By Nite Writer P. Funk
I Love New York has both entertained and embarrassed me at the same time. I am entertained by this amazingly trashy show, yet I am embarrassed because I changed the channel from the Golden Globes to watch, what I refer to as, “an amazingly trashy show.” It’s a tough dichotomy to overcome, but I am certainly not alone, as last week’s episode was the most watched series premiere on VH1. I guess I wasn’t wrong when I said that the HBIC is stealing Flav’s thrown, huh?I particularly enjoyed this episode because it was a referential guide to helping me establish which characters actually take it up the poop shoot. Apparently it’s the ones that really “love” New York. Is it me or is she, in fact, a man. I truly believe that her boobs were hanging out of her shirt during the confessionals as a cover-up. She needs to flaunt her ta-tas in case someone doubts the presence of a vagina. I think it would be pretty great if she revealed the man beneath New York in the finale. That would make for great ratings. Normally I would consider this to be a far-fetched accusation, but we are dealing with a show where it’s predecessor had a girl taking a shit on a staircase. I am going to stick with my conviction. Who’s coming with me? Jan, thank you Jan.
And now back to the show.
New York addresses the guys Romeo and Juliet style, from her balcony. She reveals the beauty pageant, Mr. Mangeant, that they will all be competing in. With the help of 3 expert pageant Miss USA’s, 3 guys will strut their stuff in an attempt to win a date with New York. The boys work on their catwalk, get waxed, oil themselves up, model banana hammocks, put on mascara and lip gloss, and exfoliate their buttocks. Um, are we watching queer eye for the trashy gay guy? Whiteboy is the only real man, as he refuses to act like a fool and lather up for New York. If this were prison, he would not be someone’s bitch. 12 Pack, however, would definitely be the lipstick wearing, pigtail sporting, leash around the neck, girl scout cookie selling bitch. And I am guessing that Mr. Boston would be as well, but unknowingly. Mr. Boston is one of the oddest characters in the house. He lacks common sense, as well as a big enough package to fill out his thong tha thong thong thong. I believe that the thong was New York’s and it accidently wound up in the mix. If New York is a man, at least she has a big dick.
Big Boy makes a cameo as the host of Mr. Mangeant. How much money do you think he got for this gig? He has to sit through this mockery of pageant, and refer to it as Mr. Mangeant.
Round 1: Bathing Suit and Boogie Competition
Each guy got to release their inner raunchiness and I got to analyze and evaluate these men that are chasing another man. Romance for sure drops the soap in the shower. He rode the air so hard that Big Boy had to say, “No more.” Whiteboy seems to be straight considering the fact that he can’t dance. Pootie should have a name change to Jiggly Bootie and he should ask us if we are ready for his jelly. T weed apparently has a gray mossy area on his inner thigh that made Sister Patterson regurgitate in her own mouth. (That may have been the most delicious sentence I have ever written). How is it that New York was un-attracted to Trendz darkness, but was captivated by Bones’ no pigment having ass. I didnt know a black dude could be so pale. The 5 finalists didn’t surprise me as they included Whiteboy, Real, 12 Pack, Onix, and Romance.
Round 2: Question and Answer
When asked about premarital sex, Real agreed with God. He won points with Sister Patterson, but unfortunately this isn’t the “I Love Sister Patterson” show. (Hey, I smell another spinoff). Whiteboy chose to live Michael Jordan’s life and New York loves to see his inner Blackboy. Onix verified his boring nature by imitating how he would drive Chamo, if Chamo were a race car. Let’s just say he’s lucky he’s pretty. Romance, once again, gave us another sob story. Can I get a box of thin mints please? Finally, 12 Pack chose his father as his role model. I was surprised he didn’t choose Ahhhrnold? Onix took 3rd place, while 12 Pack won 2nd place, as well as a framed picture of New York’s lacy panties. Whiteboy took 1st, as well as New York’s dick in a box. I’m just kidding, but that would be hilarious.
After the competition, New York introduced the boys to her dog. In an ever so creepy manner, Romance canoodled the dog in his arms and cried to her. I smell beastiality.
What’s grosser than New York without makeup? Answer: New York moaning in a hot tub with her legs spread eagle. Her hot tub session with Rico was fortunately interrupted by the tattle-tailing Pootie with his jiggly bootie. He warns New York of Trendz’ alterior motives- promoting his cd. New York is upset over this as she fears someone pulling a Flav and dumping her ass late in the game. Is it that the men don’t like her or, maybe, it’s that they don’t want to live out “The Crying Game.”
The following day New York and the 3 winners go on a date to the Santa Monica Pier. The ferris wheel is the scene for the private date with Whiteboy. New York pigs out, leaving some sort of white substance all over her mouth. She basically drinks the vegetable dip. I don’t know what made me more sick- her eating or the ferris wheel going round and round. After the ride, New York questions 12 Pack on the rumor of having a girlfriend back at home. There was some sort of weird staring contest that they had. I really couldn’t pay attention because I was getting frustrated with his unbuttoned shirt. We know your name is 12 pack. We also know that you don’t have that 12 pack, so close your shirt, fool.
New York tries to settle this rumor back at the mansion where she confronts Romance on what he told her about 12 Pack. Again, these guys fight like bitches and threaten to smack one another. Smack? What a bitch term!
My favorite part was when Token nearly shat his pants when New York asked for a kiss from him. He gave her a peck on the cheek. This was proof that there is at least one straight male in the house. Although she laughs her ass of at him, she’s really hurting inside.
We near the end of the show where we say goodbye, or “Kiss my ass” to 3 contestants. It turns out that she eliminates Romance because he needs Prozac, Token because he wasn’t feeling her, and Trendz because he was promoting his demo. I’m sad to see Romance go because he was so much fun to laugh at. The others did nothing for me. I just want Mr. Boston to have more air time and for there to be a real legit fist fight where Chamo gets in the middle and tries to break it up, but gets his ass kicked instead. I’ll stay tuned and hope for a better cameo than Big Boy.