I Love New York 2: Blood Oaths and Spirits and Ghosts, Oh My!

This week on I Love New York 2, the mansion turns out to be haunted. More importantly though, we learn Midget Mac’s real name! Who gives a crap about evil spirits? It’s all about the Mac attack.

Picking up where we left off, New York socializes with the guys downstairs, lamenting the fact that she’s been hanging out with them every night and they’re still complaining. Shockingly, It is the whiniest of the bunch. Who knew It could grate on someone’s nerves? He’s such a charmer! While he motorboats her tits, Tailor Made does the sad Charlie Brown Christmas walk around the house. Since his roommates evicted him in the last episode, dude is pretty much screwed when it comes to sleeping. He winds up crashing on a lounge chair in the backyard, which doesn’t seem bad until the other guys come outside to find him. Oh Tailor Made, hard times are about to befall you, my friend.

As he snoozes, The Entertainer comes up behind him and screams that he loves New York, scaring the living shit out of Tailor Made. He reacts like a little girl, which is appropriate since his dressing gown makes him look like one.

Like any good woman, Tailor Made assumes the position.

Somehow he makes it through the night, and when morning comes, the butler delivers a note. New York says she’s their goddess (yeah, okay) and demands they bring her their most valuable item. The guy who most impresses her will get to spend some extra time with her. Okay, I know the point of this show is to land New York, but shit – what kind of lady insists on taking the most important item a guy can offer? I’d love to see someone bring their grandmother’s ashes and be like, “Here, bitch, what are you gonna do with these?” As soon as I wrote that sentence, Midget Mac was like, “Recently I had a major tragedy in my family,” and holy shit, I would marry him right this second if he did what I’m hoping for. Fingers crossed!

The guys collect their things and meet New York in what she calls “The Great Hall,” but that’s really giving this house more credit than it deserves. I sort of suspect everyone shares the same bathroom. The room is decorated with a bunch of skulls and all kinds of pirate memorabilia, plus a creepy old woman. Midget Mac refers to all of this as “polterjiest,” and yes, I know what he was trying to say but when you sound that silly on television, you deserve to be mocked.

New York tells the guys that she’s dated men who weren’t willing to make sacrifices for her. Obviously this means the contestants should have to sacrifice their most beloved object. Duh! One by one, they’ll have to place their item on the table in front of her and explain its significance. She believes the man who’s truly there for her will offer up his most sentimental item to truly please his goddess. Then the guys will have to sign a blood oath to profess their love for her. I know that sounds like something I would make up, but she actually said all of these things. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with her? She just spouts all this nonsense and then nods like it’s a normal request. Girl has lost her damn mind.

The creepy old lady in the room is New York’s spiritual advisor, Lori. She has a bunch of moles all across her face, and I swear, the first time they showed her on camera, I thought they were fake spiders just for decoration. Ultimately they’re real and just as terrifying. Lori is there to channel the spirits and find out who’s going to be true to New York. She tries to threaten the guys by saying they’d better be darn sure they’re telling the truth when they sign the oath, because she and her pendulum will know if they’re lying. Really? I’m sure that’s totally true, and Lori isn’t senile or suffering from Alzheimer’s at all. Everyone completely buys it though, and The Entertainer wipes his brow worriedly. Better watch out for that pendulum, dude!

He gets called up first, and in confessional he admits this is nothing to fuck around with. Fortunately, he can fuck around with New York whenever he pleases. He offers her a scarf made for him by his second family, a group of Down syndrome children he works with. That’s actually a really sweet gesture on his part, and surprisingly, New York doesn’t say anything like, “Ew, retarded kids.” However, she asks Lori if she’s picking up any negative vibes from The Entertainer since her mom thinks he’s a pervert. Lori assures her he’s not a perv, which means Lori is completely batshit crazy. If she’s so all knowing, she should know that he put New York’s toes in his damn mouth. That’s messed up! On cue, they show footage of that fine moment and I dryheave so hard. He needs to go home so we can stop reliving that memory. He reads some odd oath about how he’s not a sexual freak, and then he bleeds all over the paper. Awesomely, he closes his segment by assuring us that he always means what he says and he’d never break up with New York. He’s never dumped a woman – they always leave him. He says it so proudly, too. Nothing cooler than being like, “Hey, I’m a loser!”

Mr. Wise presents a picture his father painted of him, which New York does not appreciate. She says the guy in the picture is way too hot to be Mr. Wise, which…no.

A piece by Pablo PicASSo.

Pretty explains his gift is from his time as an intern at Capitol Hill. It’s a tie given to him by Bill Clinton, so New York promptly checks it for jizz stains. So classy! She then says she doesn’t want to keep the tie, but she’ll keep it anyway. That’s special. You know the only reason she doesn’t want to keep it is because she thinks the gift sucks, not because it has such sentimental value to Pretty.

Wolf gives her his college championship track ring, to which New York responds by having an enormous orgasm. She’d get like $50 for it at the pawn shop, so her excitement does not accurately reflect the situation at hand. In his oath, Wolf promises he’s well endowed and that he’ll use his dick however New York likes. Lori backs up his claims by saying, “Look at the pendulum!” The very pendulum she’s been swinging in her hand the whole time, which really hasn’t shown any change. Hmm, fascinating.

As a token of his affection, Punk offers New York his father’s gold wristwatch. It makes me sad that some people are actually giving up things that are significant in their lives. New York is a true cunt if she keeps this stuff. Punk tells her his father passed away four years ago, and they were very close. After a story about their relationship, New York actually decides to let him keep the watch, since she can see how much it means to him. Aww, heart is warmed! Punk says they shared a pretty intense moment together, and while I don’t know if I’d go that far, it’s significant that it’s the only time she’s been nice. Too bad some guys on the back line didn’t speak up like, “Hey, can I get my shit back too?”

Next up is It, and you know he’s going to present something ridiculous. Sure enough, his gift is a wallet his grandmother got in Egypt, and then a ring from his father. That sounds nice, but then he goes on to be like, “And my mother used this for her driver’s lesson, and she failed and she had it the second time, and she passed.” Time to get out the vaudeville hook and yank this asshole offstage. New York confirms he’s an idiot, and she wishes he wasn’t so damn dumb. Took the words right out of my mouth, girl! He stutters a few more sentences for her, but New York is more focused on scratching her boob right there in public so I’m distracted from what he said. Apparently the oath is too strong for him though, so not only does he refuse to sign in blood, he also says he can’t determine if he’s there for New York. Oh snap!

He makes a pretty good point, saying that he’s been there for a week so he’s not ready to commit to her for his entire life. Even though he’s an utter moron, he’s using common sense for once. New York’s boobs spew saline from all her rage, and she tells It that if he’s afraid of the spirits in the room, just wait until she’s on his ass. That would frighten anyone, really.

She calls Midget Mac up next, and I bet he’ll make her feel better. He should perform a song and dance. In confessional, he says he’s had a lot to get off his chest and knows this is the time to do it. He gives her pictures of his two daughters, which is sweet but also just fabulously disturbing. I can’t get over the idea of a midget having a kid, and I know that makes me mean and all, but oh my God – he uses his midget penis. The reason he’s giving the pictures is because their mother, his fiancée, passed away in March. That is seriously devastating, but it’s also the kind of thing New York will use against him when she eliminates him. You know, she won’t be eliminating him because he’s small or anything. It’s just because he’s not quite over his former fiancée. Sure enough, she says that very thing right away. I recap the show as I watch it for the first time, so y’all, I’ve got the ESP in me.

After the Macster, Tailor Made gets to approach his gal. His offering is also a picture of his daughter, whom he credits for all his accomplishments. He goes on and on, and New York is all like, “That shit sounds like a fucking Hallmark card.” Unfortunately, that’s not a good thing. He reads his oath, which includes swearing he’s not a snitch, and that makes dear old Lori shake her head. It’s all because of the pendulum, natch – it has nothing to do with all the other contestants laughing and rolling their eyes. Oh Lori, ye art so wise! She tells him to think twice about signing the oath, and The Entertainer wonders if Tailor Made will be cursed. Yeah, I’m sure this crazy old woman has the power to do that. Then The Entertainer soils his pants when Tailor Made signs in blood. Lori warns the guys that the spirits in the house are very unhappy with the gentlemen who lied. She says the spirits want to cough up some of the oaths and get rid of them, but instead she’s just going to walk out with New York. Clears all that up!

We cut away to the guys getting ready, and New York explains that the whole day was pretty deep. When things get heavy for her, she alleviates that by eating a lot, essentially making herself heavier to compensate. Yay! That logic is actually pretty adorable. Everyone sits down at a steakhouse, and she tells Punk that he touched her the most with his offering, so he wins the date. Tailor Made gets majorly pouty since the attention isn’t on him, so that’s his cue to stand up and make a toast in an attempt to repair his image. If nothing else, maybe it’ll earn him the right to sleep on the couch inside the house. He toasts to New York gracing them with her presence, to new beginnings, and to having love for Tiffany. Mr. Wise calls it bullshit, which it is, but New York eats that shit right up and calls it lovely. Hoorah! Let us all clink our glasses.

New York announces she received something in the mail today, which is 100% true. Everyone had their mail redirected to this house, dontcha know. She asks Punk to do the honors of reading the letter, and it starts out with the author saying he feels cheated at the prospect of them not being together. Some basic context clues reveal the author to be Buddha, and he calls Tailor Made the physical manifestation and representation of everything he hates in this world. Fucking love it! It doesn’t get any better than someone officially being like, “I despise you.” In confessional, Tailor Made says he realizes the note is from someone who definitely hates him. The beginning of the letter talked about their big showdown in the house, so Tailor Made is sort of blissfully moronic if he can’t put the pieces together. This man’s a father, ladies and gents. He and his kid can share flash cards.

Future Step-Mother of the Year.

Buddha’s letter goes on for like weeks, and he winds up talking about prisons and men corrupting nations, and dude, I have no idea what he’s smoking. Either way he should get to come back since he’s easy on the eyes and would be a perfectly volatile match for New York. Wolf says it was smart of her to have Punk read the letter, since Punk’s a Harvard graduate and there was some complicated shit in that letter. Wolf is dumb as fuck, so we can’t fault him for that statement. After the letter, New York says she feels her choice of keeping Buddha around was “tooken” from her. One of my favorite readers, blahblah, came up with a reality TV dictionary for me last week, but “tooken” is one word I can define on my own. Tooken = New York is also dumb as fuck.

She asks if anyone would like to join her for a smoke break, so Midget Mac jumps at the opportunity. As you’d expect, the effort is unnoticeable. He winds up out there with her anyway and she says she felt it was important for them to be alone tonight, which is clearly BS. She brings up his deceased baby mama, wondering if he’s ready to take things to the next level since he hasn’t dated anyone since her passing. It’s only been four months at the time of filming, so it sort of makes sense that he hasn’t dated, but que sera sera. At this point I’m noticing that Mac is smoking with New York, and there’s about a million offensive things coming to mind, but he’s getting pretty choked up during his conversation so I feel like I should lay off him a bit. New York agrees with me, so she says when she sees him, she feels so much joy. Hell yes, midgets are hilarious.

Then New York and Mac share a kiss, and the only reason this deserves its own paragraph is for these words of wisdom: “Midget Mac was a great kisser, you know…for a person with such small lips, small tongue, small teeth, small head and face.” You have no idea how happy that whole quote makes me, oh sweet corn.

They head inside, and New York alludes to a little dirty dirty happening between them just to get the other guys riled up. Then she asks their opinions on the blood oaths, and of course only It will tell her it was insane, but we can keep our fingers crossed. The Entertainer says he really believes in spirits and the creepy old gal, whereas It says he was distracted during the whole ceremony. Uh, with what? Had some important text messages to reply to, on the cell phone he can’t use in the house? He says he forgot to sign the oath, and all of that further makes New York worry that he’s not there for her. Amazingly she’s not reassured when he tells her she don’t gotta be frettin’. He’s super empathetic though, so when he senses there might be some frettin’ still going on, he explains, “I can’t say that I love her right yet. We never chilled and ate chicken wings on a bench, or ate French fries outside on a bench in the projects, know what I’m sayin’?” I do know what he’s saying, and I am wooed.

Following the confrontation, everyone drives back to the mansion. I assume all the guys realized they couldn’t top that crazy shit. Wolf thanks her for the dinner, and New York tells him how much fun she had with him. You know, in the five seconds they conversed. She moves right down the line of suitors, with Tailor Made finding her next. He basically starts molesting her on the spot, and to her credit she tells him to back up. Suddenly the lights go out, and everyone in the house flips their shit, which means The Entertainer must be pooping pure blood. It’s the spirits! There’s negative energy! You can’t hear me, but I’m making ghost sound effects right now.

A crew member gathers everyone in one location to make sure no one gets hurt while they figure out what’s happening with the lights. The power comes back pretty quickly, but New York refuses to go upstairs in case it goes out again. She starts to cling to The Entertainer, since you should naturally align with the dude whose knees are knocking together in a time like this, and then the whole house pretty much falls apart. There’s the sound of glass breaking and a bunch of things fall from above the mantle, and holy crap, New York runs all the way upstairs and right out the front door. Girl doesn’t play around with this stuff! She doesn’t even have shoes on her feet and she’s out the freaking door.

Punk follows her out, trailed by Tailor Made, of course. A few others tag along in time to listen to New York scream about how there’s evil in the house and she shan’t enter it again. She’s sort of channeling the God Warrior from Trading Spouses. She thinks Lori, who was previously her trusted spiritual advisor, put some kind of curse on the house. Certainly that would be the best way to use her powers. Punk says there’s some spirits chasing them up in there, all because New York and Tailor Made were touching. Finally we have proof he lied on his blood oath! Honestly, this whole segment is one of those things where you’re like – wait, really? This isn’t some kind of bad Saturday Night Live sketch?

New York tells Tailor Made this is why you shouldn’t play with the spiritual world. Now the spirits have taken over the whole house, and she surely can’t sleep in that environment. She leaves for a five-star hotel (of course) and tells the guys to fend for themselves, which is very gracious of her. You’d think Tailor Made would happily sleep in the yard now, but he actually passes out on the couch. Meanwhile, Punk makes a phone call and tells a friend the haps. That includes referring to Tailor Made as Prince, as in the Prince of Darkness. I like Punk, but dude, that’s kinda sad.

The Entertainer starts to hear voices inside the house, and while he’s eating some sort of rice bowl in his bedroom, he hears a door slam. Fabulously, Midget Mac is in the kitchen making eggs and he’s just like, “Oh, someone’s running.” It doesn’t alarm him that the full-sized men are frightened. His Midgetzu will get him through! The Entertainer insists he’s not scared, but when he goes into the gym and discovers it’s been destroyed, he screams like a woman. Punk darts in to check on things, and then he and The Entertainer scamper out in terror. In fact, The Entertainer is so freaked out he puts on It’s helmet from the presentation a few weeks ago. Sure, the spirits could destroy the entire house, but by God his head will be safe! To It’s credit, he calls The Entertainer “Sergeant Asshole,” and that sort of makes me want to jig around.

G.I. Joe, reporting for duty!

The next day, everyone is still alive, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you view things. Punk says he’s heard stories about that crazy spiritual shit, but he couldn’t believe it until he actually saw it. Now he’s experienced it firsthand, but it’s not time to dwell on that. Today’s his date, so it’s time to pump some iron and prepare, rah!

The butler delivers a note to Punk. New York says yesterday the men showed her they were willing to make some huge sacrifices for her love (gag), so as a reward, today they’ll get a poolside fiesta. Arriba! Since Punk’s sacrifice impressed her the most, he gets to meet New York downstairs for a very special date. He says all he needs is this one date, and aw, that probably means it’s going to backfire spectacularly. Every guy says that kind of thing, and then New York goes psychotic on him. Admittedly that’s not much of a stretch for her.

New York takes him to a spa, which hopefully won’t have the same mud bath that offended her so much last week. The date starts with her talking for like 20 minutes about how he’s beautiful – like really, he’s gorgeous. Did you know he’s handsome? Quite sexy, that one. Sadly, she worries that he might be too good to be true. She asks why he came all the way across the country to see about her. That’s sort of cute, but you know what’s not cute? Her luftballons.

Girlfriend, no.

Punk says he was able to come see her because he’s very fortunate. He can take time off to pursue things he’s deeply interested in, and all that sounds nice, but he doesn’t specifically say he wants her poonani. Needless to say, she loses interest quickly. She says he’s basically a boring guy with a great body, and to prove it, she asks what they’d do on a typical Saturday night together. His answer is renting movies and making popcorn, which is so freaking precious. New York falls asleep at the thought, smashes her head through the table, and the date comes to an end. Not really, but it would rock.

Punk realizes New York is hung up on finding a man who can handle her. Since she’s clearly getting bored, he decides to pull out all the stops, starting with asking her to hold still and then giving her a slow kiss. Too bad she hadn’t exhaled from her cigarette yet, so she’s trying to kiss while holding in smoke. Just a guess, but I’m betting that kills the mood a little. Punk is not deterred though, and soon New York shares that she felt the kiss in other places too. Don’t worry, that’s not an overshare – at least not compared to what she says 30 seconds later, which is that he’s a straight-laced guy but he’d make a hell of a lay, so she’ll keep him around a little longer. What an elegant woman we have on our hands! Reigning queen of the debutante ball.

Back at the mansion, están en la fiesta! Everyone starts frolicking pretty quickly. Midget Mac gets drunk as a skunk, several dudes start playing with pool floaties, and in general things are going great. That is, until Sister Patterson shows up. If you missed the episode, you should be grateful because no one in the world needs to see Sister P’s fat ass in a bathing suit. No sir.

She sits down to chat and asks everyone how they’re getting along with her baby, Tailor Made. Shockingly, everyone kind of hates him. He admits his behavior was despicable for the first few days, and while she agrees, she also defends him right away. Obviously it’s okay that he’s antagonizing everyone – he’s fighting for New York’s heart! That makes it all better. Once that’s all blown over, she wheels around and asks The Entertainer what he’s doing there. He says he’s there to win Tiffany’s heart, and by the way, he’s not a pervert. Apparently the moment where Sister Patterson called him a freak was one of the most uncomfortable in his life, but as I recall, he totally admitted to being one. Confusing! Then he starts saying, “When you called me a child molesting pervert–” and Sister Patterson starts shouting about how she never called him a child molester. He flails for words in response, but I sort of remember her doing that, to be honest. Of course I went to check it in my old recaps and got tired in 45 seconds. The world shall never know the truth!

Tailor Made delights in The Entertainer’s mistakes. He’s clearly just putting his foot in his mouth, so everyone else is free to sit back and watch with pleasure. After a good amount of berating, The Entertainer leaves to smoke a cigarette and Sister Patterson tells him not to come back. He mumbles some junk, who knows what, and it’s irritating enough that Sister Patterson throws her drink all over him. I feel like she’s the kind of lady who doesn’t give up a drink very easily, so this is probably a huge step. Even if it isn’t, just watching it made me want to sock her in the face.

After the fiesta, which I can only assume ended with Sister Patterson getting murdered, Tailor Made realizes he hasn’t spoken privately with New York since the spitting situation. He approaches her in the backyard and asks if she’s still mad at him, to which she replies, “Mad at you?” That’s a really awesome way of saying yes without actually saying it. He informs her he’s been working hard not to fight with the guys for the past two days or whatever, and then he tells her he spat on Mr. Wise for her. She doesn’t react to that at all, but wow, that’s not super flattering! Mayhaps New York is blinded by his gleaming, balding skull, so she can’t see what’s happening here. She asks Tailor Made if he truly loves her, and they share a moment that’s sort of cute in a weird way. He probably couldn’t give two shits about her in the real world, but he gives a resounding yes and then all’s well.

Sadly, elimination time rolls around pretty quickly. Tailor Made feels like he’ll do fine in the ceremony, since his bond with New York is still strong. On the other hand, It is worried since he doesn’t feel the same connection he felt when he was tongue kissing her. At least this show has been helpful for It. Now he knows the difference between loving someone and just feeling their tonsils while you French.

New York comes downstairs in a truly appalling outfit, but Sister Patterson’s isn’t much to sneeze at either. You kind of expect trashiness from New York, but Sister Patterson is supposed to be all Godly. God certainly did not bless her tatters.

Rest in peace, Lefty.

The first necklace goes to someone she’s having fun with, and that’s Punk. Chain number two is for someone who’s been doing a lot better around the house, someone who’s been making an effort – Tailor Made! Some of you guys have been saying in comments that Tailor Made is probably going to get his own spinoff, and I hate to say it, but you’re probably right. Methinks I will not recap that one. She asks him if he loves New York, and then they blow kisses and it’s all pretty gross. They hit their cute limit.

She wasn’t sure about the third guy in the beginning, but she’s definitely sure about him now, and that’s Mr. Wise. The next chain goes to a man who’s been keeping her happy, which is Pretty. With only three chains left, the pickings are getting slim. She calls Wolf to get a necklace, and then announces that the next man is someone she’s having mixed feelings about. Sometimes she likes him, sometimes she doesn’t, but she knows she’s not ready to let him go yet. With that, The Entertainer gets a chain. She says her mom thinks he’s a freak, but luckily she can appreciate a good freak in her house. That’s not that interesting, but when she said “a good freak,” she totally looked down to her own tits. That makes me pretty happy inside. It’s like she knows she looks like a circus sideshow act. Jubilee!

There’s only one chain left, and it’s down to Midget Mac and It. Mac says he can’t go home tonight because that would be absurd. That’s my favorite reasoning in the world. New York tells him he’s the biggest little man she’s ever met, but she doesn’t believe he can give her the love she’s looking for, considering the pain he’s still going through. She’s sorry, but Mac has to go. She asks for a hug, and when he walks over and comes right up to tit-height, she breaks down crying. This is sad but it’s not a huge shock, since we all knew New York would never go through life with a dwarf by her side. As Mac talks outside the house, the captions reveal that his real name is Torrey, which is hilarious. I guess Tiny Torrey didn’t have the same ring to it, huh?

Back inside, It starts to stretch with relief that he gets the last chain. Celebration! She crushes that dream pretty quickly though because the chain isn’t for him. Since he’s the only one who refused to sign the blood oath, she’s sending that fool out of her house. Something has to be done with that one remaining chain though, and it’s time for New York to show she’s still in control of her house. She decides to let someone back in the house against the producers’ wishes, and here comes Buddha! Tailor Made collapses in a pile of tears.

Next week, Season 1′s Mr. Boston makes an appearance, bragging about how he knew what New York liked to put in her mouth. Considering he ate his own boogers last season, I wouldn’t call him any kind of expert. Also, New York appears on Nip/Tuck, and then she has copious sex with Buddha. All in a day’s work!