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There are so many things I adore about VH1, namely the fact that I can watch super trashy celebreality shows just about anytime. The only thing better is how often they repeat I Love New York 2. Seriously, it’s on like 55 times a day. Don’t think I’m lame (you already know that in your heart), but any world in which I can watch this show all the livelong day is a world that’s all right by me. Come along with me, take the I Love New York journey.
We open to Midget Mac in the weight room, explaining that he’s going to start with something light. Really? It baffles me that this tiny little man isn’t benching 300 pounds straight off the bat. He eventually gets so into it that he practically strips down, shirt off and underpants showing while he gets into his handsome workout routine. You know what’s sexier than a regular hum-drum midget? A buff midget, with his rippling biceps on his bulging 4-foot frame.
New York’s bodyguard greets the gentlemen and passes along a note from their lovely lady, which tells them to grab their swimsuits and a gift for her. That’s not ballsy at all! Yours is excited about this, since he’s the man and that’s the thang men do, but Midget Mac is worried. He can’t swim, so putting him in a lake is like tossing in a big flailing brick.
Unsure and Cheezy are rooming together, which is fitting since they’re the geeky white dudes better suited for Beauty and the Geek. (For the record, this situation is not the same, since New York really isn’t a beauty.) Unsure decides to present New York with a gift he originally bought for another girl, and I gotta say, that’s a decision he should be unsure about. Yeah, no, I know that line was a little too much. Cheezy thinks the gift is a bad idea, but don’t worry, Unsure didn’t pay for the gift in the first place! Nothing’s sweeter than a gift you stole for another chick, take my word for it.
The guys pile into a van and head to the lake to meet New York, who’s planted on the opposite side of the water. Each guy has 15 minutes to get himself across the lake and present his gift. Except for the midget, this challenge seems kind of retardedly easy. That said, this challenge could potentially take like three hours, ugh. The three guys with the best gift and the best game get a date with their dream gal.
Yours is up first, so he wisely puts his gift on top of a pool float and sets off in motion. He’s more worried about getting his hair wet than the gift, but he finally makes it to New York’s little island, where she immediately demands the present. It’s going to be like old dryer sheets from his laundry, so she’s both rude and misguided. Sure enough, he pops the present out and it’s a caricature he drew of her. He’s fairly talented, yeah, but unfortunately he made her just a tad on the portly side.
A lil junk in the trunk, and the hood, and the wheels.
Yours is proud of the gift, so New York immediately chastises him since she’s sexy and slender. She’s barely the latter, certainly not the former, but it doesn’t stop her from pitching the gift straight into the lake. She’s just keeping it real, y’all! Also, she’s a bitch. The next fellow is It, who climbs on top of a pool raft and tries his best to paddle on down the river. Sadly, he gets turned around, but he finally makes it out there with minimal success. His gift is a t-shirt he crafted, featuring golden handprints right over the spots where her enormous tatters would rest. He says it’s just so she can always be thinking about him, but really, how can he deny that he was thinking about her breasts while making this? They’re like swollen water balloons, you can’t miss that shit. Regretfully, New York doesn’t dig the shirt, even though he then acknowledges her milk storages. I wish that was my phrasing but It is far more creative than lowly little me.
Midget Mac is on deck! He says he’s scared of water ever since his uncle drowned at a family reunion, which I guess is a pretty legitimate fear. I figured he was just afraid since he’s a midget and he could easily drown even in the shallow end, but I’ll accept his story. He doesn’t even want to put his feet in the water, so to get around that, he loads up in flippers and a huge water vest. All of this shit is just going to weigh him down hardcore, but I can’t complain because it’s amazing! I would so love to recap the show that features the first reality TV death. After letting out a tribal cheer, Mac launches himself atop another float and takes off on his journey. He’s traveling like 20 feet, so it really isn’t that impressive, but it’s fun to make it sound like an epic expedition.
Just keep swimming!
He starts dog-paddling along the lake but out of nowhere, the pool float explodes. This is the kind of stuff that happens on the WWE all the time, a midget will be playing with dynamite to hilarious effects, but I never expected to see it on good ol’ VH1. Midget Mac passes away instantly.
No, not really, but no one makes an attempt to save his life, even though that would probably impress New York. Maybe not though, since she doesn’t exactly dive in either. She thought she’d have a dead midget on her hands! Midget Mac flails and sputters in the water, and in commentary he explains, “Oh shizzle, Mac ’bout to drizzle.” If New York doesn’t pick him, can I have him instead? His skill for conversatin’ really gets me off.
After a long period of Mac gulping down saltwater, Buddha jumps in and saves the day. Unsurprisingly, New York is impressed! Who called it? That’s right, I did! Thanks to Buddha’s help, Mac backstrokes his way to New York, and she’s so very touched by his efforts. She wants to pull him out of the water, but she’s conflicted since she doesn’t want to get her leisure suit wet. More than anything, she wants her present. It’s a custom-made robe but it’s soaked from the lake, drat! Luckily his gift extends into a promise to do anything for her, so she asks if he’d kill for New York. He happily agrees to take 25 years in prison for it, and that delights New York more than anything. How romantic is that, right?
Up next is Unsure, who offers her the Dolce and Gabbana jacket he originally bought for another lady. Remember that? So sweet. It looks amazing on her (her words, not mine) and she gives him some air kisses in return. However, on the other end of the lake, Cheezy reveals Unsure’s secret. The other dudes find this appalling, especially The Entertainer. When the assholes on I Love New York think you’ve made a mistake, shit is really going poorly in your life.
Several other guys come up after Unsure, but their glamorous gifts can’t compare. One gives her a soaked box of Godiva chocolates, which she tosses in the water, and then she receives some kind of chocolate sex game. That’s not even an exaggeration, that’s pretty much what the box says. Knock Out informs her, “The intentions of it at all was not kinky.” The chocolates are all ruined, of course, because keeping an object out of water is pretty damn close to impossible. New York proves this theory by pushing Knock Out off her island.
That don’t impress me much.
Buddha offers her a large teddy bear, which is miraculously dry. How could he pull that off?! You’d think he used common sense or something. New York is more interested in his dick than his teddy bear, but before she can fuck him, his time is up. Tailor Made comes up to take his turn, giving her a pair of Manolos. Since he actually paid for these on his own without stealing them for another girl, the gift goes over pretty well. New York says he really knows a woman’s heart. This is awfully impressive since he had to scour beneath those gargantuan breasts to find it.
New York joins the fellows on their side of the lake, although she doesn’t swim across it like they did. She had a great time, and she’ll be going on a date with the guy who looked best in his bathing suit. That award goes to Buddha, which isn’t really as much of a compliment as it sounds. He’s flattered but it’s kind of a roundabout way of being like, “Well, your gift sucked, but I guess your ass made up for it.” She’s also going with the guy who gave her the best present, and that’s Tailor Made. Too bad Unsure didn’t win. If nothing else, it could’ve provided for some good drama when the jacket story finally came out.
The solo date goes to the man who put forth the most effort to get across the lake, and oh hell yeah, you know who’s the winner! It’s our boy Midget Mac, sans his awesome floatation device. He feels like break-dancing, which is understandable, since New York has very high standards when it comes to dating. After all, she boned Flava Flav.
Back at the house, Mac prepares for his date, and I’m really not giving him special favor by writing about him all the time. VH1 loves him too! Sista comes down the stairs with her big old titties and they head off for dinner together, where she talks about his finer qualities. For example, she thinks he’s cute and loves his hair. He’s starting to grow on her! See, this is funny because Mac is a midget, and midgets don’t actually grow. As they eat, she says she wants to dress his salad, but I swear to God I thought she was going to say, “I want to dress you up.” Holy shit, nothing in the world could make me happier than New York dressing Midget Mac in costumes. I really, really want him to wear one of those little princess dresses from Disney World.
She slathers his salad in ranch dressing, and they have a weird exchange about how any man who loves ranch has a special place in her heart. I really don’t know if “ranch” means “jizz,” so I’m confused. He walks her home after the date, although it should be noted that the date is in the backyard, but he doesn’t get a kiss goodnight. She says if she kissed him, it would feel like kissing a toddler. Oh New York, you just stole my punchline.
She comes inside to fuck the other guys, and sadly enough, Yours is stone cold sleeping even though it’s 8:37 PM. He’s all tucked into bed like a bug in a rug, too, so it’s not even like he passed out drunk somewhere. Bro just wanted a nap. New York gets over it quickly though, since she’s an elegant gal, and a few of the guys ask to speak to her in private. Usually that’s code for “May we go down on you in unison?” but this time you know it’s to talk about Unsure’s stealing habits. They tell her the news, and we find out some news of our own: New York doesn’t like gossip. Which, I mean, totally – I’ve never seen her talk shit or anything. The guys all agree with that statement since they suffer from retardation.
New York at her dayjob, the Make a Wish foundation.
She calls Unsure over to discuss, but he confesses in about 14 seconds. This makes for a sort of shitty confrontation, but okay. It was originally for his sister, who hated it, and then he passed it onto New York. Don’t worry, she hates it now too. Her main reason for hating it is that it’s too big, so his sister must be a fat cow or something. He clears it up in an elaborate sort of way that no one would ever really accept, but good ol’ New York goes for it.
The guys aren’t as cool with it now though, even though before they thought it was the bee’s knees. Knock Out accuses him of being a scrub and threatens to beat his bitch ass. New York hears the fight and then pleasures herself with glee, but she’s a little peeved that he’d rather fight than get to know her. I don’t know if I can blame him, really, but nothing comes of it. Sigh, all talk and no game.
Meanwhile, Tailor Made phones the local florist to order three dozen roses for New York. Yes, you’re exactly right: three dozen is very excessive. He says he’s courting her just like he usually courts women, but a guy who says “courts” typically isn’t getting very much action anyway. Buy yourself Romance for Dummies, ass. The next morning he’s slaving away over a love poem or some shit, and meanwhile, Yours is still asleep after 15 hours. If he woke up to a wet dream, it would be pretty freaking marvelous, but the footage cuts away to the afternoon so I guess we’ll never know. Sad sad panda indeed.
The butler delivers a note about how Midget Mac and New York got their mack on last night. Except…they didn’t? But anyway, today she’s dating Tailor Made and Buddha. To prepare, Tailor Made applies a pretty faggy face mask. Skin is important and all, but dude. Memo to Tailor Made: you are queer.
Homo of the Opera.
After doing the other guys in the ass, Tailor Made heads off for the date with Buddha. New York is taking them go-karting, since that’s a good way to get to know people better. The fastest driver will win some extra time with her, goodie! They’re only going one lap so this could lead to some pretty competitive crashing, but the most we really get is Buddha yelling, “You’re gonna die, brotha!” Sexy. He runs into Tailor Made ever so slightly, and that’s enough to give Buddha the win.
Back at the house, the doorbell rings and our charming buddy It answers the door. It’s Tailor Made’s flower delivery, which I guess he forgot about since he wasn’t concerned about the lack of them prior to the date. The delivery doesn’t have anyone’s name on it, so somehow It assumes he ordered them, which is beautiful on so many counts. I want It to father my babies. He’s so quick on his feet! When he doesn’t have money to tip the delivery person, he offers her the lemon he’s currently chewing on. How thoughtful, right you guys? I’m so in love!
Over dinner at the race track, Buddha reveals he ended his last relationship with a restraining order. I’m personally pretty eager to shack up with anyone who might have a crazy stalker coming back into his life, so when New York is immensely turned on by this statement, I can completely relate. We sistas are in this together. New York says that whenever a man has to take out a restraining order on a female, that means he was doing something right. Um, really? That’s what it means? New York and I have very different definitions on modern society. That was my college thesis statement, by the way. The abstract for that paper was wicked impressive.
New York questions Tailor Made about his family relationships. He has a daughter, and he was with the baby mama for 10 years. He was married for 3 and a half years after that, and he’s currently finalizing his divorce. Basically, this means Tailor Made is old as shit. It also means he’s technically still married, which New York finds pretty offensive. Like she’s never screwed a married guy before, right? Buddha breaks the tension by asking Tailor Made if he’s going to eat that macaroni. I completely love that the dude named Buddha is obsessed with eating.
New York asks Tailor Made to leave so she can spend more time with Buddha, and she makes it more awesome by instructing him to take his plate to the bleachers. Ooooh, Tailor Made’s in timeout, y’all. He basically takes a nap while Buddha and New York talk about loving black women. They leave Tailor Made on the bleachers to pick his nose, but somehow he catches a ride home to chill at the house with the other fellas.
Now I ain’t sayin’ he’s a golddigger, but…
As they return from the date, It is holding the bouquet of flowers with a delightfully guilty expression. Tailor Made explains in confessional that he’d been waiting for that delivery, which we can clearly see is true, since he was just sleeping and pulling boogers out of his nostril. There’s a great drunken exchange that could never be transcribed, featuring It explaining how he ordered the roses himself, and ultimately he steals them for good. Tailor Made completely pusses out and lets him get away with it. Love it! Tailor Made just has tons of money to piss away. At least he doesn’t blow it on nose candy; he just makes his own.
New York comes downstairs and It presents the flowers, which blow her mind. She might’ve expected this from another dude, but It? No way! Of course all of this is phrased as though she absolutely knows the truth, but I’m sure that can’t be true, since VH1 is so super professional. She gives It a kiss on the cheek, which he then wrangles into a kiss on the mouth. It’s less romantic and more like mouth rape. Poor It – the kiss does not go well. In New York’s own words, “His tongue was covered in mucous, it stunk, and it messed up my tongue so I took off immediately.” Wow. I just got the biggest boner.
Buddha pulls It aside to ask how he could’ve possibly ordered flowers when, you know, he didn’t order them. His reply is completely unintelligible, which makes me think maybe he’s not drunk; he’s just fucking crazy. He says his friend Larry Frizburn brought the flowers in from New York, completely predicting the super secret location of I Love New York 2. No one has any idea who Larry Frizburn could be, but ManMan realizes It means Laurence Fishburne, the actor. Laurence Fishburne has superpowers! Also, It is officially nuts.
In Cheezy and Unsure’s bedroom, Unsure confesses that he’s unsure about his fate in the house. Haha, get it? He says he never signed up for all this and can’t deal with it. Um, he can’t deal with being called out for stealing and re-gifting? That’s a shame. He says he never would’ve signed up for the show if he knew it would be this way. Unsure has never watched a reality show in his life. Cheezy, who’s starting to resemble Screech from Saved by the Bell, promises not to tell New York about Unsure’s fears. After all, they promised nothing would ever leave that bedroom. Well, except for when Cheezy leaked that whole jacket secret. Whoooops.
Outside, Cheezy immediately tells New York that Unsure doesn’t care if he goes home. She heads upstairs to talk to him, and he confesses he’s going back to Miami, where people tell the truth. Yeah, that’s what Miami’s known for. She laughs in his face and then decides to send him home since he’s a wimp. She had to eliminate three people tonight anyway, so now it’s only two! Jubilee!
Elimination is rolling in, so Tailor Made knocks on New York’s boudoir door. Since New York still happens to be hung up on that silly thing like his current marriage, he feels like he needs to pull out all his cards. He means credit cards, by the way. He says he’ll give her anything she wants, so she asks to speak to his wife. She’s kind of going out of her way for a phone threeway, right? She could just ask directly, gosh.
Mrs. Tailor Made is thrilled to speak with New York, superstar that she is. She wants to know why they split up, and it turns out Tailor Made is a bit of a workaholic. That doesn’t bother New York too much. She’s mostly pissed that if he died right now, she wouldn’t reap any benefits; they’d all go to his wife, and we simply can’t have that! She asks Mrs. Tailor Made if there’s a chance she’ll want him back in the future, and the clip ends with New York offering an ominous “Really?” I Love New York is really rockin’ the cliffhanger here.
It’s time for the elimination ceremony, so Sister Patterson waddles in for the proceedings. This episode hasn’t featured as much SP as I usually like, which is awfully depressing. New York looks surprisingly hot for the ceremony, so she wastes some time yakking about the dudes, mostly so they’ll have a few more seconds to stare at her. In the middle of her speech, she suddenly notices Unsure standing with the other guys. It makes sense to me that he’d attend the eviction ceremony, but New York is positively baffled. She questions him very calmly, as is her way, and then politely hands him the Dolce and Gabbana jacket he’d given her. Well, actually she tosses it in his face, but it’s the same premise. Then she literally kicks his ass.
The first chain goes to Buddha, since he’s exceptionally wonderful and they had a great time together. She doesn’t even feel like she has to ask if he loves New York; she just knows. Where’s Wolf? Remember when she knew he had a big dick? Ah, memories. The next chain goes to Midget Mac, since he makes her laugh. Midgets tend to be hilarious since they’re very small, so I get it. He does a cartwheel in celebration and Sister Patterson just about covers her face in fear. I love that this dude squicks her out so much. Little people are like the last people you should ever be afraid of; just ask Santa, he hires them as elves every winter.
The Entertainer gets the next chain, even though Sister Patterson hates him. I can never tell him and Tailor Made apart since they’re both about 1000 years old, and also white. You know all those white folks look the same. New York picks ManMan next, followed by Punk, who we’ve barely seen since the season premiered. She calls Cheezy down too, in order to fulfill her fantasy of fucking Dustin Diamond.
After a few more indeterminate guys, New York picks Wolf and his dick. Sister Patterson is censored but I believe she calls him Cockface, which is awesome! Preach on, lady. New York’s next choice is a hard one. She wasn’t sure if she could keep this guy around or not, but after he brought her the roses, she realized It is really a contender. He celebrates and Tailor Made shoots lasers out of his head.
Smiling with his eyes.
Tailor Made doesn’t want to confront It, but delightfully enough he goes through with it anyway! After a brief explanation, Sister Patterson realizes It is a liar. She doesn’t seem to know he’s crazy yet, but Sister Patterson is a few cards short of a deck anyway, so that’s to be expected. He fumbles for words before revealing that technically, he didn’t buy any roses. New York gives him a chain even though he’s a crazy mofo. Since he recited a poem, I’m assuming that’s what won her heart. “Roses are red, violets are blue, you got pink roses so it ain’t come from you,” he tells Tailor Made. That’s so beautiful, let me pause to wipe this tear from my eye.
There’s only one chain remaining, and it’s down to Tailor Made, Knock Out, and Yours. Yours has been sleeping since the challenge at the lake, so let’s be honest, his chances are a little slim. After a lot of deliberation, New York decides to give Tailor Made a second shot, which makes Yours crumple over and grab his dick. Seriously, he pretty much starts jerking it right there during the elimination ceremony. I know that seems romantic but dude, at least wait until the camera’s turned off.
Despite his marriage and bad hair plugs (because he’s 60), New York wants to keep Tailor Made around. Mrs. Tailor Made informed her they’d never be getting back together, and she also added that TM has love for New York, so she knew she couldn’t let him go. What a sweet story! Yours flips his fucking shit after TM gets his chain, so his departure is for the best. In confessional, New York reveals why she sent Knock Out packing, too. “The thing I don’t like about Knock Out is his face. He looks like a pinto bean with eyes,” remarks New York. Can’t say it any better than that, girl! Word.
Next week, The Entertainer sucks on New York’s toes in the bathtub. Next week, that scene makes me violently ill.
Thoughts or comments? Leave ‘em for me!