I Love New York 2: Toeing the Line

This week on I Love New York 2 marks one of the most revolting moments in all of reality TV history. Not that I’ve ever watched Fear Factor or anything, or that I’ve kept my eyes open during any of the gross things that happened on Survivor. So yeah, I’m pretty trustworthy when it comes to this topic! Of course, if you don’t believe me, you can always find out more after the jump.

The show opens to the guys playing pool, generally having as good a time as you can in the I Love New York house. Sadly, Tailor Made isn’t enjoying his time quite as much, so he seeks out Midget Mac for some advice. I love the idea of that, like Midget Mac is so worldly. I guess it makes sense, since he can see a lot from his height. For example, he can tell you every color of gum stuck to the bottom of a table. Bless you, Mac! Tailor Made rags on The Entertainer for making cracks about Midget Mac’s height, like making fun of him for driving a Tonka Truck. I’m actually jealous that I didn’t think of that first, so clearly this whole segment is lost on me.

After hearing about this, Midget Mac gets pissed as hell and races up the stairs, which delights me deep down in my core. He tries to pick a fight with The Entertainer, which isn’t exactly intimidating or threatening in any way. It’s just a little boy yelling crazily. Tailor Made gets involved too, saying he thinks it’s discriminatory that The Entertainer says Midget Mac takes long in the bathroom because he has a small bladder. That’s actually just kind of dumb, but The Entertainer is winning some points with me for being a dick. He erupts into screams of “Fuck you!” towards Tailor Made, and since Midget Mac wants the attention back on him, he mounts the table like a pony and rides it into argument victory.

I got friends in low places.

The Entertainer goes completely batshit, threatening to kill Tailor Made. As I’ve said before and will continue to say in every recap ever, it’s my life’s goal to recap the show that features the first reality TV death, so I’m totally rooting for a showdown. Sadly it doesn’t happen, since The Entertainer loves New York and doesn’t want to leave, and blahblah, pussycakes.

Since everyone’s piss-ass drunk, some of the guys decide to play a prank at 1:30 AM. Buddha’s the brains behind the operation, postulating that they should wake everyone up and announce they have to compete in a challenge. (You know black guys on reality shows always postulate, right?) Punk narrates their plan, and it features some houseguests we’ve barely ever seen, like Pretty and 20 Pack. Even the other dudes in the house are like, who?

The guys set the scene with an old message from New York, propping it up in the backyard surrounded by candles, to make it look super official. Buddha plans to read the message and say that New York appreciates a man with patience, and whoever stands outside the longest will win a special date. Holy fucking shit, Buddha has to win this show. He’s attractive and conniving, aka perfect! A generic black guy (Pretty, maybe?) decides the prize will be breakfast with New York, and this is all so perfect I’m kind of wetting my pants over it.

Buddha excitedly says Tailor Made will stand out there all night, and on that note, the guys run inside to break the news. Midget Mac moons the camera on his way out of bed, which is fully revolting. He must’ve been in the middle of a diaper change or something. Everyone actually looks pretty good once they get dressed, which is impressive! On shows like Hell’s Kitchen, everyone drags themselves out for early challenges in their ratty bed clothes, but I guess all of these guys actually have love for New York. That, or they’re incredibly vain.

Buddha fakes the challenge perfectly, and Cheezy gleefully shares that he can stand out there all night. Oh, please do! I’d love to see him get so sleep-deprived that he goes all Dustin Diamond on us and performs a porn tease for the camera. Everyone lines up, and Buddha gives in a little after 3 AM. Several other dudes follow shortly after, but Tailor Made vows to stand for as long as it takes, which makes me do the Snoopy Dance with sheer joy. By 5:47 AM, there are only three contestants left. Tailor Made and It are basically standing against each other and dozing off, while Cheezy rests against a palm tree. He wusses out shortly before the sun comes up, but lo, Tailor Made and It are strong! They shall survive! They shall be made to look like asses!

Hours later, New York comes out in her sleeping cap for an early morning smoke, which I find a little hard to believe since you know she smokes in bed. She’s one of those “stars” who will burn her place down when she falls asleep with a cigarette in her mouth. She asks Tailor Made and It what the hell they’re doing outside, and It immediately explains what Buddha did during the night. This is all a little scripted, methinks. You’d imagine he’d be like, “Uh, we’re out here for your challenge,” but whatevskies. New York tells them there’s no challenge, so basically they stood outside for seven hours for nothing. She doesn’t even offer to eat breakfast with them for their trouble, since she says everyone knows she’s not a breakfast person. Sad panda! It would be so fantastic if she eliminated them tonight and was like, “If you guys really had love for me, you’d know I don’t enjoy eggs.” That said, she does have a fondness for sausage.

Tailor Made goes inside and asks who read the note last night, to which Wolf answers, “Y’all been out there since last night?” Way to kick him when he’s down! Wolf proceeds to make fun of him all through his ranting and raving, and finally Tailor Made grabs at a light bulb and tries to crush it with his bare hands. The light stays on just fine, but the editors add a glass breaking noise for effect anyway. Thanks, guys! So profesh.

The butler calls everyone down for a note from New York, specifically asking Buddha to read it. Tailor Made’s hair plugs explode from his skull due to all his pent-up anger. The letter says New York’s looking for a man who can help her build her brand and her bank account. Nothing like subtlety, right ladies? The guys will be split into teams, and they’ll have two hours to come up with a plan to build her empire, as New York is incapable of working on her own. Then they’ll present the plan to her, along with Sister Patterson and a very special guest. The winning team will get some private time with New York, and the team member who stands out the most will get to have sex with her on top of the dining room table. Actually they’ll just get a solo date, but that’s usually what it boils down to anyway.

The first team consists of Cheezy, It, and Tailor Made, probably because they were the last three jackasses standing outside all night. They’re basically asleep as soon as they get their team assignments, so you know they’ll come up with a really impressive project. Hopefully Cheezy will suggest something from the mind of his Saved by the Bell alter ego, and he’ll want New York to design a line of pocket protectors. The next group is Wolf, Buddha, and an attractive Hispanic kid I swear I’ve never seen before.

What a beautiful sky! That’s not a cardboard backdrop at all!

They don’t even mention the Hispanic kid’s name, so I’d love to imagine it’s something really racist, like Chalupa. No matter, Buddha’s pretty confident about the team and his ideas. Unfortunately, he really shouldn’t be. His ideas are like, New York should have her own line of cars. That doesn’t sound like a terrible move at all, right? Who wouldn’t go to a dealership and pick a Tiffany Patterson over a BMW? Another idea is a New York book of etiquette. Yes, sure. She’ll start writing that just as soon as she finishes calling this guy a retard, and telling that guy his breath smells like his mama’s vag. Chalupa suggests they do something with iPods, which seems to go over pretty well. I hope they create a skin that’s just a big picture of her breasticles.

The next team is our boys ManMan, Midget Mac, and The Entertainer. They all have the creativity of a second grade art class, so they promptly set off to find the best sheet of stickers to use. The Entertainer’s idea is to sell cologne at $200 a bottle, which would absolutely never happen. ManMan agrees the idea is ridiculous, especially since The Entertainer tops it off by tying some sort of cape to it. This would totes help the Superman brand, but probably not New York. The Entertainer says he’d definitely pay $200 for it since the bottle would last him for at least a year, and Midget Mac nods like he relates, although he does not. Let’s face it: a sample size of cologne lasts Midget Mac for decades.

Pretty, Mr. Wise, and Punk decide to work on a fashion line. Punk brags about how great the team will be, since they all actually have an education, but there’s no way they’ll win. Their plan is to involve Sister Patterson in the fashion line and market it towards middle-aged women, and you know the second they insinuate that Sister Patterson is middle-aged, her rage kettle will explode with hot buttery rage corn. She’s such a young spry chicken!

Cheezy, It, and Tailor Made decide to do something called a blaxploitation film (you can thank Wikipedia for the spelling), to which I say: uh, really? Doesn’t sound like something New York’s going to eat up. It agrees with me and suggests something even more marvelous – portable AIDS tests! That’s right up New York’s alley. What slut doesn’t need an at-home AIDS test, you know? Thank God It is on this show, he’s going to change the world for the better.

Cheezy tries to pitch the movie idea again, saying it’ll be a remake of Foxy Brown, and It acts like he understands. Then he says, “She fights crime. She makes sure that girls are having sex with condoms on.” That’s actually what all my favorite crime-fighters do. My favorite episode of Batman is the one where he’s all, “Hold up, Mr. Freeze. Wrap your willy before you get silly.” Just as Tailor Made changes the subject to whine about getting 45 minutes of sleep last night, the butler announces time is up. Needless to say, things don’t look good for Team Moron.

Everyone loads into vans and drives to meet up with New York, Sister Patterson, and another random gal. She doesn’t seem that important, especially since Sister Patterson’s hideous new weave is stealing focus.

She’s Cleopatra, comin’ atcha!

New York introduces the other lady, celebrity publicist Siri Garber. New York says she needs a publicist because she’s a huge star who’s only getting bigger, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with her being spectacularly rude at all times. Some of Siri’s other clients include Jeremy Piven and Paris Hilton, so yeah, I’m sure she’s working with New York because of her clean-cut image.

In confessional, New York confides that her therapist says she has too many issues with depending on men and their money. Wait, she has issues? Holy shit, I gotta sit down for a minute and wrap my mind around this one. Luckily New York has a handle on it, so instead of depending on their money, she’ll just have them earn some for her. Perfecto!

The first team up is Chalupa (who is actually named 20 Pack), Wolf, and Buddha. Their iPod is devoted strictly to New York, so it includes her sassiness, her caringness, her sexiness, and I would imagine her smelliness. You know she must reek like an old ashtray. They try to impress her by explaining that the iPod comes loaded with seasons one and two of her show. Oh, hoopty hoo! New York really doesn’t give a shit about any of this, but she starts to fantasize about having sex with Buddha on the presentation table. Dude, who called that?! I win!

ManMan, Midget Mac, and The Entertainer have to present their embarrassing bottle of cologne next. Siri wonders why they think perfume is a good product for New York. It would be awesome if they were like, “Uh, because she stinks” but instead the guys just grin goofily. Amazingly New York doesn’t go for the bottle and its cape, so The Entertainer blames ManMan for the whole project, since he did most of the speaking. Of course it was all The Entertainer’s idea, but hey, what can you do? Midget Mac asks if they’d like to hear the slogan, so he hops onto the table and yells, “Smells so good, it makes you want to slap your mama!” That actually impresses New York, but I think Midget Mac could light his farts on fire and she’d still be into it. She just wants to dress him up like a babydoll, that’s the root of her attraction.

The next presentation is by the group titled Pretty Wise Punk, which is actually fairly clever. They changed their fashion line to clothing for juniors and young adults, and it’s really kind of awesome. Cardboard cut-outs of New York are dressed in sample outfits, and they have plans to hire young urban designers for the company. New York is digging it, at least until they say the brand represents “knowing you look unbelievably voluptuous.” Had to screw it up, right? New York is offended since voluptuous basically means fat, and she knows how to squeeze her ass into a size two. I have no idea where the hell her tits go when she’s wearing that size two, but I guess that’s why they’re always jiggling out of her tops.

New York says the last group will really have to impress her, since Pretty Wise Punk had their act together, with the exception of calling her a lard-ass. Naturally, the last three guys are sound asleep in the waiting room. Somehow they rouse themselves to do their presentation, which Cheezy thinks is all kinds of spectacular. It can’t possibly go well when the geeky white dude is suggesting something about how black she is, but he’s soiling himself with anticipation. Their film is titled BAB: Bad Ass Bitch, Shut Yo Mouth. Uh. I kind of don’t know what to make of that.

Sensing that the presentation might go awry, It takes over and does it in character, wearing some kind of military helmet. He’ll be playing the protector in the movie, which makes sense. He seems like he’d be the perfect guy to rely on in an emergency. Siri requests a demonstration of the action scenes in the film, so Tailor Made plays an angry robot and It stops him with cries of, “Hey, hey.” Impressive. Cheezy steps up to give a synopsis of the film, and it stars NY-Tifahontas, who fights men who disrespect women. What’s frightening is that New York is actually nodding along like she loves it. She starts clapping when he says the film will make $60 million domestically, and oh my God, this is all so stupid. I’m someone who watched and loved Temptation Island on a weekly basis, so it’s saying a lot that I Love New York is getting too silly for me to handle.

After a short while, New York heads back to the mansion to announce the results. She thought ManMan, Midget Mac, and The Entertainer’s presentation was awful, but she enjoyed Mac’s little outburst at the end. For Buddha, 20 Pack, and Wolf, she says Apple came up with that shit five years ago. Admittedly their presentation was pretty craptastic, but wow, I’d love to take New York to a store so she could see the many different types of iPods, since apparently she is unfamiliar.

While that presentation was bad, she loved the movie idea! However, she thought the character was a little over the top. New York is pretty low-key, so I understand where she’s coming from. Finally she gets to Pretty Wise Punk, and she loved pretty much everything about their presentation, yet somehow, the freaking film idea wins. Seriously. Team Moron pulls it off, and everyone in the LA area shows up at New York’s door to be like, “Wait, what the fuck?” The whole entire project is sad, but they get the win and she grants Tailor Made the solo date. On the spot, Cheezy cries himself a river.

He vents to different guys in the house and mostly just paces around, saying he’s experiencing rage. Wow, he’s really The Hulk. He walks like two miles before timidly confronting Tailor Made, asking to be accompanied to speak to New York. That’s pretty manly right there, but somehow Tailor Made turns down that little proposal. Cheezy drags his feet but heads upstairs to find her, and she’s kind of adorably sweet. He tells her he did most of the work, and she replies that since Tailor Made isn’t there to defend himself, then she’ll go on the date with Cheezy. All jokes aside, I’m genuinely pretty impressed at how nicely she behaved herself. I’m not rooting for Cheezy at all, but aw, the geeky dude wins this round!

Downstairs, Cheezy tells Tailor Made he’ll be taking the date, if that’s okay and all. Tailor Made immediately agrees and tells him to have a good time, and then he turns around and asks New York why he’s not getting the date. He says his strategic vision brought the presentation together, and blah blah, he deserves the date. She says they’ll go out tonight, and then she tells the camera that she doesn’t care about all this shit. She’s just going to pick the guy she wants to fuck. Way to negate all the nice things I just said about you, Tif! They say you can only count on death and taxes, but I guess we can also be sure that New York will be an enormous asshat whenever possible. She chooses Tailor Made for the date, and while I absolutely agree that he’s more fuckable than Cheezy, she’s a total bitch.

New York and Tailor Made head off for their date, which takes place at a fine jewelry store. If she makes him buy her an engagement ring here, I will just pee all over. The clerk guides them to a table where their dinner is set up, and um, this is all very odd. Who goes to a jewelry store to eat a steak dinner? I love me some jewelry, but I don’t know that I’d ever sit down for a meal inside Zales.

Tailor Made confesses that he’d like to spend the rest of his life with her, to which New York says she can’t blame him. He must be attracted to how modest she is. After they eat, the clerk brings over a piece New York ordered. I have absolutely no idea what it is, but Tailor Made kisses her on the mouth for it. It looks like some kind of silver crest, but it’s the size of a yam and it hangs down past his nipples. If either one of them thinks this looks good, they are mistaken, but he prances around with it proudly. Sad.

Back at the house, Cheezy’s still steaming over losing the date. He and Buddha complain that Tailor Made shook Cheezy’s hand, and then he went back on their gentlemen’s agreement. Everyone decides Cheezy needs to speak up for himself, but for the most part all he seems to do is pace and yap about how he’s so pissed. Ugh, nerds are obnoxious.

Tailor Made arrives home from the date and shares that the more he gets to know New York, the more he realizes she’s the *** ***. Whatever he says is censored, but I’ve decided he realized she’s the fucking tits. That’s just one of my favorite sayings, but also, New York has large breasts. Not sure if you noticed. Cheezy approaches and starts yelling about how Tailor Made backstabbed him. Tailor Made responds by laughing heartily in his face, so I’d say that issue is all cleared up.

A letter is waiting for the gentlemen in the morning, and It reads it with his mouth full of breakfast. Man, he just gets sexier by the minute. The letter says It and Cheezy proved they know how to show New York the money, so now they’ll get a sneak peek of her looking her hottest. Basically, they will pay her and she will be their whore. On cue, New York comes downstairs in her best prostitute costume, which is apparently made of holiday wrapping paper.

Ho ho ho!

The date takes place at Pink Kitty Studios, which means they’ll be participating in some pornography, I’d imagine. They’re actually dressing up for fantasy photo shoots, so it’s close enough. New York puts on her outfit, which squishes her breasts so much that they’re actually white from all that pressure. Cheezy kind of hangs back in terror, but It is into her biracial boobies. He also grabs her bare ass, all while Cheezy stands back and twiddles his thumbs.

New York chooses It for the first shoot, so they take some dirty pictures of him licking her while they play pool. She appreciates that he’s sexually aggressive, but it seems the photographer isn’t as much of a fan, since she stops shooting when It starts licking New York’s ass cheeks. Imagine that! That’s seriously saying a lot, when someone takes filthy pictures for a living and she’s like, “Wow, this is out of line.” When they leave the shoot talking about how hot it was, Cheezy knows he has to step up his game, so he does the obvious thing during his session. He strips down.

This picture makes my soul sad.

New York doesn’t think Cheezy is sexy, which is fairly obvious, but she’s impressed at how hard he’s trying for her. She even thinks they look great together in the pictures, although she’s turning her head away and generally acting pretty repulsed. As you know, the only thing to do when a guy disgusts you is to chain him up, so they start acting out some S&M fantasies for the camera. Cheezy basically jizzes everywhere instantly. New York assures us she loves beating him, and she especially loves that she can do it and he’ll enjoy it. That’s not a sign of her having something wrong, not at all! How dare that cross your mind.

Everyone heads back to the mansion, and New York encourages the guys to hang the pictures up in the house. Ew, please don’t. Thoroughly satisfied with her date, she makes her way to her bathroom, where someone is creepily running a bath in her tub. I’m incredibly germ-phobic, so oh my God, the idea of sprawling out for a wash in someone else’s bathroom is making all my skin fall off. New York screams when she sees The Entertainer chilling in some bath water, but once he offers her a massage, she climbs right in. Doesn’t even bother to change out of her dress! That wrapping paper has gone to waste now, sigh.

The Entertainer immediately grabs her feet and starts rubbing them on his face, and one second later, her big toe is in his fucking mouth. Even if you’re not crazed about germs, that is so foul! New York climaxes right away as he sucks and licks in between her toes. I want to say more about this but as I’m gagging, I cannot. New York says any doubts she had about The Entertainer vanished as soon as he put her entire foot in his mouth. Luckily for her, he offers to do the other one once he’s successfully licked all the lint out from the crevasses of her toes. Dude, The Entertainer is messed up.

Their revolting bath is interrupted by a knock on the door, and Tailor Made is waiting for her outside. She asks how he’s doing, and he says he’d be doing a lot better if he didn’t just see The Entertainer walking out of her room. “What are you talking about? This is my house,” she answers, and that’s sort of delightfully sassy. She can be a huge wank, but she has a point there. Tailor Made counters that she doesn’t know what’s going on inside the house, and instead of queening out about how she’s the HBIC, she’s flattered that he wants to look out for her. Oh New York, you are a special case indeed.

Tailor Made says The Entertainer frightens him, and I have to agree, if only just because he put her fucking toes in his mouth. Word to the wise: I will mention this all season. (Feel free to tell me something that disgusts you and I’ll rag on that as well! Interactive!) He thinks The Entertainer is violent and unstable, and he’s not comfortable having him around New York unsupervised. Of course, The Entertainer probably wouldn’t throw a shit-fit if Tailor Made didn’t instigate arguments, but hey. New York is a little puzzled by this news, since someone who sucks her feet couldn’t possibly be crazy.

It’s time for the elimination ceremony, and the guys all offer a round of applause when New York comes downstairs. She looks very good, but Cheezy is sort of over-the-top excited about it.

Do I make you horny, baby?

New York sees a lot of potential in some of the guys, but that’s not enough. If they want to be there, they have to show her their dick. Actually it was bleeped out, so she could’ve said, “Show me your shit” just as easily, but that’s a whole ‘nother fetish that I’m not sure we should get into. Suffice it to say, New York’s X-rated.

Her first chain goes to a man who’s been wonderful, and that’s Tailor Made. She truly believes he’s here for her, and that’s why he told her he thinks The Entertainer is a psychopath. He clearly wouldn’t tell her that for TV or just to start crap! In commentary, The Entertainer says he’s bothered by Tailor Made’s statement, but that he would definitely fuck his ass up. Comments like that make him look totally sane, by the by.

The second chain goes to It, in a hilarious twist. Punk comes down next, followed by Buddha. New York’s not sure Buddha has love for her anymore, and in confessional he admits his disgust for Tailor Made surpasses his love for New York. It would be so awesome if he gave up his chain for that reason, but unfortunately nothing comes of it. Luckily Midget Mac gets the next necklace, lifting everyone’s spirits! He does a cartwheel at New York’s request and then asks Sister Patterson for a handshake and hug, since she’s looking “so fine like wine.” Actually, her bra is showing, but I suppose we should be grateful she’s wearing one at all.

The next two chains are for Pretty and 20 Pack, and then it’s time to make some tough decisions. She chooses Wolf, because she hasn’t forgotten about his huge wang, and then Mr. Wise. Cheezy is outraged since he let her beat the semen out of him, and The Entertainer is pissed off, too. He says if Tailor Made ruined his chances, there’s going to be big problems for him, but I think Tailor Made already has some issues to think about. What the fuck is on his face in this shot?

Herpalicious?

Is that New York’s lipstick or does Tailor Made have a condition? Whatever it is, no es bueno. There’s no time to stop and think about it though, as it’s time to give away the last necklace. It was a hard decision, and she thinks he may be crazy, but she has to pick The Entertainer. After all, he sucks a mean toe! He happily accepts his chain, and Sister Patterson starts ranting about how he’s a filthy pervert. Usually I’d try to disagree with her, but oh my God, feet in mouth! She calls him all sorts of names while New York giggles and squeals. I’d probably be a little upset if my mom thought my boyfriend was a psychotic pig, but New York gets off on it!

Sadly, the house must say goodbye to Cheezy and ManMan. New York doesn’t dig Cheezy the way she hoped she would, and ManMan didn’t make enough effort to come to her. What she actually meant to say was, “ManMan didn’t make enough effort to make me come.” He says she’ll regret this decision, but otherwise he leaves peacefully, whereas Cheezy cries like a baby.

Next week, the guys compete in a boxing match. They call Tailor Made out for being manipulative, and a queer fight breaks out, featuring some dude spitting in another dude’s face. Oh gee, I’m sure New York will be really forgiving.

What did you think of the show? Is there anyone in this crowd worth rooting for? Talk to me!