By Nite Writer P. Funk
It’s Monday night. Time for some New York loving or, according to my previous recaps, some New York hating. Whether I love to hate her or I hate to love her, I’m still watching and I’m still enjoying. Tonight’s episode was definitely one special episode. And by special, I mean ah-mazing. Welcome back to the days of “Fuck me proper!”Who Let The Dogs OutI Love New YorkBy Nite Writer P. FunkIt’s Monday night. Time for some New York loving or, according to my previous recaps, some New York hating. Whether I love to hate her or I hate to love her, I’m still watching and I’m still enjoying. Tonight’s episode was definitely one special episode. And by special, I mean ah-mazing. Welcome back to the days of “Fuck me proper!”Chamo, who is now a member of the village people, delivers a telegram to the boys. I would have figured Chamo for the police officer, but I guess the workman does him good. New York wants a handy man around her house (even though I found out that it is not her house, but she does get to keep it after production) so she poses this next challenge for the men. The guys are divided into three teams to construct dog houses for New York’s bitch, Her Majesty. The men use their muscles to hammer, nail, cut, chop and whatever other verb you do to wood. They’re dealing with dangerous tools, so it comes as no surprise when it looks as if Tango may have cut his hand off. But then we remember that we are watching “I Love New York” and we are dealing with pussy boys. With that being said, we find out that Tango merely got a splinter. Whiteboy, one of the few real men left, gets real about the situation and calls out Tango on being weak sauce. A splinter is a minor incident that should be taken care of after a timed challenge.
Rico and Chance represent the black team, as Mr. Boston, who’s good at “using his own hands on his own wood” mentally draws up a blueprint for a house that Snoop Dog would live in. Chance said it right when he said, “The dog don’t hit no blunts man, it’s a damn pooch. What the damn pooch look like kicking back blowin bleezes.” And by said it right, I mean word for word perfection. I guess there will be no sex in Her Majesty’s champagne room. As Mr. Boston fails to contribute to the group, the boys get mad. Maybe he should stop picking his nose and pick up a hammer. He blatantly picks his nose for a 3 second sequence. You gotta love him.
The White Team is led by 12 Pack. Heat is his bitch, following all orders given to him. I was hoping for “suck my dick” to follow “measure that piece of wood.” 12 Pack thinks he is the man and Heat only boosts this confidence in him. What a cute couple!
New York spies on the men at work, while imagining using a power saw in the bedroom. That would probably hurt a lot. What are you into, New York?
After hours of work, the houses are revealed. Gray team’s house looks like Polly Pocket’s headquarters. The black team’s house lacks everything and Chance blames it on Mr. Boston. White team takes home the bacon with a NY Beach house. 12 Pack modeled it after the beach house he stays in on the Jersey Shore. Each one of the members of the White Team wins a date with New York.
Real, whom I keep forgetting is Chance’s brother, has the luxury of being New York’s cock…tail. They chill on her ball-cony and New York pets his recently unrolled corn rows. She’s feeling him full on and even lets us in on a possible finale between the two brothers. As much as that could be interesting, I still think it won’t end up that way. We see that Real is really doing it right now. We also learn that Real is real short. Why have we not realized this before? New York finishes up her first of three dates, or what she refers to as half of her dates.
Meanwhile, Mr. Boston talks smack about his doghouse partners. I use the word smack because knowing Mr. Boston, he would refer to talking shit as “talking smack.” Chance is just as fed up with Mr. Boston, judging by the amount of bleeps used in one of his sentences. Chance decides to beat Boston’s ass, but after he finishes giving Whiteboy a haircut, of course.
Heat is New York’s dinner, but if we remember correctly, he said New York would eat last. Speaking of what Heat said, what the fuck did he say when he yelped and growled “Raarehrah”? It was a little redrum-esque. And if that wasn’t weird, how about his reaction when New York asked how he was feeling. He slurped, showed a little jazz hands, and sucked on his fingers. What is this cat on? And where can I get some? New York’s date with Heat was nuts! When he told her that he would build a little house in their backyard for his mama and yaya, I immediately imagined them living in the Her Majesty’s humble abode. Heat is definitely crazy. His eye thing was freaking me out, too. Imagine being on a date with this guy who seems to be tweaking on some drug, as his eyes bug and twitch. After New York admits that he is a mentally tripping cook, she kisses him. Yum! And yum are those “butta lips” for Heat. He loves him some juicy butta lips. Imagine what he thinks of her other lips. Cream cheese, anyone?
Back to the beef. The boys grab Boston and try to shave his head. He didn’t end up with a Vanilla Ice hair-do, but he was excited that they view him as a threat. I think he should have taken the ghetto fabulous makeover. It may have won him some points with New York if he rolled in with Boston shaved in the back of his head.
Dessert with 12 Pack turns into a Karma Sutra sundae with a tantric educator on top. 12 Pack is pretty much against learning new moves, as he is confident he has them all down. What a cocky bastard! With a little motivation provided by Taia Aaliyah, they change into little bathing suits to begin their tantric journey. I believe 12 Pack busts a nut over his green leopard bathing suit. He is more turned on by the suit, than he is by New York. Taia tells them to feel each other’s aura. And by feel each other’s auras, she means sway back and forth. Who isn’t laughing out loud at this point because I am certain you will when you see them yam-bamming. 12 Pack is back to his gay ways when he interrupts the yam-bam session, where New York has her legs wrapped around him, to go pee (since he drank a lot).
He really just wanted to show the rest of the boys his new bathing suit, even though he claims he wanted to make them jealous. When Heat and Real see that they didn’t get little green leopard bathing suits, they make a plan to spy on the dessert part of the date. They put a ladder on top of the dog house and have Real climb onto the ball-cony. The climbing got him winded so he takes a little break and eats the grapes and drinks the alcohol. Classic move, Real! Mission: Incomplete. Real is caught right when 12 pack is on top of a moaning New York. He runs and hides behind the couch, but New York finds him. He maintains his cool demeanor, while Heat mumbles on about fairness. I think he was jealous of New York because she got to have 12 Pack on top of her with only a thin layer of leopard between them.
Dessert may be over, but 12 Pack is way too comfortable in his leopard for anything to be over. It seems as though Heat is not bothered by it at all. He keeps looking in that area, and I don’t think he is looking at the garbage disposal. 12 Pack and Heat have a plan to stay up and drink all night, which we all know is gay code for, “Let’s fuck.” That’s pretty evident when 12 pack rubs his dick on the countertop. I can’t wait to see who cooks off that tomorrow morning. Back to the inebriation of 12 pack and Heat. A few drinks down and Heat starts singing some sort of song while 12 Pack does some sort of robot. Worst robot ever! Onix interrupts their male bonding while questioning the smell that’s coming from downstairs. That’s not the smell of alcohol, dear Onix. It’s the smell of gay. It’s 4:18 a.m. They’re still drinking and 12 pack is still wearing sunglasses, not to mention the leopard suit (but I figured that was assumed). Cue the Brokeback music. And so begins the gayest moment in reality tv. “Everyone in this freaking joint knows that you have the best fucking body,” Heat exclaims. The music grows louder. 12 pack tilts his sunglasses down to look Heat in the eyes. Heat continues to praise 12 Pack and says, “Just for some fact that you can lift weights and smoke cigarettes and just for the fact that you can do back flips while smoking a cirgette.” Heat is one sloppy fellow at this point. 12 Pack just sits there, imagining the fame and fortune he will get from this tv show.
The insanity continues the following morning with a bright and early wake-up call by Sister Patterson. She gives them a half hour warning to get ready for some Church. 12 Pack is still drunk and Heat is beyond intoxicated, or he just enjoys talking to Aquafina water bottles. Either way he’s more prepared for Church than Chance. Sister Patterson tells Chance to remove his hat and bandana, but there’s no chance in hell that he is taking that off. Unusual to her character, she shrugs it off.
In the car ride to church, Mr. Boston basically shits in his pants because he’s so fearful of Sister “Darth Vader” Patterson. He slurs his words and somehow says something about liking lighter shades of black. It’s a good thing he decided to swallow his words with a good quenching bottle of Aquafina (product placement #2 of this episode).
Chance still refuses to take off his hat, and therefore is not allowed in. Inside, however, the embarrassing Mr. Boston gives Jews a horrible name. His dance moves definitely make him stick out like Manneschevitz in a wine cellar. Sister Patterson gave it her all up on stage. And her all is definitely a bit over the top. Like Onix said, “Church hadn’t even started yet.” It had the opposite effect on Chance, as her gospel screams brought the degenerate in from the streets. Oh, what a turning point for them. The greatest part has to be when Heat dozes off into his gay dream starring 12 Pack. I loved the visuals on that montage. Props to the slow motion punches in the stomach.
When Onix speaks for the first time, we realize why he is simply eye candy. The moron decides to talk shit about Sister Patterson on the day of elimination. And on top of that, he says it to Tango, who happens to be the tattle tale of the bunch. The situation is blown entirely out of proportion as Rico and Tango prepare to tell New York. It looks as though Tango will get far in the game with his manipulation because he blatantly manipulated the situation so that Rico would get pissed and snitch. Those are Real World/ Road Rules Challenge: The Duel skills, if you ask me.
New York gives away her chains, 7 to be exact. The first few chosen came as no surprise. However, the last three standing made me a bit nervous, just for the sole fact that Mr. Boston was in there. He cannot get eliminated just yet. Thankfully, New York calls out Onix on dissing her mother. He leaves with a smile on his face, but we all know he cried like a baby when he got home. I am truly sorry see him go. Nah, I’m really not. He was pretty to look at, but that’s about it. Heat is also going home. He is pissed off, but probably because he won’t get more time caressing 12 Pack’s muscles. Hooray for Boston! He’s still in the game. His reaction was adorable when he realized that he was still in. Like a little Jew on Chanukah. He is also the worst kisser EVER. He doesn’t even move his lips. He just stands there as New York’s overwhelming mouth engulfs his thin lips. The guys think it’s great because they know that he has no real chance. However, they might be in for a surprise. It is television, remember.
We are starting to become more familiar with these characters, as I am sure we all have our favorites. Well here is my ranking and my reasons for this ranking.
1. Real- He really hasn’t stood out much before tonight’s episode, but I think that works for him. He seems like a pretty cool dude. He also satisfies the best of both worlds, according to New York. He looks street. but has the heart of a gentleman. He reminds me of Hoops.
2. Whiteboy- He’s legit. He seems to be one of the few manly men left in the house. I also thinks he satisfies both worlds for New York. He is definitely not gay, so that also helps.
3. Chance- New York is madly in love with him, no matter what he does in the upcoming episodes. Even though Sister Patterson doesn’t like him, he definitely won some points in this episode. He is not going anywhere just yet.
4. Mr. Boston- What a character! He lacks any sort of coolness factor, but he makes sure to embrace his inner and outer nerd. His lap dances are out of this world too. Keep him around for the laughs, if not for his sexy demeanor.
5. Rico- He’s cute. That’s about all I can say.
6. Tango- He is a snitch. Not cool, but great for reality tv. He should be on another game show that involves more skill.
7. 12 Pack- I want to gag when I watch him. He is a cheezy Chip N Dales dancer who was never the cool kid in school. He needs to take his guido ass back to Hunka Bunka.