New York Goes to Hollywood: JingHOism

Hey Gasmii, on this week’s NEW YORK GOES TO HOLLYWOOD, New York experiences a flavor of the far east in her first commercial shoot. She’s shooting a Japanese spec commercial, and in order to gain a better understanding of a foreign culture she indulges in stereotypical research – for example, going to a dry cleaner, eating sushi and viewing chauvenist corporal punishment firsthand.

You think that’s bad, in China they would have stuck her in a firing range by now.

But before all that starts, New York starts her day at home like most actors without work – doing nothing. She takes out her anger on Lizza as she arrives a few minutes late. Lizza’s explanation is that New York lives in the Valley while Lizza lives in Beverly Hills. Flaunting your trust fund probably isn’t the best thing to do in this situation, and New York doesn’t take it very well.

Wait till the episode that Sister Patterson gets her hands on this snooty bitch.

Chuck Binder calls and New York and Lizza listen in. Chuck tells them that New York has recieved a spec commercial for a Japanese energy drink. New York, always a roller coaster of emotions goes from excited to disappointed when Chuck tells her it’s not a paying gig, to pleased when he convinces her that it’d be good for her reel.

Believe it or not, this is New York’s excited face and NOT her Wendy Williams impersonation.

Before getting off the phone, Chuck advises New York to learn more about Japanese culture. But first, it’s time for her to unabashedly hit on Voz at acting class. Scott Sedita comes out and announces to the class that it’s love and Shakespeare day, and reminds the students that since it’s Shakespeare there needs to be a certain level of eloquence in their work.

“That means you, girl-who-got-spit-on-in-a-trashy-reality-show.”

New York immediately decides to leech onto Vos, and takes it as an opportunity to show off her “acting” skills. Namely, acting like a ho. She rubs up all over Vos and he tries to read lines while not popping off a bonezo.

“Will thou giveth me a goddamn second here!”

After the exercise, Scott asks if anyone has gotten work and New York immediately raises her hand. She proudly announces to everyone her spec script story, while the room smiles while simmering underneath. Scott nonetheless congratulates her saying work is work, and New York gleefully leaves acting class, spec commercial in tow.

Sometimes all you need are the small victories (set up by producers of course).

Once class is over, New York goes off for research by heading to a dry cleaner to speak with the attendant there. She asks her if she can learn Japanese words to her, but the lady looks at her confused. She then tells New York that she’s Korean, and with Lizza outside with the car on idle, it comes across like a mean prank. Afterwards, she heads to a sushi place and is disgusted when the chef delivers her something unusual. On the day of the shoot, she arrives to the Japanese garden, disoriented by all of the foreigners around her. Basically, she’s acting like what I imagine most of the tourists in Beijing right now are acting like.

They don’t just hate us for our freedoms. Look in the mirror (I didn’t mean for that to be so deep, but sometimes recaps kick you in the ass like that).

Once she gets into her dressing room, New York meets Akihiro Kitamura, the Commercial Director/Chauvenist, whose first writing, acting and directing credit is a film called “Porno” (no joke). As a matter of fact, it seems he must speak english as he’s been in a few english language productions, but for some reason he decides to use an interpreter. Then of course, New York is introduced to the representative from the energy drink company, a Kazo Nagahama. IMDB lists a Kazu Nagahama who looks eerily similar and is Kazu on Time and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job. I’m guessing he isn’t doing double duty.

Wait, so reality shows aren’t real???

Anways, since these guys are actors they’re obviously going to ham it up, and Akihiro, the director, feigns anger when he finds out New York got the wrong script. He cracks the PA over the head with the wrong script, and throws a temper tantrum.

Did Scott Sedita teach you that?

It’s time for the big shoot and New York comes out wearing a karate uniform and a spare wig from those duracell battery people commercials in the 90′s. A board is laid out and she’s supposed to chop it after taking a swig of the energy drink she’s promoting, which is probably red bull in a can made by the prop department. New York, drama queen as ever, says that the stuff is gross and she has trouble keeping it down. Which makes me wonder – what if it isn’t redbull and is in fact, some kobe beef cow’s piss or something. New York confirms the suspicion when she asks if there’s fish oil in there, and for her sake I hope there was.

On the other hand, she’s showing a knack for a role in that New Jack City sequel she’s always hoped for.

After the puking incident, New York goes for her big board break. They tell her that once she’s done breaking the board she should say her lines, and the director laughs maniacally, channeling last weekend’s improv class. But I think they can only take “Japanese Stereotype” so many times as a character before they stop laughing.

Hirarious.

After taking a swig of the nasty shit New York goes for a board break, but you can tell by the size of the 2 x 4, it’s basically a way for her to mess up her hand. She valiantly continues to try so she can show Chuck that she doesn’t give up easily, but after slamming her elbow, it becomes too much to take and she decides to go after the carpenter.

“You ain’t gone sneak away from me you little ninja!”

Finally, the carpenter relents and gives her a board that actually breaks this time. New York nails it, and gets her line down perfectly. She leaves with a good feeling, but some real hunger after throwing up thanks to the fish oil.

How do you say, “I Love myself thiiiiis much” in Japanese?


Next week, we’ll see if she gets a gig that wasn’t an elaborate set up by the producers (not likely). Until then, gasmii!