I Love New York 2: Needs More Cowbell Ranch

Although my recap has definitely been this late before, this week it disappeared halfway through and I had a whole lot of rewriting to do. Sorry for the delay, but I can assure you this week’s I Love New York 2 is worth the wait! Although considering what show we’re talking about, well…maybe you shouldn’t hold me too accountable.

Now that Midget Mac is gone, I mostly expected the show to just stop. Obviously it can’t compare to previous weeks, but somehow there’s another episode for us! We start off with a look back at last week, where New York invites Buddha back to the competition. He walks in with a bouquet of flowers, and Tailor Made is in shock. Even though he can be a douchenozzle, he’s got a point. Buddha slapped in the face and made him cry like a baby, but New York wants him back around? That seems like a pretty terrible idea. Still, I can’t dislike Buddha. In confessional he says, “When I first walked out and I saw Tailor Made, I think he pissed in his clothes,” and the phrasing of that made me do the very same thing. Oh Buddha, I love you. New York slurs that she wanted to bring him back because she’s definitely interested in him, and then she says some more things that alcoholics say when they’ve had a few. You know the drill.

She tells the guys that before Buddha can come back to the house, she needs them to do something. If they all have to apologize to him individually, I will die. Unfortunately they don’t, but it’s something similarly ridiculous. They all must sign a contract saying they’re ready for Buddha to rejoin them, and if they have love for New York, then of course they’ll do it. If they don’t have love for her, then they’re just losers! Wonderfully succinct. On cue, Tailor Made tinkles. She asks Wolf to sign first, and he does so happily since he’s friends with Buddha. As long as his ass isn’t getting kicked, Wolf doesn’t care what goes down!

The Entertainer agrees to sign, followed by Punk, Pretty and Mr. Wise. Of course it all comes down to Tailor Made. New York calls his name like 16 times before he finally agrees to sign it. She says she knows Tailor Made is afraid he’ll get “yolked up again,” but that’s none of her concern. After all, she didn’t start the fight! That’s a sympathetic gal right there. After signing, Tailor Made says the last thing he’ll do is give Buddha the satisfaction of looking him in the eye, which means Tailor Made is a puss-puss.

New York welcomes Buddha back to the house with an open vagina, happily giving him a chain. This will come as a surprise, but Sister Patterson is displeased. I was shocked since she’s normally such a happy-go-lucky kinda gal. She knows Buddha is physically beautiful, but he has a dark side she hopes he can control. You know what I hope she can control? Her goddamn bra.

Put the mouse back in the house.

The butler brings in glasses of champagne, and Buddha gets to lead the toast since he’s the special guest. He toasts to love, respect, honor, and New York. Everyone drinks to his fine words, but as soon as that’s over with, Tailor Made hightails it outta there. The Entertainer gleefully says Tailor Made is scared shitless, and then he welcomes Buddha back again. It’s a wonder he doesn’t add on, “And by the way, can you make Tailor Made cry again? We like that!” I mean, everyone’s pretty much thinking it.

The next day, Buddha works out in the gym, which oddly looks like a prison. I’ve never noticed that before, but maybe the spirits rearranged things in the last episode. On the other side of the room, Tailor Made exercises with some dainty 25-pound weights. I know that’s probably impressive or something, but since Buddha’s pumping the 40-pounders, I’m finding it hard to care. Tailor Made says he needs to show New York there’s no other person in the world that can make her as happy as he can, and then he blows his nose enormously. That’s not the kind of gold she’s digging for, bro.

At breakfast, a note arrives from Miss New York. Buddha reads aloud and the note starts with, “Y’all know your girl New York loves to eat.” I didn’t know that so much, I just knew she loved meat in her mouth. Their challenge today is to prepare a meal for her, so they have to meet the butler with a grocery list in 30 minutes. Immediately The Entertainer takes off running across the house, heading for the phone to ask his mom for a recipe. I kind of love this. I also love that it was probably early in LA when they shot this scene, so I hope his mom was in New York or something and reacted like, “What the fuck you callin’ so early for?” While he’s talking, the other guys discuss marinating meat in wine to make it turn to mush, which sounds super duper appealing. Then The Entertainer’s mom tells him to add two jiggers of vodka to his recipe, and automatically you know he’s going to win. Alcohol saves the day!

Tailor Made says his idea of cooking is picking up the phone and ordering takeout, so he decides to make a salad. Yes, I’m sure that will impress her! Wolf’s idea is chicken fajitas, something that popped into his head when a little light bulb came on.

Hats off to Wolf!

After turning in their recipes, the guys go to an industrial kitchen to meet New York. She promptly introduces Master Chef Mr. Boston, who you may remember from last season as the guy who ate things from his nose. Seriously, what the fuck is he doing here? I always thought he was retarded, so it’s weird that he’s back and being taken seriously. She says he’s here to teach the boys how to please her mouth, which I’m sure is terribly hard to do. He reveals the secret ingredient for the day, and it’s ranch dressing, New York’s favorite food. Ranch dressing is sent from the gods, believe me, but Mr. Boston has it flowing from one of those chocolate fountains. That is not delicious. He says each contestant must use one cup of ranch in his recipe, and Tailor Made gulps dramatically. Woe is he, it’s so hard to include ranch dressing in…a salad.

Mr. Boston says New York and Sister Patterson will pick two winners to go on solo dates with New York. Tailor Made is determined to win since he needs more alone time with her now that Buddha’s back. That seems a little silly, since we know he’ll wind up cornering her about something in her bedroom as always, but more power to him! The guys have 30 minutes to make their meal, so everyone gets to work, with Boston encouraging them to use lots of ranch.

Immediately, Mr. Wise says he knows what he’s going to cook: hot dogs and French fries with ketchup, mustard, and a side of ranch dressing. Okay, I’m simple as hell but even I am like: ew. I’m glad he’s not slathering the dogs in salad dressing, but there’s a time and a place for hot dogs. The Entertainer is not as industrious, so he asks Boston for help with his pasta. Boston gives some great advice, which is to throw the ranch dressing over the penne. This seriously makes me want to die, but an adorable caption comes up as Boston speaks to Wolf, and that makes everything better.

The more you know!

Tailor Made grills up some salmon for his salad, and Boston recommends more ranch on everything. “If it’s undercooked, you put some ranch in. She got no fucking clue,” he says. This guy is retarded! He is literally mentally challenged! How come no one is mentioning this to him? Luckily Buddha is not a moron and realizes he shouldn’t douse all his food in ranch, no matter how many times the dude with extra chromosomes tells him he should.

Finally all the dishes are complete, and New York and her breasts flounce in for a taste test. She’s all like, “These guys have spent all day cooking for me!” but uh, she already established they had a half-hour to prepare their meal. Editing, you always make me giggle. New York says her mom will pick her favorite dish, and that chef will win a date with New York tonight. Whomever’s dish drives New York wild will win a date with her tomorrow. On with the eating!

The Entertainer presents his dish first. It’s penne a la vodka (which he pronounces as “vaka” over and over, making my skin crawl), a piece of garlic bread, and a baked potato filled with ranch dressing. Everything on the plate is covered in ranch, but it looks like a platter of Jizz Stew. Appetizing. New York loves it for the exact reason I mentioned earlier: “He incorporated both of my two favorite things in the whole world, ranch dressing and vodka! Nobody’s gonna beat this dish!” Oh New York, you are a winner at life.

Wolf offers up chicken fajitas, which might not be too bad. That could potentially work with ranch! She orgasms and then calls Pretty to serve his dish, called Mississippi Roll the Dice. Oh, this will go poorly. It’s cheesecake with a ranch surprise, and unfortunately it makes New York vomit into a bucket. You’d think that would be the worst meal of the day, but not to fear, Mr. Wise is up next with his hot dogs. All these people are so lame today! Sister Patterson calls the dish white trash, and then Mr. Wise says he has to be honest: this was his first time making French fries, so fingers crossed! Mr. Wise has apparently never cooked anything in an oven in his life, so this is all a big adventure for him.

Punk calls his meal Saturday Afternoon, and New York yells her mom’s name as he opens the serving tray. I could understand if he called it Afternoon Delight, but currently her enthusiasm confuses me. He serves bleu cheese burgers, but she cops a huge attitude about how she never told Punk she likes bleu cheese. She has to spit that shit out! Clearly Punk should have read her mind, so he is to blame. She calls in Tailor Made to remedy things, and he starts off by saying he wanted to create a dish that embodied who he thinks she is. As soon as you hear those words, you know this can’t be good, right? He reveals his meal, called the Smart, Sexy Salmon Salad. He knows she enjoys the finer things in life, so he dumped some caviar into the salad too, which offends her. She offers to at least try it, so everyone yells that it’s fish eggs just to psych her out. It works, she pukes, the end!

Buddha steps up last, and even though The Entertainer’s meal could get her nice and drunk, you know Buddha will probably win this round. His meal is called El Pollo de New York, and of course she likes anything with her name in it. Sister Patterson loves it, but New York decides Wolf’s dish was the one to die for. Yay Wolf and his big dong! Glad to know he can work both the vagina and a skillet. Unsurprisingly, Sister P picks Buddha. He grins confidently and Tailor Made nervously piddles on the floor.

Back at the house, Buddha meets New York for their date. He’s excited to rekindle their flame, so they promptly start making out as soon as they see each other. Tailor Made watches this from behind a curtain and then reacts like a cartoon character. He really rocks the sad face, with the turned-down corners of the mouth and everything. Love it!

Cue Debbie Downer sound effects.

While he pouts, Buddha and New York head off for their meal, which appears to be in her bedroom. That is elegant indeed. They talk about how much they missed each other, and she fellates his ego for a while by telling him he’s gorgeous, he’s really fucking hot, and so on. Buddha doesn’t seem to have a crazy ego or anything, but still, she probably doesn’t need to egg him on like this. He’s on reality TV, y’all! You know there’s some crazy inside him, especially after he slapped Tailor Made around a few weeks ago. Still, she says he makes her feel passionate and she hasn’t had that feeling with anyone else. Predictably the conversation turns to sexy matters right away. She informs him she’s very aggressive in the bedroom (and also, uh, in every area of her life), but he wonders if she can handle him. She says he would be the ultimate challenge for her in bed, and in her own words, “It would just be so fucked up for you to be so gorgeous and have a small penis.” Nicely put! He tells her not to worry about that – he’s got references if she wants them.

Then the footage cuts away to Tailor Made whining his way through the house, and the timing of that is delicious. I hope Tailor Made can vouch that Buddha has a big old cock. While he paces at the foot of the stairs, New York confides in Buddha that she has trust issues. He’s actually so precious in response. He says it’s incredibly big of her to recognize that, and then they start to have a deep conversation about trust and love. It feels sort of wrong to write about it. Sure, it’s probably crap, but it seems real! She tells him he feels like the real thing, so that’s their cue to start feelin’ on each other. After a long period of Frenching, she says he tastes like Valentine’s Day chocolates, the kind in the red heart. I love this more than anything. She’s not like, “You taste like Godiva” or something; instead she’s like, “You taste like a box of candy I can get for $3.99 at the nearest Food Lion.”

After the date, which sadly doesn’t end with a good romp in the sack, New York goes downstairs to check on the other guys. She enjoys her usual ritual of flirting, and when she’s all finished, Tailor Made trails her up to her room. Surprise! She tells him she thought he was ready to leave the competition, and just as he starts to explain why she should pick him, Punk walks over to join the fun. New York’s reaction to this is ridiculous. I like Punk, sure, but New York screams and leaps into his arms.

Awkward silence.

Tailor Made boo-hoos and then gets on the phone. He says he needs to re-establish his close connection with New York, and man, he’s starting to seem more and more like a serial killer. He orders some sort of gift over the phone, which comes to $855.36. She’ll be flattered he wanted to drop so much cash on her, but I bet this will be an expensive ceramic cow or something. He should’ve just handed her the money for her, ahem, services.

The next day, it’s time for Wolf and New York to go on their date. We haven’t seen too terribly much of Wolf, but now we get to find out he speaks like he has a mouthful of marbles, so that’s good to know. He and Buddha have a conversation that I honestly can’t understand even with subtitles, but it ends with Buddha saying Wolf should’ve been nicknamed Flatulence since he farts so often. I would seriously pay so much money to see Wolf fart during his date with New York, I swear to God. Please keep your fingers crossed with me. Let’s work on this together.

New York has a special surprise for Wolf. He’ll be going with her to a place that’s really important to her career, and she just wants him to be a part of this for her. In reality, she probably made the date and then realized she already had plans that day. Oh well, they can all threeway! She reveals the date will be to her appearance on Nip/Tuck. I wonder why they cast her on that show. It’s not like she’s had any visible plastic surgery…. New York says she’s sure Wolf won’t embarrass her at all on set because he’s great to look at. Certainly that’s all that matters.

In their limo, New York says this is the perfect date for the two of them. They’re just getting to know each other, so it’s great that this date will last all day and into the night. She’s busy laughing about it, and it’s awesome because Wolf’s big grin fades into this really uncomfortable smile. It’s like all of a sudden he realizes, “Oh crap! I have to spend the entire day with her!”

He’s made a huge mistake.

They arrive at the set and New York meets the executive producer of Nip/Tuck, Ryan Murphy. He says they’re doing a reality TV episode, so he wanted to have the biggest reality TV star for it. Since Johnny Fairplay was unavailable, they settled for New York. No, just kidding! He wanted her all along, which is great because at least they’re not legitimately considering her an actress. She’s just playing herself. Proving that, when presented with a bottle of Dom Perignon to drink between takes, she squeals and pronounces it as spelled. Dom Per-ig-non! Yay!

Ryan tells New York he’s a huge fan of her show, so he wrote this episode specifically to have her appear. Good times! I don’t have the stomach for Nip/Tuck‘s gorey gore, but the show’s fans probably have the same reaction to New York, so I feel like we’re all living equally here. The producer kind of queens out and starts asking Wolf for gossip about the show, and Wolf’s answers to the questions are like, “Huh?” He is hung but dumb. The producer says New York should just marry him instead, but bro, you are gay. God only knows what wonders are hidden underneath her clothes, but there’s like a 65% chance there’s not a penis.

New York and Wolf make their way to her trailer to have lunch, and he is so freaking stupid. I feel like I say this about someone every week, but oh my God, they’re morons. He sniffs a ball of mozzarella cheese and asks if it’s meat. Watching them dine together is like watching New York babysit a little boy. He refuses to try his tuna because he won’t like it, but when he finally gives in and takes a taste, he complains it’s not tuna out of a can. Dude, you’re like 30. Please stop with your stupidity. Even though he’s a bumpkin, New York thinks he looks great on her arm and that’s enough reason to keep him around for now. So glad she’s not shallow!

The two of them sit down to run lines together, and it’s a testament to her memorization skills that she can recite anything back to him. She certainly can’t understand any cues from him because y’all, the boy can’t speak. He mumbles that he wanted to kiss her, but he’s so good at it that she’d forget all her lines. Mmhmm, I’m so sure. Instead of working more on the script or even getting laid, the two of them then fall asleep, all while candles burn on their lunch table. Delightful! Judging by the editing, they sleep for like two hours, and then all of a sudden it happens: Wolf fucking farts while her head is resting right next to his hip. Oh, Wolf, you gassy man. You are going home. The stink wakes New York and causes her to walk away from him, and Wolf is all like, “Yeah, that was me. Jealous?” Totally, dude, totally.

Then it’s time to shoot her scene. Everyone applauds for her as she walks onto the set, and she seems pretty genuinely happy to have a chance to act, although I don’t know if this really counts as an official acting job. I’m sure Nip/Tuck is great, but is it really acting if you’re playing yourself? Her scenes are with the truly hideous Leslie Grossman and the very sexy Julian McMahon. I think they’re scenes, anyway. She starts dropping the f-bomb and giggling, which I can’t imagine was in the script, but stranger things have happened! Julian and New York wind up kissing on the mouth, and again, I don’t know if this is a scene or just them hanging out. The executive producer sums it up by saying, “She came, she saw, she acted, and she smoked.” He seems hilariously unimpressed, and not gonna lie, that makes me happy.

After leaving the set, New York asks a stagehand if that was all rehearsal or if they actually filmed anything. She’s then informed that they just shot her whole episode, and New York is like, “Really? I can hardly walk!” Methinks someone cracked open that Dom Per-ig-non.

She and Wolf head back to the mansion via their designated driver, and she decides to talk to the guys before elimination. She meets Punk first and they take up residence in the backyard for a pow-wow. He says when he doesn’t see her for a day, he feels pretty down, but then he gets so excited when she walks in. She says, “Yeah!” all eagerly, like she totally knows what he means – she feels the same way about herself too! He reveals he’s starting to fall in love with her, and she says to let his emotions run. Out of nowhere, Buddha appears before them and is like, “Speaking of running, let me take you out of here right quick” and drags New York away. I’m not making any of that up, this ridiculous scene seriously just played out on national television. Punk goes, “Oh, Buddha!” and just kind of shrugs at the camera. Foiled again!

He brings her inside and they hang out in the living room with everyone else. Pretty picks her up and starts squeezing her ass, which I guess is par for the course in this house, and then he carries her upstairs. She says, “The only thing that’s running through my mind is, ‘Bitch, you are so smart for putting panties on.’” I feel like that’s a good decision just in general, just for everyday life, but I can see how a skankaroo would feel otherwise. That’s cool! He brings her to her bedroom and starts kissing her outside the door, and Tailor Made follows them up and just stares, waiting for them to break it off. God, why is he so creepy?

He finally guilts Pretty into taking his tongue out of New York’s mouth, and then he starts telling her how he’s been dreaming about her. Tailor Made is becoming all kinds of terrifying. That doesn’t impress her, but she notices he has a gift so she asks what’s in the bag. In confessional, she goes, “If he buys me a pack of hair, Indian Remy, he is in!” That would be the most amazing gift of all time, mostly because I’m pasty white and I think a pack of hair is hysterical. Sadly, he only bought her a lace negligee. I’m not exactly dropping 800 bone on negligees all the time, but I’m fairly sure the dress he bought her is not worth all that money, just so you know. Just want us to be on the same page! She and Tailor Made both say “I love you” though, and that prompts him to make the following face.

Hyuck.

Time for elimination! Tailor Made isn’t sure how to feel. New York says he’s number one in her heart, but maybe she’s telling that to every guy! Newsflash: she is. Buddha feels safe, most likely because he will probably win this show. Mr. Wise says if he’s sent home tonight, he’ll feel upset. I wonder if he’ll be as upset as New York was when he served her a plate of hot dogs. Wolf says he won’t be going home tonight because there’s no way New York could send him home without seeing his package. He’s starting to sound more and more like It when he speaks, but dude’s got a point. New York likes the schlong, y’all.

Sister Patterson enters, looking schlumpy as hell, and then New York walks in wearing the dress Tailor Made gave her. She looks sort of gorgeous, but Jesus Christ, her freaking boobs. It’s useless to screencap them when they look just as atrocious as they always do, but oh my God, they are so big. Sometimes I’m honestly afraid they’ll just float away like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon.

No matter, the show must go on. She says some guys have started to separate themselves from the pack, but unfortunately, some have started to separate from her. She needs an aggressive man – you know, like Buddha: a man who can slap her around a little bit! After reminding them that the chains are given in the order of the guys who are making the most effort, she gets down to business. Her first chain is for Tailor Made because he went from the doghouse to the penthouse. What a clever girl you are, New York. Tailor Made is such a tool, so it makes me really happy that Buddha just laughs the whole thing off and says, “Thanks for getting my girl a gift, yo. I’ll be taking it off later on sometime.” Awww yeahhh! And it’ll all be televised.

The next chain goes to Buddha, since he’s opened up to her the most. Punk is third and he aggressively tells her the first chain should’ve been his. As much as I like Punk, it would be sort of funny if she decided he didn’t deserve any chain for having that sass mouth, but she just giggles and sends him on his way. The Entertainer gets the next chain, followed by Pretty who’s all decked out in a bowtie. Sexy!

It’s down to Wolf and Mr. Wise. She says her decision tonight was based on effort, and it was tough but not that hard for her. Obviously Mr. Wise and his hot dogs will be hitting the bricks. In his interview, Wolf says if he goes home tonight, he’ll be appalled. Then he adds onto that by saying, “Is that a bad word? Like, it don’t mean something good, do it?” God, please do a double eviction.

Unfortunately only one man is going home, and that’s…Wolf! Eee! She gives Mr. Wise the chain because he’s made an impact on her, but he’s also been laying low. She asks if he wants her and he answers, “Yes, I do, and…”

And…that.

Glad we got that settled. She tells Wolf he’s nice and sweet, but he’s a country bumpkin who will never fit into the exciting life of Hollywood. Sad panda. They agree to get some ribs together in the future, but Wolf says she’s missing out on a lot and then unzips his pants. What a shame she won’t have this classy gentleman by her side for life.

Sister Patterson tells the guys they all deserve to be there, and then she encourages them to destroy each other and hurry up and get this over with. New York giggles and says, “Goodnight, baby!” It makes me vaguely uncomfortable that New York and her mom talk to each other like that. They better not start sharing lingering kisses on the mouth or anything. You never know what’ll happen with some Dom Per-ig-non in your system.

Next week, New York brings in the guys’ exes to humiliate them all on TV. Two of last season’s finalists, Chance and Real, interrogate the contestants. New York and Chance make out all over the place, and New York gets into some kind of fight where she screams, “I don’t give a fuck!” to her mama. Wash that girl’s mouth out with soap, Mom! Wash the rest of her while you’re there, too. Who knows how long it’s been.