I Love New York 2: Take a Chance On Me

This week on I Love New York 2, the entire episode is one big awkward moment. It may not be for the faint of heart, but it’s definitely for anyone whose heart is as cold and black as mine. Yay!

We open to Sister Patterson and New York waltzing downstairs to greet the guys, which is strange. Usually the portly butler delivers her daily letter, so I can only assume he’s in a diabetic coma. No matter, New York has some guests who will make the guys’ hearts sink. She doesn’t pussyfoot around, either — their exes are there! The Entertainer immediately looks like he wants to die. He says he’ll feel so much better when this day is over, which means he must have some deliciously awful ex stories. You’ll remember he’s never broken up with a girl before, so some chick will come in with a detailed list of why he was too revolting to date. Yay!

New York says, “You can always tell a man where he’s going from where he’s been.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but the way I see it, if he’s dated sluts in the past then he’s going to wind up with New York, right? It just all fits together! She brings the ladies out right away, starting with Punk’s ex, Chrystal. He’s shocked she’s there but they share a friendly hug, so that probably means he’s not too much of a dick in relationships. For Buddha, New York presents…his sister. What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck. She says Buddha’s ex couldn’t be here because she’s crazy, but I kind of assume Buddha has more than one ex to bring. It doesn’t seem fair that his sister is there to talk him up. It also feels sort of squicky because you know I assumed they had a little somethin’ somethin’ going on when she came out. Let’s be honest, I’m still assuming it.

Megan, The Entertainer’s ex, is introduced next. New York immediately starts laughing when she sees her, since Megan’s sort of large and has hilarious boobs. New York can’t really judge, but okay. In confessional, The Entertainer shares that having Megan here could hurt his chances with New York, and it surely seems like that’s the case. New York says it looks like his ex likes to eat in her spare time, which is totally mean and I kind of love it.

New York calls for Mr. Wise’s ex, Kia, to come forth. She’s black so of course New York immediately shows some interest. That can help break the ice when they start talking shit about Mr. Wise. He’s nervous to have Kia around since she knows a lot about him, and naturally New York will try to dig into that. The next guest is Pretty’s sister, Lashonda. Surprisingly, instead of being excited about meeting the family and all, New York says it’s not a good thing for Buddha and Pretty’s sisters to be there over their exes. She says it makes them seem like they have something to hide, and I’m actually impressed with that kind of thinking! Someone must’ve written that up for New York because that’s usually not her jam.

The last girl to join the party is Tailor Made’s wife, Nancy. I actually gasped when New York said that, even though they’ve totally been through this before. Just like I forgot how to tell time last week, apparently I also forgot everything I’ve ever written about. Tailor Made is nervous, but no more so than Sister Patterson whose weave flies off in shock. The whole thing makes Nancy snort with laughter, which I think is hilarious and endearing on anyone. New York disagrees. She was expecting Tailor Made’s ex to be someone like Ciara or Beyonce, though I have absolutely no idea why, but she says she got Aunt Esther or Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo. What I love about that isn’t just that it’s mean, it’s that it’s so carefully planned out.

New York tells the guys to take their ladies to the backyard for drinks, and she’ll call for couples to chat with her and her mom. Her mom’s elegant opinion of the exes is that they all look like boys, so whoever winds up with New York will really be getting an upgrade. Really? Huh. Wouldn’t have been my guess, but sure.

Everyone heads out back, and Kia and Mr. Wise discuss his time in the house. He tells her he could really grow something with New York, and she says this is killing her. Awkwaaaard. She admits she’s being emotional and Mr. Wise relates, and all that’s wonderful but I’m a little distracted by Megan scratching her armpit in the background of the scene.

15 seconds of fame.

Mr. Wise thought there might be some drama with his ex around, so that’s Kia’s cue to ask if New York’s seen his package. Wise is all like, “My what?” You know, the UPS box you had delivered. What the hell do you think she’s talking about? He tells her she hasn’t, and Kia says, “‘Cause if she sees that it’s a wrap.” She laughs like she’s kidding but nope, there’s definitely some crazy inside this girl. The climax of this episode will be Kia jumping on New York to knock her out from behind. It’ll be hilarious though, don’t get me wrong.

The butler, who is apparently still alive, calls for Tailor Made and Nancy to come inside. Tailor Made thinks this chat will do a world of good. After all, he and Nancy are only platonic friends, so that whole marriage doohicky is just a technicality. Marriage schmarriage! Somehow I don’t think New York and her mom will view it the same way. New York invites Nancy to come talk with her privately, and Tailor Made is banished to an interrogation chamber. He’s left to wait for company, which soon arrives in the form of Chance and Real, two of last season’s finalists. Oh boy! Tailor Made says he’s starting to shit bricks, which seems appropriate.

Real immediately grills Tailor Made about still being married, saying he must want New York to commit adultery. Tailor Made would be the one doing that though, right? Wouldn’t he be the only one cheating? Before he can stutter an explanation, the guys start yelling at him to make eye contact and not to lie. In the ladies’ conference room, things are much more friendly. New York asks Nancy how long she dated Tailor Made before things became hot and heavy, but I sort of doubt that ever happened. One look at him just screams, “I can’t get it up.” Nancy says they got married after dating for nine months, and that concerns New York. She wants to know if he’s actually there for her or just for the chase of it all, but Nancy promises he’s there for love since this isn’t something he would usually do.

Back downstairs, Real says it seems like Tailor Made falls in love fast. He agrees, even though they didn’t mean it as a good thing, and says he’d marry New York. When asked if he’d backstab any other guy in the house to get her, he gleefully shares that he already has. That would sort of worry me if I were in New York’s shoes, but you know she digs that sort of thing so I bet Real is taking careful notes. His next question is how Tailor Made got some scar across his lip, which I’ve never even noticed, and Chance is all like, “Snitching!” Chance is completely useless. This is his only contribution to the whole shebang. Tailor Made hesitates when answering, and in confessional he says he didn’t know how to handle this. It’s sort of sad that the question that trips him up is about a scar he’s probably had for a long time. Considering it lives on his face, maybe he should be aware of it. The rest of their time with Tailor Made mostly consists of Real and Chance yelling over each other, so while I can’t tell you what happens, Tailor Made concludes that Real and Chance will tell New York they hate him. That pretty much sums it up!

The butler summons The Entertainer and Megan next. Real asks why his nickname is The Entertainer, and they go back and forth with points like “I entertain” and “But what do you do?” It repeats for like 20 minutes. Ultimately it comes out that The Entertainer works for UPS, which is all kinds of amazing since that really has nothing to do with entertaining, unless he delivers singing telegrams. I would completely root for him on this show if that were his profession. Upstairs, New York and Megan’s boobs converse about their man. Megan says they broke up because The Entertainer tends to have a little bit of a temper, so then the footage cuts away to Chance trying to start a fight. Clearly he’s the better contender!

Megan breaks the news that The Entertainer still lives in his parents’ basement, which is especially sad considering he’s like 40. Apparently UPS doesn’t pay the big bucks. She talks about how awkward it was to spend the night there, and New York says he’ll have to move out if he wants to be with her. She won’t be sneaking into his parents’ basement at age 25! If she’s 25, then let’s have a moment of silence for her freaking face. Time really keeps on ticking for our dear friend Tiffany. Back in the interrogation room, I have absolutely no clue what’s going on. Whenever Chance takes over the questions, it’s just a mix of swear words and him being like, “Whahurhur ha, son?” Beats the hell out of me, but whatever he asks prompts The Entertainer to make the following face.

His love for New York turns him into a funhouse clown.

Punk is the next victim. Real asks how long he was with Chrystal, to which he answers about four months. They both confirm they weren’t in love, although she still seems pretty into him from her conversation with New York. She’s practically about to burst into tears, but when you consider the people she’s sitting in front of, she might just be frightened. Downstairs, Real asks Punk’s reasons for breaking up with Denise. Who the fuck is Denise? I guess from context clues we can assume she’s a previous ex, but I’d like for them to graph out some charts and maps for everyone’s relationships, please and thanks. Punk didn’t want his relationship with Denise to go any further, so he told her they’d be better off as friends. They must not be very good friends if she wouldn’t come on the show, aw snap!

Chance asks Punk how Sister Patterson feels about him, so Punk explains the whole Mama’s Boys thing. Just as Chance says Sister Patterson loved him too, Punk blurts out, “That’s more than I can say for you, buddy.” Suddenly, things do not look good. Punk tells Chance he’s not going to come in here and muscle him, and after a long tirade of swearing on both ends, Chance throws his chair against the wall. Not to be outdone, Punk turns the whole fucking table over. Love it!

Punk says he’ll kick both Chance and Real’s ass, so Chance responds by breaking the overhead light. You know, like ya do. It’s kind of awesome that Punk sticks up for himself, even if it’s a little random, and I guess Chance and Real finally decide that too because they all settle down and get back to the questioning. This show is hilarious because fights come and go just like that – like, I was furious and threatening to kill you, but now it’s no big deal!

Next, New York and Sister P meet up with Kia. New York asks how Kia met her ex, and she says they used to work together. They also dated off and on for four years. Mr. Wise sort of contradicts everything she says, but only by a little bit so you can’t really tell who’s lying. He says they dated for three years and spoke two weeks ago, while she says it’s been a month or two. Kia reveals he’s been calling her though, and that sets New York off. She responds, “If you want to talk to her that badly, why you livin’ in my house, eatin’ my food, stinkin’ up my bathrooms, and bein’ in my face?” In other news, New York and I just got married.

Buddha’s sister, Thais, is the next victim. She shares that Buddha’s last relationship was five years ago, and he broke up with her because she was a crazy-ass stalker. Sounds like a good reason! Luckily it doesn’t have to do with him being a nut or anything — don’t get me wrong, he’s totally beaten the crap out of men before, but never a woman. Yay! Unfortch, Sister Patterson doesn’t buy it. She believes tons of women have restraining orders out against Buddha, instead of the other way around. That’s New York’s cue to tell Thais about Buddha’s showdown with Tailor Made, and Thais just nods like that’s normal and also entertaining. She says he’s got a bad temper but he knows he needs to work on it, so I guess that makes it okay. Sister Patterson thinks it’s a red flag that his sister is warning them about all this. I hate to say it, but for once Mama might actually be right.

After Thais, it’s time for Lashonda to end the rumors about Pretty being a big ol’ queerbait. Sister Patterson asks if he’s ever had a boyfriend, and Lashonda says, “No. Oh God, no!” which is sort of adorable. Goodness me, don’t suggest my brother could be a dick fan! In Pretty’s interview, Real says there’s rumors of him being a homo, and homo is censored. VH1 will broadcast things like, “You stinky ho, you had his dick in your ass!” but homo is too offensive. Sorry, queers. Pretty says there will be rumors no matter what, and he’s secure with himself so he really doesn’t care if they call him gay. Good for him, but he should probably start caring because he comes off very fruity indeed. Despite his claims that he totally lost his virginity when he was a teenager and introduced all his girlfriends to his sister, Lashonda is like, “Uh, none of that ever happened.” You know a girl with a name like that is gonna speak the truth, word?

Elsewhere in the house, Buddha finds Punk to ask how his meeting went. That’s all well and good, but what’s a little more important is Punk’s creepy freaking bed.

Every step you take, I’ll be watching you.

Shit, if anyone put a cardboard cutout of me next to their bed, I would feel a little frightened! What the hell is with that? Punk explains what happened between him and Chance, and as expected, Buddha soils himself mid-giggle. He says Real and Chance are just characters, which prompts Punk to say they’re around for comedy games. That is one amazing phrase. A roommate of mine used to tell me she didn’t get “the comedy jokes,” and as much as I love that, I might love Punk’s combo even more.

Soon New York announces she’ll be having dinner with Real and Chance to get all the dirt from the day. While there, she will also probably get herpes. Then they and the exes will return to the house for a big party to clear up any lingering questions. Overall, Punk is jealous. Since Chance almost won New York’s heart last season, Punk thinks it’s a little messed up for him to be going on a date with her now. Consider the people we’ve got here, you know? They’ll be fucking in the limo in no time. Sure enough, New York heads off with them, immediately gushing about how she wants to catch up with her two buddies. “Catch up with” is slang for “give head to.”

Having Real and Chance around brings back so many memories for New York. Real used to give her pedicures (ew) and Chance, well, he used to do everything else to her. Marvelous! Right away New York starts groping Chance just like she used to, and at home the contestants chat about how they are all fucked. Pretty thinks it’s crap they didn’t get a chance to say something to New York & Company before leaving, while Punk says some shit’s going to go down if Chance comes back. Not sure if he means coming back to the competition or just back to the house for the party, but either way it should be worth a laugh or two.

Meanwhile, in New York’s limo, she tells Chance she misses him. This makes Real a very happy camper.

Third wheel drive.

She has a special place in her heart for Chance, so this reunion feels just like old times! It’s enough to make her start to kiss him on the mouth. She wants to please him, she wants him to please her, she wants to put her tongue in his ear, etc. It all makes you wonder why she didn’t just date Chance when things fell through with Tango last season, but oh well! She’s just about to fuck his brains out when Real reminds her of the other guys. He asks if Chance should get back in the competition, and goodness me I hope he does not. Real encourages it, telling her she’s only got one life to live, but dudes – I’ve only got one life to live as well, and it’ll be a mighty bleak one if I have to look at Chance every week.

It’s time to talk about the current competitors over dinner. Real says girls think with their heart instead of their mind, but New York needs to start thinking with both. He’s doing her a real favor by assuming she thinks at all. This will probably be much more challenging than he expects. They start off analyzing Punk though, to which Chance asks, “Who’s Punk?” Why is this guy so fucking stupid? He gets into a big brawl with Punk and then is like, who’s that? I hate everything about Chance, oh my God.

Once he’s reminded who they’re talking about, he says to get rid of Punk. Real says Punk is there for her though, and that makes New York happy as a clam. She doesn’t feel the same way about Tailor Made, but who does? Real believes she shouldn’t get with Tailor Made while he’s still married, but New York thinks he just doesn’t understand the whole situation. See, here’s the deal: New York wants to have sex. Tailor Made has a penis. Those two things work well together, and she’d be happy to draw you some diagrams if you need.

As they talk about the different contestants, Chance asks New York if they can just leave this whole scene together. Real laughs along with them but you know inside he has to be screaming. Although New York isn’t the catch of the day or anything, he still took part in the big group dating scene so he’d probably like some acknowledgement. Too bad, so sad. He at least gets her to talk about The Entertainer, and New York reveals he still lives at home with Mom and Dad. Naturally that makes everyone crack up laughing, so all discussion stops there.

Next up is Buddha. New York admits he can be violent, although we know that doesn’t really deter her. She says it has the potential to send him home but I’m sure in two days she’ll realize her mistake and bring him on back. After him, it’s time to talk about Mr. Wise. His ex still has feelings for him, and they’ve been seeing each other recently. That’s a red flag for New York. She’s very disappointed so she moves on to Pretty. Sadly it’s just more bad news. She finds out he lied about introducing women to his sister, and his interview sheet is marked off with big red Xs. Wah-wahhh.

Back at the house, Pretty phones his sister at her hotel. She sounds bummed so he asks what happened with New York. Lashonda says New York pushed the wrong buttons and asked personal questions, which…yeah. Did she really expect something different? I’m assuming she’s seen this show before, so her horror is sort of baffling to me. Pretty says the questions weren’t something a normal sibling would know about her brother, which admittedly is true. If Lashonda had done the things New York asked about, like watching him have sex, I’d be horrified. And delighted, too. I mean, come on! That would be awesome.

Pretty tells Buddha and Punk what happened, and they promise they’ve got his back if he confronts New York about it. Aww, brotherly love! His position is that his sister came over because she loves him, and New York shouldn’t take advantage of that by messing with her. He’s determined to stand up for his sister, and you know that’s going to get him sent home but it’s all very sweet. Punk thinks this might be a sign Pretty’s hiding something, but you know what, I say Pretty’s a good guy. Hope he enjoys the rest of his life living in his sister’s apartment!

New York & Company drive back to the mansion for the big hoopla, where all the guys are mingling with each other’s exes. That’s not uncomfortable at all, by the way. New York drunkenly staggers in on Chance’s arm, and when Sister Patterson sees their touchy feely business, she eats everyone whole.

Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

Sister P’s blood boils upon seeing them, but in New York’s defense, she seems drunk as fuck. Chance gives Sister Patterson a hug, but she’s too busy trying to get New York’s attention so they can speak in private. Shit’s gonna go down, y’all. Punk and Tailor Made watch with the most hilarious expressions ever, and while I usually wouldn’t do two screencaps in a row, I have to make an exception for this one.

Gonna be a party tonight!

Sister Patterson drags her off, and New York says she just had a little moment, that’s all. She hasn’t been flirting with Chance all night, nope! Sister Patterson says her third eye tells her Chance had his hands all over New York during dinner. Apparently her third eye needs some glasses since it doesn’t notice that New York often does the wrong thing. New York is many things, but perfect is not one of them.

Sister Patterson tells New York she doesn’t need Chance hanging all over her like that, and that prompts Buddha to come over and ask if Chance was touching her. New York is visibly mortified. It’s bad enough she’s got all these man woes, but now her mom is berating her on TV and one of her many boyfriends is watching. Mr. Wise comes over and asks New York if she’s upset. She says no but Pretty’s about to walk over, so methinks she’s going to get upset pretty fast.

Buddha says it’s disrespectful for Chance to be groping New York while the other guys are trying to pursue her. Sister Patterson establishes that Chance is a guest, and he should be respectful in New York’s house. None of these people have ever watched the show before, apparently, even though some have lived it. They don’t know this is just the way shit goes. Buddha decides to confront Chance about all this, and awesomely enough, he’s doing it because he thinks Sister Patterson could be lying. I love Buddha pretty intensely just for saying something like that.

Buddha, Punk, and a random brood of exes approach Chance to holla at him right quick. Buddha says he heard Chance was all over New York, and Chance is all like, “So what? You got a problem with that?” Um, yes. That’s why they’re here talking to you, hi. New York pushes her way into the conversation and tells Chance nothing’s wrong, all while stroking his face. How awful is she? Chance starts screaming at Buddha anyway, saying they don’t even know each other, and Real has to get in between them to break it up. A tearful New York ends up dragging Buddha away, and then Chance fucking snaps for no real reason. His glass of sangria explodes in his hand like he’s the black Hulk or something. Of course Tailor Made quickly jigs out of sight. I’m truly quite surprised that Tailor Made would puss out of an argument.

Punk tells the camera he wouldn’t be surprised if Chance comes back to the house for good since New York is such a hot mess. Luckily he seems set on leaving, stalking off through the mansion after throwing a screaming fit in the yard. New York is verklempt but Buddha makes it clear it’s pretty much all her fault. “You had a first season full of fake-ass people, now you got a second season full of real people and you bring a dick in a crowd full of real people. What you expect?” postulates Buddha. In confessional, New York says she realized she couldn’t be with Chance when she saw him start freaking out. He’s way too out of control, so I guess it’s a good thing his limo pulls away quickly. Bye Chance! Please don’t come back!

Next, New York is upset because the mixer isn’t going the way she wants it to. She wants to talk to the ladies, so Tailor Made calls them to come over. This is particularly exciting for Nancy since she’s dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Be our guest, be our guest!

Once the ladies join New York, she announces she has great news for Tailor Made. She chatted with Real and Chance, and all their research matched perfectly with her conversation with Nancy. The couple told the truth, hooray! As for Mr. Wise, he told Real and Chance his relationship ended three years ago, but apparently Kia said it ended one year ago. That contradicts everything they showed us before, but okay! New York is pissed he didn’t tell her he saw Kia two weeks before arriving, so Mr. Wise says, “You know why?” New York doesn’t want to know why! She says she’s just one of those bitches that don’t take reason, and yes, I’d say that’s pretty much true. She certainly is an irrational bitch! Mr. Wise worries her, but he’s not the only one who makes her concerned. Cue furious glance at Pretty.

She tells Pretty she’s worried, and he replies he’s worried about her too. Then, marking the best moment of my recapping life, New York yells, “I don’t give a fuck.” You go, girl! Pretty also doesn’t give a fuck, but that got boring quickly. Learn your own lines, Pretty. She tells him he doesn’t have to give a fuck, and he throws his glass at her and walks off. That pretty much settles any kind of argument! I’m going to make that my official exit strategy from now on.

New York starts after him, but he turns around and screams at her to get her weave fixed. That’s probably a good idea but wow, dude’s got some balls! She reminds him he’s on her property so she can take his ass out, and he walks out screaming something about her silicon breasts. He wants to get away from that crazy bitch, but she rants about how she’s not done with that. She’s so fired up, she’s literally bursting at the seams.

Please don’t squeeze the Charmin.

As she goes to follow after him, she calmly asks, “Where’s my purse at?” Holy shit, I hope she beats him with her bag. I would seriously write her a check for $50 right this minute, although I’d probably specify for her to use it on a pack of hair. Once she finds it, the cameramen tell her Pretty’s outside the house, so she trails him and demands to talk. He really just wants to ditch her, but that’s hard to do when a psycho is on your ass. In confessional New York is like, “I really lost it once he walked off.” Before that, you see, she was quite cool and collected. She doesn’t understand why Pretty would give up this soon and want to leave the house so early, so the best way to handle it is to scream. Somehow Pretty escapes her wrath without conflict, which is fairly anticlimactic. He just drives away and New York goes back inside for the elimination ceremony. Just a hint, but I’m betting Pretty’s eliminated! Spoiler alert.

Punk says with all the drama, he doesn’t know if Pretty will be the only one eliminated tonight or there will be more to come. The Entertainer feels similarly but he’s expecting Chance to come back, since it’s obvious New York has feelings for him. Dear Entertainer, please be wrong. Buddha, who is the only sane person in the house anymore, says it’s outlandish that they’re doing this whole show when she has feelings for someone else. She should decide what she wants, sayeth Buddha.

New York starts the ceremony on a somber note, telling them tonight is very different from other nights. She asks if the guys have anything to say, starting with Punk. He wants to know if any ounce of her is still in love with Chance, which makes her sigh like this question is coming from nowhere. She never expected that! Punk says if she still has feelings for Chance, he should be back in the competition. Ugh, Punk just lost major points with both Sister P and me. He gives a reason but it doesn’t matter. No Chance, no way.

She says if she were in love with Chance, none of them would be there right now. She doesn’t want him, y’all! Then, shockingly enough, she apologizes to everyone. The whole purpose of the day was to get to know the guys a little better, but the result was that they got to know her. Big sad panda. She says if she offended anyone or made them feel less than wanted, she is so truly sorry. It’s actually really sweet and stuff, but she was a total cuntaroo in this episode so I’m not sure I forgive her. Please let me know how you feel on this important issue too!

When asked if he has anything to say, Tailor Made asks if she’s okay. The Entertainer says he forgives her and he’s there for, yadda yadda. Mr. Wise’s brilliant answer is, “I’m here.” Okay, genius. She turns to Buddha for something intelligent next, but he asks what she wants to say to him. Her face is fucking priceless.

Say wha?

She apologizes again but he asks if she’s really feeling Chance. If she still has those feelings, then she should just throw Buddha’s chain away. He’s not trying to make a bond with her for nothing. Originally I wrote bong, but hey, they’d probably get into that too if they had enough time. She tells him she has not lost focus on anyone in the house. She used to care for Chance but she doesn’t now, and then she blubbers about similar such things. Shut up, bitch. Sister Patterson quietly giggles as Buddha keeps questioning her, but then she sobers up and says if anyone doesn’t hear New York’s sincerity, they’re welcome to leave.

New York says she’s a strong woman who’s very emotional, but she can’t have a man who’s willing to run out on her. She needs a man who’s able to handle that! Pretty couldn’t cut the mustard and because of that, no one else has to leave tonight. The background music picks up happily and then she calls for the butler to provide them with some beverages. As always, anything can be solved with a little bit of booze!

Next time on I Love New York, New York and the guys take ink blot tests to see who she’s most compatible with. She says one blot looks like her vagina, so hey! That’s an overshare if ever there were one.