I Love New York 2: A Tale of Two Spitties

If you’ve heard about the Writers Guild strike, you probably know there’s a lot of pros and cons. Maybe you’ve made yourself a little list to weigh the options of which side to take. I have not, but I know which one should be at the top of your list. If the writers are on strike, that means there will be tons of reality TV, and you know that means there will be a whole lot of I Love New York!

The show opens to the guys lying around in boredom. Tailor Made is all decked out in his creepy face mask, which – really? Really, he has no shame about that? Huh! To impress New York, and also since they have shit-all to do, 20 Pack and Punk decide to cook breakfast for New York. Of course we learned last week that she hates breakfast, so this is just a waste of energy. I hope she throws it in their face and they have to do sad interviews covered in ketchup and eggs, but that’s just me. Unfortunately she’s actually impressed with the food, which isn’t interesting to anyone at all.

Downstairs, Buddha asks Tailor Made how anyone can respect him after he backed out on his handshake with Cheezy the night before. Really though, Buddha doesn’t have much room to talk. After all, he faked a whole challenge and was kind of a jerk, although you know I totally loved it. Buddha says it’s offensive when someone takes advantage of another person like that, and they both start swearing and screaming. Then out of nowhere, Buddha launches his glass of orange juice across the table. He headbutts Tailor Made and then backs him into a corner, and aww, this reminds me so much of the days when I used to write wrestling play-by-play. Memories!

Tailor Made flips his shit and starts yelling about how Buddha is out of the competition now for attacking him, which is probably true since it’s all on tape. Can’t really deny that kinda thing.

Best. Caption. Ever.

Tailor Made completely confesses that he ran like a bitch and started crying for help, which is sort of endearing. Most dudes would pretend they were really manly, but no, he was a total pussy. Love it! Even if you hate Tailor Made, you have to feel bad when he starts flailing in fear as Buddha shouts in his face. Finally Buddha slaps him, and that’s when the other guys step in to break it up. I would fucking love to see Midget Mac try to interfere, but sadly he seems to be missing. He’s a little small though, so maybe he was just hidden in someone’s shadow.

A camera guy tries to separate them, but Buddha yells that he hasn’t touched Tailor Made. This is a lie, but he insists, “When I put my hands on you, mother fucker, you’re gonna know it.” Well, he kinda already does. In confessional, Buddha says the fight is about Buddha love and Buddha pride. Um, okay? It squicks me out when these guys get so attached to their nicknames within the span of a couple days.

Once everyone’s separated, most of the guys go outside with Buddha, since he’s easier to spend ten seconds with. They all agree that Tailor Made is totally crazy, mostly since they don’t want Buddha to punch them in the nads. The topic shifts to how Tailor Made always runs upstairs to talk to New York, so of course we immediately cut away to New York’s bedroom, where he comes in nearly crying. I actually feel bad for him, you guys! New York comforts him and says she doesn’t want anyone fucking with her boy, since she really likes him. I love the phrasing of that. If it were any other dude, fuck it; Buddha could kill him. She wouldn’t mind.

She goes outside to confront Buddha, and sexy music starts playing so you know they’ll just wind up gettin’ it on. Buddha says the argument got physical to an extent, leading him to grab Tailor Made. Of course, when New York mentions that Tailor Made’s forehead is bruised from the head-butt, Buddha can’t really deny it. He says he’s sorry, and though the whole mess hasn’t changed any of New York’s feelings for him, she says she can’t have any physical violence in the house. With that, she decides to send Buddha home, holy shit! I had him pegged to win and now everything’s thrown into a cocked hat! They kiss goodbye dramatically, in what appears to be a black version of Gone with the Wind or something, although I guess it’s just Gone with the Buddha. He says he’s sorry for cheating New York out of their experience, and as she walks back into the house, he just continues to chill in the yard. Uh, she sent you home, bro. It would be so great if later on he emerged from the bushes and stabbed the shit out of someone.

Somehow Buddha gets upstairs to pack, and the guys say their goodbyes. They all pretty much think Tailor Made planned this whole shebang on purpose, which sounds sort of overdramatic. Then the camera cuts to Tailor Made girlishly applying his facial mask again, and I have to agree with them. Also, I know that’s probably just editing and he’s not that lame about his skin, but ugh. It looks like he’s just caking jizz all over his skin. Outside the house, Buddha chokes out some final words through tears. “[Tailor Made] represents fake,” he preaches. Intelligent. Then he drowns in a river of his tears, boohoohoo.

With all the drama behind them, it’s time to receive a note from New York. Pretty reads it aloud, and it says New York is looking for a man who can handle a strong woman like herself. Ughghgh, shut your pie hole, lady. Today she plans on weeding out the wimps from the pimps, which means Midget Mac is going home. Each guy has to pick a tag-team partner and a pair of matching shorts, and then they’ll head over to a boxing ring. Now that Buddha’s gone, one man will be without a partner for the competition, and everyone decides they don’t want to work with Tailor Made. Yeah, work with the midget though. That’s a better plan. Tailor Made is empowered by the fact that everyone hates him, which means he is dumb.

New York and her mom meet the guys at a gym, where they’ll be tested on defending themselves and keeping their cool. It’s kind of unfortunate that they have a fighting challenge right after Buddha leaves. A couple of dudes might’ve lost some teeth, and Lord knows there’s nothing sexier than a guy with a pumpkin mouth. New York tells the guys she brought in some special people to kick their asses, and she introduces a line of female boxers, which is wonderfully unfair. You know most of these guys will say they can’t hit a lady, and the ones who do it are just dicks. Basically, all the guys lose but we totally win.

Not ready for Sister Patterson’s jelly.

Midget Mac doesn’t care if the women are short, tall, medium, or fat, he’ll chop them down with his Midgetzu. Wow, please stop talking. I’m a supporter, Mac, but you’re making it hard. Since New York is aware Mac can take someone down with his penis alone, she adds a twist to the challenge. In her words, “I’m taking the team that takes the most ass-whoopin’ on a date with me tomorrow.” Wait, what? This is clearly geared towards Tailor Made now, and also it makes no sense. She wants a guy that can handle a dominant woman, so I guess that means whichever guy won’t fight back? This challenge is officially offensive on every level, aka it’s perfect.

Each team must stay in the ring for six minutes, but it’s up to them to decide who goes in the ring first and how they divide their time. First up are Wolf and The Entertainer, and the latter chooses to fight first. His strategy is to go as long as possible, that way he can look good, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards because his opponent pummels the shit out of him as soon as the bell rings. Disgustingly enough, The Entertainer says the match is like foreplay for him, which really clues us in on his sex life. Speaking of, remember when he sucked on New York’s toes? I do. After three minutes, he and Wolf switch out, and Wolf gets kicked square in the mouth. At the end of the round, the team takes 117 punches, 49 kicks, and one lump on the head. The phrasing of that delights me so much, you don’t even know.

Team Two is Punk and Pretty. It’s hard to write about the beatings, since it’s mostly just a constant ass-whoopin’, but it’s important to note that New York is totally getting wet over the whole event. At the end of the six minutes, she notes that Punk is all man. In total, the pair receives 186 punches, 79 kicks, and they see many stars. You know, like the little ones that swirl around someone’s head in cartoons. It’s not like they just looked over at New York and thought, “Gasp! A celebrity!” I clarify because it’s important that you don’t view New York as someone famous. She really is not.

Next up are It and Midget Mac, which is the saddest team since the dawn of time. Like, honestly, why even bother? The lady boxers sense that It is completely hopeless, so instead of taking him on one-on-one like they did for all the other guys, they all attack him at once. Gotta say, It kinda deserves it. New York and her mom cackle for his whole three minutes in the ring, and then it’s Midget Mac’s turn. After about 30 seconds, New York says he’s probably tired. What makes you think that, he’s a midget who’s getting kicked in the shins over and over? Huh. Their team takes 91 punches, 57 kicks, and a million low blows. Get it, because he’s small…. Yeah, those jokes are officially only funny when I make them, not when the editing staff of I Love New York tries it.

Tailor Made has to take a beating for the full six minutes. I immediately thought this would be awesome, since he’d be coughing up blood right away, but he actually only takes two punches, two kicks, and runs 66 laps around the ring to get away from his opponent. Oh, Tailor Made, you are such a woman. The match is boring because it’s a fair fight.

The last team is 20 Pack and Mr. Wise, who’s another dude we’ve hardly ever seen. Mr. Wise tells 20 Pack he really needs the date, and I’d say that’s true, considering he’s only really known as White Guy Who’s Not Tailor Made or The Entertainer. 20 Pack agrees to fight for two minutes and let Mr. Wise take the other four. Unfortunately, Mr. Wise decides to showboat and fight for the full six minutes. The girls beat the fucking shit out of him, and even New York yells for him to tag out but nah, he just keeps on going. In the end, he takes 103 punches, 66 kicks, and stabs one person in the back. Oh ho, so witty.

After the match, Mr. Wise feels bad for being an asshole. He also feels bad because he’s bleeding internally. New York gives him a huge hug and congratulates him for not having a partner in the fight, and Mr. Wise has to sadly confess that he did have a partner. Luckily, New York is a fellow douchebag and decides no one needs 20 Pack; Mr. Wise is the man! Tailor Made berates them, yelling about how they had great teamwork, but it’s hard to harass your competitors when you’re doubled over in pain.

I did it all for the nookie.

New York gathers the guys in the ring and tells them she appreciates that they got their asses whooped. So sweet of her! Mr. Wise gets a date, and he’s allowed to bring 20 Pack even though he’s a freeloader. Poor 20 Pack, he’s getting shafted. Sister Patterson announces she has a surprise, which is that Pretty, Punk, and Tailor Made will be going out with her, since they’re Mama’s Boys. You knew eventually Sister Patterson would try to cash in and get a little more action of her own, so this isn’t too surprising. She gives Mr. Wise the title of Mama’s Boy, too, so he’ll get to accompany them on the date. Mr. Wise is really cashing in today! Bet 20 Pack feels sorry now. He could’ve gone out with not one, but two unpleasant black gals!

Everyone returns to the mansion, and Mr. Wise feels pretty guilty for what he did. To his credit, he actually apologizes to 20 Pack, which is something you hardly ever see on reality TV. It’s always like, “I’m sorry you’re such a fucktard,” but never something sincere. 20 Pack accepts his apology since he admitted to his faults like a man, and that’s kind of charming and sexy of the two of them. 20 Pack and Mr. Wise to the finish, y’all!

Tailor Made sadly realizes the two dudes don’t hate each other, so he decides to find new people to fuck with. While lounging in the bedroom, he explains to Punk that they all agree The Entertainer isn’t really there for New York. Punk doesn’t like the sound of that, since he’s a grown man and recognizes that starting shit won’t get them anywhere. Still, Tailor Made presses on! He wants all the Mama’s Boys to have a strategy when meeting with Sister Patterson, and that strategy is to bone her. Actually, it’s to oust The Entertainer, but it’s probably a little bit of the other thing too.

It’s time for dinner, so the guys eat with Sister Patterson downstairs. This show is so freaking elegant, they just eat in the dining room instead of going out somewhere off-set. Love it. She asks if there’s anything going on in the house with the other guys, and Tailor Made gets in there to start crap. He says he’s voiced his concerns about The Entertainer, and Sister P is positively tickled. She wants Tailor Made to be her eyes and ears inside the house. He says it never hurts to get in good with his future mother-in-law, and while that’s completely creepy, it’s also a pretty good point. I don’t really dig this guy but he’s playing it smart in this division.

He asks if Sister Patterson has concerns about any of the other guys, and she tells Mr. Wise he must know all about that, having been on the outside. Apparently being a Mama’s Boy is like being in some kind of secret society now. Mr. Wise refuses to be a snitch and give up details on his fellow housemates, even though Sister Patterson says, “You’re not gonna go there?” like 25 times. Yo, Mr. Wise, I think she wants you to go there. He says he’s there to win, but he’s not going to degrade who he is as a person. That phrasing might not make sense, I’m not sure, but good for him! Sister Patterson doesn’t really see it like I do though, so she shoots lasers out of her eyes and then orders him to leave. Be gone with you, peasant! Ye art no longer a Mama’s Boy!

The next morning, 20 Pack receives a note from New York. She wants to pamper him and Mr. Wise for the day, so she instructs them to grab their bathing suits. I assume this means she’s going to give them some kind of revolting rub down, ugh. If she puts their feet in her mouth, I’ll die.

While they prepare for the date, The Entertainer tells Tailor Made that a former contestant thinks Pretty was queerly checking him out. Punk actually skews much gayer to me, but what do I know, right? The Entertainer tells the camera in confessional that Pretty might be “a little, you know…” and then makes his wrist go limp. It sort of delights me that he can’t just say, “He might be gay.” This isn’t 2007 or anything, so we should obviously go with a gesture from the days of I Love Lucy. Much smoother.

Tailor Made isn’t sure he believes this story, but of course he scampers up to tell New York, because that trick isn’t getting old at all. That would annoy the piss out of me, but New York is flattered he wants to look out for her. He shares that Pretty might be gay, and New York says she likes him so she hopes he’s not. Then we cut away to a clip of Pretty coloring with a glitter marker during last week’s challenge, and New York confirms that he totally could be gay. She’s probably the type of girl to say someone’s gay just because they don’t love her, but she has a point: dude might be swingin’ on another vine.

How could he not want this perfect package?

New York asks Tailor Made if he’s only telling her these things because he can’t stand seeing her with other people. That is indeed the situation, but he says he’s just maintaining his position and caring about her, yadda yadda. They start making out and it sounds like a cow chewing cud. He actually drools all over her fucking face, leaving her to wipe up his spit, and she says that’s perfect. New York’s taste is so refined, seriously. Drool on her face and lick her toe lint, and that bitch is yours for life.

After she dries her face off, she leaves for her date with 20 Pack and Mr. Wise, two guys she’s barely spoken to since they moved in. They drive to a spa and enter something called Club Mud, which doesn’t sound sexy at all. A staff member says they’ll enter a pool of red clay mud and completely cover themselves in it, and New York is all like, “Oh hell no!” You’d think she would’ve known about that, since she supposedly planned this date, but nah. She refuses because she can’t risk damaging her weave or knock-off jewelry, so she and the guys sit down for a meal. The table is oddly positioned in the middle of a pool, so if things go our way, someone will drown by the end of lunch.

New York tells them she didn’t think it was cool that Tailor Made said Pretty was gay. She liked it a few minutes ago, but now it’s offensive, of course. 20 Pack says he’s tired of Tailor Made’s game, where he makes up things about the other guys just to make himself look better to New York. She asks if he means being nasty, vicious, and conniving, and then she bursts into laughter with her mouth full of food. She thinks that’s a brilliant plan, naturally! Since that’s essentially how she lives her life, of course she’s going to think it’s the cat’s meow.

She asks Mr. Wise how he’s enjoying being a Mama’s Boy, and he reveals that the title was ripped away from him, which is so sad panda. He couldn’t tattletale on the guys like Sister Patterson wanted him to do, and New York responds, “But this was something for me and my mom.” Like that makes it better, you know? It’s okay to be a rat as long as you’re doing it for New York! Mr. Wise says he interpreted her request the wrong way, since he thought she wanted him to be “shiesty,” in his own words. I don’t know what that means, but let’s face it, that’s probably what she wanted him to do. New York asks if he’s willing to go home in favor of sticking to his morals, and he sputters something about how “it is what it is.” New York says that means, “Whatever, bitch,” so she sends him packing and opts to spend some private time with 20 Pack. Yay, 20 Pack! Don’t fuck up!

She asks if 20 Pack thinks they’re growing into really good friends, and what’s awesome is Mr. Wise is just standing a little ways behind them, drinking straight out of a liquor bottle. Oh, classy classy. 20 Pack says they’re taking progressive baby steps, so she asks him to kiss her to speed things along. Mama wants to get laid, yo. Hilariously, he stops just shy of her lips and is like, “You sure?” No, she was just foolin’. What the fuck? Understandably, she’s kind of offended, and he says a kiss is a big step for him. Maybe 20 Pack is actually the dude who’s not into ladies. I mean, I know she’s gross, but hell I’d kiss her if she asked me. She’d probably pay me for it.

You are so beautiful to meeeee.

They cruise back to the mansion, and 20 Pack immediately orders a house meeting to call Tailor Made out on his bullshit. He starts the meeting by asking Pretty, “Did you know you’re gay?” If he didn’t before, he’s probably starting to realize now! 20 Pack goes on to tell everyone that Tailor Made is gossiping to New York and her mom, and now you know some punches are gonna be thrown. Tailor Made tries to defend himself by saying he heard some crap, and he took it out of context. Wait, how? Either someone’s gay or they’re not, right?

He drags The Entertainer into it, but The Entertainer maintains there wasn’t any proof of Pretty’s queerosity. It’s hard to have proof unless someone’s actually giving you a blowjob, so nice research. Mr. Wise asks Tailor Made how he sleeps at night, and for a second I took that as hilariously homosexual, like he was asking, “Do you sleep naked, with a pillow between your legs to give your balls some room?” Sadly he meant it as a conscience thing. Tailor Made tells him to go fuck himself, and Mr. Wise’s skull explodes. In confessional, Mr. Wise says, “Me, being where I’m from… that’s a total insult.” Really? Because where I’m from, that’s just a way of saying howdy. Culture clash!

Tailor Made tells everyone they’re always bringing up shit about other people, but they never do anything about it. That’s the final straw for Mr. Wise, who rants about being tired of hearing Tailor Made’s mouth. Of course, all of this is a little more laden with expletives. Mr. Wise asks for someone to take Tailor Made outside so they don’t get into a confrontation, but no one listens. Instead, Tailor Made starts giggling and playing pool, like you would in this exact situation.

While Mr. Wise goes outside to get some air, Tailor Made sits down to phone his mama. It would be so amazing if he called her like, “Mom, can you come down here and help me out?” Meanwhile, Mr. Wise has an existential crisis. He’s not the same person he used to be, so he knows he shouldn’t hurt Tailor Made but…why not, you know? Dude deserves it! Taking the low road, which is also the blissfully wonderful road, Mr. Wise goes back inside to destroy Tailor Made limb from limb. He gets into Tailor Made’s face and tells him to never speak to him like that again, and Tailor Made is just barely keeping himself from weeping all over the place. His strategy for the fight is the same plan people have when a bee is around: sit very still and maybe it won’t get you. At least, that was his plan until he spits right in Mr. Wise’s face. Even Midget Mac recoils in horror from across the room. He may be little, but he has a big heart, y’all!

Mr. Wise demolishes a table in his attempt to get to Tailor Made, and The Entertainer has to literally wrestle him to the floor so that Wise doesn’t put his foot through Tailor Made’s ass. He starts screaming about how he’ll fucking murder him, and finally The Entertainer loses his safety grip. Mr. Wise charges towards Tailor Made, and the footage fades ominously as Mr. Wise tries to tackle him. When it comes back, Tailor Made has to clean himself up after peeing all over the place in fear. They both have to spend some time alone to compose themselves, and it’s great because Mr. Wise shows some remorse. Of course, it’s remorse for not punching Tailor Made right in the mouth, which is fabulous.

Punk asks Tailor Made why he would spit in someone’s face, especially considering how New York flipped out when Pumkin did it to her. Tailor Made’s answer is like, “You don’t understand, I was sitting there with my legs crossed!” Which means what, exactly? I’m going to say it means he was trying not to bone Mr. Wise from behind. That’s clearly the only logical answer. Punk walks out about halfway through Tailor Made’s nonsensical diatribe, saying he couldn’t associate with a person who would spit in someone’s face. That said, he’ll happily associate with The Entertainer and his foot fetish.

Right away, Tailor Made is in New York’s bedroom to tell her everything that went down. She greets him by saying, “Now what?” which is a relief. If she’s still majorly into him after all of this, girl is nuts. (Well, she’s nuts anyway, but come on.) He explains his side of the story, which is: whoops, he spit in someone’s face! In response, New York poops her pants. She snaps on him and jumps up, yelling, and Tailor Made flinches so hard. “Don’t you know that’s an offense?” She asks, and I don’t know what that means. Is it against the law to spit on someone? Because I was unaware of that, but admittedly I’m not exactly up with all the lawyer meetings, so maybe I’m wrong. She calls him a dumbass and he’s not even bothered. He says he’s a fool in love, which made me snort a little bit. He’s some kinda fool, totally! She orders him to get the fuck out of her room and slams the door behind him, but it actually hits him right in the ass. You hear that phrase a lot, “Don’t let the door hit you on your way out,” but it’s so fucking funny when it actually happens. Yay!

Downstairs, Pretty makes an executive decision that Tailor Made is no longer one of Sister Patterson’s boys, which could definitely come back to haunt him. Tailor Made could rape a baby, but if you dare to question Sister Patterson’s judgment, you know she’ll eat your face. Still, Pretty gathers up all of Tailor Made’s belongings and chucks them outside, aka pulls a Schatar, if any of you partook in Charm School. He and Punk come inside to let Tailor Made know he’s been evicted, and he agrees to move his stuff. Well, oops, it’s already been moved for him. Tailor Made pops a vein and runs after them, and it’s kind of like if Midget Mac threatened you in a dark alley. No one’s scared, they’re just laughing. His big line is “One thing you don’t fuck with is a man’s clothes.” Ooh, quaking in my $3000 suit!

Elimination time rolls around, and everyone’s pretty much aiming for Tailor Made to start movin’ on. New York’s upset as she comes downstairs. When the guys get violent, they pretty much eliminate themselves, and she prefers to shame them on her own. It’s not as much fun when they decide to act foolish! She decides not to deal with the chains tonight, considering what’s been happening in the house. She shuts the case in anger, and then in the next shot, it’s wide open. Oh continuity, how I love thee!

New York tells Mr. Wise she heard what happened, and she commends him for staying focused on her and not beating the shit out of Tailor Made. She thanks him for being there for New York, and then they French graphically, blah. Neither of them is hot enough for that. She calls Tailor Made’s name next, reminding him that spitting on someone is the worst thing he could ever do. She’s fine with murder, but oh hell no, don’t you ever spit on anyone! (Just kidding – as a germ freak, I totally get the spit-hate.) Tailor Made is forced to apologize, although Mr. Wise does not accept it.

Tailor Made lowers his head in shame, so New York screams for him to look at her. Then she makes him turn around so she doesn’t have to see his face, which is amazing! She’s done a lot of crazy things, but she’s never actually put someone in time-out before. Despite calling him a pig, she says she can’t make any more eliminations based on anger. Also, losing Tailor Made would mean losing ratings. Girlfriend ain’t dumb! Therefore, she decides she and 20 Pack would just be best as friends. In the words of The Entertainer, “Holy shit!” She says he’s a wonderful person, but they could never be a couple. New York gives him a big hug and he gets lost in the crack between her boobies, never to be seen again.

Next week on I Love New York, the guys sign a blood oath for New York. God, it’s gonna be awesome when someone reveals they’ve got AIDS.