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By Nite Writer P. Funk
Girl loved Boy. Boy dissed girl. Girl came back for more. Boy dissed girl again. Girl got her own reality show.
What did you TiVo Monday night? If it wasn’t the greatly anticipated Flavor of Love spinoff, I Love New York, then something was obviously wrong with your box. Let’s put it this way- I will no longer have a case of the Mondays so long as I Love New York is on the air. Move over Flav because the HBIC is stealing your thrown and your slot in my TiVo recordings.Tiffany Patterson, whom I will never refer to again by that name, is the bitch back in charge. This time around it’s her heart the boys are after. The show opens and we are immediately reminded as to why New York has a new show. After being booted by Flava Flav two seasons in a row, New York was pissed. She claims that time heals all wounds, but you and I both know that a reality show is what really heals all wounds. Isn’t that how Danny Bonaduce got over his issues and heartbreaks?
Since this show is a spinoff of the greatest VH1 show ever, I am obligated to constantly compare and contrast to its predecessor. With that being said, I have been wondering who will be New York’s sidekick, seeing as though I doubted Big Rick’s appearance. Enter Chamo- the over the top gay personal assistant slash stylist who scores a 140% on the gaydar. He may not be Big Rick, but he will definitely like holding the guys down. The boys, however, are not as enthralled by Chamo. They literally walk away from the house when they see him. I guess they’re not feeling his Pink rhinstone heart belt buckle with matching chiffon scarf. His outfit is nothing compared to the striking leopard and knock-off Louis Vuitton wallpaper inside New York’s castle. It’s safe to assume that Chamo has added interior design to his resume. With each wall as a different color of the gay rainbow, a barber shop was necessary to make the house look more manly. The bunk-beds, however, quickly take away that small touch of masculinity the house was holding on to.
The boys are introduced to Miss New York and they go coo coo for cocoa puffs (and by cocoa puffs, I do mean the recently redesigned boobs that New York sports). Interestingly enough, penis dialogue soon follows her entrance. “You put the hurt on my penis,” says one of the contestants, as well as the subtitle that VH1 felt it necessary to display.
The boys lined up and were awaiting their nicknames (my favorite part), only to be surprised by New York’s vindictive, deviled, psychotic mother, Sister Patterson. I know my words are harsh, but the woman hates Flava Flav. Who hates Flava Flav? She pushed Flava Flav? Who pushes Flava Flav? Honestly?
But seriously, I am so glad she’s a part of this show.
And now onto the best part: the nicknames. I wasn’t overly impressed with the names, as I am used to the creative juices of Flav. I guess we can’t all think of Red Oyster or Pumkin on the spot. Enough lamenting over the passing of Flavor of Love, let’s celebrate the new show and its new characters. We meet all types of guys from black freaks to white freaks to religious freaks to dog mourning freaks. I know what all you ladies are thinking- why are these boys single? Rico seems smooth, just like an operator. 12 pack and Jersey look like they have a summer rental on the Jersey shore. Romance has such a love for animals. These guys are real catches.
After the names are given, it’s time to party. This party, if you can call it that, was way too long and uneventful. There was a serious lack of drunken debauchery. The most exciting situation consisted of Chance versus Sister Patterson. This was no duel, but it’s definitely the beginning of a beautiful hatred. Chance was quickly established as the street dude, as he also got into a tiff with Mr. Boston. On a side-note, I love how New York gives a guy with a lisp the nickname Chance, or in his case Chanths. Ok, back to the tiff. So Mr. Boston tries to steal New York away from Chance, but that is “dithrethpectful” to Chance. They argue like little boys, as opposed to fist fighting like the bitches that shined on Flavor of Love. Instead of hair pulling, Chance threatens to use pretzels as his weapon of mass destruction. Mr. Boston defends himself with smack talk, telling Chance that he needs Ridalin. This is apparently a dis because Chance doesn’t even know what Ridalin is. If this fight is as far as these guys are willing to go, I might need to rethink my “I Love New York” season pass on TiVo.
New York and Sister Patterson make their rounds, meeting all of the contestants. One of my favorites was T. Bone with his googly eyes as well as his admittance to his lack of intimacy in 3 years. Now that’s the way to get a woman.
12 Pack is another of my favorites, partly because he can pluck his eyebrows better than me. I agree with Sister Patterson, as he scored high on my gaydar. Maybe he is “the undercover gay lover” Sister Patterson sees.
Who else was in this mix? We met the male servant Pootie. Enough said. We also saw that Rico is not the smooth operator we thought he was. He accidently called New York the N word in Spanish, believing it to be a cute little nickname. Wood was another contestant who happens to be a reality whore. Didn’t we see this happen with Pumkin during the first season of Flavor of Love? I do believe VH1 is running out of character flaws.
We met the men that want New York, but 5 must leave us so soon in the game. New York and Sister Patterson fail to agree on the guys during their deliberation. This comes as no surprise as this is partly what got them to this point in the first place. Sister Patterson is going to be fun this season! I love when she freaks out in private confessionals, like she did when New York asked Chance to stay. We said goodbye to Jersey, Wood, T-Bone, and two others that weren’t important enough to have their true identities revealed. To those guys we say have a nice life and I hope to see you at the reunion, if you’re not busy doing another game show.
All in all, the premiere episode ran a bit slow, but they did need to establish their characters and the conflicts. It looks like a good season ahead, so I guess I’ll stick with my season pass.