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Tuesday, January 9, 2007
1:56 pm
19 Comments
By Nite Writer P. Funk
Girl loved Boy. Boy dissed girl. Girl came back for more. Boy dissed girl again. Girl got her own reality show.
What did you TiVo Monday night? If it wasn’t the greatly anticipated Flavor of Love spinoff, I Love New York, then something was obviously wrong with your box. Let’s put it this way- I will no longer have a case of the Mondays so long as I Love New York is on the air. Move over Flav because the HBIC is stealing your thrown and your slot in my TiVo recordings.Tiffany Patterson, whom I will never refer to again by that name, is the bitch back in charge. This time around it’s her heart the boys are after. The show opens and we are immediately reminded as to why New York has a new show. After being booted by Flava Flav two seasons in a row, New York was pissed. She claims that time heals all wounds, but you and I both know that a reality show is what really heals all wounds. Isn’t that how Danny Bonaduce got over his issues and heartbreaks?
Since this show is a spinoff of the greatest VH1 show ever, I am obligated to constantly compare and contrast to its predecessor. With that being said, I have been wondering who will be New York’s sidekick, seeing as though I doubted Big Rick’s appearance. Enter Chamo- the over the top gay personal assistant slash stylist who scores a 140% on the gaydar. He may not be Big Rick, but he will definitely like holding the guys down. The boys, however, are not as enthralled by Chamo. They literally walk away from the house when they see him. I guess they’re not feeling his Pink rhinstone heart belt buckle with matching chiffon scarf. His outfit is nothing compared to the striking leopard and knock-off Louis Vuitton wallpaper inside New York’s castle. It’s safe to assume that Chamo has added interior design to his resume. With each wall as a different color of the gay rainbow, a barber shop was necessary to make the house look more manly. The bunk-beds, however, quickly take away that small touch of masculinity the house was holding on to.
The boys are introduced to Miss New York and they go coo coo for cocoa puffs (and by cocoa puffs, I do mean the recently redesigned boobs that New York sports). Interestingly enough, penis dialogue soon follows her entrance. “You put the hurt on my penis,” says one of the contestants, as well as the subtitle that VH1 felt it necessary to display.
The boys lined up and were awaiting their nicknames (my favorite part), only to be surprised by New York’s vindictive, deviled, psychotic mother, Sister Patterson. I know my words are harsh, but the woman hates Flava Flav. Who hates Flava Flav? She pushed Flava Flav? Who pushes Flava Flav? Honestly?
But seriously, I am so glad she’s a part of this show.
And now onto the best part: the nicknames. I wasn’t overly impressed with the names, as I am used to the creative juices of Flav. I guess we can’t all think of Red Oyster or Pumkin on the spot. Enough lamenting over the passing of Flavor of Love, let’s celebrate the new show and its new characters. We meet all types of guys from black freaks to white freaks to religious freaks to dog mourning freaks. I know what all you ladies are thinking- why are these boys single? Rico seems smooth, just like an operator. 12 pack and Jersey look like they have a summer rental on the Jersey shore. Romance has such a love for animals. These guys are real catches.
After the names are given, it’s time to party. This party, if you can call it that, was way too long and uneventful. There was a serious lack of drunken debauchery. The most exciting situation consisted of Chance versus Sister Patterson. This was no duel, but it’s definitely the beginning of a beautiful hatred. Chance was quickly established as the street dude, as he also got into a tiff with Mr. Boston. On a side-note, I love how New York gives a guy with a lisp the nickname Chance, or in his case Chanths. Ok, back to the tiff. So Mr. Boston tries to steal New York away from Chance, but that is “dithrethpectful” to Chance. They argue like little boys, as opposed to fist fighting like the bitches that shined on Flavor of Love. Instead of hair pulling, Chance threatens to use pretzels as his weapon of mass destruction. Mr. Boston defends himself with smack talk, telling Chance that he needs Ridalin. This is apparently a dis because Chance doesn’t even know what Ridalin is. If this fight is as far as these guys are willing to go, I might need to rethink my “I Love New York” season pass on TiVo.
New York and Sister Patterson make their rounds, meeting all of the contestants. One of my favorites was T. Bone with his googly eyes as well as his admittance to his lack of intimacy in 3 years. Now that’s the way to get a woman.
12 Pack is another of my favorites, partly because he can pluck his eyebrows better than me. I agree with Sister Patterson, as he scored high on my gaydar. Maybe he is “the undercover gay lover” Sister Patterson sees.
Who else was in this mix? We met the male servant Pootie. Enough said. We also saw that Rico is not the smooth operator we thought he was. He accidently called New York the N word in Spanish, believing it to be a cute little nickname. Wood was another contestant who happens to be a reality whore. Didn’t we see this happen with Pumkin during the first season of Flavor of Love? I do believe VH1 is running out of character flaws.
We met the men that want New York, but 5 must leave us so soon in the game. New York and Sister Patterson fail to agree on the guys during their deliberation. This comes as no surprise as this is partly what got them to this point in the first place. Sister Patterson is going to be fun this season! I love when she freaks out in private confessionals, like she did when New York asked Chance to stay. We said goodbye to Jersey, Wood, T-Bone, and two others that weren’t important enough to have their true identities revealed. To those guys we say have a nice life and I hope to see you at the reunion, if you’re not busy doing another game show.
All in all, the premiere episode ran a bit slow, but they did need to establish their characters and the conflicts. It looks like a good season ahead, so I guess I’ll stick with my season pass.
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19 Comments
I’m sorry — “stealing your thrown?”
that’s where I stopped reading………….
Mr. Boston looks like a blonde Tom Cruise. And he’s just as twitchy.
I’m definitely watching this show, because trainwrecks are fun to watch!
How did she get that mansion?!!? Is it really hers?? Someone please answer..
plz keep recapping this show…dont pull a nip/tuck and stop in the middle of the season…i forgive you for the “thrown”
I like FOL 1 & 2, but NY’s taste in men is disturbing. Chance is such a joke!
I’m rooting for Mr. Boston. He’s entertaining at least.
If these people have any idea how to run a reality television show they’ll find a way to bring Pumkin back for an episode.
It seems like every guy on this show is an actor, aspiring rapper, or porn star. I read somewhere that Flavor of Love contestants expressed outrage over that – why were they looked down on for being on reality shows or music videos and all of NY’s “admirers” are just that? But since everything NY and her mom does is 100% fake, I wouldn’t throw a fit over it.
Her mom didn’t seem as bad this episode.. I almost agreed with her on some of the guys.
Donna Martin Graduates! dont be rude. you shouldve kept reading because “Nite Writer P. Funk” was talking about his(or her) TiVO, so its an individual opinion not a general observation. moving on, the show looks ok. New York has no taste in men but then again, shes still young so what difference does it make? Sister Patterson scares me so much and she was yelling every 3 seconds. My favorite part of the show was seeing New York slather on her Vaseline to get that sluttly glow.
The show was not bad, but not very good either. I’ll be interested to see what happens in the coming episodes. From the looks of it, Mr. Boston seems to stick around for a few more episodes as well as chance, so that will be an interesting dynamic. One of my favorite parts is how the tick-prone Mr. Boston replies to NY’s question on whether he has love for New York and he stutters and then lets out an outrageously funny white-boy sounding ABSOLUTELY! How she can keep a guy so dorky and white on the show when she loves the “thug-like” black guys is beyond me, but I enjoyed hearing her laugh hysterically at Mr. Boston’s response. Oh, and he DEFINITELY has the wrong nickname. HE should be Whiteboy, not the guy who’s nickname is Whiteboy (who actually seems like the most sane guy on the show and my personal favorite). GO WHITEBOY GO WHITEBOY GO GO GO WHITEBOY! LOL
Was it really necessary to make a comment about one grammatical error? That just seems bitchy.
Good recap! I missed the show but I’m going to check it out when VH1 replays it this weekend (about 50 times).
They got to pick their own nicknames for the most part. Bad move, I think. By the way, I could swear that house is the same one they used in Flavor of Love. Throw some pink on the outside, add some new wallpaper and there you have New York’s new house. It should be an interesting season, just to see if she can carry the show. She doesn’t seem nearly as over the top as she did in FOL.
VH1 celebriality..I wish I could quit you.
Just when I break free you reel me back in.
Ritalin is a great name for Chance!..Not only is it meaningful, but it’s a word even a lithper can pronounce correctly!
I don’t know if I can handle Sistah “T-Rex” Patterson week after week tho.
This was so boring! It did NOT need to be an hour and a half long.
This is the biggest group of losers ever assembled, and that’s saying a lot, considering it’s a spin-off of FOL. There’s seriously something wrong with Boston.
Sister Patterson looks like a man. Can her forehead be any higher? Is she bold under that wig?
And what’s with mooing and ooing? She sounds deranged.
yeah, okay, maybe that was a bit of a bitchy thing to write, but it was honest.
I *did* stop reading right there and then. I know a lot of people don’t mind a few typos, but for some of us it is a chore to read something that hasn’t been proof-read. Obviously “thrown” (in that context) doesn’t get picked up by spelchkr. But I have to say, I am baffled by that choice of spelling in said context.
Probably best not to say anything in future…
guest columnist, you skipped the best part of the show. when t-bone said the ladies always tell him that he has dreamy eyes. when he takes his glasses off he’s cross-eyed. priceless.
I’ll happily trade typos, grammatical or spelling mistakes for a prompt, hilarious recap. And we should all be as proficient at communication as B-side. Thanks !
finally caught one of the 50 repeats of the show.
an hour and a half. that’s probably the total air time New York got on Flavor of love..and that’s probably all i can stand to watch of her..a whole season of this? it’s jerry springer meets ultimate fighter.
First of all, DONNA, why come on these websites to criticize someone’s writing? Who are you the grammar police? Or is this a pathetic ploy to get your own reality show? Maybe you can proofread meaningless self-indulgent blogposts for a living? Would that make you happy? Second, Nite Writer is a terrific columnist. If you’ve taken the time to read his/her body of work (which I am sure you haven’t) you would know that. Third, what a terrific show! Where do they find these weirdos? (LOS ANGELES) And how come New York can even stand these people? (She has to.) Fourth, did anyone catch the way that 12 pack awkwardly defended his staunch heterosexuality? Could he be more unsure of his own gayness? Fifth, NY’s shine is not due to her vaseline rub down, she isnt’ Rocky, it’s just her naturally ingested menthol that makes her shine that way. Anyone who smokes that many KOOLs must at some point extricate all that minty smoothness. Lastly, if I see one more tribal tattoo on these dudes, I will just have to build a time machine and eliminate all indigenous tribes in history, Aztec architecture and Mayan mathematical ingenuity be damned. Keep up the GREAT work Nite Writer!!! -JG
I’M VERY CONFUSED ABOUT “WHITE bOY” AS HE TRIES SO HARD TO COME OFF LIKE AN “INTEELIGENT BLACK MAN” AS HE CAREFULLY CHOOSES EACH WORD. HE IS A WHITE JEW! DIDN’T ANYONE NOTICE THE HEBREW LETTERS THAT WERE TATTTO’D ON HIS STOMACH. HE’S A WANNA-BE.