Recap: I Love New York: 12 Morons In The Bed, and The Little One Said, “Drink a live bee.”

I Love New York

By Guest Columnist | Tuesday, January 23, 2007 | 2:45 pm | 15 Comments

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By Nite Writer P. Funk

Don’t you get it, creators of I Love New York. America wants fighting. They want feces. Maybe perhaps a fight involving feces. They desire humiliating nudity. They seek sloppy soft core porn. And they long for slow motion hock a loogies. Were these not the reasons for our devotion to Flavor of Love?Oh how this show continues to disappoint me. There, I said it. I’m sorry, but I only speak the truth. I don’t know who the producers are, but they apparently didn’t get the memo on brilliant reality television. If they did, then they would see the potential this show has to be an epic reality masterpiece. It’s capability exceeds that of any other VH1 show or, dare I say it, any other reality show period. I mean, don’t you agree that this show should shine like the cubic zarconias in Tango’s ears. Let’s consider it’s H.T.V. (high trash value) for a moment. Half of the house consists of homosexuals. The other half is comprised of mentally unstable individuals who have sex with their dogs and drink live bees. The first episode introduced us to a circus freak show with New York as the ringmaster. What an unbelievable set-up! Then, the build up to nothing began. If I were a dude, I would be in immense pain right now with the worst case of blue balls. The producers showed just enough to stimulate me, but then left me, only to relieve myself with a cold shower.

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To prove my point, I show you build up #1: New York, Sister Patterson, and Omarosa in the boardroom. How excited did everyone seem (via blogs) when we were shown Omarosa’s upcoming cameo. It felt almost as good as a snow day. Remember when you would be awoken by a phone call at 5 a.m. that said, “School is cancelled today.” It was like that, but instead of no school, the three biggest reality bitches are together. Clearly, this didn’t live up to its hype. Cold shower time. I guess deep down I was hoping for a cat fight between New York and Omarosa. That’s like the Nadal/ Federer match times 50. I guess I should just give up on my hopes for a fight in this show.

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Enter build up #2. While preparing for The Biggest Potential Earner Challenge, the boys built their resumes on computers. Those that have never been privvy to such technology opted for poster-board and crayons.

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Like Chance says when he refers to himself in the third person, “Chance don’t make resumes.” 12 Pack spent time and effort on coloring a bar graph of his earnings, but Pootie decided to take it and use it as his own. If 12 Pack really had a 12 pack, he would have punched Pootie in the baby maker (I say baby maker because Pootie later prooves what a vagina he is). However, that’s not what he did. Instead, he acted like a 12 year old and begged Pootie for his bar graph back. Cold shower time.

Build up #3. We watch Pootie freak out in tears, as he rolls down a staircase, screaming like a little girl. We then hear the sirens of the ambulance and automatically think shit’s going to go down. Will there be blood? No. Will Pootie get strapped into a strecher? No. How about an I.V.? No. All we get is the same Pootie who simply tells the rest of the guys to give him air when he needs it. Cold shower? Yes.

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Build up #4. In the cab ride back from The Biggest Potential Earner Challenge, a fight ALMOST broke out between Whiteboy and Tango when Whiteboy accused Tango of adding fuel to Pootie’s fire. Guess what producers? Almost is not good enough for America. Cold shower it is.

Build up #5. Pootie loses the competition and must go on a date with Sister Patterson. The entire time he is shaking like Romance’s dog right before she died. Maybe he should have reconsidered ordering soup if he had the shakes. He is obviously a freak and, therefore, should do something freakish. Nope! Instead he decides to bow out of the game and leave. I feel bad for the P.A. who had to drive him home. What a waste of a good character! Chance said is best when he said, “Dang Pootie.”

Build up #6. The BBQ began on a high note with Mr. Boston’s lapdance. What a smooth dude. New York was getting off so she decided to take a little trip to Boston. This trip blew, as all we saw was a smooch and some awkward stomach kissing. We get to see a little more between New York and Tango, when he offers to give her a massage. She bends over only to reveal an “insert here” sign. Not really, but let’s pretend. She fake orgasms and yells “I’m coming.” We then get to watch New York interact with Chance. They role play where Chance gets to play a raft and New York gets to play a lifeguard.

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60 minutes has passed, as well as 6 cases of blue balls. Nine contestants continue to the next round without Bonez and T Weed, who both happen to share the name Kevin. Bonez was boring and T Weed was a liar (he did get points for working at Munchies Pizza), so get the F up out of New York’s house.

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As always, next week’s episode looks good, but let’s see how many cases of blue balls I would get if I were a dude.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    nursecoco
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 4:01 pm

    THE SHOW WAS HILARIOUS! IT WAS NOT “DISAPPOINTING.” WHAT WAS DISAPPOINTING WAS THIS RECAP BY: “GUEST COLUMNIST.” B-SIDE COULD HAVE RECAP’D THIS EPISODE PERFECTLY. WHAT ABOUT T-WEED AND HIS $100 MILLION (THEN TO FIND OUT HE HAS A 500 CREDIT RATING AND 11 ACCOUNTS IN COLLECTION?) IT OFFENDS ME THAT THE GUEST COLLUMNIST THINKS HE/SHE IS TOO GOOD TO WRITE A PROPER RE-CAP OF “I LOVE NEW YORK” BECAUSE HE/SHE THINKS IT ISN’T GOOD TV. (DUH! IT’S F—–G ENTERTAINING!) THANKS FOR THE WORST RE-CAP EVER!!!!!

  2. 2
    brigasm
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    Nite Writer…plz dont take to heart what nurse coco said. B-Side, as talented as he is has been recapping for a while. I dont understand how you could be so harsh its Nite Writer’s 3rd recap…CALM DOWN…he/she will get in his/her groove soon…so until u volunteer to write a recap…stop judging so harshly…

  3. 3
    LaLioness
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 5:41 pm

    I have read all 3 recaps and think the author is promising. I’m disappointed, however, in the brevity of the recaps (other recaps are 5 pages or more). The actual narrative is very brief when you account for space taken up by screencaps. When reading this recap, I felt shorted b/c a good portion of the recap was the author’s disappointment. While I like it when the recapper’s share their opinions, I do think that the commentary should be in addition to the recap, not at the expense of the recap. I also agree with some elements of poster #1 in that the author leaves out many details from the recaps (I watched the first 2 episodes) and didn’t fully mine the eps for all of their funnies. So please expand your posts if you can, for they are quite enjoyable due to your humor and insight.

  4. 4
    shiaobundan
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    Nite Writer I happen to like your writing style (and humor) very much and I don’t have a problem with how much time you spent on the dissapointment of I Love New York. I agree on that completely. The recaps are a bit short and some really good parts are left out. However, you write recaps better than other guest columnists I’ve seen and I’m GLAD you recap I Love NY for TvGasm, because the other Flavor of Love site recaps are incredibly boring.

    Don’t listen lack enough I.Q to hit the caps lock button!

  5. 5
    shiaobundan
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    ^
    *Don’t listen to haters who lac the I.Q to hit the caps lock button.
    :)

    Anyways people, quit being so damn rude! I don’t think Nitewriter volunteers her time to be griped at like this EVERY week!

  6. 6
    dredge
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 8:09 pm

    I liked this recap aswell. It was a pretty bad episode. All we got was the standard New York Eye-rolling..which actually was pretty revealing. she doesn’t like any of these dudes..people..girls..what-have-you..yet she’s going along with the script. Hey..wait a minute. She’s a lyin’ ass fake ass bitch!!

    Lots of opportunities wasted because these guys are spineless. Boston announces he gave New York a lap dance and Sistah curses a blue streak at him. You kiss your daughter with that filthy mouth? You a christian woman?

  7. 7
    slutty_whore
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 9:23 pm

    I agree with Nurse Coco, this recap was rather terrible.

    I mean, Nite Writer spent the entire time discussing her “disappointment,” but she glossed over how T-Weed ultimately gets called out as a liar.

    Watching NY go off on T-Weed definitely was not a case of “blue balls,” but a cool New York moment.

    Blah!

  8. 8
    HoneyBunny
    Posted January 23, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    As if Sister Patterson and Mr. New York wasnt enough of a freak show they had to add Omarosa. Too bad a large piece of concrete didn’t fall on her head – AGAIN.

    Pootie had no money – bye.
    T-Weed had no money – bye.
    Bonez had no money – bye.

    But she doesn’t care about the money…yea, sure.

    hb

  9. 9
    MyJacob1
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 7:24 am

    This recap was horrible, were you in a hurry? Where’s B-side, clearly you are missed, please recap this show,please. Nitewriter, don’t quit your day job, unless this of course is your day job, then the statement won’t make much sense…..

  10. 10
    MyJacob1
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 7:31 am

    This recap was horrible, were you in a hurry? Where’s B-side, clearly you are missed, please recap this show,please. Nitewriter, don’t quit your day job, unless this of course is your day job, then the statement won’t make much sense…..

  11. 11
    jasminetheawesome
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 7:58 am

    I thought this episode was highly entertaining! Pootie even made me uncomfortable which is exactly what I watch this show for.
    With that being said, I’m not going to trash nite writer for not liking this episode. I can understand where she’s coming from, I just don’t agree. You’re alright by me Nite Writer.

  12. 12
    MyJacob1
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 9:17 am

    Who cares if Nitewriter didn’t like this episode, just recap the damn thing right along with 100 million $. I cannot hide my dissappointed I am, I was looking forward to this recap. Bring B-side back, nitewriter doesen’t know how to recap. I have to get back to work now.

  13. 13
    gasmgrrl
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 11:20 am

    Nite Writer: Good recap. I feel you on the blue balls. Omorosa was kind of wasted. But overall b/w T-Weed, Mr. Boston, the Pootie meltdown and 12 Pack being completely drunk at the bling ceremony(?)I was very amused.

    Don’t mind the haters. You are much better than some of the new writers (Flipit) and if B-Side is going to recap any other shows please god let it be Top Chef.

  14. 14
    KatiesHole
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 4:03 pm

    I want to see more screaming and confrontations on this show with New York and her mother. The best part of the flavor of love show was when they fought with the other skanks. New York seems to calm, I want her to be more explosive!

    KH

  15. 15
    dredge
    Posted January 24, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    I agree, KH. Sistuh Patterson can do all the dirty work while New York instigates then reacts to her mom. I can see Sistuh ripping Boston apart and eating his flesh while New York screams..”Oh god! oh God!” as she runs don the hallway, with the camera doing full reality show tilt.

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