Hey Gasmii, I hope you’re all having a great summer. You know, it’s often during these hot months when people decide to drop all logic or sense of humility and move out to LA to start an “acting career”. Some get into porn, some end up becoming trophy wives, some grow pot or sell coke, and some, like New York, turn their experiences into reality shows that really show a whole other level of their insanity. Welcome to NEW YORK GOES TO HOLLYWOOD!
Some like it crazy
We start off in New York’s house, which she admits was provided by producers, and it looks like she’s settled in quickly. The place looks like dog shit with pictures of New york thrown all over the place, but it must be because she’s too focused on her career. She says that she wants to make it as a “certified actress,” but based on her illusions of granduer, the best she can hope for is “certifiable actress”.
She must read The Secret
New York realizes that if she wants to get her actress certificate, she needs to hire a snotty assistant, so she puts an ad in the paper realizing she’ll get the best Hollywood can offer her. We start with Electra, who has an Eastern European accent and most likely the herpes to go with it. New York thinks she’s got attitude and is too snippy with her, so she kicks her to the curb. Electra responds as the voice of the people, saying “You don’t need an assistant. You need a therapist.” New York calls her a “skanky ass bitch” as she leaves, and justifiably, Electra feels that she’s better off.
“This makes me want to go back to porn.”
Zondra is the next candidate in, and as the church organs are cued (nice touch, producers) we immediately find out that Zondra is about one thing and one thing only – Jesus! She says that she can be a positive influence in New York’s life to which, NY mockingly responds, “What would you suggest I do to give out this positive energy?” Zondra, being in the Ohnoshedi-in’t sect of Christianity, bobs her head and answers “Stop cursing so much.”
You know in her head, Zondra’s really saying “stop cursing so goddamn much you dumb fuckin’ bitch.”
After Zondra admits to New York that she doesn’t believe in sex, New York overreacts like a 14 year old and nearly does a spit take. Zondra’s too much of a wet blanket and New York’s too much of a ho, so naturally she kicks her out. Next up is Lizza, otherwise known as the VH1 plant. She comes in as serious and professional as she can be, all the while explaining to New York that she’s responsible for turning nobodies into A-list talent.
“William Hung is A-List in Singapore.”
Lizza shows up the next day with some new information for New York. After minutes and minutes of googling, she’s found out that to get a manager you need to have a showcase where you show your talent or whatever New York calls it. She also thinks they should hire an editor to put together a clip reel of New York’s best reality moments…to show what a great actress she is. I hate the world.
“Oh yes, let’s add my improv work.”
New York is surprisingly candid about her body, saying that it’s “not ready for Hollywood.” She goes to Barry’s Bootcamp, which has the gay owner to match the gay name. He notices that New York’s dressed for a night out, not a workout, but she’s never worked anything but a sugar daddy’s lap, so she doesn’t know the difference. Barry does put her through quite a workout and she’s so beat, she admits she was “ready to fart.”
After the workout and a couple of hours in the bathroom, New York welcomes the editor ready to make her clipreel. He’s basically a giant shlub who’s incredibly awkward with everyone – and quickly my favorite character on the show.
This guy owes a lot to Seth Rogen.
While Giant Shlub is getting his work station ready, New York and Lizza work on her lines. They have a disagreement about how it should be played – Lizza thinks the character’s British since the play starts with “I beg your pardon, sir,” while New York thinks the character’s black cause her name is Thelma. I tend to agree with New York on this one.
I just don’t see her doing “Brideshead Revisited”.
Giant Shlub brings the girls inside to show what he’s got so far, but he still needs to add sound. He says that he’s gonna go home and finish it meaning he’d rather be able to smoke cigarettes and drink tubs of pepsi in the convenience of his own home while working on it. Either that, or he’s late for a Madden tournament. Either way, I like this dude since he basically brushes off Lizza while she barks orders at him. The next day, Lizza gives him a call to see if he’s on his way and he gives the greatest answer ever – “Yeah, uh about that…”.
You’re getting pissed about a stupid clip reel for a lame Tiffany “New York” Pollard performance. Really?
When Lizza calls the schlub again later on, his voicemail says, “This is Mike. Leave a fucking message.” Hilarious. He calls later and gives a couple of excuses and says he’ll meet them there. New York, livid, nonsensically says, “YOu should never have put me in that business of that fat, nasty, greasy bitch puttin’ together my reel.” New York decides to ignore it and go back to practicing (snorting) her lines.
“Excuse me, I have to go get my drama on.”
New York and Lizza get to the theater soon after their call with Schlubby Mike and are getting panicky. It’s 5 minutes before the show and yet, he’s still not there. Suddenly, the girls hear a knock at the door and a slackery sounding guy asking, “anybody home??” Love this guy. He gives New York the tape and she shoos him off.
Keep this guy around, please.
It’s finally showtime and the clipreel basically starts off mocking her – it shows the big fight between her and Pumpkin. Soon after, however we see some legit work that New York’s been in (surprising!), including Nip Tuck and First Sunday. She comes onstage with a monologue of a maid getting fired, and really should stick with what she’s typecasted for – obnoxious chickenhead. I only say this because she had a serious overacting moment when, while talking about dog shit for some reason, she drops that booty while sniffing her nose.
Or maybe she’s just acting out a metaphor for her talent.
After the performance, she gets a passionless round of applause, but of course is thrilled by it. Feeling her inner diva, she makes the potential managers wait outside while she yaps about herself. By the time she gets out, all of the managers have left since they probably have other clients that aren’t famous for getting spit on in the mouth or dumped by a guy who wears a viking helmet seriously. Upset but not defeated, New York does what many of us are doing these days, during these harsh times – she gets a good buzz on.
“Mama needs her sauce.”
Well, that’s it for this first episode of New York goes to Hollywood. Based on the upcoming preview, it looks like we have some mild success, a new man, and more bat-shit insanity coming our way. And you can be sure as Sister Patterson’s latest frok that I’m gonna bring it to you. Until next week!