I Love New York 2: “O” is for “Ogressive”

This week on I Love New York 2, The Entertainer is even crazier than the week he sucked on New York’s toes. Seriously! I was surprised too.

We open to the guys nestled in their beds, visions of sugar-plums dancing in their heads. The Entertainer explains just how crazy the previous day was, in case we’ve forgotten, and says he doesn’t know what the hell’s going to happen next. It’s not really a huge surprise; they’re going to get a note from New York, just like they do every morning. Shock of shocks, that’s exactly what happens! Since last night was rough, New York wants to treat them to a nice breakfast. They’re to start eating and then New York will join them, which makes me laugh. I know New York said she wasn’t a breakfast person, and I’m not either but I would never send a note like, “Hey dudes, eat up and I’ll grace you with my presence once you’re finished.” What a romantic encounter!

Punk says he doesn’t know what happened last night. I know what happened: you flipped a table over, you crazy fuck. I actually like Punk and don’t think he’s that psycho, but when someone acts outrageously and is like, “Golly gee, I don’t know what happened at all!” it’s kind of a warning sign. He says he’s not going to hold anything against New York, which is sweet since he’s the one who got violent, and he’ll be here to give her his true love as long as she’s looking for it. Aww, it’s easy to warm up to his kind of crazy. Unfortunately I cannot warm up to his breasts.

Rack ‘em up!

Seriously, what the fuck are those? Yay for working out, but dude, he has a fully developed balcony. There’s a difference between boobies and muscles, and Punk falls on the wrong side of that line. Amazingly none of the other guys mention this at breakfast, and instead they talk about what they learned about New York last night. Tailor Made (whose real name is George Weisberger, an amazing fact I discovered from Nads’ interview) feels bad for New York since he saw her crying at the elimination ceremony. Buddha says she cried because she’s torn between garbage and kings. Um, all right. Sometimes Buddha says things that I feel like he’s been saving for months, and it’s just not the right time to bust that phrase out. This is one of those moments.

New York comes downstairs to chat, and she tells the camera she’s worried the guys will leave her after the drama. That’s her inspiration to seductively say she missed them, which is so awesome because she was basically just like, “I’m afraid of being alone, so I’d better flirt really hard.” Watch out, New York, I can read ya mind! She assures the men that last night’s apology was sincere, and she wants to have fun with them today. Even though it’s like 10 AM she sounds totally wasted. Looks like someone had a few too many breakfast mimosas.

She says she has something really awesome planned, but then she sighs and asks if everyone’s happy with her. So co-dependant, my goodness. Everyone confirms their sheer delight except Buddha, so she asks to speak to him alone. Punk is sick of Buddha sulking and pouting, trying to get attention from New York, but of course he only tells that to the camera and not to Buddha himself. I’m a total instigator — I want more drama! New York takes Buddha outside and announces that he’s mad at her, but he replies he’s disappointed. He’s giving her the best of him, but since she’s taking it for granted, he had to pull the brakes on his feelings. He asks why she brought him back if she wants someone else, but she says that ship has sailed. “If I wanted to be with him,” she starts, taking a deep breath that implies something amazing will come next, “…I would.” Not gonna lie, that made me laugh. New York has a way of keeping things hilariously simple. She tells Buddha she’s trying to move past last night, and he just sucks it up and accepts it.

New York’s therapist says she tends to gravitate towards men that are less than stable (no shit), so today she’s bringing them to a research institute to find out which one is right for her. Glad to find out this was her thrilling plan for the day. Swell! She introduces them to Bart Baggett, a psych technician, and The Entertainer immediately gets nervous. He says, “Terrific. I’ve been through tests like that before,” and it’s great because it just makes him sound like a mental patient. New York says Bart will evaluate the guys on compatibility, and whoever’s most compatible with her will win a date tonight.

Tailor Made is up first, and he’s completely certain he’s the most compatible. I disagree but that’s only because I’m still laughing over his name, George Weisgerber. Please God, let them get married so she can be Tiffany Weisgerber. I would give up my first born for that crap. Bart starts with some ink blot tests, and Tailor Made has to say the first thing that comes to mind. Unless the picture looks filthy it’s sort of worthless to describe it, so for the first one, Tailor Made says a mask. Next he says a flower, which is also what New York and Punk say during their tests. Hoorah! In contrast, The Entertainer says a devil. I picked flower, too, so take my word for it – it’s a flower and The Entertainer is just a nut.

Buddha comes in for his test, and for every picture he goes, “That’s just really cool.” I love this kind of stupidity. He’s reacting like Bart painted these pictures or something, like he wants some flattery. Love it! Meanwhile, The Entertainer sees a few more and says they’re all devils. You are a psycho.

The next test is the doodle test, so they’re given six squares with a couple of symbols and they have to personalize them. Easy enough. Tailor Made decides everything represents his relationship with New York: his house with New York, his cars with New York, his honeymoon with New York. You are boring. Punk at least livens things up by drawing the doors to New York’s bedroom. Aww yeah, gettin’ bizzay. The Entertainer customizes his squares so they’re all related to him, which Bart points out is a little narcissistic. The Entertainer happily agrees, so that implies he probably doesn’t understand what “narcissistic” means. Luckily New York does the same, and Bart randomly bursts out, “That probably means you like to have sex in front of the mirror.” He’s known her for about 14 seconds so you’d think she’d be horrified, but she nods and gleefully informs him she has. Oh boy!

The final test is a handwriting analysis. Tailor Made’s cursive is super gorgeous and girly, and as someone who can only write her name in script, I’m completely jealous. Unfortunately Bart discovers Tailor Made has an unresolved resentment with strong, challenging women. Tailor Made’s reaction to that looks like, well…is it repetitive to say it looks like the devil?

Bringing sexy back.

Budda’s signature shows he’s masculine and aggressive, but his regular writing is pretty damn feminine. Bart says Buddha has two personalities and he doesn’t know which will show up sometimes, and Buddha’s like, “Yeah, you’re not the first person to say so.” Then they share an awkward moment over Buddha being bipolar.

In the waiting room, Buddha mentions to Punk that he was on an episode of Nip/Tuck that aired a while ago. What the fuck, is everyone on that show? They must be desperate for extras, y’all. He says he played a fantasy man, and as he goes on about his acting career, New York starts stewing. She’s the only one who can be famous in a relationship! This scene will be Buddha’s downfall. New York says Buddha was giving out his resume and not paying any attention to her, which obviously should be his complete purpose in life. Fuck a career, he’s got New York sitting right there! She starts to worry he’s just there for the cameras, so her head spins around in circles and she asks if this is a job for him, too. He’s like, “You can’t be serious,” and she spews green vomit everywhere. Danger, Will Robinson!

She storms the hell out and he reluctantly follows her, whereupon she accuses him of acting again. Then she yells about how she’s sick of this shit. Uh, then maybe you shouldn’t have picked a fight? Just common sense, darlin’. She says he wouldn’t be talking about his past job experience if he were really there for her, but he counters that he was just answering a question, which is pretty much true. Sadly she won’t hear any of it. She wants to be left alone, so he goes back into the waiting room and then she gets all pissed off about how he left her. New York is every single stereotype about women all rolled into one.

When she finally pouts her way back inside, Bart returns with the test results. It’ll be extra awesome if he concludes Buddha and New York are the most compatible now. He announces Tailor Made has an issue and an attraction to really strong women, but he thinks if Tailor Made finally gets New York, he’ll be bored. Punk is revealed to have a huge sex drive but he doesn’t trust anyone, so he masturbates excessively.

Picture of innocence!

New York doesn’t like dudes wanking off, so this might be a problem for her. She would prefer they just fuck her, you know? Simple request. Mr. Wise turns out to be emotionally unavailable, which makes New York decide they’re the least compatible. When it comes to The Entertainer, both he and New York are extremely narcissistic. Bart says if they pass a mirror, they’d both stop to look into it, and The Entertainer goes, “Of course!” New York replies with, “Why wouldn’t you?” Aww. You’re so vain you probably think this recap is about you. Last but not least, there’s Buddha. He’s a little defensive, so New York worries more about the acting thing. She’s an expert psychiatrist, don’t ya know.

New York’s tests show her to be social, friendly, and not a fan of conformity. She’s sensitive, defensive, and not easy to get along with. I like that New York’s test results are just like, “She’s kind of a bitch.” She asks who’s the most compatible with her, and since The Entertainer really showed he’s into himself, he’s pretty much a perfect fit. Squee! He screams his head off over this, as he’s wont to do, but Bart adds that a lot of them have similar qualities. New York is positively ecstatic over these excellent tests. He told them almost no new information, and she’s just tickled! I love it.

The Entertainer wins a date for the night, making this his first challenge win and first alone time with New York. She’s excited to check him out to see if Bart is right, and The Entertainer is excited to have sex with her. After they get back to the house, he steams his wifebeater and button-down shirt, like all classy gents. He’s looking forward to showing New York what kind of guy he really is, aka crazy and dumb.

As they leave for their date, Mr. Wise hatches a plan with Buddha. “Let’s tear the living room up, like move the furniture all around,” says Wise. Since The Entertainer gets freaked about spirits and the like, the guys decide to make it look like something spooky happened. This is sort of ridiculous, but since it’ll probably make The Entertainer look a fool, I can accept it. Clearly this episode hinges on my acceptance!

Elsewhere, New York and The Entertainer sit down for dinner. He’s excited to prove himself and adds that he’s hoping for a little tongue action too, which I totally called. I’m assuming he means his tongue in her snatch, of course. New York tells him she feels a lot closer to him knowing they’re so compatible, so he answers by saying he’ll eat more of her food. She laughs and laughs but he actually starts eating off her plate, which isn’t very endearing at all. She says she likes him because he has many different sides to him, like crazy, and then goes, “The Entertainer is a bit weird, but it’s a great weird. I’m feelin’ his weirdom.”

Unfortunately, The Entertainer thought she said “wiener.”

Since her mom keeps saying The Entertainer is perverted, she decides to get to the bottom of that. She asks him if she’s a sexual conquest, although I really don’t see why she would be. I feel like I could fuck New York if I really wanted to, so what’s the big deal here, guys? He says she seems like she’s into freaky shit so that’s why he’s really turned on, and I’d just like you to know he totally drops food off his fork and onto his lap while he’s talking. Undeterred, New York asks if he thought she was easy. He says no, but I say yes. Upon asking for his definition of “freak,” the editors flash back to when he sucked on her fucking toes, which I’ve neglected to mention for a week or two! This must be the show’s way of striking back at me for lying down on the job, much like New York does on a daily basis.

He says it’s easier to show her what “freak” means rather than explain it, so she comes out and asks if he wants to sleep with her. He says he wants her but he wants to get to know her, and she actually looks offended. How amazing is it that New York would rather get fucked than have a heart-to-heart with this dude? Yay, New York! In confessional she says she likes that he speaks his mind, but she still has her doubts about him.

At this point a belly dancer trots over to their table, because I guess that happens in a lot of restaurants? She’s pretty hot so it’s all good. New York encourages The Entertainer to dance with her, and oh my God if he sucks on this woman’s bare feet then I will just die. He’s hesitant, and it finally comes down to New York insisting and The Entertainer covering his face and whining about how he doesn’t wanna dance. His thinking is that he finally won a date with New York, so he doesn’t want to waste time with a belly dancer, but I bet it’s actually something ridiculous like, “The belly dancer has ties to evil spirits!”

She asks him if he really doesn’t want to do it, and he says, “Absolutely not” in the most harrowing voice ever. He is fucking terrifying. To prove it, in confessional he goes, “I’m losing my fucking mind, especially right now I’m losing it. I’ll start taking every glass and throwing it up against the restaurant if I have to.” Um, how about you don’t! Why would that be his response to anything, let alone something as silly as this? When I Love New York is making you lose your mind, you know your life is sad.

New York says he’s upsetting her, so he says the same thing back. Of course that prompts her to be like, “Don’t go there,” which is kind of dumb. I feel like it’s a bad idea to tell a crazy person not to do anything, unless it’s slitting your throat. Then you should probably have him back off, sure. Ultimately he agrees to dance with the girl and everything is hunky-dory. Just a hunch but I’m pretty sure that when a person gets enraged and then chills out immediately like that? That means they’re a crazy mofo.

The Entertainer decides to play a prank on the guys, which is fitting. He doesn’t want them to know his date went well, so he plans to come in cursing about how it was the worst time ever, and then New York will tell him to get the fuck out of her house. He’ll reply, “Fuck you, I was leaving anyway,” and what a happy time it will be! He’ll pack his things and then as soon as he gets to the door, he’ll yell, “Psych!” and unpack silently. Um. He is crazy. Unsurprisingly, New York reacts like a pig in shit.

Back at the house, Tailor Made says in addition to The Entertainer being crazy, he’s very superstitious. The guys light a bunch of candles and rearrange all the furniture in hopes of scaring the shit out of him. New York and The Entertainer arrive home from their date and he immediately starts screaming his face off. It’s a shame all the other guys are chilling in the backyard though, so they don’t hear a word of it. This goes on for like an hour: The Entertainer packs and throws things, the other dudes sleep in the yard. Finally The Entertainer realizes there’s no one around, which shows how remarkably astute he is, and then he notices all the candles and destruction. Someone smells trouble!

He walks outside and stares at his housemates awkwardly, and then yells, “Yo, fuck her!” That’s all the motivation they need to run inside for details, ditching the whole prank plan completely. He continues packing, saying that if New York doesn’t like things he has to say, then fuck her. They’re all like, “We’d be happy to!” The Entertainer grabs his bags, screaming and cursing, and Tailor Made offers himself up for some anal before his departure.

Stick it right in the fartbox!

Punk and Buddha help carry The Entertainer’s bags outside, asking what happened. The Entertainer says he doesn’t want to get into it, and then he yells, “Psych!” He grabs his stuff and walks back inside, and wow, that sure looks crazy as fuck! He says, “I’m not going anywhere, I swear to God” but he’s so weird and aggressive, it just seems like he’s going to bomb the building. He finds it absolutely hilarious! He says the look on everyone’s face was priceless, so the camera pans around to each of them and they’re all just smiling. No one even really cares, that’s the thing. He cheerfully does a handstand in celebration of their date, and New York agrees it was a good one. That said, something about him makes her think it won’t work out. Aww, sad face.

New York takes Budda aside and says it feels like he’s mad at her. He counters that he tried to come talk to her earlier but she wanted to be left alone. He doesn’t know when to come to her or back up, but really, it’s not important. She can never be alone when she’s rocking that vicious quadraboob.

Positively titillating!

New York doesn’t want to trust him, but she also likes him a lot. They hug and he asks if he’s supposed to apologize for part of his profession, but she says she feels better after talking to him. I love that their 40-second conversation wraps everything up. All problems gone, wee!

The next morning, Tailor Made gives his wife a call. He implies he only called because she had some very interesting information to tell him, but uh, how would he have known that in the first place? Ass. Nancy says she saw Buddha on TV for a second the night before, on a show called Hell Date. Tailor Made giggles about how she’s probably right, but this all seems really convenient. Who’s to say he didn’t ring her during the night and bribe her to say all this shit, you know? I call shenanigans. Tailor Made’s not the least bit surprised that Buddha was on a dating show though, and he theorizes Buddha’s trying to ride New York’s coattails. Some of my dear commenters have assumed the same thing about Tailor Made, and I have to agree. Buddha could probably find fame and fortune on his own, but as for Tailor Made, there’s not a huge market for dudes with hair plugs.

He sets off to use this against Buddha. He starts telling Punk by saying, “I was just talking to my wife,” which is just hilarious. You’re a stand-up guy, dude! Punk listens intently while changing out of his new D-cup brassiere.

Maybe he and New York really are compatible!

Tailor Made shares his information, and Punk hopes New York will find out about it. If not, he’ll have to tell her himself, but uh – pretty sure she’s going to hear about it. Not sure if he knows, but Tailor Made pretty much lives in New York’s bedroom whenever there might be gossip to share.

A letter arrives from New York, and she says yesterday’s test let her know who’s her best match. Today she wants to see who’s in it for the long haul. Hint: not many of them. She shows up with her therapist, Dr. Allen, and explains they’ll be going through couples counseling today. That seems to be jumping the gun a bit since she’s kind of dating five dudes, but I guess she’s paving the way for their future. Luckily she brings in the craziest one first, so she and The Entertainer sit down for a therapeutic chat.

Dr. Allen says she’ll create a scenario to see how both New York and The Entertainer will respond. They imagine they’ve been married for a few years, and he wants a baby but she says that will give her stretch marks. Plus she’d be off the market for a whole year! I assume Dr. Allen means the entertainment market, but I imagine New York would be trying to solicit a little tang on the side, so it works all around. The Entertainer says he could have a baby at the age of 60, so he’s in no rush. He’d also be happy to be a stay-at-home father since she’s the one with the career. New York says she likes that he’s willing to be her wife. In response, he punches her square in the jaw. No, instead Dr. Allen gives them some fighting techniques that I don’t understand. She instructs him to say, “You have every right not to give me the right to say what I say, and one day I pray you will do the same for me.” What the fuck? I have every right to ignore the rest of this segment.

During Mr. Wise’s session, Dr. Allen asks if there’s anything he wants New York to know about him. He says New York is suspicious of his close relationship with his ex, to which New York explains he even lists her as his emergency contact. Whoops! He says that’s because he doesn’t have a lot of immediate family. Dr. Allen understands, but she reiterates that New York will not accept that he keeps in touch with anyone he’s ever had sex with. Mr. Wise doesn’t believe in burning bridges, so that essentially ensures his departure tonight. Not so wise after all.

Tailor Made is confident for his session, since he’s been through counseling numerous times with Nancy. That’s a real confidence booster! Dr. Allen informs him that New York has a dream of sending him for some plastic surgery corrections. I’m not sure if this is part of the fake scenario or what, but knowing New York, it’s probably the truth. That’s shocking though; his hairline looks just fine.

Mr. Clean!

New York needs him to be able to satisfy her, so he needs a penis implant. I guess that’s fair since she’s had the tits done. He’s confident he’ll be able to satisfy her, but she says to pretend they’re together and he’s not doin’ it. Ultimately he’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy, so if that’s a new dick, then so be it! New York eats it up and sucks him off, delighted she can control him. Yay!

Dr. Allen starts her meeting with Buddha by being like, “So, you have an interest in courting this fair maiden.” I kind of can’t describe how much I hate this woman. She asks if he’s willing to negotiate time, space, and money, and he says absolutely. Right away, New York is all, “He’s lying!” Then she specifies again, he’s lying. The extra syllable is important, you see. Dr. Allen asks if she caught him in a lie pragmatically, and New York points to her head as she answers, “Up here, if that’s what pragmatically means.” Oh, New York. That’s exactly what it means.

Buddha is strong, so New York doesn’t feel like she’s in control of their relationship. Of course she must rule all! New York wants to be a better man than Buddha, which means New York is a transsexual. She wants to come home and demand food and drink, and ugh, everything about her is unattractive! She has quadraboob! Back out now, Buddha! Dr. Allen says Buddha fits New York’s chemistry, and her body adores him. She says this is called deflowering, which is when a woman meets a man she has to look up to because her body tells her to. Um, really? Because I have it on very good authority that this is not what deflowering means.

Punk comes in and apologizes for his attire, which is a wifebeater and gym pants. Dr. Allen is like, “You think we mind looking at your body?” Well I do, so put on a coat, son. In their meeting, he says he’d like to be cherished for his feelings, whereas New York wants respect over being cherished. He’s an excellent balance for her because he can be a huge puss, basically. Luckily he steps up and reveals Tailor Made’s conversation with Nancy, yay! New York is completely shocked and upset that Buddha would be on another dating show, although I don’t know why, since that was probably listed on his application and all. Oh wells! She decides to confront him after the counseling sessions.

She asks him directly if he was on Hell Date, and he enthusiastically replies yes. Amazingly she’s not pleased, but I love how direct he was. At least she can’t accuse him of avoiding the question! All he can say about Hell Date though is that it’s bullshit, which I guess is like his ink blot answers: “It’s cool.” Wise words, broseph. New York doesn’t know if she wants him in the house or not, but it’s time for elimination so she’ll have to think fast.

Tailor Made feels good going into the ceremony, since New York apparently said a lot of things that made him think he has a special place in her heart. Not sure when that happened, but okay! All I heard was her being like, “You’ve got a small dick.” Mr. Wise also feels safe this week, even though he still talks to his ex and that makes New York’s skin crawl. Mr. Wise is dumb as a box of shoes. Buddha says he doesn’t think he’ll be going home, even though he’s an actor. Actors need love too! Somewhere New York just had an aneurysm.

She comes out for eliminations, and her first chain goes to someone who is confident and masculine. He’s also willing to give her most of the control in their relationship, and she’s feeling the hell out of him. The winner is Punk! They can feel on each other’s titties all night long! She says she feels so close to him, it’s almost like he’s a brother to her. Uh…sexy? The Entertainer yuks it up on the back line over that comment, which takes away from some of the joy of it. Luckily it doesn’t take away from the joy of New York’s plastic bra straps.

I spy with my little eye.

Wow, I wore those clear detachable straps when I was in sixth grade! While I appreciate that New York is making an effort to keep those puppies contained, I feel like sista’s got a decent amount of cash flow. Fucking buy a strapless bra and/or a stylist. Thanks! XO, Bailey Q.

The next chain is for a great guy, one whom Dr. Allen said was ready to “completely acquiesce himself” to her. She didn’t read that off a cue card at all, by the way. This dude is ready to be her wife, and that’s Tailor Made. He’s down with being her bitch so he happily takes his chain. When it comes to chain number three, she says she’s seen a whole ‘nother side of this next guy over the past few days. He’s funny, smart, and she’s starting to feel him a lot. This guy is…The Entertainer. Wait, seriously? Funny and smart? I would pick Bif the Boom Operator over him, but okay. He comes down for his chain and they have some kind of odd interaction, but he has a gross mole in between his eyes and it’s way too distracting. I’ve never noticed it before and now it makes my mouth water like right before you throw up, yarg. The only significant thing is that New York says the letter O stands for awesome. Obsolutely it does.

She has one chain left. She’s really starting to feel Buddha, but part of her believes he’s there just for the cameras. On the other hand, she’s nervous about Mr. Wise’s relationship with his ex. She tells Mr. Wise he’s a wonderful and honest man, but she just doesn’t know if he’s willing to open up enough to meet her needs. She’s sorry but he has to bounce. After he leaves, Buddha comes up to take his chain. New York tells him they’ve been on a rocky road, but she hopes they can sail smoothly from this point on. He says, “It’s all on you. Nothing’s been rocky on my part,” which is bad news! Don’t fuck up now, Buddha!

Sister Patterson asks why they’re battling, and Buddha gets all testy about how he’s not fighting. She decides she doesn’t want to be part of it, so she vacates her throne and leaves New York to give out her last necklace. Awesomely, you can see the price tag on the back of the chain. I love any show that uses props from the dollar store, what what!

Next week on I Love New York, we meet the final four’s families! The Entertainer’s mom calls Sister Patterson a transvestite, and Sister Patterson reacts very calmly, by telling her she looks like she’s wearing a beaver’s ass on her head. Ya know, like ya do. Buddha may be an actor, but I feel like every week Sister Patterson is roleplaying as a character on Absolutely Fabulous.

What a tangled web we weave.