would try to throw the competition, and Rodeo looks from side to side in the most obvious way ever. Her head seriously spins like she’s in The Exorcist, and that’s her way of being like, “Not me, I didn’t do anything!” If I had any desire to learn how to make GIFs, Rodeo would totally take my GIF virginity. She’ll have to settle for my GILF virginity instead.

Don’t mind me, I’m just looking elsewhere…

Heather probably doesn’t notice because she’s completely bored by this whole thing. This show is a far cry from her nights working at the titty bar, so she can’t even find the energy to care. Still, she chooses The Entertainer and 12 Pack to pull the sleds, and Rodeo and Toastee to ride. That means Heather, Pumkin, and our dear Hoopz will sit out. Rodeo tries to act like she has no plans to throw anything, straight-up hollering, “Put anything in my mouth and I’ll eat it!” While she cackles, The Entertainer asks if she’s serious. I don’t know, Entertainer, try putting your schlong in there and see what happens.

With little fanfare, the competition begins! The first meal is at the Los Angeles pit stop, and the contestants have to eat sushi. Sushi squicks me out but still, as reality food competitions go, eating sushi is pretty freaking luxurious. The Entertainer and Rodeo leave their team struggling, but the Green Team finishes up and takes off. Yay, Greenies! Finally winning something for about 14 seconds!

Nearly 20 minutes later, The Entertainer chokes down his sushi and the Golds are on their way. The meals at the Las Vegas station are buffet style, so they have macaroni salad, mashed potatoes, steak, and shrimp. Predictably, everyone whines. All of this food is fucking good though, what is wrong with these people! I should be so lucky to eat a bowl of mashed taters today. The Greenies make it through the buffet first, and the next stop is jerk chicken in Jamaica. Having never had jerk chicken, I can’t judge if this is a hard challenge but I’m assuming not. People rave about jerk chicken, you jerks.

Brandi just cannot handle this competition, which is kind of really sad. She’s bad at everything but you’d figure eating would appeal to everyone as a fair game. We all eat! Apparently Brandi only slurps dick, however, for she cannot handle small portions of sushi, macaroni salad, and chicken. Similarly, Rodeo vomits, but at least she might be faking hers. It’s genuinely astounding how many of these people can force themselves to puke, like when Mr. Boston garfed all over the place for no real reason a few weeks ago. Once she gets her food down, she screams at 12 Pack, “Swallow, swallow, swallow, 12 Pack! Come on!” It’s neither the first nor the last time 12 Pack will hear such a command.

The Greens take off first and head for their last stop, Paris. The contestants should be counting themselves lucky that they don’t have to eat escargot over there, but they’re still pissed, as usual. They have to eat crepes and okay, upon seeing these crepes, I kind of get it.

More like craps.

Real describes it delightfully, squealing, “It looks like booboo was on it!” Not poopoo. Booboo. Don’t worry, I listened to that part about 79 times just to check, since the use of “booboo” in that sentence truly makes my life worth living. The Green Team can’t freak out about booboo for too long though, since the Goldies are right on their heels. The Entertainer is relieved to see they’re eating tortillas, which they’re not.

Brandi doesn’t share his joy. She starts to puke again, so Megan rubs her back and says, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay” and then just walks away from her. Megan read The Care and Keeping of Friends a lot as a kid. Back on the other team, Rodeo legitimately says, “Might as well enjoy my crepes while I can!” It’s completely obvious she’s throwing the challenge, but also? Completely awesome. She dawdles just long enough for Brandi to finish eating her vomit, and the Green Team wins! For the first time in a month, the Green Team wins!

Real describes it as the greatest comeback in American history, which it isn’t by any stretch of the imagination, of course. Everyone’s so happy though!

So happy I could puke!

As the Gold Team sadly wheels across the finish line, Rodeo stands up to hoot and holler, pretending to ride the sled like a bull. She didn’t want to lose the challenge at all though, don’t get her wrong! Heather immediately says she knows which rider is going in the strongbox, and it ain’t Toastee. Suddenly Rodeo realizes maybe she made a mistake. Go figure, you know?

Things aren’t so great on the Green Team either. Everyone vomits, like a freaking cavalcade of vomit. Hoopz tries to make Whiteboy feel better by telling him she’s proud of him, which is very nice except she does it right in front of her team. It turns out they don’t like that very much, which is shocking on all counts. Heather is pissed, which makes Hoopz pissed, and they have a big fight with so much bleeping that I can’t really determine what happens or who wins. The Entertainer gets involved and they scream back and forth about being team players, but it’s just like sarcastic screaming about how he’s the team player; no, she’s the team player. I do not approve of such sarcasm, so I’ll tell you very honestly: The Entertainer is remarkably calm and not at all resembling a banshee.

CJ congratulates the Green Team on their vomiting spree, and after that, it’s time to kick rocks. On the way home, Whiteboy coaches Megan. He says if anyone speaks to her about elimination, she’s to say, “Hold on, I’m gonna need the co-captain, Whiteboy, present.” Even if I didn’t love Megan, I’d still think that’s remarkably degrading. She’s dumb but she’s not retarded, don’t confuse her with her dog. When Whiteboy was Paymaster, he certainly didn’t have to ask permission to do something. Don’t ruin the tiny bit of affection I have for you, Whitey! Luckily Megan is equally unimpressed, but she goes along with it because she has to. Whiteboy is so taken that he says he’d like to stick his throw-up tongue down her throat. He thinks that’s an actual come-on, too. Turns me on, that’s for sure!

Everyone comes home, and 12 Pack complains that tomorrow’s his birthday and he has to go to the stupid vault on his stupid birthday. To cheer him up, The Entertainer puts on a fashion show.

You know what time it is.

Rodeo and Toastee walk off together to talk strategy. Rodeo knows she’ll be in the box tomorrow, whereas Toastee decides she’ll put herself in. It’s kind of smart on Toastee’s part, actually. It keeps up her image as a brave little Toastee and she’s almost guaranteed to be safe, all at the same time. Rodeo suggests The Entertainer should go instead, and then goes inside to tell Pumkin the same thing. Pumkin’s busy on the phone, gabbing with her cousin Squash, so she couldn’t give a shit. There have to be like 22 hours of downtime in this house, but Rodeo had to pick the one time someone’s doing something? Great planning!

Next on Rodeo’s Tour of Love, she tells Brandi she adores her and also, just FYI, would like to stay in the house. When she asks Megan for safety, Megan says she’s doing whatever Whiteboy tells her. As much as I hate this and think it’s crap anyway, it’s definitely in her best interest to keep saying it. It pins the blame on him, not her, and that’s what leads you to reality victory! Not that any of these clowns know for sure, since 99% of them have never won a show. Here’s lookin’ at you, Hoopz.

The next morning, everyone offers 12 Pack half-hearted birthday wishes. The only person who’s deeply interested is Rodeo, sensing another opportunity to suck up. And she’s right! She decides to make him “his favorite, favorite birthday treat.” It takes a lot of effort.

If he keeps her in the house, she’ll dress up like the Doughboy, too!

Seriously, her big birthday surprise is to shove pre-sliced dough into a pan. It’s a nice gesture but uh, doesn’t quite live up to the hype. Unfortunately she doesn’t even have long to bake it. It’s time for the vault! The loss has taken quite a toll on Heather, it seems, because she looks beat as fuck.

Ready for her close-up.

To start off the vault action, the team votes on whether Rodeo should be in the box. Everyone picks her except Hoopz, so Heather moves to drop the check and Rodeo flips the hell out. She gets legitimately scary, telling Heather not to touch the fucking check, and Heather could not care less. She’s still bored as balls, so she shrugs. It’s fine, it’s less energy for Heather to expend. Rodeo then argues that there isn’t a clear majority, even though there’s a vote of 5 against 2. Not clear at all, right? She screams at Pumkin and Toastee, who also try to look like they don’t care, but they mostly look frightened. That reminds me, why haven’t Rodeo and The Entertainer hooked up yet? There’s a match made in terror.

CJ asks for a revote, and they determine Rodeo’s check will be in the box. This angers her, so she shouts that 12 Pack’s cake is history. Oh noes! Them’s fighting words! They vote on Hoopz next, and she’s sent to the box in the same fashion. She tries to talk shit like she’s fine with it, but it comes across pretty desperate, like when you don’t get invited to a party and you’re like, “Whatever, I didn’t even want to go anyway.” Oh, wait, only me? Okay.

Toastee puts her check in the box, so the vaulting is done! CJ tells the Green Team who’s up for eviction, and he lets them know they’ll be getting wet on the power outing with Megan. The boys are sad they’re not involved. If anyone wants to make Megan wet, it’s them.

The cast heads back to the house, where Rodeo smashes the cookie cake on the counter in rage. I’d make a Hulk joke, but as you can see by the screencap on page one, VH1 does it for me! In confessional, Megan admits Rodeo scares her, but she says it in this odd retard voice. It turns out that’s just how Megan sounds when she’s genuinely amused by something, which almost never happens. Rodeo is to Hulk as Megan is to Rosie the Robot.

Soon it’s time for the power outing, so Megan rounds everyone up and heads out of the house with a drink in her hand. Mexico has no laws about drinking and riding, so it’s fine! Rodeo jumps the gun and asks if she can have the solo time, a proposition Megan essentially ignores. Admittedly Rodeo’s always yappin’, so maybe Megan just didn’t hear the question.

To celebrate the momentous occasion of being Paymaster, Megan brings Lily Megan along with her for the trip. She’s planning on the best day ever, so she’s disappointed when the van pulls up to some kind of dirty river. They’re not dressed for that kind of thing! Lily Megan’s wearing her best crown! It should be noted, the crown is all askew as if to shout, “Behold, I am retarded!” It succeeds.

The river guide explains they’ll be going rafting, but the water’s really calm so it’s not as entertaining as it could be. The highlight is when Rodeo spots a horse, and Megan dares her to jump on top of it. Rodeo, being batshit crazy, happily accepts! The tour guide doesn’t even try to stop her, which is equally awesome. Unfortunately Rodeo can’t quite mount the pony, so Megan and Lily Megan are unimpressed. Insert sad clown music here.

Soon enough, the raft pulls up to a private beach with a big spread for the girls. That’s more their speed, you know? Rodeo immediately takes over as the waitress, catering to Megan and asking, “Mrs. Lily, would you like some Red Bull and vodka?” Then she tells her she’s so sorry and gives Megan a big awkward hug. It’s not clear exactly what she’s sorry for – not offering a drink fast enough? Throwing the game? No matter, Megan kind of shrugs her away in favor of making a speech.

She announces she will not be making any decisions as to who’s going home, nor will Whiteboy. The actual decision maker is Lily! She’s got a good head on her shoulders, after all. Everyone has to take a private moment with Lily to explain why they should stay in the house, so Hoopz is up first. Naturally she thinks this is fucking ridiculous, but to her credit she actually goes along with it, and she’s really adorable with the puppy.

Rodeo, less so.

in confessional, Rodeo says, “It’s kind of hard talking to a dog that is retar–that, that has a mental problem.” She gives it her best effort though, immediately bursting into sloppy tears. She says if she leaves, she has to give up everything in her life, which is genuinely sad and ridiculous. If this is her life, shit’s gone wrong. Toastee, in the best line Toastee’s ever cracked, says she knows Megan wants them to put on a show like they’re talking to Lily, but Rodeo is actually talking to Lily. This is both true and fantastic! Rodeo sobs about how she’ll share the money with Megan, and she really needs the cash because she came to the house with $100. The other girls cannot relate. They’ve got families and parents to fall back on, at least. Rodeo’s freaking 70, she doesn’t have shit. All she has is her clothing line and barbecue sauce, which she namedrops for good measure. It has a lasting impact.

Word!

When everyone’s back at the table, Megan asks why each girl should stay. Hoopz is unconvincing. She talks about how loyal she is, but Megan wisely notes that she’s loyal to other folks, and that means precisely shit to Megan. Then it’s Rodeo’s turn, and she wails about how it was a mistake to ever want Megan to leave. Oh, forgive her, goddess Megan! Rodeo’s wishes are ignored, but she at least gets the private chat, which we all know is uber important.

Rodeo apologizes 400 more times. She’s just so very sorry! The thing is, she can’t come up with anything she’s sorry about. She’s just…sorry. Megan accuses her of being sorry she’s not winning right now, which makes Rodeo pull more distraught faces. Sad panda. The outing is over shortly after, and I’d assume Megan says it’s time to get the fuck out of there, but it sounds like, “Let’s go fuck my hair.” Let’s indeed.

Back at the house, Whiteboy laments that he can’t trust anyone except Real at this point. So much for wanting to tongue-kiss Megan, right? He still tells Brandi and Megan that he, Real and Hoopz are totally with them, and that it would be wise to eliminate Toastee. That doesn’t even make sense to me though. Shouldn’t he want the strongest people out first? If the final challenge is anything difficult at all, it’s not like she’ll even be in the running. He only wants her out since she voted to get Chance out. Also, he’s up Hoopz’s ass so he’d say anything to keep her around.

As soon as Whiteboy leaves the room, Brandi insists they need to eject Hoopz ASAP. Megan disagrees, arguing that they’ll still have to be on a team with Whiteboy and things will be awkward, but Brandi has no time for logic. She brings Pumkin in on things and then says, “Real is out for avengeance.” Brandi is just out for a makeover.

Tranny mess.

As always, it doesn’t really matter what conversations take place. Elimination comes along quickly enough, and that means Megan and Lily Megan have to step into action! None of the bottom three really thinks they’re going home, which means someone will be disappointed and we will all giggle. Megan, it should be noted, is piss ass drunk so she’s giggling too. Admittedly if you’ve ever watched the show, you know her voice isn’t exactly the clearest or brightest, but she sounds drunk as all get-out. She’s doing an even better Paris Hilton impression than she is in her daily life. Needless to say, it’s going to be a good elimination!

Megan calls Toastee up to get her check, saying she’s neither a threat nor is she worth anything. When she adds that Toastee shouldn’t even be there, Heather almost falls prostrate to the ground and squeals like a pig. Always a good time, that Heather! In confessional, Megan says she has to insult Toastee so it doesn’t look like they’re working together, but Toastee’s feelings are still hurt. Inevitably this will come back in a really lame showdown. For now, Toastee settles for thinking Megan’s a useful bitch to have on her side, and that seems to appease her.

Now it’s down to Rodeo and Hoopz. Whiteboy says the only thing that would piss him off, “38 hot, ready to kill” is if Hoopz gets sent home. By the way, I don’t know what any of that means but I’m sure it’s anger-making. Pumkin disagrees, arguing that she risked her life for Megan last week and now she needs to do the same. Come on, blonde ass Megan, do the right thing! She draws the ceremony out for as long as possible, which gives Rodeo plenty of time to weep. Rodeo hopes her fans are praying on the TV screen right now, which…I don’t know what that would do, actually, but I guess it couldn’t hurt?

Megan calls Rodeo up first, but as we all know, things could still go either way! Megan says she used to be scared of Rodeo, but after the day’s big sobfest, she’s no longer afraid. Yay, overcoming fears! Big day in the I Love Money house. Heather makes appropriate delighted faces through the speech, and after a lot of chatter, Rodeo’s check is finally voided and she must head back to her ranch. Hopefully she doesn’t drain her savings account on the way.

Rodeo hopes her time on the show will inspire people to keep going and not give up on anything. She sure won’t – she’ll be back on VH1 in no time! Hoopz takes her check and then moves to stand with the Green Team, running her mouth about how she ain’t got no team. That’s CJ’s cue to announce that from here on, there are no teams. The challenges will be individual, and for that, Whiteboy applauds! Unfortunately it’s one of those claps where no one joins in, so it’s a little embarrassing for everyone involved. That doesn’t mean he stops clapping though, not at all.

If you listen hard enough, you can still hear him!

Next week, all of Whiteboy’s applause finally pays off and Tinkerbell is saved! It’s bound to be a good one.